come supersede

The crying has continued. On Monday we had a party to go to and I had to get dressed up. But nothing fit … and I felt ugly and awful. I didn't want to go … I wanted to stay home but my husband wouldn't let me… he was gentle but wouldn't let me go curl up in bed and watch TV. On the car ride to the party tears just steamed down my face the whole time.

The feelings of ugliness are just the beginning thoughts that led me to cry. I dwell on them for even the shortest minute and they seem to unleash something deeper inside. Then all I want to do is hide. No way did I want to go to a party to be seen by people and answer the dreaded question, ' How are you? ' It seems that people ask that question in kindness and yet thoughtlessness. They want the conversation to continue past - 'fine' and 'good' - to the happenings of life. But I can't be dishonest about what is happening in life right now - it would be such a lie! So I answer the seemingly benign question with, 'not good… but that's fine - How are YOU?' But they in their niceness - always follow up to my 'not good' answer, and ask more questions which just make the tears flow out more. Then they really don't know what to do! They ask 'why' and it's all too much to talk about … truly too much… so I tell them it's too much and just say it's a spiritual problem … and they end up saying they will pray for me… and the conversation finally moves on. Ahhh relief. At least relief from answering what are supposed to be the easy questions in life.

On that car ride to the party I just kept wondering when God would come and rescue me from myself. When will His thoughts supersede my own? When will His thoughts matter to my heart more than my own? I can try and cram scripture in … but it doesn't speak to me now. I can try and pray against unbelief … but I have and yet the tears still come. I have prayed against fear … and yet I still wake up anxious. I have prayed for deep healing … yet I still wait. NOT because I want to stay like this … because nothing could be further from the truth. I want this done … healed … I am sooooo ready to move on.

So what I keep coming back to … is that God wants me here. In this. This place of desperate tears, desperate need, desperate for Him.

I don't understand why… but what else is to be said. I wouldn't be here if He didn't want me here… not after all the praying and searching and listening I have put into this. He is allowing Satan to have his way and attack me. Thankfully, it is not like Job - who lost all of his kids and livelihood. Though I suppose there could still be more to come … but for some reason I feel assured of God's protection on that. BUT attack has come … it was easy to fend off attacks about bulimia, and anorexia, and suicide. Those were obvious to see and shoot down. The ones that are really hard … believing that I am favored by God… Just like Mary was. The angel came to her and called her favored one. Also, that He counts me worth it. Worth the effort to come to earth… when no one else would have, even though my parents  didn't count me worth it to say or do much of anything right. Or to remember that I am dearly loved by Him. I feel loved in the overall - He is my Savior - I am forgiven way. But not in the - YOU are MY bride and My Beloved - kind of way. That is way harder to believe.

I continually confess these hard to believe things … and I keep waiting for Jesus to come and supersede  my thoughts with His. I am waiting for revelation … waiting for that moment when I will just KNOW that He is right. IT WILL be glorious!

He has already done everything for me … It is finished - all of it. Now I just have to wait for it to unfold in this process of sanctification. Waiting is hard. BUT it WILL be GLORIOUS!

This song below has been the only one to touch my dull soul in this Christmas season … it speaks to my great longing for Jesus to come.

Glory Be

It was the longest night, the world was waiting
Eager for the light, the world was waiting
O come, come Messiah
Sing for joy, all the earth, Messiah’s come to set you free!
Join the angels in their song
Glory Be Glory Be

It was the longest night, my heart was waiting
Hallelujah, the Lord of life has come
To reconcile the nations to their God
Hallelujah, he’s coming back again
To finish was began at Bethlehem
O Come, Come Messiah
Hallelujah

gold

Soooo stuck at the bottom. Over my head in mud and shit.

This past week has been a firestorm of depression, and PMS, and self hatred. It was my husband's 40th Birthday on Sunday (which means mine is coming in January) and I could barely contain tears all day. At one point I couldn't contain them at all, and hid in my closet to weep quietly while my husband and kids decorated the tree. I don't even know what they were for … but I could not stop... I am just sad all of the time. And it would seem - there is nothing to be done about it.

I keep going over and over it all again in my head. Looking for sin, looking for unbelief. Am I coming before the Lord enough, reading enough, looking at scripture? Am I praying enough … for myself, for others? Am I being grateful? Am I trying to eat well - or well enough? Am I getting enough exercise? Listening to enough worship music? Am I presenting myself to the Lord enough?

How much is enough?

I truly don't know.

I am doing all the things I should do. Maybe not as much as I should, but I am still doing them. I do it all, even though I get no return from it. I don't feel engaged or enriched spiritually or even intellectually. I don't feel closer to the Lord or closer to any answers as to the 'why' of all of this.

I just feel stuck… shame and self-hatred are still surrounding me. And I have no answers, no leads, no where to go.

I met with a friend yesterday just to talk it all through … spilled it all out … and even she was at a loss. She did suggest I hire a maid to keep the rest of my life in order during this time ( which seemed like a great idea to me :) ) but alas my husband did not think it such a great idea.

I just have to wait.
I just have to wait.
I JUST HAVE TO WAIT.

i just have to wait

I just read this in Job today and at least I could relate:

“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there,
    and backward, but I do not perceive him;
on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him;
    he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.
But he knows the way that I take;
    when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
My foot has held fast to his steps;
    I have kept his way and have not turned aside.
I have not departed from the commandment of his lips;
    I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.
But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back?
    What he desires, that he does.
For he will complete what he appoints for me,
    and many such things are in his mind.  Job 23:8-14

I guess in the waiting, as I can keep reminding myself that HE must rescue, HE must reveal, HE must change me… that when He is done testing me … I will come out as GOLD.

Gold.

I don't even really care about me being gold as much as I long for intimacy with Jesus again. Being gold would be nice - though I can't truly imagine it. But to hear Him again, feel Him near… that is what I want.

feeling stuck at the bottom

Life has continued … it tends to go on whether we want it to or not. The great weight of shame I thought had lifted … revelation had come from the Lord, my husband came home, and the routine of the new week had come again. I fully expected to continue to feel better and I ate far less cookies and watched far less TV. But then this morning hit… It's Sunday again.

I was suddenly struck by a mad desire to NOT go. Getting dressed lately is a disaster. Nothing fits… except the biggest of my clothes…. so that is where insecurity flies in again. I wanted to hide out in bed, I wanted to run away from myself. The weight of self hatred was back. My sin and shame get worn on the outside in ugly fat for all to see. I hate it… and thus hate myself.

I walked into the lobby at church and tried to be social - but everyone asks how you are, and me not wanting to be dishonest, say 'OK' or 'not good', but always with a smile on my face to assure the asker that I really don't want to talk about it with them.

I move into the service and can't bring myself to sing until a favorite comes up that just compels me… to remember that I am not my own. God is greater and He is not done yet.

Then a sermon that I fully agree with and understand …yet still does not seem to penetrate.

I realized once again that my response to God is still broken. Something in me is stuck in unbelief.

I began to pray when the sermon was finally done that God would stir my faith once again. That unbelief would be uprooted and cast out. That He would wake me up, and shake off this bondage to my old slavery. I began to thank Him for the truth of my freedom and asked Him to help me say 'yes' to it again in my soul. I prayed for the energy to pursue Him, because right now I realized that I am stuck in depression, and the darkness of it is keeping me stuck, mired down, and sluggish.

Please come and overcome Jesus.

the bottom

The night that I finished my last post … I cried and then I cried out to God that He would finally put words to the shame I have felt and buried for so long. The pain had grown so unbearable. A weight on my chest, pain in my stomach, an ache all over … physical pain, actual physical pain from such an intangible thing.

I went over the things I wrote again and again wondering what it all was speaking to me … what I buried in my heart as a result of everything. These were the words the Lord help me find:

I am just not worth it.

At the end of each next bad thing I wrote down … I could put these words - I am just not worth it. When my mom had an affair, when my parents decided to separate, when my parents refused to explain anything to me, when sex was had in the room where I slept, when I considered suicide…. It was all because I believed that I was just not worth enough to anyone for them to actually stop the insanity they were causing.

I was not worth it to my Dad who never expressed love to me. Who never told me that he wanted me to stay with him. Who never forgave me Mom and fought for our family.

