God of thunder

Psalm 18: 7-19
Then the earth quaked and trembled.
    The foundations of the mountains shook;
    they quaked because of his anger.
Smoke poured from his nostrils;
    fierce flames leaped from his mouth.
    Glowing coals blazed forth from him.
He opened the heavens and came down;
    dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.
Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew,
    soaring on the wings of the wind.
He shrouded himself in darkness,
    veiling his approach with dark rain clouds.
Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him
    and rained down hail and burning coals.
The Lord thundered from heaven;
    the voice of the Most High resounded
    amid the hail and burning coals.
He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies;
    his lightning flashed, and they were greatly confused.
Then at your command, O Lord,
    at the blast of your breath,
the bottom of the sea could be seen,
    and the foundations of the earth were laid bare.
He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemies,
    from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
    but the Lord supported me.
He led me to a place of safety;
    he rescued me because he delights in me.

I am watching and listening to a storm right now pass over my home. And the Lord feels present in this moment.

This summer has been so difficult. People keep asking how my summer is going and I keep not knowing how to answer. It has been a battle. My interior feels at war. It is hard to think, hard to concentrate, hard to read at times. It has been hard to praise, hard to listen or rather really to hear worship music. Praying has been nearly impossible... I keep trying to do all of these things but there is very little fruit - and it has been so discouraging. Others I know have been going through the same thing as me ... and though I do not wish this on them - I am encouraged to know that I am not crazy - I am not making this up ... it is real. My longing for the Lord is right and good, my desire for His fruit in my life is a good desire. Waiting on Him is good (but so hard).

But in this moment with these verses and this storm - the Lord does feel near. And it is easier to have faith that He does keep His promises and that He does indeed delight in me - that rescue from this whatever it is - is coming! God rain down your promises on me! You are the God of thunder! The God of this storm. Let me KNOW that You delight in me!

where I am

Psalm 13

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

    How long will you look the other way?

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

    with sorrow in my heart every day?

    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”

    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.

    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

I will sing to the Lord

    because he is good to me.

This is how I have been feeling. I didn't know how pent up it was until yesterday. I was watching a movie last night - the kind that seems light hearted going in and does not turn out that way. I was crying - and that opened up a gate in me. I just went downstairs away from everyone and wept. I cried out to God - begging Him to come and be with me. Come and give me all the things He has promised. I want to filled with the Holy Spirit, I want to love with His power. Love my kids with the fruit of the Spirit. I want to know what it means to abide in Him, I want to feel His rest, I want this oppression to lift.

I realized that I am angry with God for taking so long. For making me wait for so long. If these are the things He promises - then why don't I feel like they are present - no matter how much I ask, or how much time I spend with Him, how much I read, or pray, or seek, or press in, confess, shed other sin - why does it still feel so hard to love my family well - love to serve them? Why is eating so hard? Aren't these the things He wants for me?

Then as I was confessing my sin this morning - my demanding Spirit, my lack of patience and faith. I reread this article by Arthur Pink ... about God's power - this always seems to set my heart to it's rightful place. 

Here is the link: http://www.pbministries.org/books/pink/Attributes/attrib_09.htm

please

I am bored of writing the same thing. Wondering when you are going to show up God! I am tired, it's hard to concentrate, by body hurts, I feel oppressed.

I keep trying to do the right things - read your word, pray, sing praises to You, ask You to examine me,  - everything feels really hard right now. No matter what I do - You still seem so distant. I know you never leave. But this sucks. I know that just because I am doing all the things I am supposed to do - does not mean that You will show yourself like I want You to. But something - anything - would be nice.

Where is the rest? Where is the fruit of Your Spirit? Why do you make me wait so long? I hate waiting. My sin still feels bigger than Your power - I know that is a lie ... it just feels true right now. There is so much unrest in me.

God I have been crying out for 2 years now - longing for peace - longing for You to rescue... when will it come? So many authors I read keep encouraging me - to keep my faith and wait patiently. The Lord will come and reveal himself - stay focused - keep worshipping... but it is exhausting! I am tired and loosing hope.

Please come ... please.