Food.
Everyday it comes down to food for me. Did I do well today? What did I eat that I shouldn't have? What can I eat? Should I eat? What should I eat, Lord?
I am so damn sick of the whole thing. Sick of this sin - sick of me in this sin.
This past fall I had really hoped to learn from the Lord what I need to be free. And that was after the Spring and Lent when I thought the Lord would free me. Then after Spring I had summer - the summer of indulging in whatever I wanted - revealing that I have made little to no progress in this sin struggle.
The Spring was fasting and Lent ... praying through my need and learning to trust the Lord. Then for some reason taking the summer off seemed okay at the time. It wasn't.
The Fall was praying through spiritual warfare prayer and learning about strongholds and generational sin etc... helpful in understanding, but I am still wondering what the practical day to day looks like.
This morning I felt so frustrated. There is a really big part of me that wants to throw in the towel along with all my smaller clothes and give in to the new old me. I am sick of thinking about it - fighting it everyday. I want to eat. I love food. I am hungry all the time. I don't want restrictions - I want to eat whatever and have it not matter! Just to be. Just to enjoy. Just to relax.
But I want my cake and to eat it too.
Because the other part of me wants to be godly. I really want this sin killed in me. I want to be healthy and serve the Lord and be the right weight for me. I want everything in me to sing praises to Jesus and to be free in Him. Be full on Him. To relax in Him. To enjoy Him.
And this sin feels so in the way.
Here are my 2 natures at war. The flesh wants what it wants without God interfering. And the Spirit wants to be free to serve the Lord in everything.
I feel the Lord calling me to fast ... but it is Christmas time - and it seems so ill-timed. I feel the Lord calling me to accountability to my husband ... but that whole idea sounds really awful. Not because my husband is awful but because it seems better to me to keep it all to myself - accountable only to me. Then I can hide out when I need to. And even if I said I am accountable to the Lord ... I have seen how that all plays out - badly. I feel the Lord calling me to pray more about this - to pray before I eat every time and to be thankful for tiny amounts of tasteless food, and to be thankful just to hunger after Him. But each morning as I recommit to this whole thing again, by the time I make it down to the kitchen I have forgotten again.
Lord where is the keeping power of the Spirit? I need lots of that today and everyday. This war is too much for me. I am tired and my flesh really wants to plunck in front of the TV and just blow off the day and eat whatever delight I dream up.
BUT I know that can not be YOUR desire ...
Please fill me with YOUR unmistakable desires. Change my taste, my eyes, my stomach, my mind - to conform to your will and Your tastes. I want to hunger for You and be filled with Your Spirit to overflowing. This feels so weak in me today, Lord ... but make it what really matters, please I pray.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Philippians 4
This 2 hour block we did as a group. I started us out with a devotional on thankfulness and then I read through Phil 4. For about an hour we each prayed and wrote what the Lord was saying to each of us. The time flew by as it did in each 2 hour block of time we had.
What struck me in the devotional is that thankfulness is beneficial training. And that if I walk on the road of thankfulness, I will find all the delights God has for me. Then it talked about how we can be so distracted by the world that we become darkened. That immediately made me think of Romans 1 ... they would not honor or even give Him thanks ... and they thought up foolish ideas about who God is ... and as a result their minds became dark and confused ... and then they chose to worship creatures rather than the Creator.
So if I forget to be thankful ... I am not honoring God, I begin to believe lies about who God is, I become dark, confused - and focused on me... and to top it all off I worship idols instead of the ONE true God. All from forgetting to be thankful... wow that is a testimony of evil - how it sneaks into the smallest of cracks - the chinks in our armor.
The devotional went on to say that if thankfulness is the rule in my heart ... the scales begin to fall off my eyes - and I can see even more of His glorious riches. And that a life of praise becomes a life filled with miracles taken from the treasure house of God. Wow - I really want that!
So here is what the Lord gave me from Phil 4...
Paul is longing to see friends reconcile. He wants them to be full of joy and to rejoice. I always thought that verse had very little to do with the above verse about the 2 women - but I think it all comes together when he says we need to be considerate because the Lord is coming soon. What does rejoicing have to do with being considerate? Paul wants these women to be considerate and to reconcile soon - because we never know when the Lord will return.
Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.... and these thoughts came ...
