so tired

God I am so tired. I keep wondering when You will come and save me. My insides are all twisted. Everyday I wake up anxious and it is an unending fight to keep my head up through out the day. It feels like there is a brick sitting on the back of my neck. There is a pit in my stomach. And it feels dark all the time. I cry out to You but You are so quiet. I keep turning back to You - because there is no where else to go... but seriously when will You rescue me? I believe You are the only One who can save me yet You keep me waiting, and waiting ... and I am so tired.

I think about what is going on in me ... and yet no one looking in would be able to see anything wrong. My life has been quiet and pain free on the outside. I have a great family, and life - so much to be thankful for.

Yet there is a constant darkness. This oppression is such a weight. It is a constant battle in my thoughts in my gut. It is hard to think, and hard to get anything done.

I have been listening to worship music for hours - just to keep my thoughts moving toward You. I keep reading Your Word, pressing in and pursuing You. I want to draw near - so You will be near to me. I am resisting the devil so that he will flee from me. I have cried out to You, I have given myself over to You over and over. Asking You to purge sin, and to free me. I know only You can free me. And I know I am impatient, it's just so hard to breathe. I know there is nothing for me to do but wait and continue to be faithful and worship ... and wait. Oh Father, I am so tired but keep my heart trusting You, I do not want to doubt You!

Hebrews 10: 19-23

And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven’s Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water.
Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.


This song just came onto my iPod as I was writing, it brings tears to my eyes - such a beautiful song : This Is My Offering by Jason Ingram


I Lay it all down, My dreams and My crowns
Lord I surrender
I Lay it all down, My fear and my doubt
Lord I surrender, Lord I surrender

My heart like never before
My heart like never before
Lord I wanna give you everything I wanna give you everything
This is my offering

Give me the strength, enough for today
Lord I surrender
Show me your way, give me the grace
Lord to surrender, Lord I surrender

All I have, I bring to You
To You Lord