The quiet continues...
I began wondering this morning at church ... What if the Lord chose never to turn on my spiritual sense again? What if He never allowed me to clearly hear His voice or sense His presence again ... would I be able go on like this for the rest of my days?
ugg...
Nothing, NOTHING about that idea sounds good to me. BUT it is a good question....
I once heard a story about a woman - I think in Africa - who heard God speak so very clearly to her. It happened only one time - but it was so clear, so distinct, so obviously from God - that she began serving Him, pouring out, every day thereafter. But that one day was SO clear, SO distinct, SO of GOD that is spurred her on for ALL of her days... He never spoke to her again... just that once. But she served every day, as if she heard Him everyday.
I have been thinking about this... wishing I knew who she was - so I could read her story ... if she even has one. Can I serve God, worship Him, love Him with passion, zeal, throw everything in, give up whatever, worship with abandon - even if I never hear His voice again, never sense Him near?
I want to. I really do. I want to give Him crazy praise, I want to read His word and study, and learn and grow and draw near even if I can't feel Him. I want to tell others about Him and encourage them to do the same. Because, somewhere in me I am finally getting that this is not about me. This is about Jesus and what He deserves. If all He ever did for me was die on the cross, and rise up again, and pull me into that salvation ... then He deserves all my praise, all my devotion, all my love, and heart, and soul, and mind, and strength. He deserves it ALL!
Lord, since you have carried me this far ... can you please by the power of the Spirit carry me into praise - praise for all the wonderful things you have done for me ... set my heart on fire with delight in You. Strip my mind of myself and fix everything on Your wonders. May I see you more clearly in this time of quiet.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
STAY OPEN
I went into church ... and really the whole morning feeling quite down and overwhelmed, on the brink of tears. The moving and being away from everything familiar is really, really hard... and I think it is finally catching up with me. I have had my moments before this for sure, but now it feels like I have hit a wall. The not being known and not really knowing anyone, has become quite loud and painful. And I know the only thing to truly heal any of that is to wait on God to unfold my new life and purpose as it is meant to unfold - OVER TIME.
BUT this morning I wanted to curl up in bed and definitely not go to church. I did not want to face the sea of people I don't know.... and instead stay in my apartment with what little I DO know ... my kids, my furniture. That sounds silly but this feels like all I have besides my husband and he was already at church!
I got up and went anyway realizing that my furniture really is not that comforting (it's nice and all but...). And I had a vague sense that the Lord was saying stay open, STAY OPEN. Again it's all so dull and vague from the Lord right now. I remember watching an episode of Star Trek Next Generation when Counselor Troi lost her empathic ability ... and she described everyone as flat and lifeless. She had lost one of her senses and she felt lost, lonely, and afraid. I sort of feel the same ... I feel like I have lost one of my senses ... my spiritual sense, and now I am floundering around blind or deaf. It's awful. Especially now when life is already overwhelming.
Stay open! Don't curl up and hide ... run into it! Ugg ... are You kidding? ... then this verse came to mind...
Consider it all joy, when trials come. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. SO LET IT GROW, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1: 3-4
Fully developed
perfect
complete
needing nothing
These are all really good things! REALLY good things!
So breathe ... stay open ... let my broken heart flap out there in the wind ... and HE will show up and complete the work He has begun in me. Complete ... that sounds crazy good and worth the wait.
BUT this morning I wanted to curl up in bed and definitely not go to church. I did not want to face the sea of people I don't know.... and instead stay in my apartment with what little I DO know ... my kids, my furniture. That sounds silly but this feels like all I have besides my husband and he was already at church!
I got up and went anyway realizing that my furniture really is not that comforting (it's nice and all but...). And I had a vague sense that the Lord was saying stay open, STAY OPEN. Again it's all so dull and vague from the Lord right now. I remember watching an episode of Star Trek Next Generation when Counselor Troi lost her empathic ability ... and she described everyone as flat and lifeless. She had lost one of her senses and she felt lost, lonely, and afraid. I sort of feel the same ... I feel like I have lost one of my senses ... my spiritual sense, and now I am floundering around blind or deaf. It's awful. Especially now when life is already overwhelming.