- give yourself over to thanks and praise (the O)
- a focus on thanks leads to humility
- thanks takes our eyes off of self and puts it back onto Him
- a memory of growing up - feeling like I could never express my true feelings of beauty, joy, thanks, or beaming excited love ( During prayer - I confessed this sin that I took out of my childhood and asked the Lord to heal me ... it felt so deep - so old and untouched. And asked the Lord to fill me with wonder again and give me a vision of Him High and lifted up and to filled up with thankfulness)
- my flesh feels like it deserves and is entitled
- thanks leads to His glorious storehouse of riches vs 19
Thanks and prayer bring God's peace and peace guards when I am IN Jesus. Focusing on the 'right' things and practice of the 'right' things ... and the God of peace is WITH you. He is with me ... because Jesus is in me ... I will know He is with me because I am doing these things - it is the fruit of the Spirit.
The secret to contentment - Jesus! He gives the strength ... another reason to keep my eyes fixed on Him. God supplies all my needs from His glorious riches. Ephesians 1 - He is head over everything - and the church is His body - made full and complete by Christ ... who fills us with HIMSELF. Eph 3 - infinitely more than we can ask or think! Fullness of life and power!
Why do I ever look anywhere else to be filled? Why do I ever take our eyes off of Him? Lord forgive my smallness - my complete lack of sense - my complete and total self is always focused on me and my desires... teach me to take my eyes off of myself and place them totally on YOU!
What struck me in the devotional is that thankfulness is beneficial training. And that if I walk on the road of thankfulness, I will find all the delights God has for me. Then it talked about how we can be so distracted by the world that we become darkened. That immediately made me think of Romans 1 ... they would not honor or even give Him thanks ... and they thought up foolish ideas about who God is ... and as a result their minds became dark and confused ... and then they chose to worship creatures rather than the Creator.
So if I forget to be thankful ... I am not honoring God, I begin to believe lies about who God is, I become dark, confused - and focused on me... and to top it all off I worship idols instead of the ONE true God. All from forgetting to be thankful... wow that is a testimony of evil - how it sneaks into the smallest of cracks - the chinks in our armor.
The devotional went on to say that if thankfulness is the rule in my heart ... the scales begin to fall off my eyes - and I can see even more of His glorious riches. And that a life of praise becomes a life filled with miracles taken from the treasure house of God. Wow - I really want that!
So here is what the Lord gave me from Phil 4...
Paul is longing to see friends reconcile. He wants them to be full of joy and to rejoice. I always thought that verse had very little to do with the above verse about the 2 women - but I think it all comes together when he says we need to be considerate because the Lord is coming soon. What does rejoicing have to do with being considerate? Paul wants these women to be considerate and to reconcile soon - because we never know when the Lord will return.
Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.... and these thoughts came ...
- give yourself over to thanks and praise (the O)
- a focus on thanks leads to humility
- thanks takes our eyes off of self and puts it back onto Him
- a memory of growing up - feeling like I could never express my true feelings of beauty, joy, thanks, or beaming excited love ( During prayer - I confessed this sin that I took out of my childhood and asked the Lord to heal me ... it felt so deep - so old and untouched. And asked the Lord to fill me with wonder again and give me a vision of Him High and lifted up and to filled up with thankfulness)
- my flesh feels like it deserves and is entitled
- thanks leads to His glorious storehouse of riches vs 19
Thanks and prayer bring God's peace and peace guards when I am IN Jesus. Focusing on the 'right' things and practice of the 'right' things ... and the God of peace is WITH you. He is with me ... because Jesus is in me ... I will know He is with me because I am doing these things - it is the fruit of the Spirit.
The secret to contentment - Jesus! He gives the strength ... another reason to keep my eyes fixed on Him. God supplies all my needs from His glorious riches. Ephesians 1 - He is head over everything - and the church is His body - made full and complete by Christ ... who fills us with HIMSELF. Eph 3 - infinitely more than we can ask or think! Fullness of life and power!
Why do I ever look anywhere else to be filled? Why do I ever take our eyes off of Him? Lord forgive my smallness - my complete lack of sense - my complete and total self is always focused on me and my desires... teach me to take my eyes off of myself and place them totally on YOU!
Philippians 3
Wow - now I am a bit lost!
Put no confidence in human effort! Rely only on what Jesus has done for us!
Paul goes on to list off his whole pedigree as the perfect Jew - all his accomplishments - all his accolades. And then he says but I count that all as loss in the view of Christ.
The Lord brought these questions to mind...
