God I am so tired. I keep wondering when You will come and save me. My insides are all twisted. Everyday I wake up anxious and it is an unending fight to keep my head up through out the day. It feels like there is a brick sitting on the back of my neck. There is a pit in my stomach. And it feels dark all the time. I cry out to You but You are so quiet. I keep turning back to You - because there is no where else to go... but seriously when will You rescue me? I believe You are the only One who can save me yet You keep me waiting, and waiting ... and I am so tired.
I think about what is going on in me ... and yet no one looking in would be able to see anything wrong. My life has been quiet and pain free on the outside. I have a great family, and life - so much to be thankful for.
Yet there is a constant darkness. This oppression is such a weight. It is a constant battle in my thoughts in my gut. It is hard to think, and hard to get anything done.
I have been listening to worship music for hours - just to keep my thoughts moving toward You. I keep reading Your Word, pressing in and pursuing You. I want to draw near - so You will be near to me. I am resisting the devil so that he will flee from me. I have cried out to You, I have given myself over to You over and over. Asking You to purge sin, and to free me. I know only You can free me. And I know I am impatient, it's just so hard to breathe. I know there is nothing for me to do but wait and continue to be faithful and worship ... and wait. Oh Father, I am so tired but keep my heart trusting You, I do not want to doubt You!
Hebrews 10: 19-23
And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven’s Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water.
Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.
This song just came onto my iPod as I was writing, it brings tears to my eyes - such a beautiful song : This Is My Offering by Jason Ingram
I Lay it all down, My dreams and My crowns
Lord I surrender
I Lay it all down, My fear and my doubt
Lord I surrender, Lord I surrender
My heart like never before
My heart like never before
Lord I wanna give you everything I wanna give you everything
This is my offering
Give me the strength, enough for today
Lord I surrender
Show me your way, give me the grace
Lord to surrender, Lord I surrender
All I have, I bring to You
To You Lord
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
roller coaster
Something I wrote the other day...
I am struggling. Fasting is hard. The temptations have only increased. My flesh is bent on being heard, seen, and felt.
I am struggling. Fasting is hard. The temptations have only increased. My flesh is bent on being heard, seen, and felt.
Keeping my ‘mouth’ turned away from food has not even been the hardest part. Rather it has been loving the people around me in the midst of not being able to run to my idol of food. Before when life got hard I would comfort myself in the pleasure of food. Now that it is taken away, I must retrain my heart to run to the Lord … yet in the practice of it – I am not very ‘good’ yet. As a result my flesh wants to reach out and take and sin in other ways. And my family gets to see the ugliest parts of my sinfulness.
Reminding myself of God’s truth in the midst of all of this is hard. I know the truth – I know who I really am in Jesus. And I know the promises that He has given to me. But being humble enough to confess my sin aloud and ask forgiveness from my husband and kids – is a whole other kind of hard. Being humble does not come without even more death of self within me.
God led me to Isaiah 58 a couple of years ago – to impress on me that fasting is never supposed to be for my own sake – to achieve my own ends. But that in the midst of it we should be focused on loving God – by loving others.
I clearly needed to be reminded of that yesterday. The Lord wants this fast to purge more than one idol in my life. More of my heart needs to be yielded, more let go of. And then my ‘salvation will come like the dawn!’
And today...
I am on the roller coaster again. This day has been so up and down... a good talk with a friend, an encouraging email from a friend, a spiritual attack, temptations every where. And me still feeling like I will never be kind and loving to my family ever again. So much flesh - I just keep giving my mouth over to my flesh.
Lord, please tell me what to do - I can not see the way out. I desperately want to find your way out and off of this roller coaster!
And today...
I am on the roller coaster again. This day has been so up and down... a good talk with a friend, an encouraging email from a friend, a spiritual attack, temptations every where. And me still feeling like I will never be kind and loving to my family ever again. So much flesh - I just keep giving my mouth over to my flesh.
Lord, please tell me what to do - I can not see the way out. I desperately want to find your way out and off of this roller coaster!
Monday, March 19, 2012
reminders
That old cliche ' What a difference a day makes ' - is so true. I woke up this morning still feeling yesterday's cloud. But the Lord had different plans for this day - new mercies, and new undeserved gifts.
There are times I still get caught up in old habits - yesterday - and really most of last week were like that. Getting lost within myself, feeling self-pity, feeling like God is far away and has no intention of keeping His promises. Which lead to me looking inward for answers - but of course my flesh has nothing good to offer - so I start handing people all my crap instead. I get angry, selfish, grouchy, and I look for a place to hide - not only from God, but from myself. I also keep myself locked away from my family so they don't have to bear the brunt of this mess (though they did anyway - just less of me.)
I get so focused on myself and my ugliness I forget to worship. It's that reverse pride - not the pride that says look at me I am so great - I have all the answers, but the pride that says look at me - I am so awful - I am such a ridiculous mess - please gawk. Pride in either form is destructive. It takes my eyes off of Christ and puts them on me.
So today the Lord brought perspective. Psalms that spoke to my heart, a prayer from the Valley of Vision - that felt like it came from my heart, and a reminder that God has amazing plans for me and my family.
And really I need to be on the lookout for the reminders that God gives everyday - I know they are there - but some days they are more obvious than others. One came the other day... as I was praying in the morning asking God to send His Spirit - to take over my mess ... He gave me a rainbow. I looked up out my window and there was a rainbow - reminding me that He does keep His promises - and that He will give the Spirit to those who ask! Luke 11.
May this be the prayer of my heart today and everyday!
Morning from the Valley of Vision:
Let me this day know Thee as Thou art,
love Thee supremely, serve Thee wholly, admire Thee fully.
Through grace let my will respond to Thee,
knowing that power to obey is not in me, but that Thy free love alone enables me to serve Thee.
