WOW

(part 2 ... read the last post first!)

WOW.

Then we were called to come forward for communion when we felt led. I wanted to go up first ... and then I got my dipped matzo and knelt off to the side. I started just confessing and going over the thoughts God had shown me in the last hour. THEN before I knew it was happening someone was there with her arm around me, praying!!!!

She was praying for me! I don't remember it exactly but the basic gist was this...

Father, Lord, You know this beautiful creature next to me... and I just feel led to remind her how much she is loved by You ... how You sent Jesus to die in her place... and how much You want her to go on and do great things in Your name.... But God too I feel led to pray against depression and loneliness. I cast them out in the name of Jesus and pray that You will bring healing into those places in her....

WOW.

Her prayer was actually much longer but like I said that was the gist. The Lord sent her so I could hear Him speak to me. He didn't speak in my head or heart, I could not feel His presence directly... He was just there in her ... and she spoke the very things that had been on my heart all that day - all that week.

She gave me a hug and got up... and then in a few minutes came back asking if I needed to talk. I shared a bit of my story and I thanked her for her obedience to the Lord. I told her that the Lord did indeed speak those things through her to me ... and that I did need them! I never got her name ... she said she didn't even go to our church but was in a YWAM group visiting for the night. 

What a crazy blessing! 

(part 3 - soon to come!)

the grave

Oh my. Last night was cool.

This post will be dramatically different from the last 2 by the way.

I went to a worship night at our church. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go because I had such a difficult week with my crappy attitude, and well, my flesh loves to wallow. But that morning in church the speaker dropped about 7 verses that have been running in my mind for the last couple of weeks and I thought maybe - just maybe - the Lord might be trying to tell me something - so I decided to press in.

I got there and went to the back where they had a couple tables set up under a dim light so that people can study with the worship music in the background. I read over the verses again... one of them -  Psalm 30: 6-7  - stood out:


When I was prosperous, I said,
    “Nothing can stop me now!”
Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
    Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.

Then up front they were singing ... Blessed Be the Name of the Lord


Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name


I am having a vocal chord issue right now - they are overworked so singing actually hurts - but I sang anyway and listened in to the words, remembering my need to praise even when you don't know how. The line 'you give and take away' from Job is something that I have thought on recently and then heard repeated during the sermon that morning.  I read Psalm 102 as well, but nothing stood out again. Then Psalm 103... but everything still felt dull so I decided to go back over my journal/blog entries to read through all the verses that had even vaguely been highlighted for me in the last few months ... so I could read my thoughts in context hoping for an answer that had already been given that perhaps I was just missing. I realized that God may have given me a reason for His silence and I had just missed it. I read the recent rants but then went all the way back to when we first moved here.

In one post called 'submission' I read a quote from Murray again that continues to echo at me...


Children of God, we must go down deeper into the grave of Jesus. We must cultivate the sense of impotence, and dependence, and nothingness, until our souls walk before God every day in a deep and holy trembling. God keep us from being anything. God teach us to wait on Him, that He may work in us all He wrought in His Son, till Christ Jesus may live out His life in us! For this may God help us!

Christ had a perfect life, given by God. The Father said: “Will you give up that life to me? Will you part with it at my command?” And He parted with it, but God gave it back to Him in a second life ten thousand times more glorious than that earthly life. So God will do to every one of us who willingly consents to part with his life.  - Andrew Murray - The Master's Indwelling

OH BOY ... what did I do when I read this the first time?????!!!!

I prayed this ...


'Jesus I submit ... I do not want what my flesh wants anymore. I want You to come flooding in and take over - put me in the grave - empty me out, crush my evil desires, kill my flesh, put down my rebellion, suck away my pride. Remind me again just how small I am - and how much I need you to come in and do the things I can only dream of.'

I ASKED FOR THIS. This silence is a direct answer to this prayer. I asked to be put in the grave! I asked to be emptied, killed, crushed... to be reminded of my ridiculous need for Him - to remember my smallness!!!!! I ASKED FOR THIS! 

But I had no idea what I would get.... I pictured the usuals ... sin pointed out, confession, healing... BUT what else would I get but silence ... what else would the grave be like if there was no resurrection? It would be me dead in the ground - being nothing. There would be total quiet - total nothingness.... (I need to think on this more)

He is emptying me out. 

