I just read through my last post because I haven't written in awhile. It was really helpful - it sounds more like the Lord wrote it than I did ... because I have not been living in that place for quite some time now.
I have been at war in my mind. It is exhausting to continually having thoughts that contradict one another. Often they are about food, just as often they are thoughts about me and my sin verses the new creature in Christ.
I want to eat that, but I shouldn't - I should eat this instead.
I just yelled at my kids again - I really don't want to be that anymore!
I hate this new place, but then the next second trying to be thankful.
OOOh I love chocolate, but I am going to eat this diet bar instead.
I want to lose weight, but I am starving.
I want to love on my kids, but right now I don't want to be any where near them - they are driving me nuts.
I just want to chill in front of the TV, but I should be reading my Bible and pursuing Jesus.
Jesus says we can boldly approach the throne, but when we show up and ask for help He makes us wait.
He says the fruit of the Spirit is ours, but when I pray to for Him to make it evident in me - nothing.
Again back to the food - should I have salad or grilled cheese, I know what I want - I know what I SHOULD have.
I hate homeschooling, but I KNOW it is what God has called me to.
I see the benefits of homeschooling, yet I want my freedom to pursue my own desires.
What I desire in my flesh is so very contrary to God's word.
I hate my flesh... when will Jesus come and rescue me from it.
These are just some of hundreds of these conversations that happen in my head every day. EVERY DAY. ALL DAY LONG.
My mind is at war - all. day. long.
So the last few days I took some time off. I went on a much needed Christmas shopping trip on Friday - when I was supposed to be hanging out with my family. Again more war all day long "... maybe I should meet up with them ... I can do this later ... but I need some time off ... I like being by myself ... it's so quiet ... at least I am doing this for them... are they missing me though?" I DID get a lot of shopping done, and by the end of my day my mind was more quiet. So that night I couldn't sleep and watched Netflix/ TV til 3 in the morning - my mind was so quiet - It was sooo very nice. So the next day to continue the quiet I watched Netflix/TV all day. My mind was QUIET.
I have finally realized why TV is such an escape for me - it quiets the war. It shuts off the flow of should verses want - flesh verses Spirit.
I just listened to our lead pastor share a sermon on joy. I know joy is not about circumstances ... that little bit God has indeed taught me... got that part. Joy has to be focused in on Jesus - His worship - His salvation - His desires. He said that we can be joyful and stand on what God has already done for us - salvation - the eternal good things God has already granted to us. YES - I agree. YET my soul feels dead in the silence of the grave. So my question during the sermon was what to do while you are waiting for God to answer your prayer in the midst of the war - how can I wait, faithfully? When I am incapable of keeping my eyes on Jesus - and ask Him to help - to come and do the fixing for me... how do I wait faithfully in my flesh - when the Spirit isn't showing up?
Because I KNOW the answers ... I have lived them in the last few years - I KNOW where real joy lives!! It is in the heart of our amazing Jesus ... He knows how we must live, how we must worship, and what real love is!!! I KNOW it. Circumstances are just tools for the Lord to use to shape us as tools for the gospel - for displaying His image, giving Him glory.
I know this present time of His silence - taking me to the grave is for a PURPOSE. I have no doubt. I don't fully understand that purpose, but I am certain it involves purging sin. And I KNOW that God is good in the midst of it all - truly I do not doubt that.
What I don't get? Is why when I pray for the fruit of the Spirit to show up in my life - they simply are not present. Why God says we can boldly approach His throne and ask for what we need - He doesn't give what we ask for ... I am not asking for cars and money - or even answers ... I am asking for fruit in my life. I want to love my kids and husband, I want sin obliterated, I want peace in my mind. These are all things that ARE His will. These line up with His desires for me.
Andrew Murray says that when I pray - the answer is made immediately... but sometimes we have to wait to SEE the answer. So I can only imagine that I am in that time of waiting. OK. So how do I wait faithfully? How do I crush my doubts when it feels as if the Spirit does not show up when I need Him? How do I quiet the war without the use of TV? It seems once again that - That is precisely why I need the Spirit - only He can do that work. My flesh fights, and my new self NEEDS the power of the Spirit to enliven it to overcome my flesh. I know the Spirit dwells in me but why does it feel as though He doesn't show up when I need Him, pray for Him, beg for Him to come?
What is the purpose of the war within me? It must have purpose - or He wouldn't allow for it.
Why doesn't He show up when I ask?
What is the waiting for?
And how do I keep submitting to it? When I feel constantly beat up.
In the end Jesus - I know YOU know. You have the words of eternal life. You are trustworthy.
But you need to know I am tired and I want to give up. I want to be happy. BUT mostly I want to be happy in you.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
bare bones
Total weakness... waiting... God's silence... struggle with self... struggle against old sin... He is bringing me down to bare bones.
What is the grave but a place where bare bones lie in the ground.
I have been lumbering around in my monster state - wondering why God makes us wait so long for rescue. At first, it is hard to overcome the unbelief that perhaps He will never come... and the fear that comes with that. That He doesn't really love us, and He is not really good. When we believe this lie, we can get stuck for a really LONG time. I lived there for many years.
Then when you finally get that He IS good, and does what He says ... it still takes time!! At least your faith is intact, but you now have to wade through all your own crap to get to the rescue! This can seemingly take forever! Because the time that it takes is really about how long it takes my stubborn, thickheaded, downright dumb self - to actually get the message. Because the rescue is not really about being released from our unpleasant circumstances in this moment but about being rescued from the sin that has us all tangled up and mired down in our own shit. We are so stuck in self that we don't even see how stuck we are. Sometimes we DON'T want to see it either - and then it takes even more time.
The time is necessary - because we need to see our need. We need to see our sin clearly. And if we don't - we will never get over the sin that is in the way.
So now I have been in the silence of the grave for 3 and 1/2 months. It has been long - so long - and I knew I had things to learn and I have wanted so desperately to submit to the lessons. First, so that I do not have to repeat them, and second, so that I can be done with these annoying dishonoring sins that I hate so much. I hate them, but yet my flesh LOVES them so well. My flesh wants so desperately to hang onto them!!! This tug of war is exhausting! It's Romans 7 all over the place!
Submitting is so hard because it takes owning and accepting our weakness. These things that are in me - may never go away, I may have to continue a battle with them until the day I die and that thought exhausts me even more.
BUT the promises of Jesus are so much bigger than my sin.!!!
There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...
We are under no obligation any longer to our flesh...
It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me...
I am a new creature in Christ - the old has gone the new has come...
So how do I submit? I have said 'yes' to the grave - asked to be stripped, prayed to be free of these sins, I am submitting most days to the process whether I like it or not. I have confessed, and studied ...What am I missing?
What IS left but to swim wholeheartedly in my weakness and really feel it - really revel in my need.... and finally break my will to keep finding a way on my own. Murray says this in Abide In Christ:
The Christian often tries to forget his weakness: God wants us to remember it, to feel it deeply. The Christian wants to conquer his weakness and to be freed from it: God wants us to rest and even rejoice in it. The Christian mourns over his weakness: Christ teaches His servant to say, "I take pleasure in infirmities; most gladly will I glory in my infirmities." The Christian thinks his weakness his greatest hindrance in the life and service of God: God tells us that it is the secret of strength and success. It is our weakness, heartily accepted and continually realized, that gives us our claim and access to the strength of Him who has said, "My strength is made perfect in weakness."
A friend posted this quote yesterday ... a reminder from the Lord - right on time - right when I needed it. I keep getting these little prods from the Lord to stay on track - it's His way of saying 'See - I am still here!'
I SO want to be free, to be happy - joyful in Jesus. I totally want to stop being annoyed with my kids, and small troubles around me constantly ... I want to finally be focused on the ONE that matters. There is so much of my SELF that needs to be shut down. Jesus - please come and work - kill my flesh - strip me down to the bones. Help me revel in my weakness ...
I'll take the grave for now - if it means I get the joy of resurrection later.
What is the grave but a place where bare bones lie in the ground.
I have been lumbering around in my monster state - wondering why God makes us wait so long for rescue. At first, it is hard to overcome the unbelief that perhaps He will never come... and the fear that comes with that. That He doesn't really love us, and He is not really good. When we believe this lie, we can get stuck for a really LONG time. I lived there for many years.
Then when you finally get that He IS good, and does what He says ... it still takes time!! At least your faith is intact, but you now have to wade through all your own crap to get to the rescue! This can seemingly take forever! Because the time that it takes is really about how long it takes my stubborn, thickheaded, downright dumb self - to actually get the message. Because the rescue is not really about being released from our unpleasant circumstances in this moment but about being rescued from the sin that has us all tangled up and mired down in our own shit. We are so stuck in self that we don't even see how stuck we are. Sometimes we DON'T want to see it either - and then it takes even more time.
The time is necessary - because we need to see our need. We need to see our sin clearly. And if we don't - we will never get over the sin that is in the way.
So now I have been in the silence of the grave for 3 and 1/2 months. It has been long - so long - and I knew I had things to learn and I have wanted so desperately to submit to the lessons. First, so that I do not have to repeat them, and second, so that I can be done with these annoying dishonoring sins that I hate so much. I hate them, but yet my flesh LOVES them so well. My flesh wants so desperately to hang onto them!!! This tug of war is exhausting! It's Romans 7 all over the place!
Submitting is so hard because it takes owning and accepting our weakness. These things that are in me - may never go away, I may have to continue a battle with them until the day I die and that thought exhausts me even more.
BUT the promises of Jesus are so much bigger than my sin.!!!
There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...
We are under no obligation any longer to our flesh...
It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me...
I am a new creature in Christ - the old has gone the new has come...
So how do I submit? I have said 'yes' to the grave - asked to be stripped, prayed to be free of these sins, I am submitting most days to the process whether I like it or not. I have confessed, and studied ...What am I missing?
What IS left but to swim wholeheartedly in my weakness and really feel it - really revel in my need.... and finally break my will to keep finding a way on my own. Murray says this in Abide In Christ:
The Christian often tries to forget his weakness: God wants us to remember it, to feel it deeply. The Christian wants to conquer his weakness and to be freed from it: God wants us to rest and even rejoice in it. The Christian mourns over his weakness: Christ teaches His servant to say, "I take pleasure in infirmities; most gladly will I glory in my infirmities." The Christian thinks his weakness his greatest hindrance in the life and service of God: God tells us that it is the secret of strength and success. It is our weakness, heartily accepted and continually realized, that gives us our claim and access to the strength of Him who has said, "My strength is made perfect in weakness."
A friend posted this quote yesterday ... a reminder from the Lord - right on time - right when I needed it. I keep getting these little prods from the Lord to stay on track - it's His way of saying 'See - I am still here!'
I SO want to be free, to be happy - joyful in Jesus. I totally want to stop being annoyed with my kids, and small troubles around me constantly ... I want to finally be focused on the ONE that matters. There is so much of my SELF that needs to be shut down. Jesus - please come and work - kill my flesh - strip me down to the bones. Help me revel in my weakness ...
I'll take the grave for now - if it means I get the joy of resurrection later.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
monster
Oh my gosh, I am horrible.
Homeschooling is revealing a monster inside. The first month went well and I could honestly say I felt that God had granted me patience ... perhaps He did that so that I wouldn't quit right out of the gate. This second month has been horror. And I can see many old evils coming out to be seen and heard - especially heard!!!
Last week it had gotten so bad that without talking I got my kids in the car - drove them to a park - and said 'leave me alone and go play'. For 2 hours they ran around and I sat in the car just calming down reading scripture. It seriously felt like I was Saul, and the scripture was slowly settling down the demon inside, as if it were David's harp playing. Reading scripture did not reveal anything to me... and I still haven't heard from the Lord... I just stopped seething.
Today while my daughter prayed to start the day she said this, 'God can you please help Mommy not to yell today.' And then later, 'I guess God didn't answer our prayer today.' Yup - I AM horrible.
It's not only that action but the underlying thoughts that are rolling around in my head. During Math today I wanted to strangle my daughter because she couldn't get a very easy concept. I am talking Homer strangling Bart Simpson kind of strangling here. All I kept thinking is how stupid she is. That is in and of itself is really awful for a mother to think of her daughter. But why do I think that?
When I was a kid school came very easily to me. I didn't struggle, I rarely studied... It was always just there and I found most of it interesting and simple. I also never went out of my way to challenge myself either, I did what was required and did it well. I liked that it was simple. So I know a part of me is angry that they did not inherit this trait from me... as if they can do anything about it. They think differently - more like their father - and that difference is just what it is - different. Except I can't get past it. I just end up thinking they are stupid and get angry and think if I just yell the information will finally get jammed in there somehow. Clearly, this is not working. Clearly, this is damaging.
This gets me thinking ... I need to pray more - get more focused on the Lord ... all the good answers. Because I know that only Jesus can fix me. There is nothing else that will heal all this junk in me - or even help me figure out what all the junk is - except for Jesus. He died for this very reason because I am just to horrible to fix myself. So I will pray and confess and ask for healing, and apologize to my kids and explain what I am going through ... minus the calling them 'stupid' in my mind part ... because that is just hurtful. BUT I feel like I have done that a million times ... and here I am still struggling with the same crap ... anger still bubbles up and grabs hold of my heart and still comes flying out of my mouth. So what am I to do?
I wonder if the waiting for the rescue is a really important step. Because rarely does God give us what we need right then and there when we ask. The fruit of the Spirit is supposed to be ours if we are walking in the Spirit ... right there available to be plucked. Yet I feel like I am snatching at it like a donkey being led around by a carrot on a string. I am jumping and trying to get that thing like crazy - but it is always out of reach. What am I missing? Is the waiting really important - and if so - why?
Maybe in the waiting we get to the very bottom of our ugly. Maybe I will finally truly hate the monster in me and surrender it to God and really get my need to be rescued. Or perhaps the waiting is the time that is needed in the spiritual realm ... when Daniel prayed he waited 21 days for God to answer his prayer because the angels were doing battle. It seems silly for me to think that angels are doing battle over me ... I feel like nothing but Paul does say our battle is not against the unseen in the spiritual realms.
Either way ... or maybe neither way ... I have to humble myself before my kids tomorrow and talk about my sin. I KNOW that is part of this equation. I need to beg God to come yet again to the rescue and grant me patience and kindness. And I know I don't want the monster back again ... Lord do your thing.
Homeschooling is revealing a monster inside. The first month went well and I could honestly say I felt that God had granted me patience ... perhaps He did that so that I wouldn't quit right out of the gate. This second month has been horror. And I can see many old evils coming out to be seen and heard - especially heard!!!