What do I need to consider worthless - in light of knowing Christ? What would I say my pedigree is - and why am I still clinging to it? What seems to be worth it still? (I still need to answer this!)
I have no idea what the answers to these questions are - they are new ... and I have nothing...
Then as I continued on in the passage Paul was calling everything garbage and said that it needed to be thrown away! Horders keep trash - but trash needs to be chucked. This is knowing about what is trash - and being willing to let go of it.
Then it goes on to say that our righteousness comes through faith in Christ ... or another way to put it - is that righteousness comes from the faithfulness of Christ. Then it says we have to know Him, experience His mighty resurrection power, suffer with Him - share in His death ... and then we get to attain to the resurrection of the dead. This brought my thoughts to Romans 6 - that we died with Christ - and rose with Him when we were joined with Him through baptism.
But then the Lord took me on a tour of Hebrews. I remembered a verse a friend had shared with me from chapter 5 that she said the Lord had impressed on her for me. I didn't get it then - I am still unsure now - but I am sure the Lord is trying to break thru and show me something! Anyway the verse says that Jesus had to LEARN obedience from the things he suffered. Which made me ask the question - what did Jesus have to LEARN about OBEDIENCE?
The verse right after says that this - that then he was qualified to become the High Priest. I asked is it because he had faced the same tests as us and yet did not sin - as it says in 4:15? Because then He is able to deal gently with us - as it says in 5:2?
Then I read a bunch more of Hebrews ... but before that I went back to Phil 2 and asked is the obedience that he had to learn - Jesus becoming human - becoming a slave? So he had to be a perfect human - so he could be a perfect slave - so He could be the perfect sacrifice - Heb 8:3 and thus the perfect High Priest 8:1-2... then in 10:7 and following it talks all about Jesus coming to do Gods will perfectly and then he is able to sit down beside the Father... - the Father's will was to make us holy - which He accomplished!
This whole tour through Hebrews needs to happen again ... I am just scratching the surface of some great understanding of Jesus as High Priest and what that is supposed to me to me - to us - as believers.
Lord I confess I have been tired and lazy since I got back from the retreat - draw me close again... unfog my mind!
Put no confidence in human effort! Rely only on what Jesus has done for us!
Paul goes on to list off his whole pedigree as the perfect Jew - all his accomplishments - all his accolades. And then he says but I count that all as loss in the view of Christ.
The Lord brought these questions to mind...
What do I need to consider worthless - in light of knowing Christ? What would I say my pedigree is - and why am I still clinging to it? What seems to be worth it still? (I still need to answer this!)
I have no idea what the answers to these questions are - they are new ... and I have nothing...
Then as I continued on in the passage Paul was calling everything garbage and said that it needed to be thrown away! Horders keep trash - but trash needs to be chucked. This is knowing about what is trash - and being willing to let go of it.
Then it goes on to say that our righteousness comes through faith in Christ ... or another way to put it - is that righteousness comes from the faithfulness of Christ. Then it says we have to know Him, experience His mighty resurrection power, suffer with Him - share in His death ... and then we get to attain to the resurrection of the dead. This brought my thoughts to Romans 6 - that we died with Christ - and rose with Him when we were joined with Him through baptism.
But then the Lord took me on a tour of Hebrews. I remembered a verse a friend had shared with me from chapter 5 that she said the Lord had impressed on her for me. I didn't get it then - I am still unsure now - but I am sure the Lord is trying to break thru and show me something! Anyway the verse says that Jesus had to LEARN obedience from the things he suffered. Which made me ask the question - what did Jesus have to LEARN about OBEDIENCE?
The verse right after says that this - that then he was qualified to become the High Priest. I asked is it because he had faced the same tests as us and yet did not sin - as it says in 4:15? Because then He is able to deal gently with us - as it says in 5:2?
Then I read a bunch more of Hebrews ... but before that I went back to Phil 2 and asked is the obedience that he had to learn - Jesus becoming human - becoming a slave? So he had to be a perfect human - so he could be a perfect slave - so He could be the perfect sacrifice - Heb 8:3 and thus the perfect High Priest 8:1-2... then in 10:7 and following it talks all about Jesus coming to do Gods will perfectly and then he is able to sit down beside the Father... - the Father's will was to make us holy - which He accomplished!
This whole tour through Hebrews needs to happen again ... I am just scratching the surface of some great understanding of Jesus as High Priest and what that is supposed to me to me - to us - as believers.
Lord I confess I have been tired and lazy since I got back from the retreat - draw me close again... unfog my mind!
