This last weekend, I had an intense discussion with my husband about my spiritual state and of course my sex drive. It drives him nuts that they are tied up together - especially because he sees me praying and pursuing the Lord 'more than anyone I know' - as he put it, 'and yet God does not give you what you want.' Then he asked - 'Why wouldn't God want to give you what you want - when what you want is more of Him?'
Surprisingly - I had an answer. The Lord spoke it through me at my recent Bible/book study on Absolute Surrender. I was telling the women about my 'Summer of Jesus' - about the fullness that I felt - the utter completion, joy and worship. And one woman asked 'well then why don't you have that now?' I said that the Lord had removed His presence because I was not ready for it. He gave it to me as a grand, remarkable taste - so that when He removed His presence I would know what I was heading toward every day after ... because He had a hard journey of major purging and pruning to do in me. And He wanted to me to know how amazingly He loves me, and what He wants our relationship to look like in the future. Fullness is available! He has it waiting for us! If we will just let Him strip away all the crap that is in the way!
I realized afresh that night with my husband how much I am longing for God to come and fill me again. We ended up praying together - my husband aloud - but I could not. I was a blubbering mess - pouring out my soul to the Lord for what seemed like forever. I heaved sobs while my husband clung to me. Just telling the Lord how much I missed Him. I realized as I was praying that the Lord has been very present - when I minister to other people. When I am at church, or leading a study, or praying with someone, or counseling them ... and I am glad and grateful for being full of Him for others. I love that... but I realized during that prayer that I want Him to come and fill me up for me and my family.
I have been struggling so much with my sin - food, anger, disobedience ... but what I want is to be filled with the fruit of the spirit... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. This can not be conjured up in the flesh ... no matter how hard I try, my flesh can not do eternal work. And even if my flesh was pretty - like some people I know who seem nice no matter what! - if it is done in the flesh - it is still flesh - it is not pleasing to God - and it is not eternal work.
I want to move and walk in the Spirit - all the time! I want the streams of living water to flow out of me - all that fullness to land on my husband, kids - AND everyone else. I want my face to glow with the glory of Jesus, I want joy, and love to abound in me. I want to rejoice in wild praise. I want to feel His fullness all the time!
And here is the great part ... I know that what I am asking for is what Jesus wants to give me! I am not asking for too much - no way - I asking for just what He has promised! And He has the power to keep it alive in me and growing ... We worship an omnipotent God - almighty - all-powerful! So why would He not provide the power to keep the promises supplied. This IS amazing truth. And we all need to stop expecting so little from our God who promises so much!
Bring it on Jesus - strip whatever you need to off, and fill me up with the streams of living water!
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