Here then is my empty heart, overflow it with Thy choicest gifts...
There are times I still get caught up in old habits - yesterday - and really most of last week were like that. Getting lost within myself, feeling self-pity, feeling like God is far away and has no intention of keeping His promises. Which lead to me looking inward for answers - but of course my flesh has nothing good to offer - so I start handing people all my crap instead. I get angry, selfish, grouchy, and I look for a place to hide - not only from God, but from myself. I also keep myself locked away from my family so they don't have to bear the brunt of this mess (though they did anyway - just less of me.)
I get so focused on myself and my ugliness I forget to worship. It's that reverse pride - not the pride that says look at me I am so great - I have all the answers, but the pride that says look at me - I am so awful - I am such a ridiculous mess - please gawk. Pride in either form is destructive. It takes my eyes off of Christ and puts them on me.
So today the Lord brought perspective. Psalms that spoke to my heart, a prayer from the Valley of Vision - that felt like it came from my heart, and a reminder that God has amazing plans for me and my family.
And really I need to be on the lookout for the reminders that God gives everyday - I know they are there - but some days they are more obvious than others. One came the other day... as I was praying in the morning asking God to send His Spirit - to take over my mess ... He gave me a rainbow. I looked up out my window and there was a rainbow - reminding me that He does keep His promises - and that He will give the Spirit to those who ask! Luke 11.
May this be the prayer of my heart today and everyday!
Morning from the Valley of Vision:
Let me this day know Thee as Thou art,
love Thee supremely, serve Thee wholly, admire Thee fully.
Through grace let my will respond to Thee,
knowing that power to obey is not in me, but that Thy free love alone enables me to serve Thee.
Here then is my empty heart, overflow it with Thy choicest gifts...
Sunday, March 18, 2012
evil hands
I feel like shit today. I have been running from God most of the day.
Flesh has a way of reaching out any way it can. Fasting ... it has been really hard this last week - like really hard. I want to eat, I am hungry, temptation has been awful. I have continued in my obedience with food, but the rest of my flesh wants to get out. It's like evil hands reaching out from within me trying to grab at anything - trying to gain control, trying to be heard, trying to do what it wants.
I have been awful to my family. I have resented my kids and my husband. I am angry or irritated constantly about everything and nothing. I have to correct my kids constantly and I resent it. I hate cleaning up after them. I hate getting them going in the morning. I don't want to clean, or do any chores, or cook. I have just been miserable.
How can I yield everything all at once? I want to. I don't want this. I hate this.
As I was praying this morning, I felt the Lord saying - 'you haven't been serving ... you have been serving yourself.' All the cleaning has been for me - because I want it clean - so I can relax - it's not for my family. And then I resent them when they mess up my clean. I haven't been pointing my kids to Jesus - I have been pushing them around (not literally) - trying to get what I need them to do - so we can be done - and I can go be alone.
Alone, sometimes feels like the only safe place ... then I can hide and I don't have to keep being so shitty to everyone.
I don't want this, Jesus - please kill my flesh, please put this shit to death in me.
I want to worship you, I want to serve my family, I want to bring You glory. Please save me from my flesh. I want my whole self to serve You.
Flesh has a way of reaching out any way it can. Fasting ... it has been really hard this last week - like really hard. I want to eat, I am hungry, temptation has been awful. I have continued in my obedience with food, but the rest of my flesh wants to get out. It's like evil hands reaching out from within me trying to grab at anything - trying to gain control, trying to be heard, trying to do what it wants.
I have been awful to my family. I have resented my kids and my husband. I am angry or irritated constantly about everything and nothing. I have to correct my kids constantly and I resent it. I hate cleaning up after them. I hate getting them going in the morning. I don't want to clean, or do any chores, or cook. I have just been miserable.
How can I yield everything all at once? I want to. I don't want this. I hate this.
As I was praying this morning, I felt the Lord saying - 'you haven't been serving ... you have been serving yourself.' All the cleaning has been for me - because I want it clean - so I can relax - it's not for my family. And then I resent them when they mess up my clean. I haven't been pointing my kids to Jesus - I have been pushing them around (not literally) - trying to get what I need them to do - so we can be done - and I can go be alone.
Alone, sometimes feels like the only safe place ... then I can hide and I don't have to keep being so shitty to everyone.
I don't want this, Jesus - please kill my flesh, please put this shit to death in me.
I want to worship you, I want to serve my family, I want to bring You glory. Please save me from my flesh. I want my whole self to serve You.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
obedience
I've had a thought running in my head the last couple of days. Here it is... 'obedience is not legalism'. I heard my pastor say it in a sermon sometime in the last year or so. And when he said it - it struck me, and in the last few days God has brought it to my remembrance. Here is the difference between the two - legalism is when we add rules on top of/or instead of what God has laid out for us to do. It is work, it's striving to make our sanctification happen without God. And obedience is listening to God's desires for us, and actually doing it with His power and leading.
In the last year I have been trying really hard to get my flesh to do something it just did not want to do. I was trying to get my flesh to follow the rules - my rules - to want to eat healthy, to want to eat less, to enjoy being hungry all the time. I wanted my flesh to obey me. None of these desires are bad necessarily, but I was not letting God lead, I was trying to make it all happen without His power - and use mine instead.
The really big problem with my plan is that flesh does not want to obey ... and it can't obey... it's flesh... and there is nothing that can be done to get it to obey. Flesh wants what it wants. Flesh is deceptive and corrupt. Flesh is full of sin. But I kept asking my flesh to obey me anyway, and it just kept on saying 'no'.
So it was just me and my flesh duking it out, and flesh was winning. It had not occurred to me that God might want to be in on this, and that in fact He was the only way out. But I really wanted my flesh to obey me, so that in the end of it all - I would get the glory. If God took over, He would. But it just wasn't working my way.