Philippians 2
Wow ... ok where to begin!
If we have all of these great things in Christ ... belonging to Jesus, comfort from His amazing love, fellowship together IN the Holy Spirit, and our hearts are even a little tender and compassionate toward one another ... If we can say yes to these things - yes this is true and I know it even a little then....
We need to be unified in vision, unified in purpose, overflowing with love, giving, pouring out, speaking only from the Spirit, recognizing our place as a humble slave - where everyone else is better and more important, we need to recognize our sinfulness - our smallness ... and give everyone our utmost and genuine care. This should be the results of the above ... is this what is true in my life?
Father - let me confess right now that this is not true of me. Even knowing what humility means was hard for me. I am very focused on me still ... what will I get - what do I need - grabbing for myself - taking anything just to have... It is a protection - I guess I really don't believe that you will exalt me ... and that instead I have to do it for myself that I have to take it for myself. It is not just about things but recognition - being seen - being important - being heard.
Lord - this doesn't even feel real yet - I hear myself saying this - but I haven't even owned it fully yet - I do not see the pain that this causes you - I do not feel the weight of the sin. I want to ask for forgiveness but it feels so premature. It would feel so fake. Awaken me - stir my godly sorrow. Help me to recognize my sinfulness.
And then we see Christ ... we are called to be like Him. Jesus let go of everything - and held onto us.
Jesus let go of His God-ness ... His equality with God. He let go of the infinite, He let go of seeing and knowing everything - and planning all things, His biggness. He had perfection and He let go on purpose!
Jesus let go of His divinity ... His king-ness. He let go of being worshipped and seen. He let go of being exalted and above all.
Instead -
Jesus put on slavery. He became one who obeys, who has no will - who is not seen. He became the body that does the work. The Master speaks - and He listens and does.
Jesus put on human skin. He became finite. He became small. He humbly obeyed everything God commanded. And He died as a misunderstood criminal.
What is humility? I asked again again during these 2 hours? I at first thought it was understanding my sinfulness... perhaps that is a part. Is it being a slave - obeying a master having no will of my own? I looked up other verses to get an idea - pride seemed to be the opposite - one who is puffed up and thinks too much of themselves. Didn't I just describe pride to someone as complete self - absorption ... so then humility is completely others focused - nothing of me - it must all be about others. I become small - they must become much. I must be less, He must be more. I must decrease - He must increase ... but also He increases my love for others - as I love Him more ... the first commandment and the second is just like it... hmmm.
He let go of all of that ... and He became nothing - and then God...
Elevated Him to the place of highest honor ... and gave Him the Name above all names
- so that every knee will bow - all will be humble slaves before the ONE true KING
- and every tongue confess - all will understand His true nature and speak and worship Him as He deserves!!!!
We will not only know how low we are - we will want to become lower. We will not only know Jesus' name but His name will BE the ultimate worship. His name will be recognized and awed by all! His place was restored - and made even higher. His name is restored and made even greater!!!!!!
Luke 14: 7-11
7 Now he told a parable to those who were invited, when he noticed how they chose the places of honor, saying to them, 8 “When you are invited by someone to a wedding feast, do not sit down in a place of honor, lest someone more distinguished than you be invited by him, 9 and he who invited you both will come and say to you, ‘Give your place to this person,’ and then you will begin with shame to take the lowest place. 10 But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when your host comes he may say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at table with you. 11 For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Oh - don't forget the fly! The fly taught me about my absolute smallness. As he was flying again and again at the window and failing again and again to find the outside. And in that brief moment pretending to be 'God' of the fly ... I could see how wrong and small he was - and how much help he needed. Humility is knowing my smallness in comparison of the incomprehensible God. Humility is knowing my insignificance in comparison to the great abundant riches of Jesus!
If we have all of these great things in Christ ... belonging to Jesus, comfort from His amazing love, fellowship together IN the Holy Spirit, and our hearts are even a little tender and compassionate toward one another ... If we can say yes to these things - yes this is true and I know it even a little then....
We need to be unified in vision, unified in purpose, overflowing with love, giving, pouring out, speaking only from the Spirit, recognizing our place as a humble slave - where everyone else is better and more important, we need to recognize our sinfulness - our smallness ... and give everyone our utmost and genuine care. This should be the results of the above ... is this what is true in my life?