I was not worth it to my Mom who seemly didn't take me or my brothers in account of ANY of her decisions. Did she think about me when she had an affair? Or when she moved me out of my Father's home? Did she think about me when she welcomed a new man into our home? Did she think about me when she never explained anything that was happening to me?

So in my heart I concluded … that I am just not worth it.


What now? When I finally got the words - there was a huge relief and I was able to finally drift off to sleep and stop crying. I prayed for healing… but is that all I should do? I really don't know.

The next day was Sunday and I managed to drag myself and my kids out of the house and get to church. What I really wanted was to stay in bed and make the day disappear again with cookies and TV.  While I was there I desperately avoided eye contact and any real conversation. I could hardly keep myself from crying over nothing. And then my husband texted me. He had been out of town for all of this drama and had caught up on reading my blog. He wrote me some very sweet words and I cried again. Later that day we had small group and was grateful there was no real opportunity to share … because I knew from being at church that I might burst into tears.

So how do I make it go away? Or rather how will God make it go away? I know shame is NOT supposed to rule my whole life like it has … and that this journey is about healing it … but what does that look like?

No real answers yet in that regard … but I am hopeful that I have hit the bottom and that there is really no where to go but UP from here.

shame rotting my bones (part 2)

The chronology continues….

One night out with my Dad and my brothers (I was either in late 6th grade or early 7th), I overhear from my vantage point in the backseat a conversation that my older brother and Dad are having… I have no idea the particulars… only that this was the first time I heard why my parents were separated. I OVERHEARD that my Mom had had and affair. No one sat down with me and explained anything - once again. BUT, now I had someone to blame for my misery. At that instant, bitterness grew in my heart toward my Mother and for the next 8 to 10 years I treated her with utter contempt. She was always on the receiving end of my angry tirades. The anger was never direct - but about everything else in life. Like not having enough clothes, or being fat, or not buying the right this or that, being late … it didn't matter - I was just angry about it all - and she got to feel it too. Now not only did I have the shame of my parents impending divorce but the shame of a Mother who had sinned so terribly against my Dad and me and my brothers.

Shortly, after this my Mom started dating more seriously one man in particular. I, of course, didn't really know about it, because again I wasn't told. But, later found out they had met at some school meeting or something like that. I don't remember him coming around for too long before his things just started appearing around the house. Then, before I knew what was happening he just lived there. Again, no discussion was had. He was just suddenly and irrevocably living in my house. It was like I was struck dumb. I didn't know HOW to say anything. Plus, then I would have to admit to the wound I was carrying around that I continually denied was there. This meant too, that more offenses were being piled on my mother. Not only was divorce in our family, but my mother had an affair, and now she was having another one and flaunting it for the world to see. I hardly know what to say even now. The selfishness and sheer lack of concern for her children and her marriage to my Dad, is astounding.

Then it got worse. My younger brother and I could hear them having sex, gosh is seemed like all the time. We lived in an older home and the doors didn't always close tightly, and many times walking by I could SEE them having sex. And then to make it even worse one time when we had guests over, they gave their room to the guests and bunked in with my brother. They had sex in his room once they thought he was asleep. He wasn't. The next night my scarred brother slept in my room. Then while on vacation sharing a hotel room with 2 double beds and no divider whatsoever, my brother and I awoke to the sound of sex being had in the bed next to ours. Once again, anger just erupted like a volcano inside of me. My younger brother, however, was less good at hiding it. He started acting out in destructive ways… vandalism and running away… and was eventually got caught in some of that. He then moved out and moved in with my Dad. Even though I KNEW why he left… it still hurt that he was gone - he was my ally. We were always close before this … and now nothing between us was the same again.

As things got worse at home, they were also bad at school. The dreaded days of Jr High were upon me.  The big gaping wound I carried and tried to keep hidden was a huge burden. Depression, and self-hatred set in, which of course, makes school unbearable. My body couldn't recover like it had when I was younger when I ate a bag of chips or a whole tray of brownies and so weight piled on even more. I was never a beast, but I wasn't skinny either. There were a couple of badly chosen haircuts in an attempt to make me feel better that instead failed. Finally, I felt invisible just like I wanted, it however, didn't turn out like I planned. I even remember not answering to my own name in the hallways. There was a popular girl with the same name - and since they usually wanted her, I ignored my own name. That didn't work for me one time when I was caught not responding to a popular girls yells in my direction. Ugg. I couldn't win. She did actually need me for something. But, usually, I was ignored. During english class I sat between the 2 most popular boys. I sat with my head down and they talked through me like I wasn't there. I heard LOTS of gossip that way… but really had no one to share it with. Invisible wasn't what it was cracked up to be… I ached everywhere all the time from the wound that no one saw.

During that time I seriously considered suicide. I thought about running into the woods and overdosing on everything in the medicine cabinet. This was encouraged regularly by voices that I heard in my head. The voices in my head I thought at that time, were just me going crazy. It was just more evidence that I was worthless. Now I know that they were demons preying on the sorrow and depression of a young girl. But at the time they confirmed what I already believed. That I was ugly, worthless and unwanted.

I got saved when I was 16. Through friends who pursued me despite my bitterness and unbelief. 

By the middle of my senior year, I found out that my parents had gotten divorced months earlier and didn't tell me or my brothers. And that my Mom remarried within the same month and didn't tell me or my brothers. Again, I have no words for this continual betrayal with silence. 

By the latter part of my freshmen year of college things with my mother had grown unbearable. I outwardly hated her. The Lord told me to forgive but I felt she deserved my rage. In the end, The Lord got His way through much prayer and tears. I wrote her a letter outlining much of what I have written here. She wrote back and explained a lot of things to me that I had never understood. I forgave and let go. I tried to rebuild our relationship. And over many years, it has become filled with love and kindness again. 

But apparently, the shame has never left. I just keep adding to the pile of - ugly, worthless and unwanted. Any new offense just gets added in. It doesn't matter from who.

I remember a time when my Dad called me a bitch in front of my brothers.

A time in college - at Bible college no less - that I had to eat late and I sat at the 'wrong' table. The group who sat down eventually were apparently extremely bothered by my presence and proceeded to talk about me as if I wasn't there. Made fun of me. In one guys defense … he later apologized and was horrified that he didn't say anything right then. Truly, I am thankful the actual words are blocked from my memory.

The Maid of Honor at my wedding, didn't bother to even invite me to hers. She wrote me a 'sorry' note after the fact. 

A friend betrayed me at our last church and spoke out against me and my husband to the elders. She blamed me for her failed marriage - which is a long story. But she was someone I had poured life into and she basically spit in my face. Many months later, she came to apologize, but the damage was done, and our friendship was gone.

These later examples are just a few that I can remember … It doesn't even really matter what they are but I felt like I should get them out just in case. In all of this I struggled endlessly with depression. Anger. Self-hatred. I wondered where God was, and whether he was really good like He claimed. I questioned His love. I struggled to believe His word … because it never felt true in my life. I never have felt beautiful to Him. I have always felt like I should feel worthless because His worth is so much greater. And even though Jesus came to die on the cross for my sins … and I have trusted in that for salvation; it still at times has felt incredibly distant. A nice thing for the God in the sky to do for a poor unwanted girl down here. I have rarely felt his delight for me… rarely believed He does delight in me. 

I think soon I need to trace His pursuit of me … now that I have traced the shame throughout my life. I still don't feel done in this area of shame, though, that phrase - betrayal of silence - is burning in me to be looked at. There is still more gnawing at me.

shame rotting my bones

Today, after what seemed to be several weeks of drowning in shame … there was finally a breakthrough.

I decided to look up the word 'shame' in the Bible. The Bible and I have not been getting along as of late… I keep reading - and NOTHING keeps happening. Seriously, this year of quiet has not been fun. But, I tried again, and I did a word search in Bible Gateway. I read through every verse on shame … not much stood out. This one did.

Proverbs 12:4
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,
    but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.

'She who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones'… Even though I am a wife … I knew that this verse was not about me, but instead about my MOTHER. And the rottenness of shame spread not only to her husband, but her whole family… including me.

I've been over this territory a million times. I have dealt with my parents separation and divorce. I have combed over every bit, because for so long it was what drove EVERYTHING I did and thought. I was filled with bitterness, and anger, depression, and un-forgiveness for so long. BUT, then Jesus came into my life and began to change it all. He taught me to forgive. And I let go of it.