I entered into this Lenten fast pretty lightly, meaning I didn't spend a whole lot of time debating it, or deciding. I just knew that I could not continue going down this same sin-filled path. And I hated where I was, I hated what I was doing, I hated that my flesh was winning, and I hated that I was filled with pride and wanted God's glory for myself. At the beginning of this new year I asked God to kill my addiction. I was at the point where I just couldn't live with my sin any longer. And in my spirit, I desperately want my life to glorify God, so I asked Him to lead me. So what to give up for Lent seemed obvious - food.
However, this time fasting needed to be different, it needed to be a matter of obedience. But what would my obedience to God look like? I had already tried to make my flesh obey my rules and failed. This time I had to try it God's way. I needed to learn what walking in obedience to Him actually looks and feels like as I eat. So, I am learning that it really has less to do with what I am doing and not doing with food, and is much more about which direction my heart is facing. I am learning to listen to His voice, to let His power flow in me, and then act out what God is saying. And when temptation rises, as it always does, I am learning to look for the way out that God has promised to provide and actually take it.
Food can no longer be the thing I run to for happiness. And for so long it has been ... as soon as I would slip a tasty something on my tongue I would get a rush of pleasure even if it was only for those moments that I was eating. The problem was I could always go back again and again, and food is always there - because I have to eat. Food, also, can not be the thing I center my whole life around. I was always dreaming of the next meal, or the next party or holiday full of treats, or the next time I got to go out for dinner - and it was all for that next great taste that I thought was going to make me feel so good. It is a true high, a real addiction.
I have to tell you this has not been easy - it is hard to turn away from a lifetime of thinking about food this way. It has been a daily struggle to not eat what the Lord has asked me to abstain from. But He keeps reminding me that salvation has to come from Him. Not just that one moment in time conversion, but the moment to moment salvation that is sanctification. He wants my happiness and joy and salvation to come from Jesus every moment of the day. He wants me to be obedient, not so He can thumb me down, but because He knows I will be happier when I am free of this and free to serve Him. So He keeps reminding me to turn my heart, face, mind, ears, and mouth back to Him.
At the end of it all, I want my flesh to die, I want this addiction put to death, I want food to be just food and not the idol I worship. And I can honestly say now, I want all of this, not so I feel good about me, but so that God will be worshiped and glorified in my life. He is the healer, He is the One who brings obedience, and He is the One who can break the power of sin in me. That is worth worshipping - He is worth giving glory to, because He is the only One willing and able - filled with power beyond all comprehension - to do this work in me.
Galatians 3: 3,4
How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort? Have you experienced so much for nothing? Surely it was not in vain, was it?
In the last year I have been trying really hard to get my flesh to do something it just did not want to do. I was trying to get my flesh to follow the rules - my rules - to want to eat healthy, to want to eat less, to enjoy being hungry all the time. I wanted my flesh to obey me. None of these desires are bad necessarily, but I was not letting God lead, I was trying to make it all happen without His power - and use mine instead.
The really big problem with my plan is that flesh does not want to obey ... and it can't obey... it's flesh... and there is nothing that can be done to get it to obey. Flesh wants what it wants. Flesh is deceptive and corrupt. Flesh is full of sin. But I kept asking my flesh to obey me anyway, and it just kept on saying 'no'.
So it was just me and my flesh duking it out, and flesh was winning. It had not occurred to me that God might want to be in on this, and that in fact He was the only way out. But I really wanted my flesh to obey me, so that in the end of it all - I would get the glory. If God took over, He would. But it just wasn't working my way.
I entered into this Lenten fast pretty lightly, meaning I didn't spend a whole lot of time debating it, or deciding. I just knew that I could not continue going down this same sin-filled path. And I hated where I was, I hated what I was doing, I hated that my flesh was winning, and I hated that I was filled with pride and wanted God's glory for myself. At the beginning of this new year I asked God to kill my addiction. I was at the point where I just couldn't live with my sin any longer. And in my spirit, I desperately want my life to glorify God, so I asked Him to lead me. So what to give up for Lent seemed obvious - food.
However, this time fasting needed to be different, it needed to be a matter of obedience. But what would my obedience to God look like? I had already tried to make my flesh obey my rules and failed. This time I had to try it God's way. I needed to learn what walking in obedience to Him actually looks and feels like as I eat. So, I am learning that it really has less to do with what I am doing and not doing with food, and is much more about which direction my heart is facing. I am learning to listen to His voice, to let His power flow in me, and then act out what God is saying. And when temptation rises, as it always does, I am learning to look for the way out that God has promised to provide and actually take it.
Food can no longer be the thing I run to for happiness. And for so long it has been ... as soon as I would slip a tasty something on my tongue I would get a rush of pleasure even if it was only for those moments that I was eating. The problem was I could always go back again and again, and food is always there - because I have to eat. Food, also, can not be the thing I center my whole life around. I was always dreaming of the next meal, or the next party or holiday full of treats, or the next time I got to go out for dinner - and it was all for that next great taste that I thought was going to make me feel so good. It is a true high, a real addiction.
I have to tell you this has not been easy - it is hard to turn away from a lifetime of thinking about food this way. It has been a daily struggle to not eat what the Lord has asked me to abstain from. But He keeps reminding me that salvation has to come from Him. Not just that one moment in time conversion, but the moment to moment salvation that is sanctification. He wants my happiness and joy and salvation to come from Jesus every moment of the day. He wants me to be obedient, not so He can thumb me down, but because He knows I will be happier when I am free of this and free to serve Him. So He keeps reminding me to turn my heart, face, mind, ears, and mouth back to Him.
