the girls

I just finished watching 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls ... The girls have been keeping me company in this transition time with very few friends, many nights when my husband has to work in the evening, and quite honestly it has been an escape from my kids and homeschooling.

There have been a lot of hours taken up with The Girls ... and at other times in life I think I would be angry at myself for so much waste, but NOT this time. I don't think I would have made it without them to distract me. I get so stuck over thinking at times, and thinking way too much inside my own head, and I am certain the horrors of depression would have settled in without them helping me along.

It seems silly... it is silly... but I don't care. This has been so hard and taking a break from everything has been necessary. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own head.

Describing this much change is hard. I can list off all the things that are different ... and I am pretty sure I have, but it never gets to the guts of it. There is something so deep that you just can not get at with words - they just don't touch it. Everything has shifted and it leaves a feeling of being unsettled, where everything is off, and feels wrong. Nothing is quite right, nothing is safe, or familiar. No one sees you, or really knows you, and it is so hard to break into what people have already begun in their own lives. It leaves you feeling like you are looking in on your life, instead of really living it. I gotta say - I'm not a fan.

So I have let the Gilmore Girls include me in their life for awhile, and it was nice to fit in somewhere. I know it was just an illusion, but it was nice while it lasted.

Now I have to figure out how to break into the life that God has for me now, here in this new place, and learn to love what is new and different. Learn to love homeschooling, and really get to know my kids, and dive into new friendships, and ministry. It scares the crap out of me, but staying here in this unknown and unsettled place, feels even worse.

My theme verse for the week: Psalm 70:4-5


But may all who search for you
    be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
    repeatedly shout, “God is great!”
But as for me, I am poor and needy;
    please hurry to my aid, O God.
You are my helper and my savior;
    O Lord, do not delay.