HIS WAY

Me and food. This seems like a never ending drama at times. BUT now I am truly hopeful that my struggle is nearing an end.

Since my confession of generational sin a couple weeks ago - things have been lifting. That was a Sunday 2 weeks ago, that Wednesday I prayed with some friends about it all and all the confusion that I had had every time I walked into the kitchen - has lifted. This confusion was so overwhelming that I never knew what was right to eat or not, I could not hear the voice of the Lord clearly, it was always a knotted mess of chaos - 'what about this?, what about that? You should get to eat whatever you want... You should get to have that taste... but you must deny yourself, you must eat only the medifast foods - on and on it went - all at the same time. And in the end I always felt guilty about whatever I ended up eating.

Before that first week at the Spiritual Warfare class I had been attempting Medifast again. It is a medical  fasting program that has worked for me in the past in losing weight - you eat their foods every 3 hours and get to have 1 normal meal of meat and veggies a day. I do want to lose weight - in fact I need to - my clothes do not fit me - and not just some of them - all of them! Over the summer I gained probably 10 or more pounds as I continued feasting on each vacation and even on the weeks in between. So anyway... I tried the medifasting - and I did not lose a pound - not even one. That is unusual - it typically takes off quite a few right away. But not this time - not for me, which is super frustrating when the food is not great and you have to pay a lot for it. This went on for a month.

Then the class - then the confusion lifted - and then the Lord reminded me of His words spoken through me way back in May at a class I was teaching on the Holy Spirit. "What if I want you to know my voice so well, what if I want you to trust me so much that whenever you put food in your mouth - you pray and ask me first - what if I want you to rely on me that much?" I knew it was the Lord speaking to me ... but I was not ready for it then. So that was just before my summer filled with vacations and feasting. And then by the end of summer I knew things needed to change but I wanted to go back to what I knew would work - I wanted to control it all again. But it didn't work - Medifast did not work.

But now I am ready. I am ready to listen to the Lord and follow Him. I am ready to know His voice and listen as He tells me and shows me what to eat at each meal.

My husband was not immediately on board with this idea. It scared him - on my behalf - he knows how much I struggle - how hard it is to not fit any of my clothes... and He hates watching me go through all of that. For me it is like my closet rebukes me each day, and I get to wear my sin on the outside. So he said why not do what we know works and just commit it to the Lord like you have done in the past. But I said that is no longer enough. That IS my problem - committing MY ideas to the Lord for approval and blessing - instead of committing my whole self to the Lord for Him to lead as He sees fit. Just hoping I get His blessing on my thoughts and ideas is not what I want - I want to think His thoughts after Him - I want all of me to be free to follow His ways - His way.

So I have been doing this for the last week and a half or so and I am discovering though that it is still not 'easy'! The confusion is gone and so when I pray - I can hear the Lord telling what I should eat - or sometimes it comes as a picture of my plate. So that is huge - a huge answer to prayer ... the problem is that I do not always obey! Ahhh - the sin nature is still present! So what must I do to obey? I thought at first that it was a matter of exercising my will to obey - but the Lord quickly corrected me and said that I do not have that power within my flesh - It all must come from Him. The desire, the will, the obedience, the ability to hear Him - IT ALL MUST COME FROM HIM! 

Doesn't that make it easy? yes and no... yes because it is all Him - no because then I must let go of the control of the whole thing to Him - let everything be His - and let myself just follow. I am still learning, and sometimes I still forget to pray about what I should eat, sometimes it is hard to stop when I should, sometimes I just disobey even when I know what I should do... But the key here - is that I do not feel guilty! I just feel like a kid learning a new skill - and it takes time, and practice! And I feel like the Lord is looking on with love and compassion and encouragement to keep pressing into Him! It is a wonderful new feeling! And it feels like freedom.