At the end of it all, I want my flesh to die, I want this addiction put to death, I want food to be just food and not the idol I worship. And I can honestly say now, I want all of this, not so I feel good about me, but so that God will be worshiped and glorified in my life. He is the healer, He is the One who brings obedience, and He is the One who can break the power of sin in me. That is worth worshipping - He is worth giving glory to, because He is the only One willing and able - filled with power beyond all comprehension - to do this work in me.
Galatians 3: 3,4
How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort? Have you experienced so much for nothing? Surely it was not in vain, was it?
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
fill me
Oh God - How I long to be filled with praise. Fill me with words - fill me with love to give You.
I long to throw my hands up, and my head back and sing out at the top of my lungs to You,
to dance and jump and get wild and totally free before You
To revel and glory in Your love and grace, to feel you all around to be drenched in You
I want my whole heart, every bit of my soul, every part of my mind, and every ounce of my strength to bring You glory
If only I could play all the instruments, and speak a million languages
I would use them all to bring You praise
Oh how I wish I could gather a million people to all shout praise to You
It would never be enough, never You deserve so much more
Let Your beauty fill me
Let Your love overflow in me
Let Your light shine out of me
Let Your breath be what I breathe
Let Your words be what is on my lips
Let Your thoughts be my thoughts
Let Your heart flow into me
So that no matter what I do, or say, or think,
I can bring you glory
My great and mighty God
Oh how I long to give You praise!
I long to throw my hands up, and my head back and sing out at the top of my lungs to You,
to dance and jump and get wild and totally free before You
To revel and glory in Your love and grace, to feel you all around to be drenched in You
I want my whole heart, every bit of my soul, every part of my mind, and every ounce of my strength to bring You glory
If only I could play all the instruments, and speak a million languages
I would use them all to bring You praise
Oh how I wish I could gather a million people to all shout praise to You
It would never be enough, never You deserve so much more
Let Your beauty fill me
Let Your love overflow in me
Let Your light shine out of me
Let Your breath be what I breathe
Let Your words be what is on my lips
Let Your thoughts be my thoughts
Let Your heart flow into me
So that no matter what I do, or say, or think,
I can bring you glory
My great and mighty God
Oh how I long to give You praise!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
feast
I woke up anxious again today.
People keep asking how I am - and for some reason when I say 'fine' it feels like I am being dishonest. So instead I say that I am feeling anxious. Then inevitably they ask 'why' and then I say 'I am pretty sure it's oppression.' It may follow with me saying something like, 'I have examined myself and asked the Lord - if it's me or any sin in me - and I come up with nothing, so...'
As I have prayed about it, I usually feel like God keeps saying for me to be patient. That I am supposed to learn to stand up under it. That He is here - whether He feels like it or not.
As I was singing in church today a line from a song we sing based on Psalm 23 stuck out to me ... 'You are my feast in the presence of enemies'. That line says a lot about where I am right now. Stuck in the presence of enemies - this oppression - yet I can still feast on the Lord. Especially in this season of Lent - where the Lord has asked me to give up so much food, to fast, and be present with Him - He is the feast.
I have found at the end of the days that I have fasted that I am still looking for food to be my salvation - instead of the Lord. Yet He is the One who has sustained me all the while.
Oh Lord - be my salvation, be the feast that I run to at the beginning and end of everyday. Come, Spirit, and wash me clean - bring repentance - so that I may be free to worship You even as I eat.
People keep asking how I am - and for some reason when I say 'fine' it feels like I am being dishonest. So instead I say that I am feeling anxious. Then inevitably they ask 'why' and then I say 'I am pretty sure it's oppression.' It may follow with me saying something like, 'I have examined myself and asked the Lord - if it's me or any sin in me - and I come up with nothing, so...'
As I have prayed about it, I usually feel like God keeps saying for me to be patient. That I am supposed to learn to stand up under it. That He is here - whether He feels like it or not.
As I was singing in church today a line from a song we sing based on Psalm 23 stuck out to me ... 'You are my feast in the presence of enemies'. That line says a lot about where I am right now. Stuck in the presence of enemies - this oppression - yet I can still feast on the Lord. Especially in this season of Lent - where the Lord has asked me to give up so much food, to fast, and be present with Him - He is the feast.
I have found at the end of the days that I have fasted that I am still looking for food to be my salvation - instead of the Lord. Yet He is the One who has sustained me all the while.
Oh Lord - be my salvation, be the feast that I run to at the beginning and end of everyday. Come, Spirit, and wash me clean - bring repentance - so that I may be free to worship You even as I eat.
Friday, March 2, 2012
tied together
My question from my last post is ringing in my ears? - God how do I stop trying to 'help' you? What in me still needs to be confessed... you know what? - it doesn't even matter...
I can ask God to lead me to repentance - only He can anyway. I can ask God to reveal my sin - and He will. Only God can fill me with the Spirit - and He has promised He will. Because we/I absolutely can not walk this life without His Spirit. It is impossible for man - but possible for Him.
Andrew Murray's book, 'Absolute Surrender' - has put all in one place - tied together all the loose ends - the journey that the Lord has brought me on for the last 2 years. I am grateful for his obedience so many years ago.
Galatians 3:3
How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect in the flesh?
If I leave any room for the flesh - it will take over and I will fail. It has to be entirely the Lord working through me in the Spirit to be worth anything. He does not fail. And if I fail in the future - which I know I will! - I will know it is because I have given room for the flesh - and I need to humble myself before the Lord again - and let go of whatever I am trying to hold onto.
Any failure - any sin - is because we have chosen the flesh over the Spirit - there - simple. Yet so not - because we/I don't always know we are walking in the flesh. And we don't know what it is truly like to walk in the Spirit - regularly.