Father - let me confess right now that this is not true of me. Even knowing what humility means was hard for me. I am very focused on me still ... what will I get - what do I need - grabbing for myself - taking anything just to have... It is a protection - I guess I really don't believe that you will exalt me ... and that instead I have to do it for myself that I have to take it for myself. It is not just about things but recognition - being seen - being important - being heard.
Lord - this doesn't even feel real yet - I hear myself saying this - but I haven't even owned it fully yet - I do not see the pain that this causes you - I do not feel the weight of the sin. I want to ask for forgiveness but it feels so premature. It would feel so fake. Awaken me - stir my godly sorrow. Help me to recognize my sinfulness.
And then we see Christ ... we are called to be like Him. Jesus let go of everything - and held onto us.
Jesus let go of His God-ness ... His equality with God. He let go of the infinite, He let go of seeing and knowing everything - and planning all things, His biggness. He had perfection and He let go on purpose!
Jesus let go of His divinity ... His king-ness. He let go of being worshipped and seen. He let go of being exalted and above all.
Instead -
Jesus put on slavery. He became one who obeys, who has no will - who is not seen. He became the body that does the work. The Master speaks - and He listens and does.
Jesus put on human skin. He became finite. He became small. He humbly obeyed everything God commanded. And He died as a misunderstood criminal.
What is humility? I asked again again during these 2 hours? I at first thought it was understanding my sinfulness... perhaps that is a part. Is it being a slave - obeying a master having no will of my own? I looked up other verses to get an idea - pride seemed to be the opposite - one who is puffed up and thinks too much of themselves. Didn't I just describe pride to someone as complete self - absorption ... so then humility is completely others focused - nothing of me - it must all be about others. I become small - they must become much. I must be less, He must be more. I must decrease - He must increase ... but also He increases my love for others - as I love Him more ... the first commandment and the second is just like it... hmmm.
He let go of all of that ... and He became nothing - and then God...
Elevated Him to the place of highest honor ... and gave Him the Name above all names
- so that every knee will bow - all will be humble slaves before the ONE true KING
- and every tongue confess - all will understand His true nature and speak and worship Him as He deserves!!!!
We will not only know how low we are - we will want to become lower. We will not only know Jesus' name but His name will BE the ultimate worship. His name will be recognized and awed by all! His place was restored - and made even higher. His name is restored and made even greater!!!!!!
Luke 14: 7-11
7 Now he told a parable to those who were invited, when he noticed how they chose the places of honor, saying to them, 8 “When you are invited by someone to a wedding feast, do not sit down in a place of honor, lest someone more distinguished than you be invited by him, 9 and he who invited you both will come and say to you, ‘Give your place to this person,’ and then you will begin with shame to take the lowest place. 10 But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when your host comes he may say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at table with you. 11 For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Oh - don't forget the fly! The fly taught me about my absolute smallness. As he was flying again and again at the window and failing again and again to find the outside. And in that brief moment pretending to be 'God' of the fly ... I could see how wrong and small he was - and how much help he needed. Humility is knowing my smallness in comparison of the incomprehensible God. Humility is knowing my insignificance in comparison to the great abundant riches of Jesus!
Philippians 1
Paul and Timothy are slaves for Christ.
A slave is not seen - is heard only when needed. A slave is a background doer. Their skin is needed - their body is needed for the doing. In Romans 6 - Paul says that we are slaves of whatever we choose to obey. If we obey sin - we are slaves to death. if we obey God - we become slaves to righteousness. It seems which is the obvious choice - the right choice... and yet I struggle so much to obey. I want to choose to obey God and yet I seem unable to - unable to make even the right choices that would lead to obedience.
The not being seen thing seems to be a theme. I remember a few years ago - You pointing this sin out in me God. That all the changes I wanted You to make in me - all the sin I wanted purged - was not so that your glory and light would be displayed in me - but so that I would shine and be beautiful. I wanted to steal your glory. I feel like You have grown me quite a lot in this area - but still I want to be seen and acknowledged. I want things I have said to be repeated and glorified ... even though I know they are from You - I want to claim them. I want people to see the work I have done and give me praise and thanks. How ugly that is. How small minded I am. What a thief I am.
I confess that sin Lord to You now. Of my pride, of my desire to steal Your glory even still. Of wanting to be seen - instead of You just putting my skin on to be used - instead - I want my skin to be glorified. Forgive me, Father. Cleanse me. I want to want all of the glory for You ... I want to want You to be High and lifted up - to be the SEEN ONE.
