the usuals

It's amazing that as soon as you start doing something new how all your insecurities start flying around. PMS does not help this issue at all ... and it feels like a doozy this month. The tape in my head sounds like this...

You're not pretty enough!
You're too fat!
None of your clothes fit!
What are you going to say?
Why would anyone want to know you?
Why would anyone care what you say?
How am I going to do this?
What's this going to be like? and do I want it?
This is too hard!
Why am I not loving enough?
I wish my flesh was nicer!
I want to eat everything in sight!
Food is comfort!

on and on and on and on and on ....

I wish I could say I rebuked the enemy right away "Get Thee Behind Me, Satan!" But too much of me thinks I DESERVE to hear those things! Yup in my flesh - I AM NOTHING!

But in JESUS - HE IS EVERYTHING! And I am in HIM - and He is in ME ...

He is beautiful ... I am beautiful.
The Spirit will teach me everything I need to say in the moment that I need it.
People need to know Jesus ... and He speaks through me ... I am His eyes, ears, hands, and feet ... If I don't tell them - who will?
Fear is from the enemy ... Jesus doesn't give me a Spirit of fear, but of power, love and self discipline,
and when we fear we are not being perfected in God's love...
My flesh doesn't need to be nice ... because I should be letting the Spirit flow through me ... He is ALWAYS loving.... so I can be loving too.
And food is just one of many blessings from the Lord ... Jesus is comfort and life.

Why does it always take so long to come to my senses! Newness is hard ... new people, new place, new church, new everything ... but It can be exciting too if I would just let Jesus in and through me! He will show me how to love, and be soft, and friendly, and feel as I should ... I should feel loved, and free, and full ... that is His offering - Jesus I want to trade in my crap for all of that good stuff.

Forgive me for being blind - again. For believing all the lies of the enemy - again. Keep my eyes on Jesus ... Keep my mind at peace with you ... let your love flow out of me. Let the usuals be nothing ... come and be everything.