My 6 months - my amazing summer - was the only time I have ever walked in the Spirit continually. 6 months out of my whole life as a believer of 20 years. That is not to say God hasn't used me at times - despite myself - but really - wow!
I don't want to get hung up on regret though - I could get lost in there for days ... this is where I am - this is where God is taking me now ... I just need to let go and let Him do it.
So I will wait - wait for God to bring repentance and the Spirit. He will. In the mean time - I will worship!
I can ask God to lead me to repentance - only He can anyway. I can ask God to reveal my sin - and He will. Only God can fill me with the Spirit - and He has promised He will. Because we/I absolutely can not walk this life without His Spirit. It is impossible for man - but possible for Him.
Andrew Murray's book, 'Absolute Surrender' - has put all in one place - tied together all the loose ends - the journey that the Lord has brought me on for the last 2 years. I am grateful for his obedience so many years ago.
Galatians 3:3
How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect in the flesh?
If I leave any room for the flesh - it will take over and I will fail. It has to be entirely the Lord working through me in the Spirit to be worth anything. He does not fail. And if I fail in the future - which I know I will! - I will know it is because I have given room for the flesh - and I need to humble myself before the Lord again - and let go of whatever I am trying to hold onto.
Any failure - any sin - is because we have chosen the flesh over the Spirit - there - simple. Yet so not - because we/I don't always know we are walking in the flesh. And we don't know what it is truly like to walk in the Spirit - regularly.
My 6 months - my amazing summer - was the only time I have ever walked in the Spirit continually. 6 months out of my whole life as a believer of 20 years. That is not to say God hasn't used me at times - despite myself - but really - wow!
I don't want to get hung up on regret though - I could get lost in there for days ... this is where I am - this is where God is taking me now ... I just need to let go and let Him do it.
So I will wait - wait for God to bring repentance and the Spirit. He will. In the mean time - I will worship!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
helpless?
So Lord - How do I become helpless - How do I stop trying to 'help'?
More from Andrew Murray:
Now comes the second lesson. “The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.”
I said a little while ago that there is many a man who has learned the lesson, It is impossible with men, and then he gives up in helpless despair, and lives a wretched Christian life, without joy, or strength, or victory. And why? Because he does not humble himself to learn that other lesson: With God all things are possible.
Your religious life is every day to be a proof that God works impossibilities; your religious life is to be a series of impossibilities made possible and actual by God’s almighty power. That is what the Christian needs. He has an almighty God that he worships, and he must learn to understand that he does not need a little of God’s power, but he needs — with reverence be it said — the whole of God’s omnipotence to keep him right, and to live like a Christian.
Let us look at this question. What has God given us our will for? Had the angels who fell, in their own will, the strength to stand? Verily, no. The will of the creature is nothing but an empty vessel in which the power of God is to be made manifest. The creature must seek in God all that it is to be. You have it in the second chapter of the epistle to the Philippians, and you have it here also, that God’s work is to work in us both to will and to do of His good pleasure. Here is a man who appears to say: “God has not worked to do in me.” But we are taught that God works both to will and to do. How is the apparent contradiction to be reconciled? ...
God allows that failure that the regenerate man should be taught his own utter impotence. It is in the course of this struggle that there comes to us this sense of our utter sinfulness. It is God’s way of dealing with us. He allows that man to strive to fulfill the law that, as he strives and wrestles, he may be brought to this: “I am a regenerate child of God, but I am utterly helpless to obey His law.” See what strong words are used all through the chapter to describe this condition: “I am carnal, sold under sin”; “I see another law in my members bringing me into captivity”; and last of all, “O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?” This believer who bows here in deep contrition is utterly unable to obey the law of God.
God works to will, and He is ready to work to do, but, alas! many Christians misunderstand this. They think because they have the will, it is enough, and that now they are able to do. This is not so. The new will is a permanent gift, an attribute of the new nature. The power to do is not a permanent gift, but must be each moment received from the Holy Spirit. It is the man who is conscious of his own impotence as a believer who will learn that by the Holy Spirit he can live a holy life. This man is on the brink of that great deliverance; the way has been prepared for the glorious eighth chapter. I now ask this solemn question: Where are you living? Is it with you, “O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me?” with now and then a little experience of the power of the Holy Spirit? or is it, “I thank God through Jesus Christ! The law of the Spirit hath set me free from the law of sin and of death”?
I know the answer - but I have not felt the bottom of myself yet. I am still hanging onto - something.
what has been missing
So all of that contributes to where I am today - right now.
I read a bunch of Psalms this morning. This one stood out for me... I posted it earlier.
Psalm 35: 1-3
O LORD, oppose those who oppose me.
Fight those who fight against me.
Put on your armor, and take up your shield.
Prepare for battle, and come to my aid.
Lift up your spear and javelin
against those who pursue me.
Let me hear you say,
“I will give you victory!”
I loved reading about God fighting for me. That is what I have been praying for. I have been wanting God to show up and do His thing and show me whatever I needed to know - no matter how painful it was. And I loved hearing about His victory. I have been praying for His victory to be enacted in my life (to have what is already true about me as a new creature in Christ - no longer a slave to sin - actually be true now!). As I read the words this morning - I knew they were meant for me today - to hang onto.
I had already read a ton of scripture, and prayed a lot. But this is a Lenten fast day for me - so during lunch I snuck away from the kids and came back upstairs and decided to read some more. I did my homework for small group and then the Lord gave me an impression to again pick up 'Absolute Surrender' by Andrew Murray (he is a great writer by the way, friendly and loving but, powerful). Everything after that just seemed to fall into place - and God opened up my heart and mind to see what I have missed.
