Lord I am sorry I am such a self centered ass. I am so me focused so in love with my own thoughts and problems that I forget to do the very basic thing of confessing my sin to you - laying it all out. i am ugly full of so much self pity and self loathing ... so bent on hating everything new so bent to be sad why is there not a thankful bone in my body I hate that you have left me alone and i hate that i can not endure and i hate that I balk at even the smallest test. I hate that my problems are too small to even mention but i certainly dont want anything bigger either. I hate that I feel this way but I cant help it ... it is just here and I dont know how to shed it off ... and it just keeps bubbling up to the surface even when I try to focus on you. I hate that I cant even listen to worship music and that my throat so hurts that i cant even sing right now ... it seems that all of my go to places have been cut off. i cant really even eat the crap i want to eat because i am on this dumb diet that i am paying for ... you have blocked me in on all sides forcing me to what? i have no idea but everything in me says NO NO - I don't want this! I DONT WANT THIS!
what is wrong with me! Jesus i suck please come and rescue please. I want to praise you I want to love reading scripture even when you do not feel near. How do I do that - when you seem so absent ... but i know too that you ARE here - i just cant feel you - and i hate it. I hate it. I hate me when you are not here. I turn into this mess - this shitty mess. I dont even have tears to cry just all this angst. It is the red hot bones burning in me - crying out for You to come and be with me again. i need you I need you here with me I can not live without Your life pouring into me ... I am lost and desperate without you please release the Spirit on me again I cant bear this any longer.
I am trying to stay open ... i am trying to stay open ... please keep me open ... I need you to come.
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