hunger

Food.

Everyday it comes down to food for me. Did I do well today? What did I eat that I shouldn't have? What can I eat? Should I eat? What should I eat, Lord?

I am so damn sick of the whole thing. Sick of this sin - sick of me in this sin.

This past fall I had really hoped to learn from the Lord what I need to be free. And that was after the Spring and Lent when I thought the Lord would free me. Then after Spring I had summer - the summer of indulging in whatever I wanted - revealing that I have made little to no progress in this sin struggle.

The Spring was fasting and Lent ... praying through my need and learning to trust the Lord. Then for some reason taking the summer off seemed okay at the time. It wasn't.

The Fall was praying through spiritual warfare prayer and learning about strongholds and generational sin etc... helpful in understanding, but I am still wondering what the practical day to day looks like.

This morning I felt so frustrated. There is a really big part of me that wants to throw in the towel along with all my smaller clothes and give in to the new old me. I am sick of thinking about it - fighting it everyday. I want to eat. I love food. I am hungry all the time. I don't want restrictions - I want to eat whatever and have it not matter! Just to be. Just to enjoy. Just to relax.

But I want my cake and to eat it too.

Because the other part of me wants to be godly. I really want this sin killed in me. I want to be healthy and serve the Lord and be the right weight for me. I want everything in me to sing praises to Jesus and to be free in Him. Be full on Him. To relax in Him. To enjoy Him.

And this sin feels so in the way.

Here are my 2 natures at war. The flesh wants what it wants without God interfering. And the Spirit wants to be free to serve the Lord in everything.

I feel the Lord calling me to fast ... but it is Christmas time - and it seems so ill-timed. I feel the Lord calling me to accountability to my husband ... but that whole idea sounds really awful. Not because my husband is awful but because it seems better to me to keep it all to myself - accountable only to me. Then I can hide out when I need to. And even if I said I am accountable to the Lord ... I have seen how that all plays out - badly. I feel the Lord calling me to pray more about this - to pray before I eat every time and to be thankful for tiny amounts of tasteless food, and to be thankful just to hunger after Him. But each morning as I recommit to this whole thing again, by the time I make it down to the kitchen I have forgotten again.

Lord where is the keeping power of the Spirit? I need lots of that today and everyday. This war is too much for me. I am tired and my flesh really wants to plunck in front of the TV and just blow off the day and eat whatever delight I dream up.

BUT I know that can not be YOUR desire ...

Please fill me with YOUR unmistakable desires. Change my taste, my eyes, my stomach, my mind - to conform to your will and Your tastes. I want to hunger for You and be filled with Your Spirit to overflowing. This feels so weak in me today, Lord ... but make it what really matters, please I pray.