Last week it had gotten so bad that without talking I got my kids in the car - drove them to a park - and said 'leave me alone and go play'. For 2 hours they ran around and I sat in the car just calming down reading scripture. It seriously felt like I was Saul, and the scripture was slowly settling down the demon inside, as if it were David's harp playing. Reading scripture did not reveal anything to me... and I still haven't heard from the Lord... I just stopped seething.
Today while my daughter prayed to start the day she said this, 'God can you please help Mommy not to yell today.' And then later, 'I guess God didn't answer our prayer today.' Yup - I AM horrible.
It's not only that action but the underlying thoughts that are rolling around in my head. During Math today I wanted to strangle my daughter because she couldn't get a very easy concept. I am talking Homer strangling Bart Simpson kind of strangling here. All I kept thinking is how stupid she is. That is in and of itself is really awful for a mother to think of her daughter. But why do I think that?
When I was a kid school came very easily to me. I didn't struggle, I rarely studied... It was always just there and I found most of it interesting and simple. I also never went out of my way to challenge myself either, I did what was required and did it well. I liked that it was simple. So I know a part of me is angry that they did not inherit this trait from me... as if they can do anything about it. They think differently - more like their father - and that difference is just what it is - different. Except I can't get past it. I just end up thinking they are stupid and get angry and think if I just yell the information will finally get jammed in there somehow. Clearly, this is not working. Clearly, this is damaging.
This gets me thinking ... I need to pray more - get more focused on the Lord ... all the good answers. Because I know that only Jesus can fix me. There is nothing else that will heal all this junk in me - or even help me figure out what all the junk is - except for Jesus. He died for this very reason because I am just to horrible to fix myself. So I will pray and confess and ask for healing, and apologize to my kids and explain what I am going through ... minus the calling them 'stupid' in my mind part ... because that is just hurtful. BUT I feel like I have done that a million times ... and here I am still struggling with the same crap ... anger still bubbles up and grabs hold of my heart and still comes flying out of my mouth. So what am I to do?
I wonder if the waiting for the rescue is a really important step. Because rarely does God give us what we need right then and there when we ask. The fruit of the Spirit is supposed to be ours if we are walking in the Spirit ... right there available to be plucked. Yet I feel like I am snatching at it like a donkey being led around by a carrot on a string. I am jumping and trying to get that thing like crazy - but it is always out of reach. What am I missing? Is the waiting really important - and if so - why?
Maybe in the waiting we get to the very bottom of our ugly. Maybe I will finally truly hate the monster in me and surrender it to God and really get my need to be rescued. Or perhaps the waiting is the time that is needed in the spiritual realm ... when Daniel prayed he waited 21 days for God to answer his prayer because the angels were doing battle. It seems silly for me to think that angels are doing battle over me ... I feel like nothing but Paul does say our battle is not against the unseen in the spiritual realms.
Either way ... or maybe neither way ... I have to humble myself before my kids tomorrow and talk about my sin. I KNOW that is part of this equation. I need to beg God to come yet again to the rescue and grant me patience and kindness. And I know I don't want the monster back again ... Lord do your thing.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
perspective and smiles
Living for His pleasure.
Not mine. But His.
I was sharing this with my husband and he said well isn't that Piper's thing? Sort of ... Piper says that when we live for God's glory then we will experience our highest joy ... because then we are doing what we are created for... finally we are fulfilling our purpose. All good - I totally get it, I totally agree.
BUT I was reading that dang devotional again ... Jesus Calling - man that thing nails me again and again. And I came to November 6 and it starts out by saying 'seek to please me...' And that dear friends just shifted everything in my mind!!
When I think of giving God all His due glory and honor ... I picture myself as a mirror reflecting back all His own glory - the bright blinding glow of His beauty, the magnificence of His character, the weight of His love. There is a heaviness to that responsibility... that fear and awe... of displaying Him rightly.
But when I think of living for His pleasure all I think of is putting a smile on His face. Living to make Him happy and not thinking about me.
There is far too much of me in my thoughts, in how I live, what I do, what I avoid, what I acquiesce to. What I achieve, how I will minister, how I love or don't love, what I like, and what I don't. Perhaps some of that is totally normal - I am sure it is. We are in fact sinful beings stuck inside of sinful bodies. Even though we are bought and made new - we are still stuck with the old 'me' inside the new. The flesh fights to be heard and noticed - it wants to live - even though it has always been dead. It's like a zombie that way, it can't help but drone around wanting others to be dead with it.
BUT we ARE redeemed. We have new lives ... so with it has to come a new way of thinking. LESS ME - more Jesus. Less 'my way' and start to think how I can put a smile on Jesus' face.
One line from the devotional says this ... 'Many people's decisions are a combination of their habitual responses and their desire to please themselves or others.' WOW - totally nailed. My habitual responses are about pleasing me - always without fail ... from the food I put into my mouth all the way to the ministry I want to be able to do. I want to be happy. I want the smile - I am living for my own smile.
So much of my week this week has been balking under the minutiae of homeschooling ... feeling stuck, bored, and just not caring about stupid things like the difference between a quarter and a nickel. I have hated teaching, and hated my kids this week. It has been awful - I have been awful. The feeling of being trapped and stuck and small felt life threatening. Which I suppose it was to my flesh. My flesh doesn't want to make Jesus smile, or make sacrifices, or do things in the quiet of my home ... it's all too small and too unseen. Ugg - admitting that sucks.
I was in getting a pedicure yesterday during the much needed break to gain perspective on my life. And I was chatting with the girl doing my toes. She is from Vietnam. She is the only member of her entire family away from home, everyone else lives back in Vietnam. I asked her if she trained to do manicures and pedicures in Vietnam ... 'oooh no' she said, 'I was accountant, but I could not make enough money to live there so I came here. You can only work for 8 hour in Vietnam ... they do not have enough money to pay for more work... so you are always behind. So I came here and I can work 7 days a week, for 11 hours a day, and send some money home to help my family.'
..... WHAT? Perspective all over the place - but not quite the way I expected it. This woman gave up a real job as an accountant ... to come work on rich spoiled americans feet everyday!!! She chooses a 77 hour work week ... an then gives much of it to her family!!! And she said all of this with a smile on her face. I suck - I mean I really ... suck.
My selfishness runs deep. My self-centeredness even deeper. My desire to make me happy - ridiculous chasm.
How do I put a smile on your face, Jesus? What will make your day, what will make You happy?
Hebrews 11:5-6 It was by faith that Enoch was taken up to heaven without dying—“he disappeared, because God took him.” For before he was taken up, he was known as a person who pleased God. And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.
John 8:28-30 So Jesus said, “When you have lifted up the Son of Man on the cross, then you will understand that I Am he. I do nothing on my own but say only what the Father taught me. And the one who sent me is with me—he has not deserted me. For I always do what pleases him.” Then many who heard him say these things believed in him.
There are so many more verses running through my mind but I have to be done for now. Keep it coming Jesus ...
Not mine. But His.
I was sharing this with my husband and he said well isn't that Piper's thing? Sort of ... Piper says that when we live for God's glory then we will experience our highest joy ... because then we are doing what we are created for... finally we are fulfilling our purpose. All good - I totally get it, I totally agree.
BUT I was reading that dang devotional again ... Jesus Calling - man that thing nails me again and again. And I came to November 6 and it starts out by saying 'seek to please me...' And that dear friends just shifted everything in my mind!!
When I think of giving God all His due glory and honor ... I picture myself as a mirror reflecting back all His own glory - the bright blinding glow of His beauty, the magnificence of His character, the weight of His love. There is a heaviness to that responsibility... that fear and awe... of displaying Him rightly.
But when I think of living for His pleasure all I think of is putting a smile on His face. Living to make Him happy and not thinking about me.
There is far too much of me in my thoughts, in how I live, what I do, what I avoid, what I acquiesce to. What I achieve, how I will minister, how I love or don't love, what I like, and what I don't. Perhaps some of that is totally normal - I am sure it is. We are in fact sinful beings stuck inside of sinful bodies. Even though we are bought and made new - we are still stuck with the old 'me' inside the new. The flesh fights to be heard and noticed - it wants to live - even though it has always been dead. It's like a zombie that way, it can't help but drone around wanting others to be dead with it.
BUT we ARE redeemed. We have new lives ... so with it has to come a new way of thinking. LESS ME - more Jesus. Less 'my way' and start to think how I can put a smile on Jesus' face.
One line from the devotional says this ... 'Many people's decisions are a combination of their habitual responses and their desire to please themselves or others.' WOW - totally nailed. My habitual responses are about pleasing me - always without fail ... from the food I put into my mouth all the way to the ministry I want to be able to do. I want to be happy. I want the smile - I am living for my own smile.
So much of my week this week has been balking under the minutiae of homeschooling ... feeling stuck, bored, and just not caring about stupid things like the difference between a quarter and a nickel. I have hated teaching, and hated my kids this week. It has been awful - I have been awful. The feeling of being trapped and stuck and small felt life threatening. Which I suppose it was to my flesh. My flesh doesn't want to make Jesus smile, or make sacrifices, or do things in the quiet of my home ... it's all too small and too unseen. Ugg - admitting that sucks.
I was in getting a pedicure yesterday during the much needed break to gain perspective on my life. And I was chatting with the girl doing my toes. She is from Vietnam. She is the only member of her entire family away from home, everyone else lives back in Vietnam. I asked her if she trained to do manicures and pedicures in Vietnam ... 'oooh no' she said, 'I was accountant, but I could not make enough money to live there so I came here. You can only work for 8 hour in Vietnam ... they do not have enough money to pay for more work... so you are always behind. So I came here and I can work 7 days a week, for 11 hours a day, and send some money home to help my family.'
..... WHAT? Perspective all over the place - but not quite the way I expected it. This woman gave up a real job as an accountant ... to come work on rich spoiled americans feet everyday!!! She chooses a 77 hour work week ... an then gives much of it to her family!!! And she said all of this with a smile on her face. I suck - I mean I really ... suck.
My selfishness runs deep. My self-centeredness even deeper. My desire to make me happy - ridiculous chasm.
How do I put a smile on your face, Jesus? What will make your day, what will make You happy?
Hebrews 11:5-6 It was by faith that Enoch was taken up to heaven without dying—“he disappeared, because God took him.” For before he was taken up, he was known as a person who pleased God. And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.
John 8:28-30 So Jesus said, “When you have lifted up the Son of Man on the cross, then you will understand that I Am he. I do nothing on my own but say only what the Father taught me. And the one who sent me is with me—he has not deserted me. For I always do what pleases him.” Then many who heard him say these things believed in him.
There are so many more verses running through my mind but I have to be done for now. Keep it coming Jesus ...
the girls
I just finished watching 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls ... The girls have been keeping me company in this transition time with very few friends, many nights when my husband has to work in the evening, and quite honestly it has been an escape from my kids and homeschooling.
There have been a lot of hours taken up with The Girls ... and at other times in life I think I would be angry at myself for so much waste, but NOT this time. I don't think I would have made it without them to distract me. I get so stuck over thinking at times, and thinking way too much inside my own head, and I am certain the horrors of depression would have settled in without them helping me along.
It seems silly... it is silly... but I don't care. This has been so hard and taking a break from everything has been necessary. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own head.
Describing this much change is hard. I can list off all the things that are different ... and I am pretty sure I have, but it never gets to the guts of it. There is something so deep that you just can not get at with words - they just don't touch it. Everything has shifted and it leaves a feeling of being unsettled, where everything is off, and feels wrong. Nothing is quite right, nothing is safe, or familiar. No one sees you, or really knows you, and it is so hard to break into what people have already begun in their own lives. It leaves you feeling like you are looking in on your life, instead of really living it. I gotta say - I'm not a fan.
So I have let the Gilmore Girls include me in their life for awhile, and it was nice to fit in somewhere. I know it was just an illusion, but it was nice while it lasted.
Now I have to figure out how to break into the life that God has for me now, here in this new place, and learn to love what is new and different. Learn to love homeschooling, and really get to know my kids, and dive into new friendships, and ministry. It scares the crap out of me, but staying here in this unknown and unsettled place, feels even worse.
My theme verse for the week: Psalm 70:4-5
But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “God is great!”
But as for me, I am poor and needy;
please hurry to my aid, O God.
You are my helper and my savior;
O Lord, do not delay.
There have been a lot of hours taken up with The Girls ... and at other times in life I think I would be angry at myself for so much waste, but NOT this time. I don't think I would have made it without them to distract me. I get so stuck over thinking at times, and thinking way too much inside my own head, and I am certain the horrors of depression would have settled in without them helping me along.
It seems silly... it is silly... but I don't care. This has been so hard and taking a break from everything has been necessary. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own head.
Describing this much change is hard. I can list off all the things that are different ... and I am pretty sure I have, but it never gets to the guts of it. There is something so deep that you just can not get at with words - they just don't touch it. Everything has shifted and it leaves a feeling of being unsettled, where everything is off, and feels wrong. Nothing is quite right, nothing is safe, or familiar. No one sees you, or really knows you, and it is so hard to break into what people have already begun in their own lives. It leaves you feeling like you are looking in on your life, instead of really living it. I gotta say - I'm not a fan.
So I have let the Gilmore Girls include me in their life for awhile, and it was nice to fit in somewhere. I know it was just an illusion, but it was nice while it lasted.
Now I have to figure out how to break into the life that God has for me now, here in this new place, and learn to love what is new and different. Learn to love homeschooling, and really get to know my kids, and dive into new friendships, and ministry. It scares the crap out of me, but staying here in this unknown and unsettled place, feels even worse.
My theme verse for the week: Psalm 70:4-5
But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “God is great!”
But as for me, I am poor and needy;
please hurry to my aid, O God.
You are my helper and my savior;
O Lord, do not delay.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
love the grave?
(Part 3)
Earlier that same Sunday morning I read Psalm 102 and at the end of that passage it says this:
23He broke my strength in midlife,
cutting short my days.
24 But I cried to him, “O my God, who lives forever,
don’t take my life while I am so young!
And I thought that God might just end my life ... I was having thoughts that I might die. This verse wasn't the only one to come up - there was this one too...
Psalm 30:
8 I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
9 “What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”
there were a few others as well ... and earlier in the summer before we moved I had struggled for a few days with that fear as well. I eventually dismissed it however, because fear is not from God and I knew it was a lie of the enemy. But here it was again - except this time I didn't really feel afraid ... I was willing to accept it if it was indeed God's will.
Because my senses are still so dull in all of this silence, I think I got a few wires crossed, and I am now finally getting down to the truth of what He has actually been trying to show me from the beginning. So NOW I came to realize that it isn't about my actual death, but this whole thing is in regards to 'the grave' that I had read about from Murray. This passage below is from the chapter called 'Christ Our Life' in the Master's Indwelling...
