submission

Ahh ... the praying has begun.

Lord all week I have been avoiding you. Partly afraid that when I got here ... You would not show. And partly, my flesh just really didn't want to. My flesh would much rather eat chocolate, and ice cream, watch TV and play games on my phone much more than come and fully submit.

That's the real problem right, Lord? I just can't fully give up control of food to you. I know you have wanted me to come - Isaiah 65: 1-5 ... You have been ready for me ... I have not been ready for you. I am trying to have one last wallow in my filth before I let you clean me.


The Lord says,

“I was ready to respond, but no one asked for help.
    I was ready to be found, but no one was looking for me.
I said, ‘Here I am, here I am!’
    to a nation that did not call on my name.
All day long I opened my arms to a rebellious people.
    But they follow their own evil paths
    and their own crooked schemes.
All day long they insult me to my face
    by worshiping idols in their sacred gardens.
    They burn incense on pagan altars.
At night they go out among the graves,
    worshiping the dead.
They eat the flesh of pigs
    and make stews with other forbidden foods.
Yet they say to each other,
    ‘Don’t come too close or you will defile me!
    I am holier than you!’
These people are a stench in my nostrils,
    an acrid smell that never goes away.

 This passage in Isaiah seems a bit hard to me ... but then not ... It is just my flesh balking - wanting an easy way out. It's my pride hurting because it wants to be right, but really what You are asking, Lord - is for total death. And I keep trying to cling to a little of my own way. Andrew Murray helps once again - reminding me that I must let go of ALL ... if I am going to have more of you - more presence - more life - true joy.

Children of God, we must go down deeper into the grave of Jesus. We must cultivate the sense of impotence, and dependence, and nothingness, until our souls walk before God every day in a deep and holy trembling. God keep us from being anything. God teach us to wait on Him, that He may work in us all He wrought in His Son, till Christ Jesus may live out His life in us! For this may God help us!

Christ had a perfect life, given by God. The Father said: “Will you give up that life to me? Will you part with it at my command?” And He parted with it, but God gave it back to Him in a second life ten thousand times more glorious than that earthly life. So God will do to every one of us who willingly consents to part with his life.  - Andrew Murray - The Master's Indwelling


My Spirit ... the new heart - new creature in me WANTS this. But my flesh says - NOOOOO! I don't want to submit that much - I don't want to be that humbled - that thumbed down - that run . But the thing is there is no other way. Death must come - a total death.

Jesus I submit ... I don not want what my flesh wants anymore. I want You to come flooding in and take over - put me in the grave - empty me out, crush my evil desires, kill my flesh, put down my rebellion, suck away my pride. Remind me again just how small I am - and how much I need you to come in and do the things I can only dream of.

Lord, I know this idol of food is in the way. It is blocking your work in me. I have nothing to offer in this - even now I am starving and want to run to the fridge for lunch. You HAVE to come - YOU have to do something new in me! I don't like my wishy-washy back and forth divided mind anymore. Give me wisdom - give me insight, help me remember to pray before I eat every single time, help me submit to Your desires, help me to be grateful when you tell me what You allow. I CAN NOT do this ... YOU MUST. Free me from any opposing desire. Fill me with new desires - to be obedient, and thankful, and free.

Lord I confess now of my unbelief in your care, my unbelief in your desire to save me from this sin, my unbelief that victory is possible, that the victory that you have laid out can even be desirable to me. Lord, I confess my flat out disobedience in the last months, my overwhelming need to satisfy my flesh, letting my eyes lust after food, for satisfying the god of my stomach over You. Lord if the enemy has a foothold in this area - I cast him out in the name of Jesus ... free me to love and serve You and You alone in this area of my life. Lord, Jesus will you send the Holy Spirit to come and fill me up, to fill me with a new love for obedience, and a desire to honor you with every bite I take. Fill me with a hunger and thirst for You - a longing to be with you at your feet - serving You as You see fit.

quiet

The Lord has been very quiet. I can not hear His voice. I cannot feel His presence.

Yet I can see Him sustaining me.
I am not filled with fear, or anxiety. I am not worrying over the crappy school my kids have to attend, or when the school I want them in, will be open. Or the many dinners and new people I have to meet. Or even all the new of finding doctors, new routine, or making friends. I feel like I am flowing in a stream and just going with it. It is a lot of change and normally I would be a mess of depression, but His hand is on me.