Truly, I love my Mom. I HAVE forgiven her. For many years though, I carried around a bitterness toward her for destroying my life and my family. BUT, I forgave her for how she sinned against me. Our relationship has been restored. So I would have never thought that THIS is the root of my shame.

I didn't know that my forgiveness needed to go even deeper. Because the shame she inflicted, wounded me deeper than I realized.

I am really glad that my name is not directly tied to this blog. And that hers is not either. Because I am going to share some awful stuff below. I prayed about whether or not I should… and I think I should. Light is better than darkness. This story is not just about how she shamed me, but also about MY shame in general. I am just going to list off some stuff as I remember it … I'm trying to be chronological - but I know it will turn out convoluted. And sorry … this is long.


My mother had an affair. I think it happened when I was in 3rd or 4th grade … I was 8 or 9, but I didn't find out until I was 13 or so.

I never heard my parents fight. I just saw my Dad sleeping on the pull out couch for a few nights. They went to our pastor for counsel a couple of times, I think - I remember it once though. I didn't really know anything was wrong. But, then one day my Mom told me that my younger brother and I were moving out with her… and that my parents were separating. I didn't know why then. I didn't know anything. She didn't tell me anything. Neither did my Dad. I don't even remember him saying goodbye when we moved.

It was the beginning of 6th grade when I moved. I remember the day because I was so sad and confused. My best friend asked me what was wrong … and I told her we were moving that day … and she said, 'So what?!' I remember thinking, 'woah… I guess I won't talk about it again.'

My parents were separated from the time I was 11 until I was 17. It only sounds like 6 years when I write the numbers … which I suppose IS a long time … but it was the time from 6th grade until I was a Senior in High School. That's 6th grade, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th grades where life was in limbo, in between marriage and divorce. I found out later that it lasted that long because they were fighting about money … mostly, about me and college. Towards the end I was the only one left living with my Mom, my younger brother moved back in with my Dad when my older brother went to college. The 'why' of that comes a bit later. Divorce in general is enough shame, dragging it out is even worse.

Somewhere in that first year after moving my Mom started going on dates. There was a divorced man from our church who started coming around. There really are no words for how that feels. In one sense, my child-like self found it interesting because it was new and kind of exciting. But, in the depths of my heart … he was simply NOT my Dad. And I hated it. My Mom told me much later in life that she was trying to make my Dad jealous - so he would come after her and reclaim her. It didn't work though, he never did.

One day in my 6th grade class, right before the end of the day, kids started tossing my coat around the room for a joke, monkey in the middle style. Anger and hurt were so built up at the time that I burst out screaming, 'you don't have to make fun of me, just because my parents are getting divorced!!!' Ugg, wrong move … as if I could have controlled it. Then, 'poor me' had the teacher talking to me, telling me I had to tell my Mom what happened. And then a counselor was called in to drag me from class to tell me that divorce isn't my fault. Well, I KNEW that. But, now I also knew I could never let anyone see that wound again. It caused too much attention. Way too much attention. The last thing I needed was to be seen tied to this mess. By the way, my Mom barely acknowledged the conversation when we had it. She didn't look up from what she was doing (probably from her own shame) and I played the whole thing off as 'not a big deal'. She bought the crap I was selling - probably because it was easier on her too - and we never spoke of it again.

At the same time that my inner shame is being revealed to the whole world via my big mouth… I am also beginning to hit puberty. My body is rebelling. My breasts begin to develop. I start to gain weight. Hips that were never there, now began to appear. Before the 6th grade, I was one of the most popular girls in school. I was pretty and skinny, I had long blonde hair. My mom dressed me in nice clothes. I began to set trends even. I had tons of boys flocked around me writing love notes and buying me gifts … like all the time. Every girl wanted to be my friend, and every boy wanted to be my boyfriend. I was wanted. So when my parents separated, and I moved … my body was ALSO changing, and NOT in my favor. All eyes that were once on me - were now NOT. And a whole bushel of other girls were getting noticed and I saw it happening all around me. It was like the whole world was turning away. Then, one day I was standing in line with my friend and she openly tells me to untuck a shirt I am wearing because it makes me look fat and she said it in front of other people. I complied in mortification. And then I knew I was no longer beautiful, but ugly. The change had happened and I went from being noticed for being pretty to being noticed for being ugly. But soon after, what I wanted was to be invisible. That is WAY better than being seen as ugly… or so I thought.

Ok. I need a break, this sucks.

feelings

Feelings matter.

So many people would say while I am in the middle of this choking fog of shame, that I should just reject what I am feeling and focus on the promises of God … they are what is true. That feelings are not to lead us around in life. Well, I agree and totally disagree all at the same time.

Yes, it is true that I should work on remembering God's promises … that is how Jesus defeated Satan during the temptation. He used the Word of God as a weapon of combat. He stood strong in the Word. They were and are, after all, a reflection of Himself - His very being. God's Word does not come back empty, it always fulfills what God declares.

But isn't the purpose of this whole walk down shame-memory-lane … to reveal and uproot the shame that has been driving me for the last 30 years? How else am I supposed to do it without releasing pent up emotion and hurt? How else am I supposed to identify the cause unless I understand the emotions that are coming out of it?

'Out of the overflow of the heart … the mouth speaks' … isn't that a quote from Jesus somewhere in the gospels? Doesn't that mean that whatever boils out of my heart … eventually comes out in my life? If my heart is hurt and wounded … doesn't it make sense that in a state of self-protection, anger would come rising out to keep people at bay? I think so. feelings tell us when something is wrong … they can also tell us when something is right.

Piper always says in his principals of Christian Hedonism that we can't just follow God out of duty, but we must be seeking God for His glory, and our greatest joy. We must love Him wholeheartedly because that is how we thank God for all He has done for us. It is a heart filled with love for Him that makes God feel joy. He doesn't love us to get joy, because He is already perfect and has everything but, He loves it when we LOVE Him. When it just pours out from us. In Song of Songs it says that this is what captivates His heart… it overwhelms Him.

Right now the only thing overwhelming my heart is shame. It has been eating away my insides for 30 years… with new offenses being dumped in each time they meet the profile. BUT, what I want is my heart to be filled with love. I want the Lord to be captivated by my heart overflowing for Him. I want my feelings - all of them - to love Jesus - not just to say I do - but to KNOW I do. To FEEL that I do.

If we really love God we WILL love others too … it will just happen. 'The first commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength … the second IS JUST LIKE IT … to love your neighbor as yourself.' It is the overflow of a heart in love with God.

God, take my heart captive … so that I might captivate yours.

wasted

I hardly know where to begin.

I have been stuck inside myself with so much swirling around. There have been so many wrong thoughts. So much unbelief. So much self-hatred. Shame has filled my stomach up with nausea that I have been trying to snuff out with cookies. Which then only feeds my hatred more.

It has been hard to breathe. I have been turning the TV on a lot lately… trying to drown out my own thoughts and breathe again. The noise inside is ugly. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror without loathing. It is hard to settle into a quiet activity because the thoughts rise up again. Such evil like: 'I am  ugly', 'no one wants me around', 'I am full of darkness', 'I am un-pursued', 'I am fat'… and countless more. ' throw up what you just ate' , 'starve yourself', ' life is not worth living'. It's so hard to put into words … it's like a constant choking fog.

I can barely stand it anymore.

I woke up this morning just crying out to God for help. I am so wasted from it. It's exhausting trying to reject each one. Trying to remember the truth.

I so want this done, Lord. Please rescue. Please reveal the shame. I simply can't stand this anymore.

Brazil

I was recently in Brazil. Before I went I wondered what I was there for… and honestly, I am still not sure.

One thing I AM sure of, I got to know our partners in ministry much better. We had lots of time for good discussion, and fun as well. We talked over meals, we laughed when things were ridiculous. Our hearts sank together as we looked in on the horrors of human poverty and drug use.

Brazil is a mix for me … at a distance it is a gorgeous place. Sweeping mountains of jungle right on a gorgeous coastline. A city full of promise with friendly people. Standing above it all is the Christ statue with His arms stretched wide to the people below.

