glory

There is so much swirling in my head... so many things I need to prepare for and yet I can't quite figure in all the swirling what is for what.

But I am excited - I feel God moving. I see Him moving. And I feel blessed to even get to be a small part of what He is doing around me.

My prayers have been earnest lately. I really want to love on my kids and shine the light of Jesus to them. I want the fruit of the Spirit to actually be evident in my life. I am tired of the fleshly, ugly version of myself getting the most play.

What does it mean to walk in the Spirit? What does it look like to live a supernaturally infused life?

I have a friend who is not a believer. She is one of the nicest people I know. She is way nicer than me. She knows everyone, loves to serve and help people. She is a hard worker. She stays at home with her kids wanting to serve them and her family. Her life could look like the good life of a Christian. She would even claim that she is. She isn't though. She does not have the Spirit of God living in her.

I do have the Spirit living in me ... but would many people be able to tell? Can she tell? Does she see a difference in her choices and mine? Does my life look and feel like the Spirit is leading me?

It's hard to know.

I want my life to be different. I want to be totally yielded to the Lord. I want the Spirit filling my thoughts, my life, my face, my body, my everything! I want the Spirit flowing out of me like streams of living water - I want my life to be like life to others - because they so sense the glory of the Lord in me. Glorify Yourself in me, Lord.

John 17: 22-26
“I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began!

“O righteous Father, the world doesn’t know you, but I do; and these disciples know you sent me. I have revealed you to them, and I will continue to do so. Then your love for me will be in them, and I will be in them.”

black hole

As I was reading John 6 - the passage from my last entry... God brought an old memory to the surface. It was from a journal entry I wrote on paper last year when I had first read that passage. I went to find it today... here is the gist...

'In my minds eye there is an angry idol version of my flesh sitting on a dark throne at the center of myself. She yells at everyone, telling them what to do, how to move, why to move, what to get to 'feed' her. She is angry and ravenous, she wants to be served constantly.

All my idols and addictions feed her. Food appeases her, she delights for a moment in the tastes, and sensations - it quiets her ... so I just keep giving her what she wants. TV distracts her - it takes her mind away from her selfishness for a moment - she gets trapped in a story and leaves those around her alone for a time. And anger feeds the cycle again and again - the energy and rush from that release fuels the whole circle. '

I used to think that it was pure selfishness at the center of this - I want what I want, and I want it now... but God has shown me something different today. I asked myself why she was so angry... I asked that because I am struggling with anger today. I had lashed out at my kids but I knew that it had very little to do with them - it was in me. So what am I so angry about? God showed me the answer ... self-loathing, I was hating on myself.

This morning I am supposed to fasting again. I had a weekend of feasting for Easter and when I got back I should have gotten back to it... but I haven't wanted to. So I have been eating things that are just normal but that I should be abstaining from. Somehow I thought I should be able to jump back in on my own strength - wrong! I thought I would be able to feast in my own strength - wrong! Two major missteps - leading me back to this one place - back to self-loathing. This is not new - I am not new to self-hatred ... it was a long time 'friend', but I didn't realize it was at the core of so much.

All the food, and escapes and the rush of anger are rooted in a big, big cover up of my self-loathing. I have been hiding from myself. I thought my idols were just feeding a general sinful self-centeredness -but no - its all been me trying to cover up a black hole that can never be filled - I cannot fix this.

hunger and thirst

I read this passage below a little more than a year ago and began to pray for more faith. I realized that I wasn't taking God at His word, that I didn't believe much of what Jesus said or did. I would have told you that I did ... but I really didn't. I didn't even like reading the gospels, Jesus made very little sense to me.

Now I can not get enough and I want to know so much more. And God is showing me so much that I had missed as I read in disbelief. He only wants one thing from us - belief. Belief is what pleases Him - it is impossible to please Him without it - it says in Hebrews 11. 

 In Hudson Taylor's biography - after his wife dies... He cries out to God and says - 'You promised I would never thirst!' - He was asking Him to keep His promises ... and God answered him.

