monster

Oh my gosh, I am horrible.

Homeschooling is revealing a monster inside. The first month went well and I could honestly say I felt that God had granted me patience ... perhaps He did that so that I wouldn't quit right out of the gate. This second month has been horror. And I can see many old evils coming out to be seen and heard - especially heard!!!

Last week it had gotten so bad that without talking I got my kids in the car - drove them to a park - and said 'leave me alone and go play'. For 2 hours they ran around and I sat in the car just calming down reading scripture. It seriously felt like I was Saul, and the scripture was slowly settling down the demon inside, as if it were David's harp playing. Reading scripture did not reveal anything to me... and I still haven't heard from the Lord... I just stopped seething.

Today while my daughter prayed to start the day she said this, 'God can you please help Mommy not to yell today.' And then later, 'I guess God didn't answer our prayer today.' Yup - I AM horrible.

It's not only that action but the underlying thoughts that are rolling around in my head. During Math today I wanted to strangle my daughter because she couldn't get a very easy concept. I am talking Homer strangling Bart Simpson kind of strangling here. All I kept thinking is how stupid she is. That is in and of itself is really awful for a mother to think of her daughter. But why do I think that?

When I was a kid school came very easily to me. I didn't struggle, I rarely studied... It was always just there and I found most of it interesting and simple. I also never went out of my way to challenge myself either, I did what was required and did it well. I liked that it was simple. So I know a part of me is angry that they did not inherit this trait from me... as if they can do anything about it. They think differently - more like their father - and that difference is just what it is - different. Except I can't get past it. I just end up thinking they are stupid and get angry and think if I just yell the information will finally get jammed in there somehow. Clearly, this is not working. Clearly, this is damaging.

This gets me thinking ... I need to pray more - get more focused on the Lord ... all the good answers. Because I know that only Jesus can fix me. There is nothing else that will heal all this junk in me - or even help me figure out what all the junk is - except for Jesus. He died for this very reason because I am just to horrible to fix myself. So I will pray and confess and ask for healing, and apologize to my kids and explain what I am going through ... minus the calling them 'stupid' in my mind part ... because that is just hurtful. BUT I feel like I have done that a million times ... and here I am still struggling with the same crap ... anger still bubbles up and grabs hold of my heart and still comes flying out of my mouth. So what am I to do?

I wonder if the waiting for the rescue is a really important step. Because rarely does God give us what we need right then and there when we ask. The fruit of the Spirit is supposed to be ours if we are walking in the Spirit ... right there available to be plucked. Yet I feel like I am snatching at it like a donkey being led around by a carrot on a string. I am jumping and trying to get that thing like crazy - but it is always out of reach. What am I missing? Is the waiting really important - and if so - why?

Maybe in the waiting we get to the very bottom of our ugly. Maybe I will finally truly hate the monster in me and surrender it to God and really get my need to be rescued. Or perhaps the waiting is the time that is needed in the spiritual realm ... when Daniel prayed he waited 21 days for God to answer his prayer because the angels were doing battle. It seems silly for me to think that angels are doing battle over me ... I feel like nothing but Paul does say our battle is not against the unseen in the spiritual realms.

Either way ... or maybe neither way ... I have to humble myself before my kids tomorrow and talk about my sin. I KNOW that is part of this equation. I need to beg God to come yet again to the rescue and grant me patience and kindness. And I know I don't want the monster back again ... Lord do your thing.