what has been missing

So all of that contributes to where I am today - right now.

I read a bunch of Psalms this morning. This one stood out for me... I posted it earlier.

Psalm 35: 1-3

  O LORD, oppose those who oppose me.
      Fight those who fight against me.
  Put on your armor, and take up your shield.
      Prepare for battle, and come to my aid.
  Lift up your spear and javelin
      against those who pursue me.
   Let me hear you say,
      “I will give you victory!”

I loved reading about God fighting for me. That is what I have been praying for. I have been wanting God to show up and do His thing and show me whatever I needed to know - no matter how painful it was. And I loved hearing about His victory. I have been praying for His victory to be enacted in my life (to have what is already true about me as a new creature in Christ - no longer a slave to sin - actually be true now!). As I read the words this morning - I knew they were meant for me today - to hang onto.

I had already read a ton of scripture, and prayed a lot. But this is a Lenten fast day for me - so during lunch I snuck away from the kids and came back upstairs and decided to read some more. I did my homework for small group and then the Lord gave me an impression to again pick up 'Absolute Surrender' by Andrew Murray (he is a great writer by the way, friendly and loving but, powerful).  Everything after that just seemed to fall into place - and God opened up my heart and mind to see what I have missed.

Andrew Murray writes:

At a later period he comes to another state of mind. He begins to see such a life is impossible, but he does not accept it. There are multitudes of Christians who come to this point: “I cannot”; and then think God never expected them to do what they cannot do. If you tell them that God does expect it, it appears to them a mystery. A good many Christians are living a low life, a life of failure and of sin, instead of rest and victory, because they began to see: “I cannot, it is impossible.” And yet they do not understand it fully, and so, under the impression, I cannot, they give way to despair. They will do their best, but they never expect to get on very far.


But God leads His children on to a third stage, when a man comes to take that, It is impossible, in its full truth, and yet at the same time says: “I must do it, and I will do it — it is impossible for man, and yet I must do it”; when the renewed will begins to exercise its whole power, and in intense longing and prayer begins to cry to God: “Lord, what is the meaning of this? — how am I to be freed from the power of sin?”

This is exactly where I was - asking this same question - How am I to be free. Knowing it is from God - but how - what am I missing?



It is the state of the regenerate man in Romans 7. There you will find the Christian man trying his very utmost to live a holy life. God’s law has been revealed to him as reaching down into the very depth of the desires of the heart, and the man can dare to say:


“I delight in the law of God after the inward man. To will what is good is present with me. My heart loves the law of God, and my will has chosen that law.”


Can a man like that fail, with his heart full of delight in God’s law and with his will determined to do what is right? Yes. That is what Romans 7 teaches us. There is something more needed. Not only must I delight in the law of God after the inward man, and will what God wills, but I need a divine omnipotence to work it in me. And that is what the apostle Paul teaches in Philippians 2:13:


“It is God which worketh in you, both to will and to do.”


Note the contrast. In Romans 7, the regenerate man says: “To will is present with me, but to do — I find I cannot do. I will, but I cannot perform.” But in Philippians 2, you have a man who has been led on farther, a man who understands that when God has worked the renewed will, God will give the power to accomplish what that will desires. Let us receive this as the first great lesson in the spiritual life: “It is impossible for me, my God; let there be an end of the flesh and all its powers, an end of self, and let it be my glory to be helpless.”

Praise God for the divine teaching that makes us helpless!


When you thought of absolute surrender to God were you not brought to an end of yourself, and to feel that you could see how you actually could live as a man absolutely surrendered to God every moment of the day — at your table, in your house, in your business, in the midst of trials and temptations? I pray you learn the lesson now. If you felt you could not do it, you are on the right road, if you let yourselves be led. Accept that position, and maintain it before God: “My heart’s desire and delight, O God, is absolute surrender, but I cannot perform it. It is impossible for me to live that life. It is beyond me.” Fall down and learn that when you are utterly helpless, God will come to work in you not only to will, but also to do.


This is where I have been - trying desperately to get my inward man - the renewed man - to work and serve God - but I have not had His power. I knew I needed His power - but He had not provided it yet - so I have been waiting - knowing what I needed, but not knowing what piece He still felt I have been missing - before He will provide what he has promised.

I have not been helpless.