Is this why I am still having a problem of catching a vision of You? Am I still standing in the way wanting glory for myself ... how can I fix my eyes on You - if my eyes are still so fixed on me. Push me to the side! Free me from this ugly desire ... and help me to see Your glory - to see you so beyond imagining that I never again question my own need to be seen!
Paul oozes affection for the Philippian people ... gives thanks for them every time he thinks of them - He is filled with joy when he thinks of them. They have a special place in his heart, he loves them, and longs for them. He says this is all comes from the tender compassion of Jesus.
I do not have this kind of love for the people I minister to - my love is more for their holiness. I want to spur them on toward love and good deeds. I want their purity and passion to overflow. My pastor said in a sermon recently that that is the gifting of a prophet - that longing for purity... and I can see that in me. But isn't that Paul's need then to write 1 Cor 13 ... Paul saying what are all these great gifts if we do not have love - are not kind and patient. Am I impatient for them to change? I know I am impatient for me to change - I think I have more patience for them than for myself! I think if anything I am impatient for You to work, Lord. Sometimes your way seems so slow! But I also know that there is nothing I can do but wait on You and Your power to show up. Because I can do nothing. And when I try something on my own it usually turns to a mess.
Paul prays in vs 9 for their love to overflow more and more ... Oh how I need that Lord! Not just for others but for you. I am reminded of the picture of the fountain ... I feel like I read a verse recently like that I just keep picturing in spilling over the edges ... never stopping, it just keeps coming. How I long to be known like that! Do I want to be known as loving for me or You though? I am sure there is some sort of mix. How often I have said that I wish my flesh was sweeter/nicer so that I appeared more loving. So clearly there is some piece of me that longs to be loving all on my own - without You. I think mostly though that is so I stop hurting the people closest to me - like my kids and husband. But there is another part of me that wants them to see You Jesus. I hope that part has a hold of more of me than the first. I want my kids to be dazzled by Jesus -- want to see You as the best part of their life. To see how magnificent you are and to see that they can never truly be happy in this life without knowing and loving You.
I confess to You all parts of me that want to take something for myself Lord. What a thief I am! Forgive me! I see Paul in this passage saying how great it would be for him to stay on earth and keep working - because his life is necessary ... yet at the end of the passage he says that they will take even more pride in CHRIST because of what he is doing in Paul's life. Whatever Paul does - whether he lives or dies - he wants all to HONOR Christ. he doesn't ever seem to want to steal Jesus' glory. He wants Jesus to have it all. Jesus - I want to be like that! I want everything I do - whether I speak or remain silent, whether I go and do - or you call me to stay - whether I get credit or not - I want all for your glory. I want to be in the background - the slave that does your will and whose face shines with the light of Christ!
What deos this mean for me and obedience? What does this mean for the vision of Christ - high and lifted up - you told me to look for ... how does this all tie together?
Be focused on our status as citizens of heaven - our conduct worthy of the gospel of Jesus. Stand side by side - fighting for the faith - of One mind - NOT intimidated by our enemy ... happy to trust in Christ and privleged to suffer for HIM.
A slave is not seen - is heard only when needed. A slave is a background doer. Their skin is needed - their body is needed for the doing. In Romans 6 - Paul says that we are slaves of whatever we choose to obey. If we obey sin - we are slaves to death. if we obey God - we become slaves to righteousness. It seems which is the obvious choice - the right choice... and yet I struggle so much to obey. I want to choose to obey God and yet I seem unable to - unable to make even the right choices that would lead to obedience.
The not being seen thing seems to be a theme. I remember a few years ago - You pointing this sin out in me God. That all the changes I wanted You to make in me - all the sin I wanted purged - was not so that your glory and light would be displayed in me - but so that I would shine and be beautiful. I wanted to steal your glory. I feel like You have grown me quite a lot in this area - but still I want to be seen and acknowledged. I want things I have said to be repeated and glorified ... even though I know they are from You - I want to claim them. I want people to see the work I have done and give me praise and thanks. How ugly that is. How small minded I am. What a thief I am.
I confess that sin Lord to You now. Of my pride, of my desire to steal Your glory even still. Of wanting to be seen - instead of You just putting my skin on to be used - instead - I want my skin to be glorified. Forgive me, Father. Cleanse me. I want to want all of the glory for You ... I want to want You to be High and lifted up - to be the SEEN ONE.