God, I know that there is so much more for me to understand - but please - I do not want to hunger or thirst anymore - I feel like I am missing something - because I feel hungry and thirsty constantly. Please fill me up entirely with you.

John 6: 22 - 40
The next day the crowd that had stayed on the far shore saw that the disciples had taken the only boat, and they realized Jesus had not gone with them. Several boats from Tiberias landed near the place where the Lord had blessed the bread and the people had eaten. So when the crowd saw that neither Jesus nor his disciples were there, they got into the boats and went across to Capernaum to look for him. They found him on the other side of the lake and asked, “Rabbi, when did you get here?”

Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, you want to be with me because I fed you, not because you understood the miraculous signs. But don’t be so concerned about perishable things like food. Spend your energy seeking the eternal life that the Son of Man can give you. For God the Father has given me the seal of his approval.”

They replied, “We want to perform God’s works, too. What should we do?”

Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.”

They answered, “Show us a miraculous sign if you want us to believe in you. What can you do? After all, our ancestors ate manna while they journeyed through the wilderness! The Scriptures say, ‘Moses gave them bread from heaven to eat.’”

Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, Moses didn’t give you bread from heaven. My Father did. And now he offers you the true bread from heaven. The true bread of God is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”

“Sir,” they said, “give us that bread every day.”

Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. But you haven’t believed in me even though you have seen me. However, those the Father has given me will come to me, and I will never reject them. For I have come down from heaven to do the will of God who sent me, not to do my own will. And this is the will of God, that I should not lose even one of all those he has given me, but that I should raise them up at the last day. For it is my Father’s will that all who see his Son and believe in him should have eternal life. I will raise them up at the last day.”

tv

So all during Lent I felt like the Lord wanted me to let go of TV.

I was not ready to that just yet however.

Lent has been so much hard work. There were days I spent all day in prayer. And I was exhausted. So I wanted to wait to break my TV habit until Lent was over - or in this case almost over. I asked God if that would be OK - and He seemed to say that was fine. On days where the oppression was at its worst - I would take a break and watch a show on Netflix - and let my mind flow somewhere - anywhere else. The  real problem with this was that all the stories would flood into my prayers and cause major distractions. Communion with God was all disrupted, but somehow, in my own mind - it still seemed like a good idea.

I was encouraged by a friend to welcome my kids into my fast in some way... but food didn't seem like the best option. So my husband and I chose TV instead - so from Good Friday morning through Easter evening we will be TV-less. So far no problem - we will see how tomorrow goes.?? But in preparation for our family fast I really wanted to be done with the series I was watching. So Thursday morning I watched the last 2 episodes - so I wouldn't have a random need for closure to getting in my way. So when I turned the TV off after that last episode was done -
I felt a release inside of me.
I felt free of it all.
I began to cry and spontaneously praise God.
He had given me the first fruits of a major stronghold breaking in me.
It was incredible.

So now going back to TV would just seem stupid... I am planning to fast from it all through the summer - and I have an inkling that I will not want to take it back up again when Fall rolls around. Praise God for all the freedoms He is bringing me. This TV addiction has been with me - my whole life - and If He is wanting me to be free of it - I am willing to be led out of it. Oh what a relief it is!

way better

This week has gotten way better.

The beginning of the week was much like the previous weeks - full of oppression and darkness. But then the Lord broke through and things changed. I can't even say 'here is what I learned' - I had no major epiphany ... He just showed up and began moving. Wednesday morning as I prayed I could feel Him directing me as I prayed,  and I could feel Him working. I could feel His presence in my chest. The weight was gone.

That is not to say He wasn't there before - I knew He was with me - but I couldn't feel Him. He just kept encouraging me to stand up under it in faith that He would rescue. I hope I can say I never lost faith that He would come - though my patience and willingness to endure were lacking.

It has been a hard 40 days - Lent was not easy. But I have learned a lot, pressed into God more than ever, given up more than I thought was possible - and I survived. God brought me through. I imagine that He will show me many things in the weeks to come about all of this... and I am excited to see exactly what!