The sentence of death is on everything that is of nature. But are we willing to accept it, do we cherish it? and are we not rather trying to escape the sentence or to forget it? We do not believe fully that the sentence of death is on us. Whatever is of nature must die. Ask God to make you willing to believe with your heart that to die with Christ is the only way to live in Him. You ask, “But must it then be dying every day?” Yes, beloved; Jesus lived every day in the prospect of the cross, and we, in the power of His victorious life, being made conformable to His death, must rejoice every day in going down with Him into death.
Take an illustration. Take an oak of some hundred years’ growth. How was that oak born? In a grave. The acorn was planted in the ground, a grave was made for it that the acorn might die. It died and disappeared; it cast roots downward, and it cast shoots upward, and now that tree has been standing a hundred years. Where is it standing? In its grave; all the time in the very grave where the acorn died; it has stood there stretching its roots deeper and deeper into that earth in which its grave was made, and yet, all the time, though it stood in the very grave where it had died, it has been growing higher, and stronger, and broader, and more beautiful. And all the fruit it ever bore, and all the foliage that adorned it year by year, it owed to that grave in which its roots are cast and kept. Even so Christ owes everything to His death and His grave. And we, too, owe everything to that grave of Jesus. Oh! let us live every day rooted in the death of Jesus. Be not afraid, but say: “To my own will I will die; to human wisdom, and human strength, and to the world I will die; for it is in the grave of my Lord that His life has its beginning, and its strength and its glory.”
Oh my ... that is stunning.
I haven't fully wrapped my head around this idea ... but I know that these continual sins, these idols in me that seem to be ever present must die ... am I willing? My new self says yes! - but my flesh is fighting like crazy!!
That day as that young woman prayed over me ... I felt assured that God would not take my life just yet - that He still had things He wanted to do with me, and through me. But this death MUST come first. So how do I fully enter into the grave? How do I get my flesh to stop fighting and give up ... I want my Spirit to win! More thinking, more prayer.
Romans 6:
Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? 2 Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? 3 Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? 4 For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.
Colossians 2:
11 When you came to Christ, you were “circumcised,” but not by a physical procedure. Christ performed a spiritual circumcision—the cutting away of your sinful nature.[c] 12 For you were buried with Christ when you were baptized. And with him you were raised to new life because you trusted the mighty power of God, who raised Christ from the dead.
13 You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. 14 He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. 15 In this way, he disarmed[d] the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.
Earlier that same Sunday morning I read Psalm 102 and at the end of that passage it says this:
23He broke my strength in midlife,
cutting short my days.
24 But I cried to him, “O my God, who lives forever,
don’t take my life while I am so young!
And I thought that God might just end my life ... I was having thoughts that I might die. This verse wasn't the only one to come up - there was this one too...
Psalm 30:
8 I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
9 “What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”
there were a few others as well ... and earlier in the summer before we moved I had struggled for a few days with that fear as well. I eventually dismissed it however, because fear is not from God and I knew it was a lie of the enemy. But here it was again - except this time I didn't really feel afraid ... I was willing to accept it if it was indeed God's will.
Because my senses are still so dull in all of this silence, I think I got a few wires crossed, and I am now finally getting down to the truth of what He has actually been trying to show me from the beginning. So NOW I came to realize that it isn't about my actual death, but this whole thing is in regards to 'the grave' that I had read about from Murray. This passage below is from the chapter called 'Christ Our Life' in the Master's Indwelling...
The sentence of death is on everything that is of nature. But are we willing to accept it, do we cherish it? and are we not rather trying to escape the sentence or to forget it? We do not believe fully that the sentence of death is on us. Whatever is of nature must die. Ask God to make you willing to believe with your heart that to die with Christ is the only way to live in Him. You ask, “But must it then be dying every day?” Yes, beloved; Jesus lived every day in the prospect of the cross, and we, in the power of His victorious life, being made conformable to His death, must rejoice every day in going down with Him into death.
Take an illustration. Take an oak of some hundred years’ growth. How was that oak born? In a grave. The acorn was planted in the ground, a grave was made for it that the acorn might die. It died and disappeared; it cast roots downward, and it cast shoots upward, and now that tree has been standing a hundred years. Where is it standing? In its grave; all the time in the very grave where the acorn died; it has stood there stretching its roots deeper and deeper into that earth in which its grave was made, and yet, all the time, though it stood in the very grave where it had died, it has been growing higher, and stronger, and broader, and more beautiful. And all the fruit it ever bore, and all the foliage that adorned it year by year, it owed to that grave in which its roots are cast and kept. Even so Christ owes everything to His death and His grave. And we, too, owe everything to that grave of Jesus. Oh! let us live every day rooted in the death of Jesus. Be not afraid, but say: “To my own will I will die; to human wisdom, and human strength, and to the world I will die; for it is in the grave of my Lord that His life has its beginning, and its strength and its glory.”
Oh my ... that is stunning.
I haven't fully wrapped my head around this idea ... but I know that these continual sins, these idols in me that seem to be ever present must die ... am I willing? My new self says yes! - but my flesh is fighting like crazy!!
That day as that young woman prayed over me ... I felt assured that God would not take my life just yet - that He still had things He wanted to do with me, and through me. But this death MUST come first. So how do I fully enter into the grave? How do I get my flesh to stop fighting and give up ... I want my Spirit to win! More thinking, more prayer.
Romans 6:
Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? 2 Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? 3 Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? 4 For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.
Colossians 2:
11 When you came to Christ, you were “circumcised,” but not by a physical procedure. Christ performed a spiritual circumcision—the cutting away of your sinful nature.[c] 12 For you were buried with Christ when you were baptized. And with him you were raised to new life because you trusted the mighty power of God, who raised Christ from the dead.
13 You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. 14 He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. 15 In this way, he disarmed[d] the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.
Monday, October 21, 2013
WOW
(part 2 ... read the last post first!)
WOW.
Then we were called to come forward for communion when we felt led. I wanted to go up first ... and then I got my dipped matzo and knelt off to the side. I started just confessing and going over the thoughts God had shown me in the last hour. THEN before I knew it was happening someone was there with her arm around me, praying!!!!
She was praying for me! I don't remember it exactly but the basic gist was this...
Father, Lord, You know this beautiful creature next to me... and I just feel led to remind her how much she is loved by You ... how You sent Jesus to die in her place... and how much You want her to go on and do great things in Your name.... But God too I feel led to pray against depression and loneliness. I cast them out in the name of Jesus and pray that You will bring healing into those places in her....
WOW.
Her prayer was actually much longer but like I said that was the gist. The Lord sent her so I could hear Him speak to me. He didn't speak in my head or heart, I could not feel His presence directly... He was just there in her ... and she spoke the very things that had been on my heart all that day - all that week.
She gave me a hug and got up... and then in a few minutes came back asking if I needed to talk. I shared a bit of my story and I thanked her for her obedience to the Lord. I told her that the Lord did indeed speak those things through her to me ... and that I did need them! I never got her name ... she said she didn't even go to our church but was in a YWAM group visiting for the night.
What a crazy blessing!
(part 3 - soon to come!)
the grave
Oh my. Last night was cool.
This post will be dramatically different from the last 2 by the way.
I went to a worship night at our church. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go because I had such a difficult week with my crappy attitude, and well, my flesh loves to wallow. But that morning in church the speaker dropped about 7 verses that have been running in my mind for the last couple of weeks and I thought maybe - just maybe - the Lord might be trying to tell me something - so I decided to press in.
I got there and went to the back where they had a couple tables set up under a dim light so that people can study with the worship music in the background. I read over the verses again... one of them - Psalm 30: 6-7 - stood out:
When I was prosperous, I said,
“Nothing can stop me now!”
Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.
Then up front they were singing ... Blessed Be the Name of the Lord
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
I am having a vocal chord issue right now - they are overworked so singing actually hurts - but I sang anyway and listened in to the words, remembering my need to praise even when you don't know how. The line 'you give and take away' from Job is something that I have thought on recently and then heard repeated during the sermon that morning. I read Psalm 102 as well, but nothing stood out again. Then Psalm 103... but everything still felt dull so I decided to go back over my journal/blog entries to read through all the verses that had even vaguely been highlighted for me in the last few months ... so I could read my thoughts in context hoping for an answer that had already been given that perhaps I was just missing. I realized that God may have given me a reason for His silence and I had just missed it. I read the recent rants but then went all the way back to when we first moved here.
In one post called 'submission' I read a quote from Murray again that continues to echo at me...
Children of God, we must go down deeper into the grave of Jesus. We must cultivate the sense of impotence, and dependence, and nothingness, until our souls walk before God every day in a deep and holy trembling. God keep us from being anything. God teach us to wait on Him, that He may work in us all He wrought in His Son, till Christ Jesus may live out His life in us! For this may God help us!
Christ had a perfect life, given by God. The Father said: “Will you give up that life to me? Will you part with it at my command?” And He parted with it, but God gave it back to Him in a second life ten thousand times more glorious than that earthly life. So God will do to every one of us who willingly consents to part with his life. - Andrew Murray - The Master's Indwelling
OH BOY ... what did I do when I read this the first time?????!!!!
I prayed this ...
'Jesus I submit ... I do not want what my flesh wants anymore. I want You to come flooding in and take over - put me in the grave - empty me out, crush my evil desires, kill my flesh, put down my rebellion, suck away my pride. Remind me again just how small I am - and how much I need you to come in and do the things I can only dream of.'
This post will be dramatically different from the last 2 by the way.
I went to a worship night at our church. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go because I had such a difficult week with my crappy attitude, and well, my flesh loves to wallow. But that morning in church the speaker dropped about 7 verses that have been running in my mind for the last couple of weeks and I thought maybe - just maybe - the Lord might be trying to tell me something - so I decided to press in.
I got there and went to the back where they had a couple tables set up under a dim light so that people can study with the worship music in the background. I read over the verses again... one of them - Psalm 30: 6-7 - stood out:
When I was prosperous, I said,
“Nothing can stop me now!”
Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.
Then up front they were singing ... Blessed Be the Name of the Lord
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
I am having a vocal chord issue right now - they are overworked so singing actually hurts - but I sang anyway and listened in to the words, remembering my need to praise even when you don't know how. The line 'you give and take away' from Job is something that I have thought on recently and then heard repeated during the sermon that morning. I read Psalm 102 as well, but nothing stood out again. Then Psalm 103... but everything still felt dull so I decided to go back over my journal/blog entries to read through all the verses that had even vaguely been highlighted for me in the last few months ... so I could read my thoughts in context hoping for an answer that had already been given that perhaps I was just missing. I realized that God may have given me a reason for His silence and I had just missed it. I read the recent rants but then went all the way back to when we first moved here.
In one post called 'submission' I read a quote from Murray again that continues to echo at me...
Children of God, we must go down deeper into the grave of Jesus. We must cultivate the sense of impotence, and dependence, and nothingness, until our souls walk before God every day in a deep and holy trembling. God keep us from being anything. God teach us to wait on Him, that He may work in us all He wrought in His Son, till Christ Jesus may live out His life in us! For this may God help us!
Christ had a perfect life, given by God. The Father said: “Will you give up that life to me? Will you part with it at my command?” And He parted with it, but God gave it back to Him in a second life ten thousand times more glorious than that earthly life. So God will do to every one of us who willingly consents to part with his life. - Andrew Murray - The Master's Indwelling
OH BOY ... what did I do when I read this the first time?????!!!!
I prayed this ...
'Jesus I submit ... I do not want what my flesh wants anymore. I want You to come flooding in and take over - put me in the grave - empty me out, crush my evil desires, kill my flesh, put down my rebellion, suck away my pride. Remind me again just how small I am - and how much I need you to come in and do the things I can only dream of.'
I ASKED FOR THIS. This silence is a direct answer to this prayer. I asked to be put in the grave! I asked to be emptied, killed, crushed... to be reminded of my ridiculous need for Him - to remember my smallness!!!!! I ASKED FOR THIS!
But I had no idea what I would get.... I pictured the usuals ... sin pointed out, confession, healing... BUT what else would I get but silence ... what else would the grave be like if there was no resurrection? It would be me dead in the ground - being nothing. There would be total quiet - total nothingness.... (I need to think on this more)
He is emptying me out.
(Part 2 coming next!)
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
mess
Lord I am sorry I am such a self centered ass. I am so me focused so in love with my own thoughts and problems that I forget to do the very basic thing of confessing my sin to you - laying it all out. i am ugly full of so much self pity and self loathing ... so bent on hating everything new so bent to be sad why is there not a thankful bone in my body I hate that you have left me alone and i hate that i can not endure and i hate that I balk at even the smallest test. I hate that my problems are too small to even mention but i certainly dont want anything bigger either. I hate that I feel this way but I cant help it ... it is just here and I dont know how to shed it off ... and it just keeps bubbling up to the surface even when I try to focus on you. I hate that I cant even listen to worship music and that my throat so hurts that i cant even sing right now ... it seems that all of my go to places have been cut off. i cant really even eat the crap i want to eat because i am on this dumb diet that i am paying for ... you have blocked me in on all sides forcing me to what? i have no idea but everything in me says NO NO - I don't want this! I DONT WANT THIS!
what is wrong with me! Jesus i suck please come and rescue please. I want to praise you I want to love reading scripture even when you do not feel near. How do I do that - when you seem so absent ... but i know too that you ARE here - i just cant feel you - and i hate it. I hate it. I hate me when you are not here. I turn into this mess - this shitty mess. I dont even have tears to cry just all this angst. It is the red hot bones burning in me - crying out for You to come and be with me again. i need you I need you here with me I can not live without Your life pouring into me ... I am lost and desperate without you please release the Spirit on me again I cant bear this any longer.
I am trying to stay open ... i am trying to stay open ... please keep me open ... I need you to come.
what is wrong with me! Jesus i suck please come and rescue please. I want to praise you I want to love reading scripture even when you do not feel near. How do I do that - when you seem so absent ... but i know too that you ARE here - i just cant feel you - and i hate it. I hate it. I hate me when you are not here. I turn into this mess - this shitty mess. I dont even have tears to cry just all this angst. It is the red hot bones burning in me - crying out for You to come and be with me again. i need you I need you here with me I can not live without Your life pouring into me ... I am lost and desperate without you please release the Spirit on me again I cant bear this any longer.
I am trying to stay open ... i am trying to stay open ... please keep me open ... I need you to come.
I hate this
Damn ... I hate this. I let myself spiral into a bad place the last few days. I hate being depressed ... I HATE IT! It is the way I used to do things and damn it - I don't want to do it that way anymore!!!
Depression, as much as I can empathize with it in other people because I lived in it for so long ... is such a waste - a waste of thoughts on me - a waste of anger on me, a waste of time, energy and thought all directed at me and my perceived problems. YES - I hate life right now ... I really do! But it's for mostly stupid reasons and maybe only one good one - but even that - even that! is under a cloud of 'woe is me'!