…but up close it is full of filth. Spray painted drug tags are everywhere on everything. Trash is everywhere… and I mean everywhere. It is literally like people just throw their trash down wherever they are, even in the nice parts of town. Huge slums sweep up the sides of mountains. In them, drug dealers are everywhere. There are makeshift huts made from remains of billboards and tarps or whatever they could cob together. Maybe some running water. No toilets. All surrounded by mountains of trash. Flies buzzing. Pigs roaming. Horses standing in the trash rifling for a meal.  

In Brazil, in Rio… the rich are super rich, and the poor are super poor.

We visited 2 slums … the first one, 'The City of God', was called dangerous … though while I was there I did not feel as though I was in danger. Apparently, the drug dealers there are really violent. And there are many shootings. We were there to see it, and to gather some kids together for a Bible story, snack and games. While we were playing games, a sound of firecrackers came from around the corner … the kids got up and ran, parents yelling 'en casa, en casa!!!' It was gun fire. I was oblivious. Since I have never heard real gunfire (except a shotgun during hunting season), it didn't scare me even a little, the only reason I moved from where I was - was because everyone was scrambling. This is how these kids live everyday.

The other slum was even worse.

'Crackland' … I didn't know a place could be dirtier than what I had already seen. We went with an evangelistic team who goes into the slum to call people out from drugs to Jesus and rehab. I guess it's pretty safe to venture in with a big crowd. We passed by many drug dealers … some of whom looked like 12 year old boys… though I am sure were armed and extremely dangerous. We crawled through a hole in a wall and crossed the railroad tracks. Walked a makeshift bridge over a river of scum, urine, trash, maybe some water… and entered what some people deemed 'home'. But, really what it is, is a narrow strip of land between the tracks and a highway, where people have found a little bit of shade under some palm trees. They threw up some tarps, and gathered a scrap here or there for a roof. The whole place stank of urine and sweat. It was muddy and hard to move around. And nearly everyone there had a blank, glazed look in their eye.

They spend what little money they find on crack. They do hits over and over again until they are unable to sleep for days. And when they come off it, they fall onto the ground, or a filthy mattress on the side of the road, and sleep for days on end. This is their endless cycle. Throw in prostitution, pregnancies, and crack babies, and now they are not only ruining their own lives, but the next generation as well.

What strikes me most … the kids. They amidst it all, still had bright shining faces. They smiled and laughed. They had toys. They had Disney princesses on their shirts. They played amidst the filth. They ran around barefoot and carefree. They felt safe … most of the time … because this was their home. They know nothing different.


So I am still processing what I experienced…. I still am not 100% sure what God wants me to take away from it all. BUT one word keeps coming up again and again in my mind… intercession.

Intercession is change. God moves and change happens. BUT first we have to get on our faces and pray.

Where do you want me, God?

weighed down

We must respond.

If Andrew Murray were sitting in my church service this week he would have been proud. It was on Galatians 3. ' O you foolish Galatians! Why having begun in the Spirit do you think you now need to continue in the flesh! ' That was my paraphrase. The gist of it all was … We are justified by Christ's work on the Cross. We are glorified by Christ's work … and we are SANCTIFIED continually by Christ in us. We DO NOT do the work … we respond to His work in us … with worship and obedience.

The response I realized as my pastor was speaking is the part that is stuck/stopped up in me.

I listened to the sermon - saying yes - I KNOW this! So what is my problem?
I cannot respond as I should be able. I cannot worship … my eyes are fixed on me … stuck looking at me because of this long buried shame that God is dredging up.

I have prayed for obedience. I have prayed for a bigger vision of God. I have prayed for my heart to feel His presence. BUT I just can't for whatever reason. God has shut it all down - so I can see this deep problem. God wants me to see it … so that we can be rid of it … so that I CAN respond!

Shame keeps us looking at self. Shame keeps our eyes on our nakedness … instead of His splendor. Shame leaves us afraid of God and wanting to hide. God wants my response to Him to be boldly walking up to His throne. Shame is in the way and must be removed.

So what do I do? That was a big question during the sermon if God is doing it all … what must I do? Respond in worship… respond with obedience. Not Because I have to because if I don't God will be angry. BUT because I GET to, because God always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS looks on me with love. His love is not conditional like ours - but because it is SOOOO different than human love we think it mirrors our conditional love. BUT it is so other! He looks on us with so much love, and love and LOVE and love and LOVE that we just can't hold all of it. He is good always. He loves us ALWAYS!

But my response is stuck. So what can I do?
I wait. Wait for God to come un-stuck me.

Cause here is the lesson. I can't do anything. He must do all in me. I wait on Him and surrender myself again and again to Him and His ways. He has yet to leave me hanging (I may whine and complain about waiting) but he ALWAYS comes.

A hymn has been on my mind lately … O Sacred Head Now Wounded… the first verse goes like this:


        O sacred Head, now wounded,
with grief and shame weighed down, 
now scornfully surrounded
with thorns, thine only crown:
how pale thou art with anguish,
with sore abuse and scorn!
How does that visage languish
which once was bright as morn!

What thou, my Lord, has suffered
was all for sinners' gain;
mine, mine was the transgression, 
but thine the deadly pain. 
Lo, here I fall, my Savior!
'Tis I deserve thy place; 
look on me with thy favor, 
vouchsafe to me thy grace.

What language shall I borrow
to thank thee, dearest friend, 
for this thy dying sorrow,
thy pity without end?
O make me thine forever; 
and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never 
outlive my love for thee. 

It's my favorite hymn. The words are so full. The first verse is what has caught my attention - the image of being weighed down with grief and shame - that is how I feel. Weighed down and lost in my shame. But I need not feel that way … Jesus has born all of that for me already!

So come Jesus and show me what is next … I am waiting on you.

see

I am reading an excellent book about shame, called, 'Shame Interrupted' by Edward Welch. Honestly, as soon as I started reading I wanted to throw it down. It's hard to face the deep shame inside. Really hard.

Shame is not something we like to talk about … in fact it is the opposite … it is what we run and hide from.

Here is the definition from the book:

Shame is the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did,
something done to you,
or something associated with you.
You feel exposed and humiliated.
You are disgraced because you acted less than human,
were treated as less than human,
or you were associated with something less than human,
and there are witnesses.


WE ALL HAVE SHAME. It is inescapable. We live in a world where Adam and Eve ate the fruit. They WERE naked and unashamed. Then they ate and the FELT naked and they felt SHAME. As soon as Adam ate - their eyes were BOTH opened. And they could never be closed again to the knowledge of good AND evil. They hid from themselves, and each other, with coverings of leaves, and as soon as they heard God in the garden they hid from Him too. Adam says to God … I hid because I was naked … AND because I heard you coming. Adam and Eve were covered in the filth of shame and they did not want to be SEEN. Not seen by themselves, and NOT seen by God.

I read through Genesis 3 again this morning. I am always amazed to see something new again. I asked God as I read … why weren't YOU there? You knew the serpent was there … why didn't You show up? You knew what was happening … why didn't you come and present to Adam and Eve the truth again - right then and there? Why in that moment did you leave it up to us?

Instead you showed up after. Perfection was broken. Your sanctuary ruined. Why did you show up after … and act like you didn't know what had happened?

Why do you withhold?

I know in my mind the answers that are always given. Even If I was there I would have done the same thing. I am Adam. I am Eve. I am silent. I am deceived. I know you wanted us to choose You. You want us to love you back. But even that we are incapable of. You have to empower our minds to choose You. We have to be drawn by the Spirit. Why was THIS plan the BEST plan? You see all of it from eternity to eternity. And yet you have allowed so MANY to perish without you. Without REAL, TRUE, LASTING LIFE. You have made some for common use and some for holy use. I get that somehow THIS is all for YOUR glory. And that You are ONLY GOOD. But why was this the best way? Why do so many have to live life feeling like they are broken and dirty? Why are they beat up, abused and wrecked?

Why in that one moment didn't you show up? Why after?

And now shame is everywhere. IT HURTS, God. Why?

inferior
alienated
embarrassed
minority
ridiculed
weak
powerless
failure
different
insulted
rejected
inadequate
humiliated
ignored
loser
misfit
marginalized
unclean
dishonored
filthy
shunned
disgusting
defiled
outcast
unloveable
discarded
repulsive
disgraced
worthless
loathed
scorned
vile
ugly

The words of shame. We all feel something on this list… deep in the recesses of our hearts.

