jacob

A friend emailed me to pray. Her husband is in pain. I hardly knew what to say. I am in pain too - and I am wondering why we have to be in so much pain. What is it for?

I was reading an article online on N.P.R. It is about all the young people today - those under 30 claiming 'none' for their religious affiliation on forms etc. I guess the number has risen drastically. Honestly, it doesn't surprise me - it makes me sad - just not surprised. People move away from the Lord because He is hard to know and understand when all they see is pain and suffering in life - and are told that all the things that make us feel better are really just wrong or bad - and not what God wants for us. I really get that. Because I do the same. exact. thing.

When God is hard to know, hear, or reach - I run to all my idols too. I want to throw away everything and just eat and sit in front of the TV all day and pretend that nothing really matters but how I feel right now.  Life is hard ... even though on the outside my life looks good - maybe even easy to some - yet I rarely feel good, encouraged, happy, or full. And I really hate that about me.

I am sick of my own spiritual form of whining. It's funny that I feel like I whine here in print way more that I whine in person - I almost never whine - I hate it. I am tired of my wavering faith set in my circumstances rather than in the character of God. If He never changes - then I really should have more faith to rest in the truth of His love. Instead I feel pain, I see pain, I wake up tired, I stub my toe, and I am back at the beginning wondering where God is again - again!

I want this elusive rest ... I can't strive to get it though. Hebrews talks of unbelief keeping us from our rest. Well than I am swimming in unbelief regularly.

I realized this morning as I praying that I am a lot like Jacob. I wrestle. I wrestle with God trying to get Him to bless me. Just bless me! Take away my pain! Make me feel better! Take away the fog in my brain! Free me from my addiction! Make life easy! Be present! Be obvious! Be clear!

Jacob at least got to touch God and see His face in the early morning light. But did God bless him? It seems to me God had already blessed him. He had a bunch of wives, tons of kids, a zillion animals - he was rich ... God had blessed him even though he was a big pain in the butt. But obviously Jacob wanted more. Just like I always want more! He wanted peace - He wanted rest... and He didn't feel like he had those things. Laban was just chasing him on one side - and he settles that only to see Esau coming at him and wondering if he was going to kill his entire family. It is pain on all sides ... no rest in sight - at least that is what Jacob sees.

Jacob can not know that as Esau is coming with his army - he is coming to greet him and welcome him home. Jacob is too busy clinging to his fear - not to the Lord. He is focused on his sins of the past and not all the blessings that God has already provided. The lack of thankfulness has clouded Jacob. His mind is darkened and confused. Fear is reigning in him. He sees only bad when God has brought everything together to bring peace. Jacob doesn't see the big picture - he is trapped in the moment.

That is me - trapped in the moment. Trapped in the moment wanting what I want now. Not clinging to God's bigger picture. I have no sense of the big story when I am focused on the food in front of me - or the pain that is troubling me. All I see is now.  When will I stop wrestling and finally see what God is already doing all around me - when will that be a consistent part of me - that steadfast faith in God's character and love? I need a bigger vision - a vision of Jesus - High and Lifted Up - WAY bigger than me - that has to be my fixed point - it has to be what I reference all of life from. Me and my wants are still so central.

Use my pain, Lord - use everything to teach me how to see You. May I rest in You and nothing else.