foolishness

It seems to me my basic problem is ... lack of worship.

Isn't this always the problem with us creatures ... our eyes have drifted off the Creator and gotten focused on self - again.

I feel like I have tried ... but at each turn ... felt like I have hit wall after wall. Reading scripture felt like reading radio instructions for the second time. Prayer felt like such a labor - unbelievably hard to concentrate, it felt like I was ramming the ceiling with my shoulder again and again. I was hearing nothing from the Lord except in messages from friends... and even they felt dull - hard to reach and comprehend... yet encouraging that God is near and present - even if I could not hear Him directly. My whole 6th sense of being able to feel the Lord near and know His desires in prayer, word, and movement have been entirely shut off... except a few very small and brief inklings in times of corporate worship.

With all that taken away - it seemed insurmountable to focus in on the Lord for even a second. Yet that should be my job ... to press in even more... clamoring for any small crack in that CRAZY big wall. Because how can I even think I can manage without Him for even a second. I can't - it's proven.

I just don't know how to make it a job ... when I am so focused on figuring out a new life, wondering where I fit in, and how the heck I am supposed to teach my kids anything everyday, and how am I NOT supposed to eat my way to 300 pounds. So much newness has left me in a fog of vague depression with one wave after another overwhelming me.

It's seems like a big task to leave to me, Lord. That's why my desperate prayer everyday was - PLEASE COME, COME AND HELP ME, PLEASE BE HERE, JESUS!!!!

I know you have not left .... but it sure has felt that way. I know you still love me like crazy ... but knowing that and feeling that are two different things.

What do I do now ... as the fog feels like it is finally - beginning - to lift?

I need to worship again and again and again and again.... It always comes back to that doesn't it?

Romans 1:21 Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused.

Dark and confused - foolishness - that's what happens when when stop worshipping and giving thanks.

I do know this. I really do.

Really the first step back has to be repentance ... so here goes.

Father I have strayed! I got stuck in my own filth - so focused on myself and how I felt. So stuck in my own hurting and daily struggles with moving, fitting in, homeschooling, and life stuff - that I just didn't know how to cope. Forgive me! My sin is so overwhelming, Lord, I feel like it's so big, and much of the time I get stuck gawking at it - likes its an accident by the side of the highway. When I should be looking at you ... reflecting on your greatness and how you just TOWER over my sin - it is nothing compared to You and your perfection!!! Lord, I am desperate to move away from this stupidity!! But I need you to light a fire in me - under me. I don't even know what to pray for - where to look - what to read or how to praise rightly ... show me please - show me how to praise YOU the way you deserve! Lord break my heart with Your beauty. Help your promises stick in my brain. And let thanks flow out of me. Jesus, come, I truly am desperate for You.