roller coaster

Something I wrote the other day...


I am struggling. Fasting is hard. The temptations have only increased. My flesh is bent on being heard, seen, and felt. 

Keeping my ‘mouth’ turned away from food has not even been the hardest part. Rather it has been loving the people around me in the midst of not being able to run to my idol of food. Before when life got hard I would comfort myself in the pleasure of food. Now that it is taken away, I must retrain my heart to run to the Lord … yet in the practice of it – I am not very ‘good’ yet. As a result my flesh wants to reach out and take and sin in other ways. And my family gets to see the ugliest parts of my sinfulness.

Reminding myself of God’s truth in the midst of all of this is hard. I know the truth – I know who I really am in Jesus. And I know the promises that He has given to me. But being humble enough to confess my sin aloud and ask forgiveness from my husband and kids – is a whole other kind of hard. Being humble does not come without even more death of self within me.

God led me to Isaiah 58 a couple of years ago – to impress on me that fasting is never supposed to be for my own sake – to achieve my own ends. But that in the midst of it we should be focused on loving God – by loving others.

I clearly needed to be reminded of that yesterday. The Lord wants this fast to purge more than one idol in my life. More of my heart needs to be yielded, more let go of. And then my ‘salvation will come like the dawn!’


And today...


I am on the roller coaster again. This day has been so up and down... a good talk with a friend, an encouraging email from a friend, a spiritual attack, temptations every where. And me still feeling like I will never be kind and loving to my family ever again. So much flesh - I just keep giving my mouth over to my flesh.


Lord, please tell me what to do - I can not see the way out. I desperately want to find your way out and off of this roller coaster!