Andrew Murray writes:
At a later period he comes to another state of mind. He begins to see such a life is impossible, but he does not accept it. There are multitudes of Christians who come to this point: “I cannot”; and then think God never expected them to do what they cannot do. If you tell them that God does expect it, it appears to them a mystery. A good many Christians are living a low life, a life of failure and of sin, instead of rest and victory, because they began to see: “I cannot, it is impossible.” And yet they do not understand it fully, and so, under the impression, I cannot, they give way to despair. They will do their best, but they never expect to get on very far.
But God leads His children on to a third stage, when a man comes to take that, It is impossible, in its full truth, and yet at the same time says: “I must do it, and I will do it — it is impossible for man, and yet I must do it”; when the renewed will begins to exercise its whole power, and in intense longing and prayer begins to cry to God: “Lord, what is the meaning of this? — how am I to be freed from the power of sin?”
This is exactly where I was - asking this same question - How am I to be free. Knowing it is from God - but how - what am I missing?
It is the state of the regenerate man in Romans 7. There you will find the Christian man trying his very utmost to live a holy life. God’s law has been revealed to him as reaching down into the very depth of the desires of the heart, and the man can dare to say:
“I delight in the law of God after the inward man. To will what is good is present with me. My heart loves the law of God, and my will has chosen that law.”
Can a man like that fail, with his heart full of delight in God’s law and with his will determined to do what is right? Yes. That is what Romans 7 teaches us. There is something more needed. Not only must I delight in the law of God after the inward man, and will what God wills, but I need a divine omnipotence to work it in me. And that is what the apostle Paul teaches in Philippians 2:13:
“It is God which worketh in you, both to will and to do.”
Note the contrast. In Romans 7, the regenerate man says: “To will is present with me, but to do — I find I cannot do. I will, but I cannot perform.” But in Philippians 2, you have a man who has been led on farther, a man who understands that when God has worked the renewed will, God will give the power to accomplish what that will desires. Let us receive this as the first great lesson in the spiritual life: “It is impossible for me, my God; let there be an end of the flesh and all its powers, an end of self, and let it be my glory to be helpless.”
Praise God for the divine teaching that makes us helpless!
When you thought of absolute surrender to God were you not brought to an end of yourself, and to feel that you could see how you actually could live as a man absolutely surrendered to God every moment of the day — at your table, in your house, in your business, in the midst of trials and temptations? I pray you learn the lesson now. If you felt you could not do it, you are on the right road, if you let yourselves be led. Accept that position, and maintain it before God: “My heart’s desire and delight, O God, is absolute surrender, but I cannot perform it. It is impossible for me to live that life. It is beyond me.” Fall down and learn that when you are utterly helpless, God will come to work in you not only to will, but also to do.
This is where I have been - trying desperately to get my inward man - the renewed man - to work and serve God - but I have not had His power. I knew I needed His power - but He had not provided it yet - so I have been waiting - knowing what I needed, but not knowing what piece He still felt I have been missing - before He will provide what he has promised.
I have not been helpless.
I read a bunch of Psalms this morning. This one stood out for me... I posted it earlier.
Psalm 35: 1-3
O LORD, oppose those who oppose me.
Fight those who fight against me.
Put on your armor, and take up your shield.
Prepare for battle, and come to my aid.
Lift up your spear and javelin
against those who pursue me.
Let me hear you say,
“I will give you victory!”
I loved reading about God fighting for me. That is what I have been praying for. I have been wanting God to show up and do His thing and show me whatever I needed to know - no matter how painful it was. And I loved hearing about His victory. I have been praying for His victory to be enacted in my life (to have what is already true about me as a new creature in Christ - no longer a slave to sin - actually be true now!). As I read the words this morning - I knew they were meant for me today - to hang onto.
I had already read a ton of scripture, and prayed a lot. But this is a Lenten fast day for me - so during lunch I snuck away from the kids and came back upstairs and decided to read some more. I did my homework for small group and then the Lord gave me an impression to again pick up 'Absolute Surrender' by Andrew Murray (he is a great writer by the way, friendly and loving but, powerful). Everything after that just seemed to fall into place - and God opened up my heart and mind to see what I have missed.
Andrew Murray writes:
At a later period he comes to another state of mind. He begins to see such a life is impossible, but he does not accept it. There are multitudes of Christians who come to this point: “I cannot”; and then think God never expected them to do what they cannot do. If you tell them that God does expect it, it appears to them a mystery. A good many Christians are living a low life, a life of failure and of sin, instead of rest and victory, because they began to see: “I cannot, it is impossible.” And yet they do not understand it fully, and so, under the impression, I cannot, they give way to despair. They will do their best, but they never expect to get on very far.
But God leads His children on to a third stage, when a man comes to take that, It is impossible, in its full truth, and yet at the same time says: “I must do it, and I will do it — it is impossible for man, and yet I must do it”; when the renewed will begins to exercise its whole power, and in intense longing and prayer begins to cry to God: “Lord, what is the meaning of this? — how am I to be freed from the power of sin?”
This is exactly where I was - asking this same question - How am I to be free. Knowing it is from God - but how - what am I missing?
It is the state of the regenerate man in Romans 7. There you will find the Christian man trying his very utmost to live a holy life. God’s law has been revealed to him as reaching down into the very depth of the desires of the heart, and the man can dare to say:
“I delight in the law of God after the inward man. To will what is good is present with me. My heart loves the law of God, and my will has chosen that law.”
Can a man like that fail, with his heart full of delight in God’s law and with his will determined to do what is right? Yes. That is what Romans 7 teaches us. There is something more needed. Not only must I delight in the law of God after the inward man, and will what God wills, but I need a divine omnipotence to work it in me. And that is what the apostle Paul teaches in Philippians 2:13:
“It is God which worketh in you, both to will and to do.”