The 'woe is me' comes from that continual question 'why?' ... why do I have to go through this, why is this happening to me, why does this hurt so much, why am I put aside, why does it hurt?????... and on and on and on... There are no real answers ... not answers that I like anyway ... nothing specific. I can not see into the future - that - is really what the big problem is, and because of that I have to wait on the Lord and of course! He is not saying anything ... so I end up spinning back to the 'why?' Because I have to try and figure it out on my own and wrap my tiny finite brain around it ... which also - of course, never works. Hence the frustration.
My life seems small ... we have moved away from everything and everyone we know ... new home - an apartment (which I do not love) for the time being, new climate, new state, new church, husbands new job, new people, new grocery store.... every damn thing is new. No change of seasons, no people who love me and know me, no one needs me... and now the Lord has asked me to homeschool - further isolating me...
Yes, newness is hard. So much change is hard. But there is also nothing - NOTHING - bad in my life. I have a husband who loves me, 3 great kids who enjoy homeschooling - even when I am having a crappy day, a great and growing church, a nice place to live, new things to explore, people to get to know, and no major problems (yet), - everything is fine... just fine... except for me. There is no natural inborn urge to be thankful for any of this. Instead my flesh balks and bursts out with depression and anger and obsessive self-centered thoughts. I really hate my flesh.
So then I eat things I shouldn't... even if its just a little, and I watch TV to escape, and now I am on my second stupid novel just to get a moment outside my own head.
Ahhh ... now the idols are back too. Great.
So now I am up in the middle of the night and dumping this all out, just so I can get back to sleep. I wish I could just tell my over-motivated-to-whine-brain... just to shut the hell up.
Just before bed tonight as I went into the bathroom ... I had a small inkling to read a devotional that I keep on the back of the toilet ... Jesus Calling.... as devotionals go - it's actually a good one. And as happened before it totally nailed where I am today ... not even sure that the date is October 14th - I felt I should open there... It was all about suffering under trials and instead of whining - being thankful. It was based on James 1 and Psalm 102 ... and since I recently got slammed with James 1 and wrote a post about that, I decided to go and read the psalm.
Psalm 102
A prayer of one overwhelmed with trouble, pouring out problems before the Lord.
1 Lord, hear my prayer!
Listen to my plea!
2 Don’t turn away from me
in my time of distress.
Bend down to listen,
and answer me quickly when I call to you.
3 For my days disappear like smoke,
and my bones burn like red-hot coals.
4 My heart is sick, withered like grass,
and I have lost my appetite.
5 Because of my groaning,
I am reduced to skin and bones.
6 I am like an owl in the desert,
like a little owl in a far-off wilderness.
7 I lie awake,
lonely as a solitary bird on the roof.
8 My enemies taunt me day after day.
They mock and curse me.
9 I eat ashes for food.
My tears run down into my drink
10 because of your anger and wrath.
For you have picked me up and thrown me out.
11 My life passes as swiftly as the evening shadows.
I am withering away like grass.
12 But you, O Lord, will sit on your throne forever.
Your fame will endure to every generation.
13 You will arise and have mercy on Jerusalem—
and now is the time to pity her,
now is the time you promised to help.
14 For your people love every stone in her walls
and cherish even the dust in her streets.
15 Then the nations will tremble before the Lord.
The kings of the earth will tremble before his glory.
16 For the Lord will rebuild Jerusalem.
He will appear in his glory.
17 He will listen to the prayers of the destitute.
He will not reject their pleas.
18 Let this be recorded for future generations,
so that a people not yet born will praise the Lord.
19 Tell them the Lord looked down
from his heavenly sanctuary.
He looked down to earth from heaven
20 to hear the groans of the prisoners,
to release those condemned to die.
21 And so the Lord’s fame will be celebrated in Zion,
his praises in Jerusalem,
22 when multitudes gather together
and kingdoms come to worship the Lord.
23 He broke my strength in midlife,
cutting short my days.
24 But I cried to him, “O my God, who lives forever,
don’t take my life while I am so young!
25 Long ago you laid the foundation of the earth
and made the heavens with your hands.
26 They will perish, but you remain forever;
they will wear out like old clothing.
You will change them like a garment
and discard them.
27 But you are always the same;
you will live forever.
28 The children of your people
will live in security.
Their children’s children
will thrive in your presence.”
The first part really resonates with me ... except the wasting away and skin and bones part... I can only dream of being depressed with NO appetite... that would be way too much to ask. Withering, lonely, overwhelmed, depressed, feeling abandoned... the Lord gives me no answer as to why He has decided to leave me alone ... except that I am to praise Him anyway ... just because He is deserving.... And because trials are from Him... here to make me strong, and endure, and learn to trust Him and demonstrate my faith.
How do I engage in the Spirit when I can not feel Him... How do I let Him keep my faith strong and enduring in this ... when I am wondering where He is? No clue ... I have no clue. How do I cast off depression day in and day out?
Confess again, cry out again, stay open. Confess again, cry out again, stay open, confess again, cry out again, stay open, confess again, cry out again and again and again and again and again and again and STAY OPEN. This is what I have got - all I have got.
Man I just want to scream and cry and throw a fit like a 2 year old ... I hate this.
Depression, as much as I can empathize with it in other people because I lived in it for so long ... is such a waste - a waste of thoughts on me - a waste of anger on me, a waste of time, energy and thought all directed at me and my perceived problems. YES - I hate life right now ... I really do! But it's for mostly stupid reasons and maybe only one good one - but even that - even that! is under a cloud of 'woe is me'!
The 'woe is me' comes from that continual question 'why?' ... why do I have to go through this, why is this happening to me, why does this hurt so much, why am I put aside, why does it hurt?????... and on and on and on... There are no real answers ... not answers that I like anyway ... nothing specific. I can not see into the future - that - is really what the big problem is, and because of that I have to wait on the Lord and of course! He is not saying anything ... so I end up spinning back to the 'why?' Because I have to try and figure it out on my own and wrap my tiny finite brain around it ... which also - of course, never works. Hence the frustration.
My life seems small ... we have moved away from everything and everyone we know ... new home - an apartment (which I do not love) for the time being, new climate, new state, new church, husbands new job, new people, new grocery store.... every damn thing is new. No change of seasons, no people who love me and know me, no one needs me... and now the Lord has asked me to homeschool - further isolating me...
Yes, newness is hard. So much change is hard. But there is also nothing - NOTHING - bad in my life. I have a husband who loves me, 3 great kids who enjoy homeschooling - even when I am having a crappy day, a great and growing church, a nice place to live, new things to explore, people to get to know, and no major problems (yet), - everything is fine... just fine... except for me. There is no natural inborn urge to be thankful for any of this. Instead my flesh balks and bursts out with depression and anger and obsessive self-centered thoughts. I really hate my flesh.
So then I eat things I shouldn't... even if its just a little, and I watch TV to escape, and now I am on my second stupid novel just to get a moment outside my own head.
Ahhh ... now the idols are back too. Great.
So now I am up in the middle of the night and dumping this all out, just so I can get back to sleep. I wish I could just tell my over-motivated-to-whine-brain... just to shut the hell up.
Just before bed tonight as I went into the bathroom ... I had a small inkling to read a devotional that I keep on the back of the toilet ... Jesus Calling.... as devotionals go - it's actually a good one. And as happened before it totally nailed where I am today ... not even sure that the date is October 14th - I felt I should open there... It was all about suffering under trials and instead of whining - being thankful. It was based on James 1 and Psalm 102 ... and since I recently got slammed with James 1 and wrote a post about that, I decided to go and read the psalm.
Psalm 102
A prayer of one overwhelmed with trouble, pouring out problems before the Lord.
1 Lord, hear my prayer!
Listen to my plea!
2 Don’t turn away from me
in my time of distress.
Bend down to listen,
and answer me quickly when I call to you.
3 For my days disappear like smoke,
and my bones burn like red-hot coals.
4 My heart is sick, withered like grass,
and I have lost my appetite.
5 Because of my groaning,
I am reduced to skin and bones.
6 I am like an owl in the desert,
like a little owl in a far-off wilderness.
7 I lie awake,
lonely as a solitary bird on the roof.
8 My enemies taunt me day after day.
They mock and curse me.
9 I eat ashes for food.
My tears run down into my drink
10 because of your anger and wrath.
For you have picked me up and thrown me out.
11 My life passes as swiftly as the evening shadows.
I am withering away like grass.
12 But you, O Lord, will sit on your throne forever.
Your fame will endure to every generation.
13 You will arise and have mercy on Jerusalem—
and now is the time to pity her,
now is the time you promised to help.
14 For your people love every stone in her walls
and cherish even the dust in her streets.
15 Then the nations will tremble before the Lord.
The kings of the earth will tremble before his glory.
16 For the Lord will rebuild Jerusalem.
He will appear in his glory.
17 He will listen to the prayers of the destitute.
He will not reject their pleas.
18 Let this be recorded for future generations,
so that a people not yet born will praise the Lord.
19 Tell them the Lord looked down
from his heavenly sanctuary.
He looked down to earth from heaven
20 to hear the groans of the prisoners,
to release those condemned to die.
21 And so the Lord’s fame will be celebrated in Zion,
his praises in Jerusalem,
22 when multitudes gather together
and kingdoms come to worship the Lord.
23 He broke my strength in midlife,
cutting short my days.
24 But I cried to him, “O my God, who lives forever,
don’t take my life while I am so young!
25 Long ago you laid the foundation of the earth
and made the heavens with your hands.
26 They will perish, but you remain forever;
they will wear out like old clothing.
You will change them like a garment
and discard them.
27 But you are always the same;
you will live forever.
28 The children of your people
will live in security.
Their children’s children
will thrive in your presence.”
The first part really resonates with me ... except the wasting away and skin and bones part... I can only dream of being depressed with NO appetite... that would be way too much to ask. Withering, lonely, overwhelmed, depressed, feeling abandoned... the Lord gives me no answer as to why He has decided to leave me alone ... except that I am to praise Him anyway ... just because He is deserving.... And because trials are from Him... here to make me strong, and endure, and learn to trust Him and demonstrate my faith.
How do I engage in the Spirit when I can not feel Him... How do I let Him keep my faith strong and enduring in this ... when I am wondering where He is? No clue ... I have no clue. How do I cast off depression day in and day out?
Confess again, cry out again, stay open. Confess again, cry out again, stay open, confess again, cry out again, stay open, confess again, cry out again and again and again and again and again and again and STAY OPEN. This is what I have got - all I have got.
Man I just want to scream and cry and throw a fit like a 2 year old ... I hate this.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
withering
Who knew silence would be so hard to deal with. I feel like I am withering.
I used to love to be by myself, in quiet so that I could focus in, and wait on the Lord, listening for His voice. That is my most favorite thing in all the world - seriously. But this is nothing like that. This is hard and leaves me wondering in my small moments of doubt what I might have done wrong to be put aside for right now, shelved out of the way, unused. In my faithful moments, I know that is all crap and I haven't done anything wrong ... but it doesn't change the suckiness of the silence.
The truth is - I miss Jesus. I KNOW He is here... I KNOW He has not forsaken me ... I KNOW He is sovereignly holding me and putting cosmic pieces together, but I MISS Him! It's just like when my husband is gone for a week or more and life is just not the same, and closeness is just not possible, the phone just doesn't cut it, and you can't wait to be reunited. Except this has been for almost 3 months now. 3 months.
As the deer pants for the water,
so my soul longs after You, oh God. Psalm 42:1
Oh God, You are my God,
I earnestly search for You.
My soul thirsts for You;
my whole body longs for You in this parched and weary land
where there is no water. Psalm 63:1
- I could just scream these verses right now from the top of my lungs!!!!
I was texting with a friend the other day and she quoted some Oswald Chambers to me on silence ...
'but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible— with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him— He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes.'
I wish I knew for sure that when I read this it was sent to me from the Lord. But I get no sense either way ... nothing is highlighted, I can't hear the Lord, and no Holy Spirit burning in my chest ... Can it be that God is trusting me to wait in faith to bring me into something even greater than I can imagine - a greater revelation? That would certainly be awesome. Does this really demonstrate His intimacy with me? It doesn't feel that way... but hey maybe it's like an old couple, perfectly content to be in the same room together without talking, but knowing full well what the other is thinking. I just simply do not know.
The one thing I do know - I have scripture. People keep saying this to me too, and I keep reading it in different places ... so even though my sense from the Lord is so dull - that message has come through. Keep pressing into the Word ...
... it may not feel the same as I read, but it is His very Word. And I can live on every word that proceeds from His mouth ... I CAN LIVE ON IT - like bread.
But they delight in the law of the Lord,
meditating on it day and night.
They are like trees planted along the riverbank,
bearing fruit each season.
Their leaves never wither,
and they prosper in all they do. Psalm 1: 2-3
Jesus ... I do not want to wither. Hold me together, feed me Your Word. Grant me patience as I wait on You. Fill me with faith as I keep my eyes fixed on You and even when I turn away in my moments of doubt and indifference ... please keep me.
I used to love to be by myself, in quiet so that I could focus in, and wait on the Lord, listening for His voice. That is my most favorite thing in all the world - seriously. But this is nothing like that. This is hard and leaves me wondering in my small moments of doubt what I might have done wrong to be put aside for right now, shelved out of the way, unused. In my faithful moments, I know that is all crap and I haven't done anything wrong ... but it doesn't change the suckiness of the silence.
The truth is - I miss Jesus. I KNOW He is here... I KNOW He has not forsaken me ... I KNOW He is sovereignly holding me and putting cosmic pieces together, but I MISS Him! It's just like when my husband is gone for a week or more and life is just not the same, and closeness is just not possible, the phone just doesn't cut it, and you can't wait to be reunited. Except this has been for almost 3 months now. 3 months.
As the deer pants for the water,
so my soul longs after You, oh God. Psalm 42:1
Oh God, You are my God,
I earnestly search for You.
My soul thirsts for You;
my whole body longs for You in this parched and weary land
where there is no water. Psalm 63:1
- I could just scream these verses right now from the top of my lungs!!!!
I was texting with a friend the other day and she quoted some Oswald Chambers to me on silence ...
'but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible— with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him— He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes.'
I wish I knew for sure that when I read this it was sent to me from the Lord. But I get no sense either way ... nothing is highlighted, I can't hear the Lord, and no Holy Spirit burning in my chest ... Can it be that God is trusting me to wait in faith to bring me into something even greater than I can imagine - a greater revelation? That would certainly be awesome. Does this really demonstrate His intimacy with me? It doesn't feel that way... but hey maybe it's like an old couple, perfectly content to be in the same room together without talking, but knowing full well what the other is thinking. I just simply do not know.
