black hole

As I was reading John 6 - the passage from my last entry... God brought an old memory to the surface. It was from a journal entry I wrote on paper last year when I had first read that passage. I went to find it today... here is the gist...

'In my minds eye there is an angry idol version of my flesh sitting on a dark throne at the center of myself. She yells at everyone, telling them what to do, how to move, why to move, what to get to 'feed' her. She is angry and ravenous, she wants to be served constantly.

All my idols and addictions feed her. Food appeases her, she delights for a moment in the tastes, and sensations - it quiets her ... so I just keep giving her what she wants. TV distracts her - it takes her mind away from her selfishness for a moment - she gets trapped in a story and leaves those around her alone for a time. And anger feeds the cycle again and again - the energy and rush from that release fuels the whole circle. '

I used to think that it was pure selfishness at the center of this - I want what I want, and I want it now... but God has shown me something different today. I asked myself why she was so angry... I asked that because I am struggling with anger today. I had lashed out at my kids but I knew that it had very little to do with them - it was in me. So what am I so angry about? God showed me the answer ... self-loathing, I was hating on myself.

This morning I am supposed to fasting again. I had a weekend of feasting for Easter and when I got back I should have gotten back to it... but I haven't wanted to. So I have been eating things that are just normal but that I should be abstaining from. Somehow I thought I should be able to jump back in on my own strength - wrong! I thought I would be able to feast in my own strength - wrong! Two major missteps - leading me back to this one place - back to self-loathing. This is not new - I am not new to self-hatred ... it was a long time 'friend', but I didn't realize it was at the core of so much.

All the food, and escapes and the rush of anger are rooted in a big, big cover up of my self-loathing. I have been hiding from myself. I thought my idols were just feeding a general sinful self-centeredness -but no - its all been me trying to cover up a black hole that can never be filled - I cannot fix this.