I just read through my last post because I haven't written in awhile. It was really helpful - it sounds more like the Lord wrote it than I did ... because I have not been living in that place for quite some time now.
I have been at war in my mind. It is exhausting to continually having thoughts that contradict one another. Often they are about food, just as often they are thoughts about me and my sin verses the new creature in Christ.
I want to eat that, but I shouldn't - I should eat this instead.
I just yelled at my kids again - I really don't want to be that anymore!
I hate this new place, but then the next second trying to be thankful.
OOOh I love chocolate, but I am going to eat this diet bar instead.
I want to lose weight, but I am starving.
I want to love on my kids, but right now I don't want to be any where near them - they are driving me nuts.
I just want to chill in front of the TV, but I should be reading my Bible and pursuing Jesus.
Jesus says we can boldly approach the throne, but when we show up and ask for help He makes us wait.
He says the fruit of the Spirit is ours, but when I pray to for Him to make it evident in me - nothing.
Again back to the food - should I have salad or grilled cheese, I know what I want - I know what I SHOULD have.
I hate homeschooling, but I KNOW it is what God has called me to.
I see the benefits of homeschooling, yet I want my freedom to pursue my own desires.
What I desire in my flesh is so very contrary to God's word.
I hate my flesh... when will Jesus come and rescue me from it.
These are just some of hundreds of these conversations that happen in my head every day. EVERY DAY. ALL DAY LONG.
My mind is at war - all. day. long.
So the last few days I took some time off. I went on a much needed Christmas shopping trip on Friday - when I was supposed to be hanging out with my family. Again more war all day long "... maybe I should meet up with them ... I can do this later ... but I need some time off ... I like being by myself ... it's so quiet ... at least I am doing this for them... are they missing me though?" I DID get a lot of shopping done, and by the end of my day my mind was more quiet. So that night I couldn't sleep and watched Netflix/ TV til 3 in the morning - my mind was so quiet - It was sooo very nice. So the next day to continue the quiet I watched Netflix/TV all day. My mind was QUIET.
I have finally realized why TV is such an escape for me - it quiets the war. It shuts off the flow of should verses want - flesh verses Spirit.
I just listened to our lead pastor share a sermon on joy. I know joy is not about circumstances ... that little bit God has indeed taught me... got that part. Joy has to be focused in on Jesus - His worship - His salvation - His desires. He said that we can be joyful and stand on what God has already done for us - salvation - the eternal good things God has already granted to us. YES - I agree. YET my soul feels dead in the silence of the grave. So my question during the sermon was what to do while you are waiting for God to answer your prayer in the midst of the war - how can I wait, faithfully? When I am incapable of keeping my eyes on Jesus - and ask Him to help - to come and do the fixing for me... how do I wait faithfully in my flesh - when the Spirit isn't showing up?
Because I KNOW the answers ... I have lived them in the last few years - I KNOW where real joy lives!! It is in the heart of our amazing Jesus ... He knows how we must live, how we must worship, and what real love is!!! I KNOW it. Circumstances are just tools for the Lord to use to shape us as tools for the gospel - for displaying His image, giving Him glory.
I know this present time of His silence - taking me to the grave is for a PURPOSE. I have no doubt. I don't fully understand that purpose, but I am certain it involves purging sin. And I KNOW that God is good in the midst of it all - truly I do not doubt that.
What I don't get? Is why when I pray for the fruit of the Spirit to show up in my life - they simply are not present. Why God says we can boldly approach His throne and ask for what we need - He doesn't give what we ask for ... I am not asking for cars and money - or even answers ... I am asking for fruit in my life. I want to love my kids and husband, I want sin obliterated, I want peace in my mind. These are all things that ARE His will. These line up with His desires for me.
Andrew Murray says that when I pray - the answer is made immediately... but sometimes we have to wait to SEE the answer. So I can only imagine that I am in that time of waiting. OK. So how do I wait faithfully? How do I crush my doubts when it feels as if the Spirit does not show up when I need Him? How do I quiet the war without the use of TV? It seems once again that - That is precisely why I need the Spirit - only He can do that work. My flesh fights, and my new self NEEDS the power of the Spirit to enliven it to overcome my flesh. I know the Spirit dwells in me but why does it feel as though He doesn't show up when I need Him, pray for Him, beg for Him to come?
What is the purpose of the war within me? It must have purpose - or He wouldn't allow for it.
Why doesn't He show up when I ask?
What is the waiting for?
And how do I keep submitting to it? When I feel constantly beat up.
In the end Jesus - I know YOU know. You have the words of eternal life. You are trustworthy.
But you need to know I am tired and I want to give up. I want to be happy. BUT mostly I want to be happy in you.