Why did You do it this way?

What is shame?
      You are shunned.
            Faces are turned away from you.
            They ignore you, as if you don't exist.
       You are naked.
            Faces are turned toward you.
            They stare, as if you are hideous.
       You are worthless, and it's no secret.
            You are of little or no value to those whose opinion matters most to you.


Even in our perfection … even then … could we just not SEE You as You are? Could we NOT get it even then? And so now we need all of the span of human History … just to SEE YOU? To see your beauty, and majesty, magnificence, Your light, and life. Your peace and joy, your delight for us, Your amazing LOVE … your grace… your GLORY. Could we not SEE you?

OH GOD GIVE US EYES TO SEE!

I am small and dumb. My mind small and finite. I am nothing compared to You. Please have mercy on me, God. I am fragile and afraid. I am broken and weak.

You must come and fix my mind. Fix my heart. Make me strong. Help me not to fear You and Your light… but walk in boldness to Your throne because of Jesus. I need help. I need freedom. I can't get them on my own. I need You. I need Your presence. I need to see YOU.

ugly

No matter how hard I try … I cannot make myself beautiful.

Certainly I try on the outside. I fix my hair, I put on make-up, I buy flattering clothes.

But my thoughts are always … 'I guess this is good enough.' 'I can't do anything else… this is it.' I never FEEL pretty. No matter how many times my husband, and sometimes even my kids, say it. I KNOW I am ugly.

I just recently got my hair cut … trying to make it better … I made it worse. Now I am stuck with shorter-than-I-would-like hair. And I feel just plain ugly when I look in the mirror.

I put on makeup and it just never seems to cover my blemishes enough. I have dark spots from sun and age. Wrinkles have begun to appear around my eyes. There is a really stubborn wrinkle between my eye brows that I feel like makes me look angry all the time. Perhaps it's there BECAUSE I am angry all the time. I am always plucking stubborn hairs that should NOT be on a woman's face.

I buy clothes but no matter how pretty they are … I always have to buy them in a bigger size than I would like. I always walk away feeling fat. Like there are rolls I need to hide. If I just stand this way, and try to stand up straight - which seems nearly impossible for me and my back - and hold in my stomach, I can ALMOST imagine that I am passible. That no one will notice how truly uncomfortable and ugly I feel.

This is how I feel. This is something I am always trying to hide. Not just from others but from myself too. This is WHY I buy make-up, and clothes, and do my hair. I am trying to hide in plain sight. I am constantly thanking God that I live in this day and age and not long ago when some of that would have been impossible for a regular gal like me. All of the things I need to hide in plain sight are readily available in the grocery store … and its perfectly acceptable in our culture to spend money on all of it.

I think too this is why I am good at decorating. It matters to me how things look around me, not just because I find them beautiful but because they are a DISTRACTION. If everything around me is beautiful … maybe no one will see that I am NOT. They will focus on other things. Plus throw in the added bonus of pride as people make comments and affirmations.

I draw pictures of pretty things. I paint flowers and leaves. I use vibrant colors. Because they are beautiful and I want soooo much to be a part of it. Even if it's just a small taste and for a short while. I get to fall into the illusion and be absorbed.

Truly, I think there is NOTHING wrong with doing any of the above things. There is nothing wrong with looking your best, or loving pretty things. BUT for me… my motives for WHY I do what I do - run much deeper than I would have imagined.

I want to make MYSELF beautiful. And no matter how hard I try or what kind of effort I put into it … I ALWAYS come out feeling ugly. And at times the effort has been a battle - especially when it comes to food - a battle that I have won and lost again, won and lost again, and again and again. The failure feels like so much death. So much shame. I throw my hands up and declare 'I cannot win!' And I hate myself even more.

Is this the shame I have been searching for?
I think it is some … a part, not the whole.

It is even deeper.

i am dark

I listened to another Mike Bickle sermon today. It was from Song of Songs 1: 5-6

I am very dark, but lovely,
    O daughters of Jerusalem,
like the tents of Kedar,
    like the curtains of Solomon.
Do not gaze at me because I am dark,
    because the sun has looked upon me.

Bickle was talking about viewing ourselves rightly as Christ followers. The right balance between understanding our sinfulness and our holiness in Christ. A right view of sin is appropriately humbling. It teaches us our need for a savior … not just for justification, but each day after as we are sanctified. We need Jesus to live out each day, for apart from Him we can do nothing. But then this also, needs to be balanced with an understanding of God's great, amazing love for us. Not only has He made us holy in Christ … but WHY did He make us holy in Christ? He did it because of His all consuming passion for us. He loves us - pursues us - delights in us - He is ravished by us. He loves us so unbelievably - not because we did anything, or deserve anything - but because of WHO HE IS. His character - His very personhood - can NOT help but LOVE us!   And He has loved us even before the foundation of the world…. even while we were yet sinners …even now when I screw up again and again in my immaturity.

Bickle shared that God sees it all … before time, to the end of time, and everything in-between. His love never changes. Because it's part of HIS character. And not only that … BUT He views me - all of me - all at the same time. From my beginning to my never end in eternity with Him. He sees the beauty in me now, and the even more beautiful then - all at the same time. He sees the 'yes' in my spirit … the very intention of my heart - the good God-given intentions to love Him with my whole heart … no matter how immaturely I walk that out … as beautiful. It captivates Him - that "YES" in my heart.

Bickle shared about Peter and his betrayal of Jesus. The night before, Jesus told Peter he would betray Him. Peter says, 'There is NO WAY would I ever do that!' But, Jesus answers him and says, 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak' …. oh my gosh - how true. We know then that Peter denies him 3 times, and he is a broken man … he weeps bitterly.

Then after Jesus is resurrected, Peter is initially excited to see Jesus … we have the account of him running to the tomb … because truly He is excited that Jesus is alive! But later, when they go back to Galilee, Peter decides to take up fishing again. He thinks his time as apostle is over. He has ruined any chance to serve Jesus so closely again. He chooses to go back to fishing. John 21 tells the story. They did not catch any fish that night. That must have been so disheartening for Peter! He ruined his chance with Jesus and now he can't even catch fish! Then Jesus shows up and he tells them to cast again and they catch so many fish, that the net should break! And Peter leaps into the water to go and see Jesus. He LOVES Jesus… so he must be near even though He feels unworthy. Then Jesus asks Peter 3 times if he loves Him. By the third time asking … it digs down deep inside of Peter and He is grieved … remembering his betrayal. But Jesus loves him … Peter is not rejected - not cast away - He is restored to the fullness of his purpose!!… despite his betrayal.

Bickle points out that this is our way of dealing with our sin … we see it as a dis-qualifier. If I am going to sin that way … then THIS or THAT will be my punishment. This is what I deserve - to be out, to not be blessed, to have less a share in ministry, to be punished, to be satisfied with less and smaller things for ourselves… all because we view our sin as too big - too insurmountable. So we take OURSELVES out of the game because our failure is too big to deal with. Because we believe soooo wrongly about our own sinfulness and failures, and we don't believe strongly enough in God's great love for us … in how He SEES us. Our shame … causes us to see God wrongly. Our shame causes us to punish ourselves. Our shame causes us to pull back.


From the notes on his teaching:
The issue is how is she (the bride from Song of Solomon) going to relate to God when she discovers her own sinfulness? How are you going to relate to God when you discover you have weak flesh, a dark heart? What we do in this crisis is a very important part of our spiritual life.

Many run from God instead of to Him in this spiritual crisis because they misunderstand how they look to God. They make the same mistake that Peter initially made. They resign, they give up, and they get entrenched in a mindset of shame (stronghold of shame).

A life of shame leads to a life of sin. If you feel dirty before God, then you will live dirty. The Lord does not want us to relegate ourselves to a second-class status. There is nothing more powerful in the earth than a woman who feels loved along with feeling clean and full of dignity. Such a woman is tenacious in love. She is powerful. God is raising up a corporate Bride that will feel clean, desired, dignified, pursued, and delighted in.


This is my problem … this deep shame… makes me feel dirty … and thus I am living like I can do nothing else BUT sin. To me, there is no other choice. This has been my way time and again - to run from God because I feel so ugly and dark. This deep shame has undergirded everything I have ever
done. Even though the truth has been poured out over me - so many times … this deep hole has always been sealed up tight away from God. He has not touched it, because I have never allowed it to see the light of day. It is so painful so ugly to me I have kept it hidden. I still don't know what it is … But at least now I get the 'why' of it.


