Psalm 13
O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.
But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.
This is how I have been feeling. I didn't know how pent up it was until yesterday. I was watching a movie last night - the kind that seems light hearted going in and does not turn out that way. I was crying - and that opened up a gate in me. I just went downstairs away from everyone and wept. I cried out to God - begging Him to come and be with me. Come and give me all the things He has promised. I want to filled with the Holy Spirit, I want to love with His power. Love my kids with the fruit of the Spirit. I want to know what it means to abide in Him, I want to feel His rest, I want this oppression to lift.
I realized that I am angry with God for taking so long. For making me wait for so long. If these are the things He promises - then why don't I feel like they are present - no matter how much I ask, or how much time I spend with Him, how much I read, or pray, or seek, or press in, confess, shed other sin - why does it still feel so hard to love my family well - love to serve them? Why is eating so hard? Aren't these the things He wants for me?
Then as I was confessing my sin this morning - my demanding Spirit, my lack of patience and faith. I reread this article by Arthur Pink ... about God's power - this always seems to set my heart to it's rightful place.
Here is the link: http://www.pbministries.org/books/pink/Attributes/attrib_09.htm
I have been right where you are, and it is a very tough place to be. I am on the other side of it now, and I can reassure you that God is doing stuff in you that you cannot see and I know that it is hard not hearing from Him. But He is refining you and molding you into something new, something more like the purpose He wants for your life. I'm sorry to say that the total process for me took over 10 years. Please know that while you wait, there is nothing you should do. He doesn't want you trying to work for him to gain His favor. He wants to rest in Him while He refines. Having been in your shoes, I did not do this, and I don't know if it is possible during that lost silent time. However, I would like to think that it is, that you can keep coming more and more to Him in the silence and giving Him everything. I guess the hardest part is trusting Him while He is silent. Keep trusting. Keep the faith. He is near to you, sweet one!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the encouragement! There are times when it feels like no one gets what is going on in me... I am glad to know someone else is on this journey too - and has gone to the next 'level' / 'stage' ... if we can call it that. Waiting on God is so difficult - though I know - somewhere deep down - that He is still working and moving and I just need to be patient. But I also want to be honest about how I feel along the way ... hiding things never seems to help.
DeleteAgain thanks for the encouragement!