The one thing I do know - I have scripture. People keep saying this to me too, and I keep reading it in different places ... so even though my sense from the Lord is so dull - that message has come through. Keep pressing into the Word ...
... it may not feel the same as I read, but it is His very Word. And I can live on every word that proceeds from His mouth ... I CAN LIVE ON IT - like bread.
But they delight in the law of the Lord,
meditating on it day and night.
They are like trees planted along the riverbank,
bearing fruit each season.
Their leaves never wither,
and they prosper in all they do. Psalm 1: 2-3
Jesus ... I do not want to wither. Hold me together, feed me Your Word. Grant me patience as I wait on You. Fill me with faith as I keep my eyes fixed on You and even when I turn away in my moments of doubt and indifference ... please keep me.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
everyday
The quiet continues...
I began wondering this morning at church ... What if the Lord chose never to turn on my spiritual sense again? What if He never allowed me to clearly hear His voice or sense His presence again ... would I be able go on like this for the rest of my days?
ugg...
Nothing, NOTHING about that idea sounds good to me. BUT it is a good question....
I once heard a story about a woman - I think in Africa - who heard God speak so very clearly to her. It happened only one time - but it was so clear, so distinct, so obviously from God - that she began serving Him, pouring out, every day thereafter. But that one day was SO clear, SO distinct, SO of GOD that is spurred her on for ALL of her days... He never spoke to her again... just that once. But she served every day, as if she heard Him everyday.
I have been thinking about this... wishing I knew who she was - so I could read her story ... if she even has one. Can I serve God, worship Him, love Him with passion, zeal, throw everything in, give up whatever, worship with abandon - even if I never hear His voice again, never sense Him near?
I want to. I really do. I want to give Him crazy praise, I want to read His word and study, and learn and grow and draw near even if I can't feel Him. I want to tell others about Him and encourage them to do the same. Because, somewhere in me I am finally getting that this is not about me. This is about Jesus and what He deserves. If all He ever did for me was die on the cross, and rise up again, and pull me into that salvation ... then He deserves all my praise, all my devotion, all my love, and heart, and soul, and mind, and strength. He deserves it ALL!
Lord, since you have carried me this far ... can you please by the power of the Spirit carry me into praise - praise for all the wonderful things you have done for me ... set my heart on fire with delight in You. Strip my mind of myself and fix everything on Your wonders. May I see you more clearly in this time of quiet.
I began wondering this morning at church ... What if the Lord chose never to turn on my spiritual sense again? What if He never allowed me to clearly hear His voice or sense His presence again ... would I be able go on like this for the rest of my days?
ugg...
Nothing, NOTHING about that idea sounds good to me. BUT it is a good question....
I once heard a story about a woman - I think in Africa - who heard God speak so very clearly to her. It happened only one time - but it was so clear, so distinct, so obviously from God - that she began serving Him, pouring out, every day thereafter. But that one day was SO clear, SO distinct, SO of GOD that is spurred her on for ALL of her days... He never spoke to her again... just that once. But she served every day, as if she heard Him everyday.
I have been thinking about this... wishing I knew who she was - so I could read her story ... if she even has one. Can I serve God, worship Him, love Him with passion, zeal, throw everything in, give up whatever, worship with abandon - even if I never hear His voice again, never sense Him near?
I want to. I really do. I want to give Him crazy praise, I want to read His word and study, and learn and grow and draw near even if I can't feel Him. I want to tell others about Him and encourage them to do the same. Because, somewhere in me I am finally getting that this is not about me. This is about Jesus and what He deserves. If all He ever did for me was die on the cross, and rise up again, and pull me into that salvation ... then He deserves all my praise, all my devotion, all my love, and heart, and soul, and mind, and strength. He deserves it ALL!
Lord, since you have carried me this far ... can you please by the power of the Spirit carry me into praise - praise for all the wonderful things you have done for me ... set my heart on fire with delight in You. Strip my mind of myself and fix everything on Your wonders. May I see you more clearly in this time of quiet.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
STAY OPEN
I went into church ... and really the whole morning feeling quite down and overwhelmed, on the brink of tears. The moving and being away from everything familiar is really, really hard... and I think it is finally catching up with me. I have had my moments before this for sure, but now it feels like I have hit a wall. The not being known and not really knowing anyone, has become quite loud and painful. And I know the only thing to truly heal any of that is to wait on God to unfold my new life and purpose as it is meant to unfold - OVER TIME.
BUT this morning I wanted to curl up in bed and definitely not go to church. I did not want to face the sea of people I don't know.... and instead stay in my apartment with what little I DO know ... my kids, my furniture. That sounds silly but this feels like all I have besides my husband and he was already at church!
I got up and went anyway realizing that my furniture really is not that comforting (it's nice and all but...). And I had a vague sense that the Lord was saying stay open, STAY OPEN. Again it's all so dull and vague from the Lord right now. I remember watching an episode of Star Trek Next Generation when Counselor Troi lost her empathic ability ... and she described everyone as flat and lifeless. She had lost one of her senses and she felt lost, lonely, and afraid. I sort of feel the same ... I feel like I have lost one of my senses ... my spiritual sense, and now I am floundering around blind or deaf. It's awful. Especially now when life is already overwhelming.
Stay open! Don't curl up and hide ... run into it! Ugg ... are You kidding? ... then this verse came to mind...
Consider it all joy, when trials come. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. SO LET IT GROW, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1: 3-4
Fully developed
perfect
complete
needing nothing
These are all really good things! REALLY good things!
So breathe ... stay open ... let my broken heart flap out there in the wind ... and HE will show up and complete the work He has begun in me. Complete ... that sounds crazy good and worth the wait.
BUT this morning I wanted to curl up in bed and definitely not go to church. I did not want to face the sea of people I don't know.... and instead stay in my apartment with what little I DO know ... my kids, my furniture. That sounds silly but this feels like all I have besides my husband and he was already at church!
I got up and went anyway realizing that my furniture really is not that comforting (it's nice and all but...). And I had a vague sense that the Lord was saying stay open, STAY OPEN. Again it's all so dull and vague from the Lord right now. I remember watching an episode of Star Trek Next Generation when Counselor Troi lost her empathic ability ... and she described everyone as flat and lifeless. She had lost one of her senses and she felt lost, lonely, and afraid. I sort of feel the same ... I feel like I have lost one of my senses ... my spiritual sense, and now I am floundering around blind or deaf. It's awful. Especially now when life is already overwhelming.
Stay open! Don't curl up and hide ... run into it! Ugg ... are You kidding? ... then this verse came to mind...
Consider it all joy, when trials come. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. SO LET IT GROW, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1: 3-4
Fully developed
perfect
complete
needing nothing
These are all really good things! REALLY good things!
So breathe ... stay open ... let my broken heart flap out there in the wind ... and HE will show up and complete the work He has begun in me. Complete ... that sounds crazy good and worth the wait.
Monday, September 16, 2013
carried
I just read over my more recent posts and I realized just now, that God has been answering my prayers ... just not in the way I expected or to be frank how I wanted.
I had prayed for God to break my food addiction ... and through a weird set of circumstances found myself in the Medifast storefront here in my new home ... signing my life away for the next 16 months - 4 months to lose weight and a year to maintain - with a crazy price tag that my husband said yes to. I have to go in every week - visit with a nutritionist and get weighed and buy my food for the next week. I am still not sure how it all happened ... I had no intention of doing that - but then there it was - happening!
I have also been praying about what to do with my kids and their school ... they didn't get into the charter school I thought God was directing us to ... and since his direction away from the public school and to the charter school seemed so clear ... we just kept waiting. Until the day I went in and even though my son is 3rd on the waiting list ... and they said time and again, 'it will be fine they should get in,' they did NOT get in. WHAT? God I thought that was what you wanted?
Enter in a conversation with a friend who just began homeschooling this year... and she said God will show you what you are supposed to do... then a nudge from the Holy Spirit ... and I realized I had no room in there for the Spirit to move because I was so firmly a "NO" to homeschooling that is wasn't even an option. Then that week I got super sick - fever, chills, aches etc ... what this boils down to - I had time on my hands. I started reading blogs about homeschooling and finding myself in a PMS and illness induced tear fest - or was it? Either way, I found myself getting excited about it and later that night saying to my husband 'you'll never guess what I am thinking about doing?!' He never did guess - because it is so outrageous - because it's so totally crazy!
So after 2 weeks of breaking me down and sending people in to speak encouragement and to answer all of my insane questions - God won. I am homeschooling. Even with all of my objections ... all my hang-ups... Jesus knows I want to submit to Him, even if He is asking the craziest thing of me! After one conversation with a new friend ... I literally found myself in the parking lot at Walmart crying again. Crying over dying to more of myself, losing what I think of as freedom, time disappearing, all my weaknesses being tested daily. Homeschooling is now a new calling on my life. I NEVER thought I would say that - NEVER!
Curriculum has been chosen, the kids have been pulled from school and now we start something totally new. I am thoroughly frightened. BUT I am also excited to see what God does!
In both of these - decisions? - shall we call them... I felt carried. The Lord remains quiet. I can not hear Him, I can not feel him, His Word is flat, I have no sense of Him ... nothing SPECIFIC or pointed like how I normally hear Him. I can see His movements out there, but it's vague, and I can see God's hand in others - in friends - easier than myself. I can hear His words to me from others ... but it's distant and dull. It is like being in a game show where they make you stand in that plexiglass sound proof room so you can't hear your opponent's answers. You can see a little but it doesn't make sense. I know God is there but He has me isolated for some reason. I am not sure why.
One friend suggested that it was to hone my other senses. This could be true... I can see that I am recognizing God's hand - His sovereignty carrying me through each of the above life altering decisions. And I can see how my faith has changed. Before God began this new work in me ... and probably even during ... I would have cried, shaken my fist, screamed and sworn at Him like a child in a temper tantrum just because I thought I was alone. BUT now I KNOW I am not alone. I feel His care for me in the things I can see He is orchestrating. I know that when I draw near to Him - even though I can not feel Him or hear Him ... He draws near to me.... my faith HAS changed.
Another friend said that the quiet was perhaps for this ... that WHEN He speaks ... for whatever reason it may be! ... you will KNOW exactly what He wants from you. The quiet is meant to highlight whatever is coming.
That rang true to my prophetic ears. Because my big questions are still unanswered .... what is this whole journey to joy about ... what is the block? - still do not know! What is my purpose here in our new home, our new church ... I still do not know! But I do know that God is taking care of me ... killing off my food addiction, setting me AND my kids apart for something new, answering prayers ... all the quiet is just Him getting us ready for something - something that is coming. The quiet has a purpose.
Being carried is not always a bad thing ... especially when you get to see your prayers answered! And you know God is going to tell you something big just up ahead.
I had prayed for God to break my food addiction ... and through a weird set of circumstances found myself in the Medifast storefront here in my new home ... signing my life away for the next 16 months - 4 months to lose weight and a year to maintain - with a crazy price tag that my husband said yes to. I have to go in every week - visit with a nutritionist and get weighed and buy my food for the next week. I am still not sure how it all happened ... I had no intention of doing that - but then there it was - happening!
I have also been praying about what to do with my kids and their school ... they didn't get into the charter school I thought God was directing us to ... and since his direction away from the public school and to the charter school seemed so clear ... we just kept waiting. Until the day I went in and even though my son is 3rd on the waiting list ... and they said time and again, 'it will be fine they should get in,' they did NOT get in. WHAT? God I thought that was what you wanted?
Enter in a conversation with a friend who just began homeschooling this year... and she said God will show you what you are supposed to do... then a nudge from the Holy Spirit ... and I realized I had no room in there for the Spirit to move because I was so firmly a "NO" to homeschooling that is wasn't even an option. Then that week I got super sick - fever, chills, aches etc ... what this boils down to - I had time on my hands. I started reading blogs about homeschooling and finding myself in a PMS and illness induced tear fest - or was it? Either way, I found myself getting excited about it and later that night saying to my husband 'you'll never guess what I am thinking about doing?!' He never did guess - because it is so outrageous - because it's so totally crazy!
So after 2 weeks of breaking me down and sending people in to speak encouragement and to answer all of my insane questions - God won. I am homeschooling. Even with all of my objections ... all my hang-ups... Jesus knows I want to submit to Him, even if He is asking the craziest thing of me! After one conversation with a new friend ... I literally found myself in the parking lot at Walmart crying again. Crying over dying to more of myself, losing what I think of as freedom, time disappearing, all my weaknesses being tested daily. Homeschooling is now a new calling on my life. I NEVER thought I would say that - NEVER!
Curriculum has been chosen, the kids have been pulled from school and now we start something totally new. I am thoroughly frightened. BUT I am also excited to see what God does!
In both of these - decisions? - shall we call them... I felt carried. The Lord remains quiet. I can not hear Him, I can not feel him, His Word is flat, I have no sense of Him ... nothing SPECIFIC or pointed like how I normally hear Him. I can see His movements out there, but it's vague, and I can see God's hand in others - in friends - easier than myself. I can hear His words to me from others ... but it's distant and dull. It is like being in a game show where they make you stand in that plexiglass sound proof room so you can't hear your opponent's answers. You can see a little but it doesn't make sense. I know God is there but He has me isolated for some reason. I am not sure why.
One friend suggested that it was to hone my other senses. This could be true... I can see that I am recognizing God's hand - His sovereignty carrying me through each of the above life altering decisions. And I can see how my faith has changed. Before God began this new work in me ... and probably even during ... I would have cried, shaken my fist, screamed and sworn at Him like a child in a temper tantrum just because I thought I was alone. BUT now I KNOW I am not alone. I feel His care for me in the things I can see He is orchestrating. I know that when I draw near to Him - even though I can not feel Him or hear Him ... He draws near to me.... my faith HAS changed.
Another friend said that the quiet was perhaps for this ... that WHEN He speaks ... for whatever reason it may be! ... you will KNOW exactly what He wants from you. The quiet is meant to highlight whatever is coming.
That rang true to my prophetic ears. Because my big questions are still unanswered .... what is this whole journey to joy about ... what is the block? - still do not know! What is my purpose here in our new home, our new church ... I still do not know! But I do know that God is taking care of me ... killing off my food addiction, setting me AND my kids apart for something new, answering prayers ... all the quiet is just Him getting us ready for something - something that is coming. The quiet has a purpose.
Being carried is not always a bad thing ... especially when you get to see your prayers answered! And you know God is going to tell you something big just up ahead.
Friday, August 23, 2013
submission
Ahh ... the praying has begun.
Lord all week I have been avoiding you. Partly afraid that when I got here ... You would not show. And partly, my flesh just really didn't want to. My flesh would much rather eat chocolate, and ice cream, watch TV and play games on my phone much more than come and fully submit.