Note the contrast. In Romans 7, the regenerate man says: “To will is present with me, but to do — I find I cannot do. I will, but I cannot perform.” But in Philippians 2, you have a man who has been led on farther, a man who understands that when God has worked the renewed will, God will give the power to accomplish what that will desires. Let us receive this as the first great lesson in the spiritual life: “It is impossible for me, my God; let there be an end of the flesh and all its powers, an end of self, and let it be my glory to be helpless.”
Praise God for the divine teaching that makes us helpless!
When you thought of absolute surrender to God were you not brought to an end of yourself, and to feel that you could see how you actually could live as a man absolutely surrendered to God every moment of the day — at your table, in your house, in your business, in the midst of trials and temptations? I pray you learn the lesson now. If you felt you could not do it, you are on the right road, if you let yourselves be led. Accept that position, and maintain it before God: “My heart’s desire and delight, O God, is absolute surrender, but I cannot perform it. It is impossible for me to live that life. It is beyond me.” Fall down and learn that when you are utterly helpless, God will come to work in you not only to will, but also to do.
This is where I have been - trying desperately to get my inward man - the renewed man - to work and serve God - but I have not had His power. I knew I needed His power - but He had not provided it yet - so I have been waiting - knowing what I needed, but not knowing what piece He still felt I have been missing - before He will provide what he has promised.
I have not been helpless.
the spirit
I have been learning about the Holy Spirit. I would have to say that I have always known He was supposed to be important but I didn't know exactly why. I knew He was supposed to live inside of me, and remind me of the Bible, and direct my movements. But He didn't seem to do much - He was quiet - too quiet, and He seemed to be like an under active conscience.
That is how He used to seem. No longer!
During my amazing summer - I got to re-meet Him. I had met Him originally when I had gotten saved - He was strong in me then and I let Him work. And then throughout the years He has shown up a few times - and I was always grateful. But He has never consistently led me - I never knew how to let Him - or even knew I needed Him.
During that summer I could hear Him - all the time. He led me to sing His praise, constantly. He helped my eyes to see things the way God does. He felt near - He was near.
And when God removed the filling of the Holy Spirit from me (not the indwelling - there is a difference!) - I began to ask this question - "God, don't you want all believers to walk like that - full of you?" His answer is Yes. That is exactly what He wants for us.
He wants us to live supernatural lives. He wants us to know His voice. He wants us to be led and directed by The Spirit. He wants us to shine like stars amongst a crooked generation. He wants us to worship and adore Him in our hearts always. He wants us to live out our lives in His power - casting off sin, the world, and the enemy - living our lives in His victory. And we need to be filled with the Holy Spirit - to live that kind of life. Otherwise we are living a defeated life ... the life I have been writing about in recent posts - bogged down in sin - scratching for help.
Essentially that is what this whole blog has been about to this point - how do I get the Spirit back? God what must I know, what must I learn - so I can walk with You like that again?
That is how He used to seem. No longer!
During my amazing summer - I got to re-meet Him. I had met Him originally when I had gotten saved - He was strong in me then and I let Him work. And then throughout the years He has shown up a few times - and I was always grateful. But He has never consistently led me - I never knew how to let Him - or even knew I needed Him.
During that summer I could hear Him - all the time. He led me to sing His praise, constantly. He helped my eyes to see things the way God does. He felt near - He was near.
And when God removed the filling of the Holy Spirit from me (not the indwelling - there is a difference!) - I began to ask this question - "God, don't you want all believers to walk like that - full of you?" His answer is Yes. That is exactly what He wants for us.
He wants us to live supernatural lives. He wants us to know His voice. He wants us to be led and directed by The Spirit. He wants us to shine like stars amongst a crooked generation. He wants us to worship and adore Him in our hearts always. He wants us to live out our lives in His power - casting off sin, the world, and the enemy - living our lives in His victory. And we need to be filled with the Holy Spirit - to live that kind of life. Otherwise we are living a defeated life ... the life I have been writing about in recent posts - bogged down in sin - scratching for help.
Essentially that is what this whole blog has been about to this point - how do I get the Spirit back? God what must I know, what must I learn - so I can walk with You like that again?
light
Light has come!
Honestly, I wasn't expecting it so quickly, but I am so grateful! The oppression has not lifted but I have been lifted up within it.
My last 2 posts from earlier today and yesterday - explains how I have been feeling for days, weeks, months and I could even say years. I have been living a defeated life for far too long. A life that has been plagued with continuous sin struggles - the same ones again and again. Anger, gluttony, and other forms of escapism have been idols - weights around my neck. I have been begging God to show me how to be rid of them. Begging Him to show up in His power and defeat them in me. Begging Him to give me the faith to stand in the midst of the battle and submit to His leading.
At first I wanted them gone because they were a bother to me - I wanted to be pretty and seen. I wanted to be loving but I also wanted to appear godly. I wanted God to show up and make my life better... And then God showed me my sin.
When I had my amazing summer with God - that is when I finally realized He wanted to know me. Walk with me, be with me - actually have the relationship with Christ we all talk about. He wants me to talk to Him, share my heart with Him, worship Him, love Him. He wants to show me things the way He sees them, share His power, love, and His heart with me. It was the best time in my life. Nothing has compared - nothing.
When he removed His presence - He told me it was to destroy these idols from my life - He said we have work to do. At first I rebelled and fell into my old ways - blaming Him, not trusting His goodness, running away to my idols. That is when my idols really didn't satisfy - because nothing could compare to my summer with Him. So finally I had to trust Him. I had to believe that He wanted to be with me, I had to believe His word to me. That is when He began to teach me about faith and that is when I began to pray for faith to be born in me. I had the faith of salvation but I did not have the faith that God was good, that He longed to know me, that He did want to grow and change me - and that no matter how much it hurt now - it would all turn out for His glory - and that was what was truly best for me too.