(Part 2 coming next!)

mess

Lord I am sorry I am such a self centered ass. I am so me focused so in love with my own thoughts and problems that I forget to do the very basic thing of confessing my sin to you - laying it all out. i am ugly full of so much self pity and self loathing ... so bent on hating everything new so bent to be sad why is there not a thankful bone in my body I hate that you have left me alone and i hate that i can not endure and i hate that I balk at even the smallest test. I hate that my problems are too small to even mention but i certainly dont want anything bigger either. I hate that I feel this way but I cant help it ... it is just here and I dont know how to shed it off ... and it just keeps bubbling up to the surface even when I try to focus on you. I hate that I cant even listen to worship music and that my throat so hurts that i cant even sing right now ... it seems that all of my go to places have been cut off. i cant really even eat the crap i want to eat because i am on this dumb diet that i am paying for ... you have blocked me in on all sides forcing me to what? i have no idea but everything in me says NO NO - I don't want this! I DONT WANT THIS!

what is wrong with me! Jesus i suck please come and rescue please. I want to praise you I want to love reading scripture even when you do not feel near. How do I do that - when you seem so absent ... but i know too that you ARE here - i just cant feel you - and i hate it. I hate it. I hate me when you are not here. I turn into this mess - this shitty mess. I dont even have tears to cry just all this angst. It is the red hot bones burning in me - crying out for You to come and be with me again. i need you I need you here with me I can not live without Your life pouring into me ... I am lost and desperate without you please release the Spirit on me again I cant bear this any longer.

I am trying to stay open ... i am trying to stay open ... please keep me open ... I need you to come.

I hate this

Damn ... I hate this. I let myself spiral into a bad place the last few days. I hate being depressed ... I HATE IT! It is the way I used to do things and damn it - I don't want to do it that way anymore!!!

Depression, as much as I can empathize with it in other people because I lived in it for so long ... is such a waste - a waste of thoughts on me - a waste of anger on me, a waste of time, energy and thought all directed at me and my perceived problems. YES - I hate life right now ... I really do! But it's for mostly stupid reasons and maybe only one good one - but even that - even that! is under a cloud of 'woe is me'!

The 'woe is me' comes from that continual question 'why?' ... why do I have to go through this, why is this happening to me, why does this hurt so much, why am I put aside, why does it hurt?????... and on and on and on... There are no real answers ... not answers that I like anyway ... nothing specific. I can not see into the future - that - is really what the big problem is, and because of that I have to wait on the Lord and of course! He is not saying anything ... so I end up spinning back to the 'why?' Because I have to try and figure it out on my own and wrap my tiny finite brain around it ... which also - of course, never works. Hence the frustration.

My life seems small ... we have moved away from everything and everyone we know ... new home - an apartment (which I do not love) for the time being, new climate, new state, new church, husbands new job, new people, new grocery store.... every damn thing is new. No change of seasons, no people who love me and know me, no one needs me... and now the Lord has asked me to homeschool - further isolating me...

Yes, newness is hard. So much change is hard. But there is also nothing - NOTHING - bad in my life. I have a husband who loves me, 3 great kids who enjoy homeschooling - even when I am having a crappy day, a great and growing church, a nice place to live, new things to explore, people to get to know, and no major problems (yet), - everything is fine... just fine... except for me. There is no natural inborn urge to be thankful for any of this. Instead my flesh balks and bursts out with depression and anger and obsessive self-centered thoughts. I really hate my flesh.

So then I eat things I shouldn't... even if its just a little, and I watch TV to escape, and now I am on my second stupid novel just to get a moment outside my own head.
Ahhh ... now the idols are back too. Great.

So now I am up in the middle of the night and dumping this all out, just so I can get back to sleep. I wish I could just tell my over-motivated-to-whine-brain... just to shut the hell up.

Just before bed tonight as I went into the bathroom ... I had a small inkling to read a devotional that I keep on the back of the toilet ... Jesus Calling.... as devotionals go - it's actually a good one. And as happened before it totally nailed where I am today ... not even sure that the date is October 14th - I felt I should open there... It was all about suffering under trials and instead of whining - being thankful. It was based on James 1 and Psalm 102 ... and since I recently got slammed with James 1 and wrote a post about that, I decided to go and read the psalm.


Psalm 102

A prayer of one overwhelmed with trouble, pouring out problems before the Lord.

1 Lord, hear my prayer!
    Listen to my plea!
2 Don’t turn away from me
    in my time of distress.
Bend down to listen,
    and answer me quickly when I call to you.
3 For my days disappear like smoke,
    and my bones burn like red-hot coals.
4 My heart is sick, withered like grass,
    and I have lost my appetite.
5 Because of my groaning,
    I am reduced to skin and bones.
6 I am like an owl in the desert,
    like a little owl in a far-off wilderness.
7 I lie awake,
    lonely as a solitary bird on the roof.
8 My enemies taunt me day after day.
    They mock and curse me.
9 I eat ashes for food.
    My tears run down into my drink
10 because of your anger and wrath.
    For you have picked me up and thrown me out.
11 My life passes as swiftly as the evening shadows.
    I am withering away like grass.

