bare bones

Total weakness... waiting... God's silence... struggle with self... struggle against old sin... He is bringing me down to bare bones.

What is the grave but a place where bare bones lie in the ground.

I have been lumbering around in my monster state - wondering why God makes us wait so long for rescue. At first, it is hard to overcome the unbelief that perhaps He will never come... and the fear that comes with that. That He doesn't really love us, and He is not really good. When we believe this lie, we can get stuck for a really LONG time. I lived there for many years.

Then when you finally get that He IS good, and does what He says ... it still takes time!! At least your faith is intact, but you now have to wade through all your own crap to get to the rescue! This can seemingly take forever! Because the time that it takes is really about how long it takes my stubborn, thickheaded, downright dumb self - to actually get the message. Because the rescue is not really about being released from our unpleasant circumstances in this moment but about being rescued from the sin that has us all tangled up and mired down in our own shit. We are so stuck in self that we don't even see how stuck we are. Sometimes we DON'T want to see it either - and then it takes even more time.

The time is necessary - because we need to see our need. We need to see our sin clearly. And if we don't - we will never get over the sin that is in the way.

So now I have been in the silence of the grave for 3 and 1/2 months. It has been long - so long - and I knew I had things to learn and I have wanted so desperately to submit to the lessons. First, so that I do not have to repeat them, and second, so that I can be done with these annoying dishonoring sins that I hate so much. I hate them, but yet my flesh LOVES them so well. My flesh wants so desperately to hang onto them!!! This tug of war is exhausting! It's Romans 7 all over the place!

Submitting is so hard because it takes owning and accepting our weakness. These things that are in me - may never go away, I may have to continue a battle with them until the day I die and that thought exhausts me even more.

BUT the promises of Jesus are so much bigger than my sin.!!!

There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...

We are under no obligation any longer to our flesh...

It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me...

I am a new creature in Christ - the old has gone the new has come...


So how do I submit? I have said 'yes' to the grave - asked to be stripped, prayed to be free of these sins, I am submitting most days to the process whether I like it or not. I have confessed, and studied ...What am I missing?

What IS left but to swim wholeheartedly in my weakness and really feel it - really revel in my need.... and finally break my will to keep finding a way on my own. Murray says this in Abide In Christ:

The Christian often tries to forget his weakness: God wants us to remember it, to feel it deeply. The Christian wants to conquer his weakness and to be freed from it: God wants us to rest and even rejoice in it. The Christian mourns over his weakness: Christ teaches His servant to say, "I take pleasure in infirmities; most gladly will I glory in my infirmities." The Christian thinks his weakness his greatest hindrance in the life and service of God: God tells us that it is the secret of strength and success. It is our weakness, heartily accepted and continually realized, that gives us our claim and access to the strength of Him who has said, "My strength is made perfect in weakness."

A friend posted this quote yesterday ... a reminder from the Lord - right on time - right when I needed it. I keep getting these little prods from the Lord to stay on track - it's His way of saying 'See - I am still here!'

I SO want to be free, to be happy - joyful in Jesus. I totally want to stop being annoyed with my kids, and small troubles around me constantly ... I want to finally be focused on the ONE that matters. There is so much of my SELF that needs to be shut down. Jesus - please come and work - kill my flesh - strip me down to the bones. Help me revel in my weakness ...

I'll take the grave for now - if it means I get the joy of resurrection later.