That's the real problem right, Lord? I just can't fully give up control of food to you. I know you have wanted me to come - Isaiah 65: 1-5 ... You have been ready for me ... I have not been ready for you. I am trying to have one last wallow in my filth before I let you clean me.
The Lord says,
“I was ready to respond, but no one asked for help.
I was ready to be found, but no one was looking for me.
I said, ‘Here I am, here I am!’
to a nation that did not call on my name.
All day long I opened my arms to a rebellious people.
But they follow their own evil paths
and their own crooked schemes.
All day long they insult me to my face
by worshiping idols in their sacred gardens.
They burn incense on pagan altars.
At night they go out among the graves,
worshiping the dead.
They eat the flesh of pigs
and make stews with other forbidden foods.
Yet they say to each other,
‘Don’t come too close or you will defile me!
I am holier than you!’
These people are a stench in my nostrils,
an acrid smell that never goes away.
This passage in Isaiah seems a bit hard to me ... but then not ... It is just my flesh balking - wanting an easy way out. It's my pride hurting because it wants to be right, but really what You are asking, Lord - is for total death. And I keep trying to cling to a little of my own way. Andrew Murray helps once again - reminding me that I must let go of ALL ... if I am going to have more of you - more presence - more life - true joy.
Children of God, we must go down deeper into the grave of Jesus. We must cultivate the sense of impotence, and dependence, and nothingness, until our souls walk before God every day in a deep and holy trembling. God keep us from being anything. God teach us to wait on Him, that He may work in us all He wrought in His Son, till Christ Jesus may live out His life in us! For this may God help us!
Christ had a perfect life, given by God. The Father said: “Will you give up that life to me? Will you part with it at my command?” And He parted with it, but God gave it back to Him in a second life ten thousand times more glorious than that earthly life. So God will do to every one of us who willingly consents to part with his life. - Andrew Murray - The Master's Indwelling
My Spirit ... the new heart - new creature in me WANTS this. But my flesh says - NOOOOO! I don't want to submit that much - I don't want to be that humbled - that thumbed down - that run . But the thing is there is no other way. Death must come - a total death.
Jesus I submit ... I don not want what my flesh wants anymore. I want You to come flooding in and take over - put me in the grave - empty me out, crush my evil desires, kill my flesh, put down my rebellion, suck away my pride. Remind me again just how small I am - and how much I need you to come in and do the things I can only dream of.
Lord, I know this idol of food is in the way. It is blocking your work in me. I have nothing to offer in this - even now I am starving and want to run to the fridge for lunch. You HAVE to come - YOU have to do something new in me! I don't like my wishy-washy back and forth divided mind anymore. Give me wisdom - give me insight, help me remember to pray before I eat every single time, help me submit to Your desires, help me to be grateful when you tell me what You allow. I CAN NOT do this ... YOU MUST. Free me from any opposing desire. Fill me with new desires - to be obedient, and thankful, and free.
Lord I confess now of my unbelief in your care, my unbelief in your desire to save me from this sin, my unbelief that victory is possible, that the victory that you have laid out can even be desirable to me. Lord, I confess my flat out disobedience in the last months, my overwhelming need to satisfy my flesh, letting my eyes lust after food, for satisfying the god of my stomach over You. Lord if the enemy has a foothold in this area - I cast him out in the name of Jesus ... free me to love and serve You and You alone in this area of my life. Lord, Jesus will you send the Holy Spirit to come and fill me up, to fill me with a new love for obedience, and a desire to honor you with every bite I take. Fill me with a hunger and thirst for You - a longing to be with you at your feet - serving You as You see fit.
Lord all week I have been avoiding you. Partly afraid that when I got here ... You would not show. And partly, my flesh just really didn't want to. My flesh would much rather eat chocolate, and ice cream, watch TV and play games on my phone much more than come and fully submit.
That's the real problem right, Lord? I just can't fully give up control of food to you. I know you have wanted me to come - Isaiah 65: 1-5 ... You have been ready for me ... I have not been ready for you. I am trying to have one last wallow in my filth before I let you clean me.
The Lord says,
“I was ready to respond, but no one asked for help.
I was ready to be found, but no one was looking for me.
I said, ‘Here I am, here I am!’
to a nation that did not call on my name.
All day long I opened my arms to a rebellious people.
But they follow their own evil paths
and their own crooked schemes.
All day long they insult me to my face
by worshiping idols in their sacred gardens.
They burn incense on pagan altars.
At night they go out among the graves,
worshiping the dead.
They eat the flesh of pigs
and make stews with other forbidden foods.
Yet they say to each other,
‘Don’t come too close or you will defile me!
I am holier than you!’
These people are a stench in my nostrils,
an acrid smell that never goes away.
This passage in Isaiah seems a bit hard to me ... but then not ... It is just my flesh balking - wanting an easy way out. It's my pride hurting because it wants to be right, but really what You are asking, Lord - is for total death. And I keep trying to cling to a little of my own way. Andrew Murray helps once again - reminding me that I must let go of ALL ... if I am going to have more of you - more presence - more life - true joy.
Children of God, we must go down deeper into the grave of Jesus. We must cultivate the sense of impotence, and dependence, and nothingness, until our souls walk before God every day in a deep and holy trembling. God keep us from being anything. God teach us to wait on Him, that He may work in us all He wrought in His Son, till Christ Jesus may live out His life in us! For this may God help us!
Christ had a perfect life, given by God. The Father said: “Will you give up that life to me? Will you part with it at my command?” And He parted with it, but God gave it back to Him in a second life ten thousand times more glorious than that earthly life. So God will do to every one of us who willingly consents to part with his life. - Andrew Murray - The Master's Indwelling
My Spirit ... the new heart - new creature in me WANTS this. But my flesh says - NOOOOO! I don't want to submit that much - I don't want to be that humbled - that thumbed down - that run . But the thing is there is no other way. Death must come - a total death.
Jesus I submit ... I don not want what my flesh wants anymore. I want You to come flooding in and take over - put me in the grave - empty me out, crush my evil desires, kill my flesh, put down my rebellion, suck away my pride. Remind me again just how small I am - and how much I need you to come in and do the things I can only dream of.
Lord, I know this idol of food is in the way. It is blocking your work in me. I have nothing to offer in this - even now I am starving and want to run to the fridge for lunch. You HAVE to come - YOU have to do something new in me! I don't like my wishy-washy back and forth divided mind anymore. Give me wisdom - give me insight, help me remember to pray before I eat every single time, help me submit to Your desires, help me to be grateful when you tell me what You allow. I CAN NOT do this ... YOU MUST. Free me from any opposing desire. Fill me with new desires - to be obedient, and thankful, and free.
Lord I confess now of my unbelief in your care, my unbelief in your desire to save me from this sin, my unbelief that victory is possible, that the victory that you have laid out can even be desirable to me. Lord, I confess my flat out disobedience in the last months, my overwhelming need to satisfy my flesh, letting my eyes lust after food, for satisfying the god of my stomach over You. Lord if the enemy has a foothold in this area - I cast him out in the name of Jesus ... free me to love and serve You and You alone in this area of my life. Lord, Jesus will you send the Holy Spirit to come and fill me up, to fill me with a new love for obedience, and a desire to honor you with every bite I take. Fill me with a hunger and thirst for You - a longing to be with you at your feet - serving You as You see fit.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
quiet
The Lord has been very quiet. I can not hear His voice. I cannot feel His presence.
Yet I can see Him sustaining me.
I am not filled with fear, or anxiety. I am not worrying over the crappy school my kids have to attend, or when the school I want them in, will be open. Or the many dinners and new people I have to meet. Or even all the new of finding doctors, new routine, or making friends. I feel like I am flowing in a stream and just going with it. It is a lot of change and normally I would be a mess of depression, but His hand is on me.
This past Monday marked a new era for me ... my kids are all in school ... my youngest is in kindergarten. So my days are free ... and since there is so much that is new, and soon we will be looking for a new house and have to move again - we decided that whatever work I am to do in the future will wait until we are more settled. BUT that leaves my days very free.
I feel like I want to use this time wisely and spend a lot of time in quiet. Spend it in prayer and listening. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me ... but I keep getting reminders from good friends who ARE hearing from the Lord that He has me ... and good things are coming!
Yet I can see Him sustaining me.
I am not filled with fear, or anxiety. I am not worrying over the crappy school my kids have to attend, or when the school I want them in, will be open. Or the many dinners and new people I have to meet. Or even all the new of finding doctors, new routine, or making friends. I feel like I am flowing in a stream and just going with it. It is a lot of change and normally I would be a mess of depression, but His hand is on me.
This past Monday marked a new era for me ... my kids are all in school ... my youngest is in kindergarten. So my days are free ... and since there is so much that is new, and soon we will be looking for a new house and have to move again - we decided that whatever work I am to do in the future will wait until we are more settled. BUT that leaves my days very free.
I feel like I want to use this time wisely and spend a lot of time in quiet. Spend it in prayer and listening. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me ... but I keep getting reminders from good friends who ARE hearing from the Lord that He has me ... and good things are coming!
Monday, August 12, 2013
Niagara River
I had a dream the other morning ... while I was praying - because many mornings lately when I wake to pray I fall back to sleep and wake up, and fall asleep again ... Its a whole thing - anyway ...
My dream was of me racing down the Niagara River heading toward the Niagara Falls ... I had fallen in and couldn't get out and now I am about to go over! The fear was so big - so scary I woke up startled to remember my dream.
And I realized as I reflected on my dream that the only way I was going to get out of that crazy current was to be rescued. I need to be RESCUED. Plucked out of the water by some massive hand and put back on land - nothing else would do. When you are heading for the Falls - what else could save you?
This was such a picture of temptation for me ... me and food - my ultimate temptation (right now - but it also has been a life long struggle). I am heading for the falls each day in a rush of current and waves and the only thing that can save me is the hand of God plucking me out of my mess and setting me on a new path.
Food is such an idol in my life. I don't want it to be, but it is still here. There are days I wish I could just stop eating and walk away from food altogether ... but that is not possible unless I want a whole new set of issues.
So I plead and confess my sin again asking for rescue. Jesus there is nothing else that will do! Please come and save me from myself! I don't know what else to pray anymore - I need YOU! I know this is in the way! I know I am supposed to pray and seek you before I eat anything and I just can't remember - no matter how many times I start over - I still have to start again! When will there be change? Jesus this is an idol I just don't want, but it feels like a rock chained to my neck - please help! Please show up!
My dream was of me racing down the Niagara River heading toward the Niagara Falls ... I had fallen in and couldn't get out and now I am about to go over! The fear was so big - so scary I woke up startled to remember my dream.
And I realized as I reflected on my dream that the only way I was going to get out of that crazy current was to be rescued. I need to be RESCUED. Plucked out of the water by some massive hand and put back on land - nothing else would do. When you are heading for the Falls - what else could save you?
This was such a picture of temptation for me ... me and food - my ultimate temptation (right now - but it also has been a life long struggle). I am heading for the falls each day in a rush of current and waves and the only thing that can save me is the hand of God plucking me out of my mess and setting me on a new path.
Food is such an idol in my life. I don't want it to be, but it is still here. There are days I wish I could just stop eating and walk away from food altogether ... but that is not possible unless I want a whole new set of issues.
So I plead and confess my sin again asking for rescue. Jesus there is nothing else that will do! Please come and save me from myself! I don't know what else to pray anymore - I need YOU! I know this is in the way! I know I am supposed to pray and seek you before I eat anything and I just can't remember - no matter how many times I start over - I still have to start again! When will there be change? Jesus this is an idol I just don't want, but it feels like a rock chained to my neck - please help! Please show up!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Restless legs
I have been praying about what my restless leg syndrome means. Like I have mentioned before from reading Andrew Murray's Divine Healing ... everything the Lord gives us - or allows to come into our life is for a purpose. So the restless legs that lead to nights of insomnia on bad nights, and crazy flying all over with the covers on the better nights ... has to be for something - just what is it Lord?
As I was praying about it recently and getting up at night to try and walk out a bit of the leg crazies ... the Lord tied together my restless legs with a dream a friend had about me. Here is the gist of her dream:
You had just come back from a prophecy conference or something like that and you were so excited - glowing and beautiful. And you were especially excited about this new way of praying that you had learned. You wanted to show me, so you laid down on the floor and twisted your legs into a crazy but beautiful position. And it was clear that the strength in prayer came from your legs and this crazy beautiful position could not be achieved by human means.
I have no idea what the fullness of this all means but God specifically brought this to mind and said this dream and my restless legs go together somehow.
So I have been praying into that even more - wondering how it fits. Then one night earlier this week as I was struggling to remain asleep during a bought with my restless legs - I half awoke and recognized the time ... 1 am-ish again. I recognized this is around the time I have been waking regularly and I wondered if that time was important... I still don't know... but I wonder if something is happening somewhere around the world at that time that needs prayer... BUT God DID tell me that time in the middle of the night is training me for something. I definitely heard that I am being trained. Hmmm but for what exactly? Still don't know.
Then last night I woke up again at 1 am-ish and this time I just started praying ... asking God what I am praying for? - what does all this mean? WELL, then I had some crazy dreams about being a rescuer and heard the phrase 'setting captives free'... and heard the word/phrase P.O.W. In one part of the dream that I can remember I was leading a rescue in broad daylight on a children's brothel in some asian country ... dressed in a geisha-like robe and I could tell I was full of the Spirit and unafraid of anyone getting in my way because they were too afraid of the Lord. Sooo crazy stuff - right?
When I awoke this morning, I remembered this verse that I read from Isaiah the night before and found it in 61: 1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
To all who mourn in Zion,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
Still praying ... we will see what happens tonight.
As I was praying about it recently and getting up at night to try and walk out a bit of the leg crazies ... the Lord tied together my restless legs with a dream a friend had about me. Here is the gist of her dream:
You had just come back from a prophecy conference or something like that and you were so excited - glowing and beautiful. And you were especially excited about this new way of praying that you had learned. You wanted to show me, so you laid down on the floor and twisted your legs into a crazy but beautiful position. And it was clear that the strength in prayer came from your legs and this crazy beautiful position could not be achieved by human means.
I have no idea what the fullness of this all means but God specifically brought this to mind and said this dream and my restless legs go together somehow.
So I have been praying into that even more - wondering how it fits. Then one night earlier this week as I was struggling to remain asleep during a bought with my restless legs - I half awoke and recognized the time ... 1 am-ish again. I recognized this is around the time I have been waking regularly and I wondered if that time was important... I still don't know... but I wonder if something is happening somewhere around the world at that time that needs prayer... BUT God DID tell me that time in the middle of the night is training me for something. I definitely heard that I am being trained. Hmmm but for what exactly? Still don't know.