Lord, shine the light of Your love please, free me from the darkness.

feel it

I am home alone. It is quiet. My husband and kids went off to visit family overnight… I was supposed to go with them and last night I just felt the Lord saying that I should instead... stay home alone. I declared to my husband this intention and all the 'should's' that I knew he would bring up came out. I knew it, because they were all the same ones I was already speaking to myself in my head … but still I just KNEW I needed to stay at home.

In the last few days thoughts and images have been coming to my mind about the dark hole in my heart. That deep dark place that the Screaming One has been guarding. Its a dark hole filled with some sort of shame … I have been waiting for God to reveal. It's not exactly a happy thing but I have been wanting to just get on with it for a while. I tried hiding out from it back in August but then realized the only way to kill it, was to walk through it - examine it with the Lord as He was calling me to - and get true lasting healing.

A couple of weeks ago I woke up from a dream and the Lord declared that it was the first memory of many to follow - to begin to understand - the shame.

Honestly, I wish I wrote down the dream right then because now it has faded. In the dream, I was confronting a friend who was the Maid Of Honor at my wedding. But what I wanted to know about was why she never even invited me to HER wedding, so I was asking her why. I don't think I even got an answer in my dream … the point was not to get the answer though, but to see the deep hurt that had been left behind.

Now, even though this was a dream … it actually happened, except I never got to confront her. But I am not walking around in un-forgiveness to her - in fact most of the time I never even think about it or remember it. But God brought it up and pointed it out. He did this to show me that it is part of that deep dark hole of shame. The dream gave me a picture of how hurtful it really was. I had moved away after college to Texas with my husband and so going to this wedding probably would have been impossible anyway. We probably didn't really stay in contact much either… there was no Facebook back then… we didn't really even use email a whole lot. Letters and connected-to-the-wall-phones were all we had.

But in the dream, I was trying to ask her why? …but the hurt was so real, I could feel it again. I could feel the ache in my chest. The confusion of wondering why she didn't want me? respect me? love me? care about me? Did she consider me a friend? ugh it sucks thinking about it now.

Even now I don't know what to think about it. It just causes me to call into question all my friendships - current and past. Is it me? Am I a bad friend? What did I do? Am I unlikeable? And then I begin to wonder in the middle of this now … why do I feel so un-pursued? Why has God thwarted all/most of my attempts at friendships or mentoring relationships since moving here? What are you trying to show me?????

Clearly, God wants me to be really lonely for me to see whatever it is and to feel it. Because that is my everyday feeling - lonely. Disconnected from God, and friends … even a strain between my husband and I … while I am dealing with all of this. The Lord has kept me isolated for a reason.

I am sure there is more to come.


( as an aside friends … please do not feel like I am seeking pity or reassurances, nor am I trying to make anyone feel bad. I am just trying to be honest about what's going on inside of me. Clearly, God is at work trying to reveal something … and I am OK with that.)

painful call

I've been up since 3 am. perhaps earlier tossing with restless legs. I haven't had them freak out on me in a while which I have to say has been nice for sleeping. But tonight God was speaking THROUGH them. I heard the Lord say that my restless legs are a prophetic call. So I began to pray about it again … trying to understand what its all for… a prophetic call for what?

I began to piece together what the Lord has already shown me about my legs. I had a friend share a dream with me just before we left NY last year … here is what I wrote about that a couple months later:

As I was praying about it recently and getting up at night to try and walk out a bit of the leg crazies ... the Lord tied together my restless legs with a dream a friend had about me. Here is the gist of her dream:

You had just come back from a prophecy conference or something like that and you were so excited - glowing and beautiful. And you were especially excited about this new way of praying that you had learned. You wanted to show me, so you laid down on the floor and twisted your legs into a crazy but beautiful position. And it was clear that the strength in prayer came from your legs and this crazy beautiful position could not be achieved by human means.

I have no idea what the fullness of this all means but God specifically brought this to mind and said this dream and my restless legs go together somehow…. God also said that He was training me for something… 

and here is a vision a friend shared with me from the Spring:

The Spirit had me praying for your legs and somehow, someway your RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) is tied to hunger. He showed me Mephibosheth sitting at the king's table, but it was your face and body that I saw in the vision. I know it was Mephibosheth bc the Spirit made it clear to me by referring me back to David and his invitation to Meph. The vision picked up where the first one left off. Your mouth reappeared and you  went to sit at the table with food beautifully displayed. You we're sitting and eating, but you we're savoring, not merely eating. Only you and the King were there. He was clothed in a heavily decked robe. It was white and gold. And you we're clothed in white, but I couldn't make out the details of your dress. Your radiance was so pure, so at peace, although there was a double edged sword (a small one) near your right arm on the table. At your left arm was a bowl of water.


So as I am praying through all of this … things are coming into my mind - understanding of scripture that was never there before.  It comes kind of randomly and gets pieced into the right places. I remember that Mephibosheth's name means 'idol breaker'. That's a big deal when you are struggling to overcome a food idol … and an instant gratification - seek your own pleasure right now and ignore God - kind of idol.  I thought through the story of Meph. He is Saul's grandson, he is Jonathan's son… David's best friend who is now gone. David has ascended to the throne and one of the first things he wants to do with his power is bless Saul's family - his enemy.  He speaks with a servant of Saul's and learns about Meph.  Meph is crippled in both legs. David invites him into the throne room and chooses to BLESS him. This is NOT what Meph is expecting … he is expecting death - for himself and his whole household. He is in the line of another king … he could be a usurper! BUT instead David wants to bless him! He gives all of Saul's family land back to him and asks a servant to care for it all and Meph will receive the blessings with none of the work! AND then David invites him to his table!!! THIS IS A CALL TO INTIMACY … not just physical blessings. God took care of those too … but the real blessing is fellowship with the KING. He was invited to intimate fellowship - to sit alongside of the king and share many meals in the days ahead - to be near Him and share life - to share food… the BEST food - at the Kings table. 

I realized that my restless legs … and this dream from my friend, and this vision from another …. were all a PROPHETIC CALL INTO INTIMACY.

Well then since my door to God seemed to be open for a time I began to pray for other things too. I prayed earnestly for my kids to want to pursue God - to be filled with desire for Him. To long after Him and His word. That they would read His word and it would be alive to them. That He would make their hearts burst with Him. 
Then a friend came to mind. 
A dear friend of mine's husband … is suffering from head to toe in pain. And I began to prayerfully wonder what God was calling him to prophetically see about his life. If my legs can speak this to me … what does a whole body of pain want to speak to him? I felt like God gave me the answer! 
It is a Job's call on his life. 
And then God took me through a overview of the story of Job and then - knowing I had a few things off … told me to get up and read it and get some details fixed … i.e. the name of a main character ( Elihu… I was confusing him with Eliphaz) before I told my friends what God shared with me and I confused them! 

The call to my friend is BIG. I believe God is calling him to examine everything right now and RE-EVALUATE. His job, his home, his relationship with his adopted daughter, his sons, his wife… all of life and set them before God and see what NEW thing God wants to show him. 

In the story of Job … in the end God condemns Job's three friends … they did NOT speak for God … and then God blesses Job with a DOUBLE portion after taking all his wealth away.  He also allowed all of his 10 children to die and returns to him 10 more children…. and his daughters are specifically mentioned. 

Anyway - I am getting off track … I felt that God was calling my friend to examine his life - God is calling him to a huge shift that will affect everything. This pain is to stop him in his tracks and get him to listen. God is coming  to speak … and this preparation is a proper humbling to get him ready to hear God. I felt that God was not going to strip away his family in any way - like he did to Job … but everything else is going to change. 

This idea of thinking of our physical struggles as a way that God speaks to us came from Andrew Murray. He wrote a book called Divine Healing about this very thing. He wrote it after a 2 year stint where his was unable to speak much due to voice injury. For a pastor who proclaims the gospel as he did … that was a big deal. He went away on his own, and God pushed him into writing … because his voice was broken. BUT Andrew Murray still had so much to say! Without a voice - a pen would have to suffice! Now his voice is preserved! And his ministering to many beyond his generation! - to me! Well as Andrew Murray learned more and studied more … he went to a healing center somewhere in England and learned through scripture and counsel that God has purpose for all our struggles in life. They are a way to get our attention - so that we might hear Him better. So we have to ask big questions when they arise. And when we have walked through all our struggles … and God has taught us what we need to know … He may choose to heal. 

