sea sick

Ugh. I truly hate my emotional ups and downs. One day I am charged and ready for a new challenge ... excited to follow God into whatever. The next day - like today - I have thrown in all of those ideals for my own ideas ... like eating whatever, indulging my doubts, and watching too much TV.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

What is to become of me if I continue on this course besides getting sea sick. 

Do I want healing, do I want to be free of this addiction, do I want to know God better - I can honestly say YES! But today my thoughts are dull and it is hard to hear the Lord - to feel Him - and that is when I get lost. I keep praying and He still seems distant ... and then my doubts set in and I follow after the comfortable well-known lies. The lies that are worn in and time-tested - my rut. I keep pursuing the truth - listening to music - but my ears are dull. I read, studied, and prayed until I fell asleep - but my ears are still dull. 

What is the deal, Lord? I already feel sea sick... please break through.