This past Monday marked a new era for me ... my kids are all in school ... my youngest is in kindergarten. So my days are free ... and since there is so much that is new, and soon we will be looking for a new house and have to move again - we decided that whatever work I am to do in the future will wait until we are more settled. BUT that leaves my days very free.

I feel like I want to use this time wisely and spend a lot of time in quiet. Spend it in prayer and listening.  I don't know what the Lord has in store for me ... but I keep getting reminders from good friends who ARE hearing from the Lord that He has me ... and good things are coming!

Niagara River

I had a dream the other morning ... while I was praying - because many mornings lately when I wake to pray I fall back to sleep and wake up, and fall asleep again ... Its a whole thing - anyway ...

My dream was of me racing down the Niagara River heading toward the Niagara Falls ... I had fallen in and couldn't get out and now I am about to go over! The fear was so big - so scary I woke up startled to remember my dream.

And I realized as I reflected on my dream that the only way I was going to get out of that crazy current was to be rescued. I need to be RESCUED. Plucked out of the water by some massive hand and put back on land - nothing else would do. When you are heading for the Falls - what else could save you?

This was such a picture of temptation for me ... me and food - my ultimate temptation (right now - but it also has been a life long struggle). I am heading for the falls each day in a rush of current and waves and the only thing that can save me is the hand of God plucking me out of my mess and setting me on a new path.

Food is such an idol in my life. I don't want it to be, but it is still here. There are days I wish I could just stop eating and walk away from food altogether ... but that is not possible unless I want a whole new set of issues.

So I plead and confess my sin again asking for rescue. Jesus there is nothing else that will do! Please come and save me from myself! I don't know what else to pray anymore - I need YOU! I know this is in the way! I know I am supposed to pray and seek you before I eat anything and I just can't remember - no matter how many times I start over - I still have to start again! When will there be change? Jesus this is an idol I just don't want, but it feels like a rock chained to my neck - please help! Please show up!

Restless legs

I have been praying about what my restless leg syndrome means. Like I have mentioned before from reading Andrew Murray's Divine Healing ... everything the Lord gives us - or allows to come into our life is for a purpose. So the restless legs that lead to nights of insomnia on bad nights, and crazy flying all over with the covers on the better nights ... has to be for something - just what is it Lord?

As I was praying about it recently and getting up at night to try and walk out a bit of the leg crazies ... the Lord tied together my restless legs with a dream a friend had about me. Here is the gist of her dream:

You had just come back from a prophecy conference or something like that and you were so excited - glowing and beautiful. And you were especially excited about this new way of praying that you had learned. You wanted to show me, so you laid down on the floor and twisted your legs into a crazy but beautiful position. And it was clear that the strength in prayer came from your legs and this crazy beautiful position could not be achieved by human means.

I have no idea what the fullness of this all means but God specifically brought this to mind and said this dream and my restless legs go together somehow.

So I have been praying into that even more - wondering how it fits. Then one night earlier this week as I was struggling to remain asleep during a bought with my restless legs - I half awoke and recognized the time ... 1 am-ish again. I recognized this is around the time I have been waking regularly and I wondered if that time was important... I still don't know... but I wonder if something is happening somewhere around the world at that time that needs prayer... BUT God DID tell me that time in the middle of the night is training me for something. I definitely heard that I am being trained. Hmmm but for what exactly? Still don't know.

Then last night I woke up again at 1 am-ish and this time I just started praying ... asking God what I am praying for? - what does all this mean? WELL, then I had some crazy dreams about being a rescuer and heard the phrase 'setting captives free'... and heard the word/phrase P.O.W. In one part of the dream that I can remember I was leading a rescue in broad daylight on a children's brothel in some asian country ... dressed in a geisha-like robe and I could tell I was full of the Spirit and unafraid of anyone getting in my way because they were too afraid of the Lord. Sooo crazy stuff - right?

When I awoke this morning, I remembered this verse that I read from Isaiah the night before and found it in 61: 1-3


The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
    for the Lord has anointed me
    to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
    and to proclaim that captives will be released
    and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn
    that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
    and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
To all who mourn in Zion,
    he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
    that the Lord has planted for his own glory.



Still praying ... we will see what happens tonight.