My plantar fasciitis - my feet kill at times - speaks to me about walking ahead of God… just recently I noticed my feet hurt more than I thought they should - for no apparent good explanation … but then I needed to repent of going ahead of Him again.
My sore neck speaks of stubbornness - an unwilling spirit to go where God is leading.
my hip pain - speaks of a time of wrestling with God … or an invitation to wrestle with Him
my restless legs are a call into intimacy … so now I get what that is for .
my voice hurts regularly … its hard to speak and I can hardly sing anymore … why does God want me so quiet?
I wonder what my lower back pain is for? I haven't even thought of it in this context yet?

Yes I get that some of this comes with age … and perhaps I do need to see a doctor for some things … :) …. BUT even more than that … why has God allowed hurts to come into our life? They are there to speak to us - to help us see life differently … why? ….start asking some hard questions. 

repenting again

I need to repent.

I have realized the last few days that all attempts at self-control in regards to eating have utterly failed.

This most recent attempt was a 40 day Medifast fast. I fasted through lunch, meals and snacks were to be Medifast meals which includes a lean and green meal for dinner. It seemed easy enough - I've done  it a million times before. I've lost 50 pounds doing it before.

The problem is me. I can not bring myself to commit to more than a week or so of actually doing it. As soon as a scheduled break comes along … i.e. a girls night out to Cirque du Soleil with dinner beforehand - yay for me!… I am utterly derailed. Now REAL food has passed my lips and soon thereafter I let it sneak in everywhere else… especially over the weekends when life is less regimented.

So I began praying about this … and yesterday took a tour down blog memory lane. I reread posts from the last 5 months or so, and discovered that I HAVE DONE IT AGAIN. I have walked ahead of the Lord. I took this fast into my own hands because I am desperate. I REALLY want to lose my weight before the 40 mark - coming in January! Not a bad goal …. BUT it is not my main goal. My main purpose in this particular weight loss track is not actually to lose weight! Crazy good reminder.

It is instead to honor God with my body, to learn not to be mastered by food, to put off the old man and its addiction/idolatry for food!

The thing is God has already given me the answer for this like 6 billion times! Ok … so maybe not that many times… but quite a few. And the last time was in the Spring when He reminded me about the time that I spoke these very words out of my own mouth to myself : What if God wants me to be so dependent on Him that I pray and ask what I am supposed to eat each and every time I am hungry?
As I said those words out loud in front of a group of women … they were different. They had power and conviction… they were prophetic.

So if that is what God is calling me to… why can I still not manage to obey? Well off the top I can think of a lot! :
1. THIS IS WAY HARD!!!! Do you know how hard this is going to be God????? This is CRAZY hard.
2. I don't actually believe that God will show up and deliver…. Let's be honest this year of silence has sucked. Did I really believe you would show up and make this thing happen - when you were not saying anything at all to me. No I did not. Not even a little.
3. I thought that managing it and mixing in my own fix would be more helpful. So I started out trying to mix the Holy Spirit and Medifast. As if Medifast is some sort of Holy Grail of weight loss, at least I thought it was for me.

So there they are, THE big 3 … FEAR, UNBELIEF, and PRIDE.

Yup - repentance is in order.

Father, forgive me for being so stupid, again. Can you really forgive me again for making the same mistake over and over? I know it says to forgive 70x7 … but seriously I am a mess.

Forgive me for being afraid of such a big thing you were calling me to. All I saw in front of me was a big task and an opportunity to fail again and again and I wanted no part of it. I wanted what I thought was foolproof and trusted in a worldly plan instead of You. I forgot that you call us only to live this day before you … not this whole week, not next month or the years ahead. Just today. And fear took a grip in my heart. Help me to trust you and your goodness. Help me to believe that You are for me and never against. That You are the God of the Universe and that I am small and easily cared for by You - a Good and Gracious Father.
Forgive me for not believing that you would provide the grace I need - in the moment, in the DAY, that I need it. Help me to remember that where you lead - You provide! You give good gifts to all who seek, and ask, and call on your name, and provide the Spirit to those who ask.
And forgive me for being so presumptuous and mixing in YOUR plan with my plan… and for walking ahead of you and making MY own plan. Both have failed. Forgive me for lacking obedience and self-control … clearly not walking in the Spirit, and for not letting my Yes be Yes and my No - No.
Lord, I need help. More of your obvious Spirit-led help. Because clearly I am small and dumb and just can't manage this whole thing on my own. Please show up and conquer my doubts, conquer my unbelief and sin … and fill me with healing, and the power of the Holy Spirit. I need more of you and less of me … in so many ways. Father I invite you in to lead me and to heal me.
I know all of this has a part in that deep dark hole inside me that the Screaming One is guarding. Please come and shine your light - bring peace and freedom I pray. I thank you in advance for all that you have done and all that you WILL do. In Jesus' name and in the power of the Holy Spirit I pray. Amen

Today is new. I spoke to my husband who agrees that Medifast food should be no longer. I need to eat real food. I need to let the Lord direct me each day. How else am I going to learn to eat real food in a normal-for-me way? I am making no grand promises except to try and fail and try again and again and again if the need arises. Eventually God will retrain my ways. It has got to be His way. It has to.

terraforming

As I was praying over this passage from Isaiah 41:17-20 that I quoted in my last post:

When the poor and needy seek water,  
    and there is none,
    and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
    I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
    and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
    and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
    the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
    the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
    may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
    the Holy One of Israel has created it.

I heard the Lord place in my mind this word : terraforming.

This word is not foreign to me because I love science fiction. love it. Terraforming is all over the place because it means - to transform an inhospitable environment to one that is hospitable. So of course aliens are always trying to do this to new worlds in the movies … so they can take over a planet and reside there. So as soon as the Lord put this word in my mind … I could instantly picture something like 20 images in my mind. In the movies, it's usually a violent act involving a massive devise that towers over the planet in destructive force. It never seems to move quiet and slowly - it's never a barely noticeable event. It is earth SHAKING - it is earth RESHAPING. Everything gets torn up and remade. EVERYTHING.

As the Lord spoke this word into my mind … I realized that the verses above speak of the Lord terraforming the landscape for His people … making it hospitable - making it flow with beauty and life and fullness. 

This is an act not just for the landscape but for my heart … for everyones heart.

I believe God has loosed something in the heavens this week. I have heard stories from all corners of life about changes that are happening in believers. Some are good - some seem bad for now. But God is on the move - changing the landscape. He is getting ready to do a new thing altogether. It's BIG. Get ready. The terraforming has begun.

ready

God is pretty dang cool.

A friend asked me to be praying for her last night because she was getting together with someone. I prayed for her but was soooo very expectant for good news. She texted me this morning with news beyond my expectations!!! I am so filled with joy for her. Truly my soul sang the chorus to All Creatures of Our God and King … Oooh praise Him, Ooooh praise Him, Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

The reason it was so cool was because God gave me a prophecy about this very thing happening … and NOW it is happening!!! And He confirmed the prophecy in another friend … and then too, in this dear friend with the glorious news!! God is so amazing and good. He turned this mess of a story into something so crazy and full of redemption that it is truly unbelievable!

So I am rejoicing with my dear friend who has so opened her heart to God that God is now showering blessings down on her. Not because she has done anything to deserve it … but just because HIS LOVE is so big and awesome and this is what makes Him smile!!!

This encourages me so much … that waiting for the good that God brings - that ONLY He can bring … IS INDEED worth the wait!

As I continue to wait on God … now I am waiting with expectation. He gave a verse as I was crying out to Him again yesterday. A friend texted me while I was praying with a passage in Hosea let led me to a passage in Isaiah … both were promises from God - that He is at work, He is up to something new!

