It seems like it is expected to do a 'reflecting on 2012 and expecting in 2013' post. And though I don't typically like to follow rules - that one seems good and right.
I have a lot to be thankful for in the last year - God has done a lot and used me a lot and it was wonderful to be a part of. I saw so much transformation - so many hearts moving closer to Jesus. I heard very words of my prayers for my church and others - words that God had given me to pray - answered in words, sermons, or conversations from others. It was awesome to watch - awesome to hear!
But it seems after the prayer retreat last month that what was my current mission at the time has now come to an end. In fact it seemed like such an abrupt ending that now I feel like I am floundering. In one recent post I reflected on Psalm 81 ... and the Lord told me He would be letting me rest and removing the sword from my hand. It sounds a bit crazy but I have had pain in my shoulder for years now - a knot that would not be unknotted. At times moving my neck at all brought pain ... and now... it feels so much better - like an actual weight has been taken out of my hand. So the burden to pray for my church in the way that I have been, seems to be lifted. God has given me rest from it and is shifting the burden to others now. This is good - not because I don't want to be used but because He needs more people to keep the work moving forward and is expanding His vision to them! I could see for a while now - since the summer - that my vision for this period of time was to end in January ... it was like my spiritual minds eye - just could not see past January... and now I understand more of why that is. He has moved that burden off of me and on to others - to continue on the work.
Honestly, now I do not know what to do with my self. He has removed that vision - and not replaced it yet. And perhaps He won't for a while. But I am still stuck wondering how to spend my time and my prayers. It is hard to explain but as soon as the burden was removed to pray - so was the need inside me. Before, it was imperative - I could not help but pray - it ached to come out. Now I feel almost blank. There is no burn to get things said in prayer ... except for my self.
On the prayer retreat I felt a call to study Hebrews. I have read it a few times over since then and I do hear a call out to me in many verses and in general to understand Jesus as our High Priest. I do not know at all why or what God wants to do in me yet - all I know is that I am meant to dig in. And yet nothing feels like more of a struggle than doing just that.
Last night I just cried out to God. I woke up in pain - restless leg syndrome and my feet hurt - plantar fasciitis. I did not know feet could hurt that much but mine do. And I yelled out to God wondering why I have to be in some sort of regular pain - I am not that old for goodness sake! Is there a reason for it? Does this pain have a mission tied to it like my shoulder? Or is this an attack of satan, or is this some sort of discipline from the Lord that I need to look into. Or is it just pain. I do not know but I asked God to heal me. I have been trying to get my act together again regarding food and exercise - I have been trying to walk on the treadmill and reduce my calories. But I have not spent much time in prayer over it - like I know I am supposed to. And honestly, I generally feel like crap - foggy head, weak tired body, feeling fat and slow, a head cold and then of course the pain - so prayer has not been easy to do - nothing has been easy to do. Nothing about the last few weeks has been easy or particularly productive.
I did not mean for this to turn into a time of complaint ... and when I cried to the Lord last night I did not mean for that to be a complaint either but as I let the tears come - that is what came out with them! I am still longing to see God do miraculous work in my life - in anyone's life! I want to see a miracle! I feel like the mission that He took me off of - though done for me - is not a done work! I never got to see full restoration - I never got to see full revival ... and those are things I feel like the Lord laid on my heart to pray for. And not only did I want then for my church - but for me! I wanted to be healed of my food addiction - yet it is still here with me - and not from lack of prayer and effort in the last year! I wanted to see the Holy Spirit come in ridiculous jaw dropping power and yet - He did not. I saw much that was good - even great but not ALL that God laid on my heart to pray. I want full freedom! And this all seems more like a half way mark.
So what am I to think? What am I to do? What am I to pray? ... the only answer I have so far is - dig into Hebrews. And so with determination I will.
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