Is this why I am still having a problem of catching a vision of You? Am I still standing in the way wanting glory for myself ... how can I fix my eyes on You - if my eyes are still so fixed on me. Push me to the side! Free me from this ugly desire ... and help me to see Your glory - to see you so beyond imagining that I never again question my own need to be seen!
Paul oozes affection for the Philippian people ... gives thanks for them every time he thinks of them - He is filled with joy when he thinks of them. They have a special place in his heart, he loves them, and longs for them. He says this is all comes from the tender compassion of Jesus.
I do not have this kind of love for the people I minister to - my love is more for their holiness. I want to spur them on toward love and good deeds. I want their purity and passion to overflow. My pastor said in a sermon recently that that is the gifting of a prophet - that longing for purity... and I can see that in me. But isn't that Paul's need then to write 1 Cor 13 ... Paul saying what are all these great gifts if we do not have love - are not kind and patient. Am I impatient for them to change? I know I am impatient for me to change - I think I have more patience for them than for myself! I think if anything I am impatient for You to work, Lord. Sometimes your way seems so slow! But I also know that there is nothing I can do but wait on You and Your power to show up. Because I can do nothing. And when I try something on my own it usually turns to a mess.
Paul prays in vs 9 for their love to overflow more and more ... Oh how I need that Lord! Not just for others but for you. I am reminded of the picture of the fountain ... I feel like I read a verse recently like that I just keep picturing in spilling over the edges ... never stopping, it just keeps coming. How I long to be known like that! Do I want to be known as loving for me or You though? I am sure there is some sort of mix. How often I have said that I wish my flesh was sweeter/nicer so that I appeared more loving. So clearly there is some piece of me that longs to be loving all on my own - without You. I think mostly though that is so I stop hurting the people closest to me - like my kids and husband. But there is another part of me that wants them to see You Jesus. I hope that part has a hold of more of me than the first. I want my kids to be dazzled by Jesus -- want to see You as the best part of their life. To see how magnificent you are and to see that they can never truly be happy in this life without knowing and loving You.
I confess to You all parts of me that want to take something for myself Lord. What a thief I am! Forgive me! I see Paul in this passage saying how great it would be for him to stay on earth and keep working - because his life is necessary ... yet at the end of the passage he says that they will take even more pride in CHRIST because of what he is doing in Paul's life. Whatever Paul does - whether he lives or dies - he wants all to HONOR Christ. he doesn't ever seem to want to steal Jesus' glory. He wants Jesus to have it all. Jesus - I want to be like that! I want everything I do - whether I speak or remain silent, whether I go and do - or you call me to stay - whether I get credit or not - I want all for your glory. I want to be in the background - the slave that does your will and whose face shines with the light of Christ!
What deos this mean for me and obedience? What does this mean for the vision of Christ - high and lifted up - you told me to look for ... how does this all tie together?
Be focused on our status as citizens of heaven - our conduct worthy of the gospel of Jesus. Stand side by side - fighting for the faith - of One mind - NOT intimidated by our enemy ... happy to trust in Christ and privleged to suffer for HIM.
prayer retreat
The next few posts are from the prayer retreat I just led with 6 other women. It was a time full of blessing! The Lord showed up and just poured out.
At one point I was saying that the this year was so different than last year ... and someone asked why. I replied that we were so distracted last year, we all struggled, it was hard to be silent and wait for so long. They asked what the change was ... my reply... the spiritual climate has so changed in the last year. The Spirit is on the move at our church! The Lord is changing hearts, He has broken through, people are waking up! Praise the Lord!
We all had such a fruitful time in the Word - we studied/prayed through the book of Philippians. Three 2 hour blocks of time - to study chapters 1 through 3, an hour of intercession during our lunch hour fast, and a 2 hour block the next day together for chapter 4. The following posts have my thoughts and prayers as they came to me.
At one point I was saying that the this year was so different than last year ... and someone asked why. I replied that we were so distracted last year, we all struggled, it was hard to be silent and wait for so long. They asked what the change was ... my reply... the spiritual climate has so changed in the last year. The Spirit is on the move at our church! The Lord is changing hearts, He has broken through, people are waking up! Praise the Lord!
We all had such a fruitful time in the Word - we studied/prayed through the book of Philippians. Three 2 hour blocks of time - to study chapters 1 through 3, an hour of intercession during our lunch hour fast, and a 2 hour block the next day together for chapter 4. The following posts have my thoughts and prayers as they came to me.
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