...I will answer the prayers of my people.
    I will take good care of them.
I will be like a green pine tree to them.
    All of the fruit they bear will come from me.”
If you are wise, you will realize
    that what I’ve said is true.
If you have understanding,
    you will know what it means.
The ways of the Lord are right.
    People who are right with God live the way he wants them to.
    But those who refuse to obey him trip and fall. Hosea 14:8-10

I asked what He could possibly mean by calling himself a 'green pine tree' … and my friend and I texted back and forth … I looked it up in the ESV and it said 'evergreen cypress' and then went to do a word search. My friend said that cypress trees grow in harsh climates … I speculated that evergreen referred to God's unchanging character and then I read this:

When the poor and needy seek water,
    and there is none,
    and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
    I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
    and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
    and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
    the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
    the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
    may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
    the Holy One of Israel has created it. Isaiah 41:17-20

Can I just tell you how thirsty I am? My heart longs all day for the Lord to break down the wall that is keeping Him hidden from me. I want Him to come and pour over me, and over me, and over me. I long for Him. I want His nearness - I ache for it. This scripture passage answered my longing right in the middle of my prayer … GOD said HE would ANSWER. HE will NOT FORSAKE.

Praise Him - He is so good.

And all of this waiting will have been to see His Hand do something AMAZING … that only He can do. My friends answer to prophecy speaks not only to her … but to me… it was revealed NOW - not just for her … but for me too… in this time… to bolster me while I wait … to keep me expectant - ready to watch as the Lord does the incredible. And I will be ready!

I AM ready!!!

a word from the Lord

I went to church yesterday but to a service I don't usually attend. It was nice to see some people I know but don't usually see … it's funny how that is at a church with more than 1 service. There was an older couple there (and by older I mean older than me - not too many grey hairs there!) that my husband and I have had dinner with once a few months ago. Super awesome people from what I can tell. I hoped that after the service we would get to have a conversation … but what I received was way cooler!!

The husband pulled me aside … with his wife there… and spoke a prophecy to me that the Lord spoke to him during church. He said this…

I saw a picture of you … you were in a group of disciples walking with the Lord … and your normal role with Jesus has been to be a scout… Someone who goes ahead of the group, to find food, shelter and the right path. But I see the Lord calling you back to himself… He desires you not to go ahead for now, but to be with the group of disciples back with Jesus … to learn and grow with them … and to receive instruction and comfort from the Lord.

Super cool - right?!!

I can't say that I was thinking about what was next for me … but I also can't say that I haven't thought about it somewhat. It's hard not to when you have moved to a new place, and you just wonder why God brought YOU here … what does He have for ME to do?

As I look back over my year I can definitely see God pulling me back. There has been so much isolation, quiet … though not necessarily calm for me internally … circumstances have been good. I can see how God has even kept things quiet in regards to friendships … there have been some women I have tried to pursue in regards to mentoring and learning from them, and yet God has even kept those at bay. It has not been until recently that I felt I can attempt to get together with some of them again. So we'll see what happens…

Anyhow, I am super excited to hear that instruction and comfort and nearness to the Lord are coming my way… THAT is AWESOME news.

*Hey friends … I am going to refrain from putting 'post' in my newsfeed on FB just because it seems to be drawing too much attention - and that was never my intention. I usually write a couple times a week - so if you do follow along feel free to just check in. Comments are always appreciated too - I would love to hear what God is stirring in all of you.

bondservant

I am reading a Mike Bickle book, 'Passion for Jesus', and so far its been fine… quite a lot repeats from the other book of his I read '7 Longings of the Human Heart'. But the most recent chapter is a summary of Song of Solomon… I have been listening to Mike Bickle's teaching series through SOS but in the last couple weeks settling into homeschooling I haven't listened to one. So it was nice to get the overview again.

But I am struck by a section I read last night referring to SOS 5: 6-8. The maiden in the story has been left alone by her Love aka The Lord …

I opened to my beloved,
    but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
    I called him, but he gave no answer.

In Mike's book he says the maiden is put to the test. The withdrawal of His presence is to test her and it's not because she was disobedient BUT rather BECAUSE of her obedience and DESIRE for full maturity!!! Hmmmmm.

The next 2 paragraphs say this:

Does she serve God for the good feelings that she gets from His presence, or is she willing to be His without any conditions whatsoever? Jesus does not simply want to be a stepping-stone to better things. He is to be our magnificent obsession.

It is as if the Lord is saying, "Let me ask you, My bride: Am I only a source for your spiritual satisfaction, or am I the consuming reason for your very life? Am I a means to your end, or am I the very end goal of your life? Will you serve Me if there are no spiritual feelings? When My discernible presence is gone, will you still say, 'I am your loving bondservant'?"


Soooo if I had read that last year … I would have answered YES - YES you are!!! I want You and You only. But now, after living a year buried under dry, dry dirt … I am less convinced that I would be right.

I truly do want Jesus only … but what have I done in His absence the last year? I have been desperately fending off an addiction to food, and an addiction to distraction… aka TV (sometimes other forms). These 2 things speak so clearly of my need to constantly make myself happy. That Screaming One inside who seems never to be quiet unless I feed her with my addictions.

So is Jesus the source of my spiritual satisfaction … I would say resoundingly YES! BUT has He been the consuming reason for my very life? On the outside anybody would say yes! All my friends would say yes, people I minister to - would say yes. BUT when the Lord was 'absent' this past year where did I go looking for life … food, TV … things that made me happy in the moment. If God wasn't going to speak than I would wait on Him - YES … but half heartedly. I would give Him some time but in frustration with what seemed an unending silence - food and TV were always there to swoop in and distract when I felt spent. I was afraid to let the silence hurt me all the way through, so I would take a break from what seemed so hard, into something really familiar and easy.

So if I still had God's presence resting on me would I have seen this desperate hole in my life? Probably not. I knew these things were a struggle, even addiction - even idols in my life… but they seemed manageable. I knew that when God 'came back' he would help me conquer them … as I still believe… but I would not have seen the DEPTHS of the problem. It's not even the idols - though they are evil and a total pain in the ass - IT'S what they are COVERING that is the problem. The Screaming One is just the guardian of the problem that I am trying to feed continually with distraction. That shame, deep pain, that extreme self-hatred needs to be healed …. BUT I am still too busy feeding her. She needs to starve, she needs to scream louder, and I need to feel it.

I have given up a lot of food for these 40 days (don't worry folks I am still eating something!), but I have not given up TV. I had rationed my time down to just a small amount, but man, all day long I was looking forward to those few minutes. It has got to stop totally and it can … unlike food. (I considered a total 40 day fast from food but realized that many things in my life right now made that impossible … such as homeschooling). But if I am being honest, I do not want to hit the 'publish' button above because then I am ACCOUNTABLE to actually doing it. It's hard to let go of the thing that has been keeping you company all year… when there have been only a few new friends and soooo much quiet from the Lord. I have NO guarantee that the Lord will show up and BE present! And I have to let the Screaming One - scream! And I will have to look into that black hole - which will totally suck.

But I want Jesus more. Distraction be damned. Whatever you will, Lord, I am your loving bondservant.

dry

I can't even say I am frustrated anymore. Trying to stay open and expectant ... and then just NOT receiving anything... just seems the norm. It's monotonous. As I think of it now - I just want to cry... but each time I try - nothing comes.

I woke up this morning just asking God to DO SOMETHING! I'll take whatever. Revelation of HIs Word, revelation imparted to my spirit, a whisper, a trail to follow, a thought, a sense - ANYTHING. Yet nothing comes.

Why does He continue to keep my soul closed off to Him?

I even ask for understanding of sin, understanding about what the Screaming One guards... EVEN though it will hurt like crazy ... I JUST DON"T CARE! I am tired of being stuck!!!

I read His word and it is still so flat. It is a distant voice. I read Song Of Solomon this morning as I woke up ... and still - nothing. It's a book filled with passion yet it does not touch me.

Seriously stuck.

The life of Fall has resumed and I have started homeschooling again. I am longing to show my kids passion for God and His word ... but there is none in me right now. I only have old passions to live off of ... and they are DRY. What is the purpose in homeschooling if not to impart passion for Jesus? So why?

I have begun a fast dedicated to the Lord ... I began the same day as homeschooling. For 40 days. Each day at lunch I have dedicated the time to pray, read, and be with the Lord ... and that too is dry.

I have done everything I can do. I continue to draw near. He must be near too ... because that's what His Word says ... yet He will not let me know it. How dry must I be before He will water me?

Water me please.