12 But you, O Lord, will sit on your throne forever.
    Your fame will endure to every generation.
13 You will arise and have mercy on Jerusalem—
    and now is the time to pity her,
    now is the time you promised to help.
14 For your people love every stone in her walls
    and cherish even the dust in her streets.
15 Then the nations will tremble before the Lord.
    The kings of the earth will tremble before his glory.
16 For the Lord will rebuild Jerusalem.
    He will appear in his glory.
17 He will listen to the prayers of the destitute.
    He will not reject their pleas.
18 Let this be recorded for future generations,
    so that a people not yet born will praise the Lord.
19 Tell them the Lord looked down
    from his heavenly sanctuary.
    He looked down to earth from heaven
20 to hear the groans of the prisoners,
    to release those condemned to die.
21 And so the Lord’s fame will be celebrated in Zion,
    his praises in Jerusalem,
22 when multitudes gather together
    and kingdoms come to worship the Lord.

23 He broke my strength in midlife,
    cutting short my days.
24 But I cried to him, “O my God, who lives forever,
    don’t take my life while I am so young!
25 Long ago you laid the foundation of the earth
    and made the heavens with your hands.
26 They will perish, but you remain forever;
    they will wear out like old clothing.
You will change them like a garment
    and discard them.
27 But you are always the same;
    you will live forever.
28 The children of your people
    will live in security.
Their children’s children
    will thrive in your presence.”

The first part really resonates with me ... except the wasting away and skin and bones part... I can only dream of being depressed with NO appetite... that would be way too much to ask. Withering, lonely, overwhelmed, depressed, feeling abandoned... the Lord gives me no answer as to why He has decided to leave me alone ... except that I am to praise Him anyway ... just because He is deserving.... And because trials are from Him... here to make me strong, and endure, and learn to trust Him and demonstrate my faith.
How do I engage in the Spirit when I can not feel Him... How do I let Him keep my faith strong and enduring in this ... when I am wondering where He is? No clue ... I have no clue. How do I cast off depression day in and day out?
Confess again, cry out again, stay open. Confess again, cry out again, stay open, confess again, cry out again, stay open, confess again, cry out again and again and again and again and again and again and STAY OPEN. This is what I have got - all I have got.

Man I just want to scream and cry and throw a fit like a 2 year old ... I hate this.

withering

Who knew silence would be so hard to deal with. I feel like I am withering.

 I used to love to be by myself, in quiet so that I could focus in, and wait on the Lord, listening for His voice. That is my most favorite thing in all the world - seriously. But this is nothing like that. This is hard and leaves me wondering in my small moments of doubt what I might have done wrong to be put aside for right now, shelved out of the way, unused. In my faithful moments, I know that is all crap and I haven't done anything wrong ... but it doesn't change the suckiness of the silence.

The truth is - I miss Jesus. I KNOW He is here... I KNOW He has not forsaken me ... I KNOW He is sovereignly holding me and putting cosmic pieces together, but I MISS Him! It's just like when my husband is gone for a week or more and life is just not the same, and closeness is just not possible, the phone just doesn't cut it, and you can't wait to be reunited. Except this has been for almost 3 months now. 3 months.

As the deer pants for the water,
 so my soul longs after You, oh God. Psalm 42:1

Oh God, You are my God,
I earnestly search for You.
My soul thirsts for You;
my whole body longs for You in this parched and weary land
where there is no water. Psalm 63:1

- I could just scream these verses right now from the top of my lungs!!!!



I was texting with a friend the other day and she quoted some Oswald Chambers to me on silence ...


'but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible— with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him— He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes.'

I wish I knew for sure that when I read this it was sent to me from the Lord. But I get no sense either way ... nothing is highlighted, I can't hear the Lord, and no Holy Spirit burning in my chest ... Can it be that God is trusting me to wait in faith to bring me into something even greater than I can imagine - a greater revelation? That would certainly be awesome. Does this really demonstrate His intimacy with me? It doesn't feel that way... but hey maybe it's like an old couple, perfectly content to be in the same room together without talking, but knowing full well what the other is thinking. I just simply do not know.

The one thing I do know - I have scripture. People keep saying this to me too, and I keep reading it in different places ... so even though my sense from the Lord is so dull - that message has come through. Keep pressing into the Word ...
... it may not feel the same as I read, but it is His very Word. And I can live on every word that proceeds from His mouth ... I CAN LIVE ON IT - like bread.


But they delight in the law of the Lord,
    meditating on it day and night.
They are like trees planted along the riverbank,
    bearing fruit each season.
Their leaves never wither,
    and they prosper in all they do. Psalm 1: 2-3

Jesus ... I do not want to wither. Hold me together, feed me Your Word. Grant me patience as I wait on You. Fill me with faith as I keep my eyes fixed on You and even when I turn away in my moments of doubt and indifference ... please keep me.