Stay open! Don't curl up and hide ... run into it! Ugg ... are You kidding? ... then this verse came to mind...
Consider it all joy, when trials come. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. SO LET IT GROW, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1: 3-4
Fully developed
perfect
complete
needing nothing
These are all really good things! REALLY good things!
So breathe ... stay open ... let my broken heart flap out there in the wind ... and HE will show up and complete the work He has begun in me. Complete ... that sounds crazy good and worth the wait.
Monday, September 16, 2013
carried
I just read over my more recent posts and I realized just now, that God has been answering my prayers ... just not in the way I expected or to be frank how I wanted.
I had prayed for God to break my food addiction ... and through a weird set of circumstances found myself in the Medifast storefront here in my new home ... signing my life away for the next 16 months - 4 months to lose weight and a year to maintain - with a crazy price tag that my husband said yes to. I have to go in every week - visit with a nutritionist and get weighed and buy my food for the next week. I am still not sure how it all happened ... I had no intention of doing that - but then there it was - happening!
I have also been praying about what to do with my kids and their school ... they didn't get into the charter school I thought God was directing us to ... and since his direction away from the public school and to the charter school seemed so clear ... we just kept waiting. Until the day I went in and even though my son is 3rd on the waiting list ... and they said time and again, 'it will be fine they should get in,' they did NOT get in. WHAT? God I thought that was what you wanted?
Enter in a conversation with a friend who just began homeschooling this year... and she said God will show you what you are supposed to do... then a nudge from the Holy Spirit ... and I realized I had no room in there for the Spirit to move because I was so firmly a "NO" to homeschooling that is wasn't even an option. Then that week I got super sick - fever, chills, aches etc ... what this boils down to - I had time on my hands. I started reading blogs about homeschooling and finding myself in a PMS and illness induced tear fest - or was it? Either way, I found myself getting excited about it and later that night saying to my husband 'you'll never guess what I am thinking about doing?!' He never did guess - because it is so outrageous - because it's so totally crazy!
So after 2 weeks of breaking me down and sending people in to speak encouragement and to answer all of my insane questions - God won. I am homeschooling. Even with all of my objections ... all my hang-ups... Jesus knows I want to submit to Him, even if He is asking the craziest thing of me! After one conversation with a new friend ... I literally found myself in the parking lot at Walmart crying again. Crying over dying to more of myself, losing what I think of as freedom, time disappearing, all my weaknesses being tested daily. Homeschooling is now a new calling on my life. I NEVER thought I would say that - NEVER!
Curriculum has been chosen, the kids have been pulled from school and now we start something totally new. I am thoroughly frightened. BUT I am also excited to see what God does!
In both of these - decisions? - shall we call them... I felt carried. The Lord remains quiet. I can not hear Him, I can not feel him, His Word is flat, I have no sense of Him ... nothing SPECIFIC or pointed like how I normally hear Him. I can see His movements out there, but it's vague, and I can see God's hand in others - in friends - easier than myself. I can hear His words to me from others ... but it's distant and dull. It is like being in a game show where they make you stand in that plexiglass sound proof room so you can't hear your opponent's answers. You can see a little but it doesn't make sense. I know God is there but He has me isolated for some reason. I am not sure why.
One friend suggested that it was to hone my other senses. This could be true... I can see that I am recognizing God's hand - His sovereignty carrying me through each of the above life altering decisions. And I can see how my faith has changed. Before God began this new work in me ... and probably even during ... I would have cried, shaken my fist, screamed and sworn at Him like a child in a temper tantrum just because I thought I was alone. BUT now I KNOW I am not alone. I feel His care for me in the things I can see He is orchestrating. I know that when I draw near to Him - even though I can not feel Him or hear Him ... He draws near to me.... my faith HAS changed.
Another friend said that the quiet was perhaps for this ... that WHEN He speaks ... for whatever reason it may be! ... you will KNOW exactly what He wants from you. The quiet is meant to highlight whatever is coming.
That rang true to my prophetic ears. Because my big questions are still unanswered .... what is this whole journey to joy about ... what is the block? - still do not know! What is my purpose here in our new home, our new church ... I still do not know! But I do know that God is taking care of me ... killing off my food addiction, setting me AND my kids apart for something new, answering prayers ... all the quiet is just Him getting us ready for something - something that is coming. The quiet has a purpose.