Then last night I woke up again at 1 am-ish and this time I just started praying ... asking God what I am praying for? - what does all this mean? WELL, then I had some crazy dreams about being a rescuer and heard the phrase 'setting captives free'... and heard the word/phrase P.O.W. In one part of the dream that I can remember I was leading a rescue in broad daylight on a children's brothel in some asian country ... dressed in a geisha-like robe and I could tell I was full of the Spirit and unafraid of anyone getting in my way because they were too afraid of the Lord. Sooo crazy stuff - right?
When I awoke this morning, I remembered this verse that I read from Isaiah the night before and found it in 61: 1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
To all who mourn in Zion,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
Still praying ... we will see what happens tonight.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
food again
I struggle with food.
I have a food addiction.
I have a sloooow metabolism.
Exercise is not my favorite.
Thus ... I am on a diet again. Almost 4 years after I began to lose weight I had almost gained back all of it I had lost ... just 2 pounds shy. UGGG!
Can I just say what a love/hate relationship I have with food. I love the taste! The smells! Enjoying it at parties, trying new things, eating out, eating in, eating with friends! I love healthy food, junk food - though less so now than I used to! - dessert, breakfast with bacon and good-night snacks. There is very little I don't like when it comes to food... mushrooms and water chestnuts make that list!... BUT here is the thing ... I LOVE JESUS MORE.
I don't want an idol in my life. Especially now that I am reading Isaiah and all through the middle part is a consistent rant from the Lord. 'You love your stupid idols more than me - ME, the Creator of the whole Universe - ME, who put the stars in the heavens - ME, who loves you with an everlasting and perfect love! And yet you choose stupid, man made, fake, small, can't speak, can't eat, can't do anything but fall over - gods.'
Honestly, that really is stupid.
So even though I would love to blow off this whole idea of dieting again (especially now when it is extra hard since we moved and are having dinners with new people left and right) ... I simply can't ignore what God is calling me to - again. Not when HIS JOY is the thing I say I want most, not when I say I want His presence more than anything, not when I am asking for Him to increase my gift of prophecy, not when I am asking Him what it means to abide everyday! Because ignoring the one thing He is asking me to shed off - the idol that needs to go - and saying I want all this great stuff from Him - is me being really stupid.
So I am listening. Food has got to go - again.
I can't say all my motivations are pure ... in fact as I prayed the other day as God was impressing this on me again ... I said OK God - I will do this but mostly I want to be pretty - and fit in my clothes again, secondly, I want to be healthy ... and last on my list is a desire to be obedient. It is what it is ... please work on me.
There is a lot of stupid in us creatures.
I have a food addiction.
I have a sloooow metabolism.
Exercise is not my favorite.
Thus ... I am on a diet again. Almost 4 years after I began to lose weight I had almost gained back all of it I had lost ... just 2 pounds shy. UGGG!
Can I just say what a love/hate relationship I have with food. I love the taste! The smells! Enjoying it at parties, trying new things, eating out, eating in, eating with friends! I love healthy food, junk food - though less so now than I used to! - dessert, breakfast with bacon and good-night snacks. There is very little I don't like when it comes to food... mushrooms and water chestnuts make that list!... BUT here is the thing ... I LOVE JESUS MORE.
I don't want an idol in my life. Especially now that I am reading Isaiah and all through the middle part is a consistent rant from the Lord. 'You love your stupid idols more than me - ME, the Creator of the whole Universe - ME, who put the stars in the heavens - ME, who loves you with an everlasting and perfect love! And yet you choose stupid, man made, fake, small, can't speak, can't eat, can't do anything but fall over - gods.'
Honestly, that really is stupid.
So even though I would love to blow off this whole idea of dieting again (especially now when it is extra hard since we moved and are having dinners with new people left and right) ... I simply can't ignore what God is calling me to - again. Not when HIS JOY is the thing I say I want most, not when I say I want His presence more than anything, not when I am asking for Him to increase my gift of prophecy, not when I am asking Him what it means to abide everyday! Because ignoring the one thing He is asking me to shed off - the idol that needs to go - and saying I want all this great stuff from Him - is me being really stupid.
So I am listening. Food has got to go - again.
I can't say all my motivations are pure ... in fact as I prayed the other day as God was impressing this on me again ... I said OK God - I will do this but mostly I want to be pretty - and fit in my clothes again, secondly, I want to be healthy ... and last on my list is a desire to be obedient. It is what it is ... please work on me.
There is a lot of stupid in us creatures.
Monday, July 29, 2013
the usuals
It's amazing that as soon as you start doing something new how all your insecurities start flying around. PMS does not help this issue at all ... and it feels like a doozy this month. The tape in my head sounds like this...
You're not pretty enough!
You're too fat!
None of your clothes fit!
What are you going to say?
Why would anyone want to know you?
Why would anyone care what you say?
How am I going to do this?
What's this going to be like? and do I want it?
This is too hard!
Why am I not loving enough?
I wish my flesh was nicer!
I want to eat everything in sight!
Food is comfort!
on and on and on and on and on ....
I wish I could say I rebuked the enemy right away "Get Thee Behind Me, Satan!" But too much of me thinks I DESERVE to hear those things! Yup in my flesh - I AM NOTHING!
But in JESUS - HE IS EVERYTHING! And I am in HIM - and He is in ME ...
He is beautiful ... I am beautiful.
The Spirit will teach me everything I need to say in the moment that I need it.
People need to know Jesus ... and He speaks through me ... I am His eyes, ears, hands, and feet ... If I don't tell them - who will?
Fear is from the enemy ... Jesus doesn't give me a Spirit of fear, but of power, love and self discipline,
and when we fear we are not being perfected in God's love...
My flesh doesn't need to be nice ... because I should be letting the Spirit flow through me ... He is ALWAYS loving.... so I can be loving too.
And food is just one of many blessings from the Lord ... Jesus is comfort and life.
Why does it always take so long to come to my senses! Newness is hard ... new people, new place, new church, new everything ... but It can be exciting too if I would just let Jesus in and through me! He will show me how to love, and be soft, and friendly, and feel as I should ... I should feel loved, and free, and full ... that is His offering - Jesus I want to trade in my crap for all of that good stuff.
Forgive me for being blind - again. For believing all the lies of the enemy - again. Keep my eyes on Jesus ... Keep my mind at peace with you ... let your love flow out of me. Let the usuals be nothing ... come and be everything.
You're not pretty enough!
You're too fat!
None of your clothes fit!
What are you going to say?
Why would anyone want to know you?
Why would anyone care what you say?
How am I going to do this?
What's this going to be like? and do I want it?
This is too hard!
Why am I not loving enough?
I wish my flesh was nicer!
I want to eat everything in sight!
Food is comfort!
on and on and on and on and on ....
I wish I could say I rebuked the enemy right away "Get Thee Behind Me, Satan!" But too much of me thinks I DESERVE to hear those things! Yup in my flesh - I AM NOTHING!
But in JESUS - HE IS EVERYTHING! And I am in HIM - and He is in ME ...
He is beautiful ... I am beautiful.
The Spirit will teach me everything I need to say in the moment that I need it.
People need to know Jesus ... and He speaks through me ... I am His eyes, ears, hands, and feet ... If I don't tell them - who will?
Fear is from the enemy ... Jesus doesn't give me a Spirit of fear, but of power, love and self discipline,
and when we fear we are not being perfected in God's love...
My flesh doesn't need to be nice ... because I should be letting the Spirit flow through me ... He is ALWAYS loving.... so I can be loving too.
And food is just one of many blessings from the Lord ... Jesus is comfort and life.
Why does it always take so long to come to my senses! Newness is hard ... new people, new place, new church, new everything ... but It can be exciting too if I would just let Jesus in and through me! He will show me how to love, and be soft, and friendly, and feel as I should ... I should feel loved, and free, and full ... that is His offering - Jesus I want to trade in my crap for all of that good stuff.
Forgive me for being blind - again. For believing all the lies of the enemy - again. Keep my eyes on Jesus ... Keep my mind at peace with you ... let your love flow out of me. Let the usuals be nothing ... come and be everything.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
joy
So since the Women's retreat at the beginning of June, I felt the Lord bring to the forefront something that He had in the background of my attention in the midst of all of my busyness throughout the Spring - JOY.
I hadn't really realized that joy was a particular issue in my life ... but I just reread a few older posts from earlier in the year and I would say now - that is exactly what my problem is. My constant struggle to find rest, and peace, my head above the storms of life, my eyes fixed on the grand vision of Jesus is in fact all a quest for joy. But I didn't really get that until now.
All throughout the Spring The Lord was very present ... I felt Him near though in a way that says 'I am here' - even though you can't really experience me. So I kept wondering why when I really needed to give something away - a word from the Lord to someone in need - He was right there on my lips - speaking through my voice, but I couldn't ever feel Him. Why did it seem He was present for everyone else but for me? It didn't seem to make sense. I had a conversation with a friend one day outside my former house right before we left and she asked me why I thought that was. I honestly had no answer but when I reflected on a vision the Lord gave me in the fall last year of His love - His omnipresent love everywhere available to us if we would just be an open door that lets Him flow through ... I realized as I spoke it then that a door is not a receptacle, not a vessel for holding anything. If I am just a door and not a container - how can I be filled up with HIs presence? BUT the question is - why do I believe that? - my answer is still - 'I have no idea'.
In the midst of all the revelations that God showed me last week... The Lord was also teaching me about joy. A couple of days after the vulture and neck and feet, He gave me some insight and of course everything is all tied together. The reverse pride - keeps me from just keeping my eyes on Jesus - (because they are focused on me) and thanking Him and praising Him for all that He has done - all that I KNOW He will do.
A few weeks ago I did a brief study on joy in Biblegateway. I read through all the verses that use the word joy in the Bible. I realized that in the Bible there were really only a few things that were spoken of in regards to joy ... festivals to the Lord - times to remember and be thankful, obedience brings joy, thankfulness, and God's presence brings joy as it says in Psalm 16:11,
You will show me the way of life,
granting me the joy of your presence
and the pleasures of living with you forever.
As I read through all those verses nothing hit me in my heart as something God was highlighting - probably because I sort of already knew this... but this exercise spelled it out clearly. And honestly, I struggle with many of those things. All the gentle, soft, beautiful qualities that can occur naturally in some - just don't seem to occur naturally in me - if they come out, they all come out because of the Holy Spirit (that may be slightly harsh on myself - but generally I think true - I am just a really rough around the edges kinda gal). But anyway, it led to the next part....
So that whole neck and feet - revealing the pride and stubbornness - going ahead of God problem - -
allowed me to get in step with The Lord... and then He gave me this insight about joy - joy is in His presence and to be in His presence you need a PURE HEART.
So God gave me those 2 words but I wish I could remember what verse I started this out on, (perhaps in Isaiah which I have been reading?) but I didn't write it down when I first got the stream from the Lord. But then I remembered Matthew 5 and the Beatitudes 'Blessed are the pure in heart for THEY SHALL SEE GOD. Presence.
Then Psalm 24: 3-6
Who may climb the mountain of the Lord?
Who may stand in his holy place?
Only those whose hands and hearts are pure,
who do not worship idols
and never tell lies.
They will receive the Lord’s blessing
and have a right relationship with God their savior.
Such people may seek you
and worship in your presence, O God of Jacob.
And a bunch of others I did write down as I started searching... Lev 9: 22-24, Psalm 16 :11, Ps 21:6, Ps 68:3-4, Ps 89:15-17, Acts 2:28, 1 Thess 3:9, Jude 24
JOY comes from a pure heart and hands ... holiness ... thats how you get into the presence of the Lord - and His presence IS JOY.... hmmm.... now ok I know I am not holy... feel like I already know that too - so what's next Lord? I keep pressing in ... but now I am TRYING to wait for His lead.
vuture, neck, feet, and legs
Remember a post from way back in January (actually it is only a few posts ago because I didn't write all through the Spring) ... about my neck and feet ... Well God has revealed to me what that meant! Last week was full of crazy stuff from the Lord some of which I will be able to share here - and some not. The neck and feet thing came after a revelation about the vulture 'omen' I had 2 years ago. I know I posted about it - so feel free to dig around and find it if you are curious. Anyway, the Lord revealed who the vulture is and what it all meant... which I can not reveal here. But what I can say is that the Lord provided a warning and then some very specific actions to take so that I and others could see the Lord at work revealing something unseen. There is still much to be confirmed but everything with the Lord takes waiting on Him ... so that is what we do now ... wait.
But the neck and feet thing ... came from a desire to understand the Lord's discipline in these 2 areas. I read Andrew Murray's Divine Healing some time last year and began to realize that all that we experience - whether good or bad - sick or healthy - is for a purpose. So I began to wonder what purpose my constant neck pain had. And then my feet began to cause me serious pain and I had to stop working out - why God? When you know this is an area I struggle in already would you make it harder to work out? So I began to pray into that - I began to study verses in scripture about my neck and feet. The Lord brought to my mind an older way the Bible describes stubborn which is 'stiff-necked'.... hmmm. So I am stubborn? - yes I realize that I am... but in what way am I stubborn? I didn't know ... until now.
God just brought all of this stuff flooding into my mind and said that ... my stiff neck is shown in my desire to stubbornly try to figure out my sin block - on my own is the key here - and thus become too self focused, too inward and this causes what Piper calls reverse pride. Generally pride is thought of as being puffed up and arrogant, making yourself seem bigger than you are. But really pride is a form of self-absorption - thinking I can do whatever I need, for myself. Whether that be outwardly - pushing yourself out toward the world to get it by seeming more important than you are - or inwardly pushing yourself to roominate too much on self to find your answers. For some reason the latter is my tendency - it is my natural fleshly way. I just have to be able to wrap my brain around the 'why' of my sin before I can trust God to just take care of it, and reveal the 'why' of it to me.
And then the feet ... He said my feet always want to walk ahead of Him ... taking the lead - going where He has not led ... and it stems from this need of mine to stubbornly figure out and fix my sin on my own.
Both are obviously wrong, both are obviously not what I want... but how to change? Ahh... the great work of confession saves the day again! What a great thing we have from Jesus to be able to walk into the light and confess our sin and trade it in for the good stuff. We can boldly approach the throne of grace and ask God for the things we need! Praise Jesus for the great exchange!
Father God, I confess that I am full of pride, thinking I can figure out my own deceitful heart and fix it on my own. How wrong I am! I also confess my desire to run ahead of where you are leading ... what a dangerous place to be when I choose not to wait on You and Your timing! Please forgive my sin - wipe it away as far as the east is from the west and fill me instead with humility and patience. Help me to wait on you for the 'why', help me to let you reveal my heart. Help me to know that You are the one who will keep me from falling in this area again and to keep my eyes fully fixed on You.