Being carried is not always a bad thing ... especially when you get to see your prayers answered! And you know God is going to tell you something big just up ahead.
I had prayed for God to break my food addiction ... and through a weird set of circumstances found myself in the Medifast storefront here in my new home ... signing my life away for the next 16 months - 4 months to lose weight and a year to maintain - with a crazy price tag that my husband said yes to. I have to go in every week - visit with a nutritionist and get weighed and buy my food for the next week. I am still not sure how it all happened ... I had no intention of doing that - but then there it was - happening!
I have also been praying about what to do with my kids and their school ... they didn't get into the charter school I thought God was directing us to ... and since his direction away from the public school and to the charter school seemed so clear ... we just kept waiting. Until the day I went in and even though my son is 3rd on the waiting list ... and they said time and again, 'it will be fine they should get in,' they did NOT get in. WHAT? God I thought that was what you wanted?
Enter in a conversation with a friend who just began homeschooling this year... and she said God will show you what you are supposed to do... then a nudge from the Holy Spirit ... and I realized I had no room in there for the Spirit to move because I was so firmly a "NO" to homeschooling that is wasn't even an option. Then that week I got super sick - fever, chills, aches etc ... what this boils down to - I had time on my hands. I started reading blogs about homeschooling and finding myself in a PMS and illness induced tear fest - or was it? Either way, I found myself getting excited about it and later that night saying to my husband 'you'll never guess what I am thinking about doing?!' He never did guess - because it is so outrageous - because it's so totally crazy!
So after 2 weeks of breaking me down and sending people in to speak encouragement and to answer all of my insane questions - God won. I am homeschooling. Even with all of my objections ... all my hang-ups... Jesus knows I want to submit to Him, even if He is asking the craziest thing of me! After one conversation with a new friend ... I literally found myself in the parking lot at Walmart crying again. Crying over dying to more of myself, losing what I think of as freedom, time disappearing, all my weaknesses being tested daily. Homeschooling is now a new calling on my life. I NEVER thought I would say that - NEVER!
Curriculum has been chosen, the kids have been pulled from school and now we start something totally new. I am thoroughly frightened. BUT I am also excited to see what God does!
In both of these - decisions? - shall we call them... I felt carried. The Lord remains quiet. I can not hear Him, I can not feel him, His Word is flat, I have no sense of Him ... nothing SPECIFIC or pointed like how I normally hear Him. I can see His movements out there, but it's vague, and I can see God's hand in others - in friends - easier than myself. I can hear His words to me from others ... but it's distant and dull. It is like being in a game show where they make you stand in that plexiglass sound proof room so you can't hear your opponent's answers. You can see a little but it doesn't make sense. I know God is there but He has me isolated for some reason. I am not sure why.
One friend suggested that it was to hone my other senses. This could be true... I can see that I am recognizing God's hand - His sovereignty carrying me through each of the above life altering decisions. And I can see how my faith has changed. Before God began this new work in me ... and probably even during ... I would have cried, shaken my fist, screamed and sworn at Him like a child in a temper tantrum just because I thought I was alone. BUT now I KNOW I am not alone. I feel His care for me in the things I can see He is orchestrating. I know that when I draw near to Him - even though I can not feel Him or hear Him ... He draws near to me.... my faith HAS changed.
Another friend said that the quiet was perhaps for this ... that WHEN He speaks ... for whatever reason it may be! ... you will KNOW exactly what He wants from you. The quiet is meant to highlight whatever is coming.
That rang true to my prophetic ears. Because my big questions are still unanswered .... what is this whole journey to joy about ... what is the block? - still do not know! What is my purpose here in our new home, our new church ... I still do not know! But I do know that God is taking care of me ... killing off my food addiction, setting me AND my kids apart for something new, answering prayers ... all the quiet is just Him getting us ready for something - something that is coming. The quiet has a purpose.
Being carried is not always a bad thing ... especially when you get to see your prayers answered! And you know God is going to tell you something big just up ahead.
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