God just brought all of this stuff flooding into my mind and said that ... my stiff neck is shown in my desire to stubbornly try to figure out my sin block - on my own is the key here - and thus become too self focused, too inward and this causes what Piper calls reverse pride. Generally pride is thought of as being puffed up and arrogant, making yourself seem bigger than you are. But really pride is a form of self-absorption - thinking I can do whatever I need, for myself. Whether that be outwardly - pushing yourself out toward the world to get it by seeming more important than you are - or inwardly pushing yourself to roominate too much on self to find your answers. For some reason the latter is my tendency - it is my natural fleshly way. I just have to be able to wrap my brain around the 'why' of my sin before I can trust God to just take care of it, and reveal the 'why' of it to me.
And then the feet ... He said my feet always want to walk ahead of Him ... taking the lead - going where He has not led ... and it stems from this need of mine to stubbornly figure out and fix my sin on my own.
Both are obviously wrong, both are obviously not what I want... but how to change? Ahh... the great work of confession saves the day again! What a great thing we have from Jesus to be able to walk into the light and confess our sin and trade it in for the good stuff. We can boldly approach the throne of grace and ask God for the things we need! Praise Jesus for the great exchange!
Father God, I confess that I am full of pride, thinking I can figure out my own deceitful heart and fix it on my own. How wrong I am! I also confess my desire to run ahead of where you are leading ... what a dangerous place to be when I choose not to wait on You and Your timing! Please forgive my sin - wipe it away as far as the east is from the west and fill me instead with humility and patience. Help me to wait on you for the 'why', help me to let you reveal my heart. Help me to know that You are the one who will keep me from falling in this area again and to keep my eyes fully fixed on You.
Now if I only knew what the restless legs are for!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
highlights
The call to move has been rolling in from the Lord in pieces for the last 2 years. And now the moving is happening. My family and I are moving from upstate New York to central Florida. The process of leaving everything we have known and help build in our church, our home that we have brought 3 children into - leaving it now seems like a crazy dream. It seems like a vacation except we are never going back 'home' when we are done. BUT it is God's good plan and I am excited to see what is next ... how can it not be good when the calling to leave was so clearly GOD... you just can't help but say - yes.
I have told and retold the story of our moving so many times that it seems redundant to retell it here. BUT there are a couple of highlights that I want to record.
In all the ups and downs of this process ... wondering what God was doing, where He was leading us, waiting and endless waiting ... as soon as He spoke to me 2 years ago in the Fall - when our basement had collapsed - that I was only going to be living there for 2 more years ... I never once doubted that we were going to move this summer. God just gifted me the faith to believe that His word on this WAS/IS true. I think that is amazing. I am grateful for that gift ... and it came in handy as an encouragement to my husband and others on many occasions. Faith in God's word ... whether scripture (which should be preeminent) or given through the Spirit ... is a rock solid place to stand when everything else seems so uncertain - so unknown.
We have so many promises in scripture ... so many things to stand on ... why not ask God to make even more promises come alive in our hearts. Make those crazy things we read that Jesus says ... actually be true in us too. Like we will do even greater works than He did!?... that we can be one with Jesus?!, that the Spirit can cause our hearts to overflow with love, and joy and peace, and patience etc... that IS all for US! Amazing.
The other thing that has amazed me - just how much The Lord asked me to do up until the very end! Way back in December I felt like God had released me from the mission He had me one for the last couple of years. I had been set out to pray - pray for massive things to change at our church, for the Spirit to move afresh, for darkness to be put down, for sin to be repented of ... the list goes on! But when He removed that burden and gave me a break in December and January ... it was hard to let go of all of that! Because that work, though hard, felt awesome - felt right to be a part of! He told me it was a vacation time - a time of rest, but I didn't like it - and I didn't want what I didn't understand.
Then God stripped down a massive wall in our church - a huge stumbling block - a man in sin. And when that was revealed ... I could see my great need for that time of rest, but I didn't take it when I was given that chance ... I missed the blessing of calm before major storms ahead. And then so much more than just that storm was coming... there were decisions about moving, decisions about our house, there was TONS of counseling, planning the women's retreat, my father nearly dying from congestive heart failure and then later a major surgery, interviewing, travel, family visits, showing the house, packing, saying a thousand goodbyes, and moving. That list looks so small now ... but NONE of it it felt small - NONE of it IS small!
But in all that was hard ... Jesus was there. He was present. He was teaching me to abide. Teaching me to need Him. Teaching me to desperately need Him. Need Him every second, every breath. It was so hard but so good.
Both of these things are things I want to remember - that I want to keep living in. I want to LIVE in God's promises - residing on that ROCK ... and I want to always remember just how desperately I need Jesus - every second, every breath.
I have told and retold the story of our moving so many times that it seems redundant to retell it here. BUT there are a couple of highlights that I want to record.
In all the ups and downs of this process ... wondering what God was doing, where He was leading us, waiting and endless waiting ... as soon as He spoke to me 2 years ago in the Fall - when our basement had collapsed - that I was only going to be living there for 2 more years ... I never once doubted that we were going to move this summer. God just gifted me the faith to believe that His word on this WAS/IS true. I think that is amazing. I am grateful for that gift ... and it came in handy as an encouragement to my husband and others on many occasions. Faith in God's word ... whether scripture (which should be preeminent) or given through the Spirit ... is a rock solid place to stand when everything else seems so uncertain - so unknown.
We have so many promises in scripture ... so many things to stand on ... why not ask God to make even more promises come alive in our hearts. Make those crazy things we read that Jesus says ... actually be true in us too. Like we will do even greater works than He did!?... that we can be one with Jesus?!, that the Spirit can cause our hearts to overflow with love, and joy and peace, and patience etc... that IS all for US! Amazing.
The other thing that has amazed me - just how much The Lord asked me to do up until the very end! Way back in December I felt like God had released me from the mission He had me one for the last couple of years. I had been set out to pray - pray for massive things to change at our church, for the Spirit to move afresh, for darkness to be put down, for sin to be repented of ... the list goes on! But when He removed that burden and gave me a break in December and January ... it was hard to let go of all of that! Because that work, though hard, felt awesome - felt right to be a part of! He told me it was a vacation time - a time of rest, but I didn't like it - and I didn't want what I didn't understand.
Then God stripped down a massive wall in our church - a huge stumbling block - a man in sin. And when that was revealed ... I could see my great need for that time of rest, but I didn't take it when I was given that chance ... I missed the blessing of calm before major storms ahead. And then so much more than just that storm was coming... there were decisions about moving, decisions about our house, there was TONS of counseling, planning the women's retreat, my father nearly dying from congestive heart failure and then later a major surgery, interviewing, travel, family visits, showing the house, packing, saying a thousand goodbyes, and moving. That list looks so small now ... but NONE of it it felt small - NONE of it IS small!
But in all that was hard ... Jesus was there. He was present. He was teaching me to abide. Teaching me to need Him. Teaching me to desperately need Him. Need Him every second, every breath. It was so hard but so good.
Both of these things are things I want to remember - that I want to keep living in. I want to LIVE in God's promises - residing on that ROCK ... and I want to always remember just how desperately I need Jesus - every second, every breath.
Friday, June 21, 2013
please
There is so much that I could share about the last 4 to 5 months. I could just start letting it all stream out of me in a ridiculous array of crazy ... but I don't think that is how the Lord wants this story told. So it will come, as it comes. These last months have been overwhelming - so overwhelming. BUT Jesus has been in the middle of all of it - teaching me to abide - teaching me to be obedient - teaching me about His healing - teaching me to rest in Him and to go where He leads. It has been a time of putting feet to all that He has been teaching me for the last few years.
I am getting to the end of time at my current church. We are moving next week. It is hard to absorb.
Grieving and excitement are a hard combination. But none-the-less that is how I continually feel. Excited for the new adventure God is sending us on and so sad to leave what He has built through us. Excited to catch fresh vision, and sad to leave all that is being newly revealed here. Exited to see who God has for us to meet and minister to, but sad to leave dear friends who I love and still want to be in their daily lives. It's a ripping, a tearing apart. BUT it is also God's plan and His Kingdom.
I sense a newness ... around the corner not just of place and people, but in me. God getting ready to reveal new things - new ideas - new areas of my heart - that need to be given over. And that idea is really amazing. It is this that keeps me pressing ahead even when it is scary, even when ALL of the unknown seems too big. God's faithfulness never stops, His love never fails, His grace is always available.
Let me stay wide open, Lord, wide open to the work You want to do in me, my marriage - with my kids .... let me hold everything lightly - and please - Let me see YOU clear. And please let me feel the joy of your presence - your love overflowing once again.
I am getting to the end of time at my current church. We are moving next week. It is hard to absorb.
Grieving and excitement are a hard combination. But none-the-less that is how I continually feel. Excited for the new adventure God is sending us on and so sad to leave what He has built through us. Excited to catch fresh vision, and sad to leave all that is being newly revealed here. Exited to see who God has for us to meet and minister to, but sad to leave dear friends who I love and still want to be in their daily lives. It's a ripping, a tearing apart. BUT it is also God's plan and His Kingdom.
I sense a newness ... around the corner not just of place and people, but in me. God getting ready to reveal new things - new ideas - new areas of my heart - that need to be given over. And that idea is really amazing. It is this that keeps me pressing ahead even when it is scary, even when ALL of the unknown seems too big. God's faithfulness never stops, His love never fails, His grace is always available.
Let me stay wide open, Lord, wide open to the work You want to do in me, my marriage - with my kids .... let me hold everything lightly - and please - Let me see YOU clear. And please let me feel the joy of your presence - your love overflowing once again.
Monday, January 28, 2013
waiting
Eve's curse and promise - a seed that will crush Satan ... Jesus came about 4,000 years later.
.... she had Able and then Seth in the mean time.
Noah waited 120 years before the flood.
Abraham's promise was land, seed, and a nation ... Isaac came 25 years later. The nation - 250 years, the land - around 400 years, and the faithful nation 4,000 years later.
Joseph had to wait 22 years before he saw his dreams brought to reality.
The Israelites were in Egypt for 400 years until the Lord sent Moses.
They wandered for 40 years.
Hannah had to wait many years for her prayers to have a child.
David had to wait more than 20 years until He was able to take his rightful place on the throne.
The Israelites were exiled to Babylon for 80 years before they returned to the land.
There was 400 years between Malachi and John the Baptist.
From Jesus until now more than 2,000 years.
Hebrews 11: 3-16, 32-40
3 All these people were still living by faith when they died.
They did not receive the things promised;
they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance,
admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth.
14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.
39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.
I confess I suck at waiting. If I had lived in one of the long periods of 400 years of waiting - I think I would have given up on the Lord. I am waiting on promises from the Lord, but I am really realizing that I may never see them here in the land of the living. And if I do see them they may take a long time to get here. I confess I am extremely discouraged by this. I have been lashing out at God calling Him stingy and generally feeling faithless. I do not want to stay in this place but I am needing God to come and fill me with faith once again. I have just today begun to confess my unbelief as sin ... so we will see what the Lord does with me.
.... she had Able and then Seth in the mean time.
Noah waited 120 years before the flood.
Abraham's promise was land, seed, and a nation ... Isaac came 25 years later. The nation - 250 years, the land - around 400 years, and the faithful nation 4,000 years later.
Joseph had to wait 22 years before he saw his dreams brought to reality.
The Israelites were in Egypt for 400 years until the Lord sent Moses.
They wandered for 40 years.
Hannah had to wait many years for her prayers to have a child.
David had to wait more than 20 years until He was able to take his rightful place on the throne.
The Israelites were exiled to Babylon for 80 years before they returned to the land.
There was 400 years between Malachi and John the Baptist.
From Jesus until now more than 2,000 years.
Hebrews 11: 3-16, 32-40
3 All these people were still living by faith when they died.
They did not receive the things promised;
they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance,
admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth.
14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.
39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.
I confess I suck at waiting. If I had lived in one of the long periods of 400 years of waiting - I think I would have given up on the Lord. I am waiting on promises from the Lord, but I am really realizing that I may never see them here in the land of the living. And if I do see them they may take a long time to get here. I confess I am extremely discouraged by this. I have been lashing out at God calling Him stingy and generally feeling faithless. I do not want to stay in this place but I am needing God to come and fill me with faith once again. I have just today begun to confess my unbelief as sin ... so we will see what the Lord does with me.
neck and feet
NECK
Acts 7:51
“You stiff-necked people! Your hearts and ears are still uncircumcised. You are just like your ancestors: You always resist the Holy Spirit!
2 Chronicles 36:13
He also rebelled against King Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him take an oath in God’s name. He became stiff-necked and hardened his heart and would not turn to the Lord, the God of Israel.
Nehemiah 9:17
They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery. But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them,
FEET
1 Samuel 2:9
He will guard the feet of his faithful servants, but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.“It is not by strength that one prevails;
2 Samuel 22:34
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights.
2 Samuel 22:37
You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way.
2 Kings 21:8
I will not again make the feet of the Israelites wander from the land I gave their ancestors, if only they will be careful to do everything I commanded them and will keep the whole Law that my servant Moses gave them.”
Nehemiah 9:21
For forty years you sustained them in the wilderness; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen.
Psalm 25:15
My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Isaiah 52:7
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, “Your God reigns!”
Jeremiah 14:10
This is what the Lord says about this people:“They greatly love to wander; they do not restrain their feet. So the Lord does not accept them; he will now remember their wickedness and punish them for their sins.”
John 13:6
He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
“Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”
Acts 7:51
“You stiff-necked people! Your hearts and ears are still uncircumcised. You are just like your ancestors: You always resist the Holy Spirit!
2 Chronicles 36:13
He also rebelled against King Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him take an oath in God’s name. He became stiff-necked and hardened his heart and would not turn to the Lord, the God of Israel.
Nehemiah 9:17
They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery. But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them,
FEET
1 Samuel 2:9
He will guard the feet of his faithful servants, but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.“It is not by strength that one prevails;
2 Samuel 22:34
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights.
2 Samuel 22:37
You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way.
2 Kings 21:8
I will not again make the feet of the Israelites wander from the land I gave their ancestors, if only they will be careful to do everything I commanded them and will keep the whole Law that my servant Moses gave them.”
Nehemiah 9:21
For forty years you sustained them in the wilderness; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen.
Psalm 25:15
My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Isaiah 52:7
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, “Your God reigns!”
Jeremiah 14:10
This is what the Lord says about this people:“They greatly love to wander; they do not restrain their feet. So the Lord does not accept them; he will now remember their wickedness and punish them for their sins.”
John 13:6
He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”
Hebrews 12:13
“Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
“Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
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