It has been a long and bumpy road - and it is not over yet - but there is light! Faith is being born in me. My heart is changing. I am finally - wholly - submitting to His work in me. I want Him - honestly - I can write this with tears in my eyes and say - I want Him more than anything else. I want His glory to be displayed and I want His glory to shine out of me.
So what is the change? ...
Honestly, I wasn't expecting it so quickly, but I am so grateful! The oppression has not lifted but I have been lifted up within it.
My last 2 posts from earlier today and yesterday - explains how I have been feeling for days, weeks, months and I could even say years. I have been living a defeated life for far too long. A life that has been plagued with continuous sin struggles - the same ones again and again. Anger, gluttony, and other forms of escapism have been idols - weights around my neck. I have been begging God to show me how to be rid of them. Begging Him to show up in His power and defeat them in me. Begging Him to give me the faith to stand in the midst of the battle and submit to His leading.
At first I wanted them gone because they were a bother to me - I wanted to be pretty and seen. I wanted to be loving but I also wanted to appear godly. I wanted God to show up and make my life better... And then God showed me my sin.
When I had my amazing summer with God - that is when I finally realized He wanted to know me. Walk with me, be with me - actually have the relationship with Christ we all talk about. He wants me to talk to Him, share my heart with Him, worship Him, love Him. He wants to show me things the way He sees them, share His power, love, and His heart with me. It was the best time in my life. Nothing has compared - nothing.
When he removed His presence - He told me it was to destroy these idols from my life - He said we have work to do. At first I rebelled and fell into my old ways - blaming Him, not trusting His goodness, running away to my idols. That is when my idols really didn't satisfy - because nothing could compare to my summer with Him. So finally I had to trust Him. I had to believe that He wanted to be with me, I had to believe His word to me. That is when He began to teach me about faith and that is when I began to pray for faith to be born in me. I had the faith of salvation but I did not have the faith that God was good, that He longed to know me, that He did want to grow and change me - and that no matter how much it hurt now - it would all turn out for His glory - and that was what was truly best for me too.
It has been a long and bumpy road - and it is not over yet - but there is light! Faith is being born in me. My heart is changing. I am finally - wholly - submitting to His work in me. I want Him - honestly - I can write this with tears in my eyes and say - I want Him more than anything else. I want His glory to be displayed and I want His glory to shine out of me.
So what is the change? ...
battle
I woke up this morning feeling anxious. I really have nothing in life to be anxious about yet this cloud of oppression is here. I know I was fighting even as I slept too, each time I turned over I heard myself singing in my heart, reaching out to the Lord.
It turned out to be a snow day for my kids - no school. It is a mixed blessing. I didn't have to get up to prepare them for the day and get them out the door to the bus - that was a blessing. The part I am really hoping God shows up in - is our interaction throughout the day. I have been snappy, grumpy, and ugly. For what has been weeks now. I am getting on my own nerves - and am constantly wondering why I bother to open my mouth at all. My flesh has won may small victories. I have hurt my kids, and my husband.
This is a battle. And I refuse to let my flesh, and Satan's lies win. Yesterday as I wrote my entry I felt a small victory. I got to the end and instead of falling into a heap of despair - I turned my thoughts back to the Lord. In the past - I definitely would have decided to eat and watch TV. I would have listened and even entertained the lies of the enemy. Instead, I chose faith in Him.
Today, will be hard. It is already hard. As I write my son is literally screaming in his room over something ridiculous. I will have to address him, and I really want what I say to be from the Lord and not from my flesh. I am also into my Lenten fast - so calories are low and even lower today as I fast through 3 of my small Medifast meals. Energy and drive to do anything are lacking.
I must choose faith, otherwise this battle will come again, and Christ will not get the glory now. And I want it to be over and I want Christ to be glorified in me. I know He is testing me - and I want to pass. I want more of Him and I want my flesh - these strongholds - to be broken in me. Lord be here today - work in me.
Psalm 35: 1-3
O LORD, oppose those who oppose me.
Fight those who fight against me.
Put on your armor, and take up your shield.
Prepare for battle, and come to my aid.
Lift up your spear and javelin
against those who pursue me.
Let me hear you say,
“I will give you victory!”
It turned out to be a snow day for my kids - no school. It is a mixed blessing. I didn't have to get up to prepare them for the day and get them out the door to the bus - that was a blessing. The part I am really hoping God shows up in - is our interaction throughout the day. I have been snappy, grumpy, and ugly. For what has been weeks now. I am getting on my own nerves - and am constantly wondering why I bother to open my mouth at all. My flesh has won may small victories. I have hurt my kids, and my husband.
This is a battle. And I refuse to let my flesh, and Satan's lies win. Yesterday as I wrote my entry I felt a small victory. I got to the end and instead of falling into a heap of despair - I turned my thoughts back to the Lord. In the past - I definitely would have decided to eat and watch TV. I would have listened and even entertained the lies of the enemy. Instead, I chose faith in Him.
Today, will be hard. It is already hard. As I write my son is literally screaming in his room over something ridiculous. I will have to address him, and I really want what I say to be from the Lord and not from my flesh. I am also into my Lenten fast - so calories are low and even lower today as I fast through 3 of my small Medifast meals. Energy and drive to do anything are lacking.
I must choose faith, otherwise this battle will come again, and Christ will not get the glory now. And I want it to be over and I want Christ to be glorified in me. I know He is testing me - and I want to pass. I want more of Him and I want my flesh - these strongholds - to be broken in me. Lord be here today - work in me.
Psalm 35: 1-3
O LORD, oppose those who oppose me.
Fight those who fight against me.
Put on your armor, and take up your shield.
Prepare for battle, and come to my aid.
Lift up your spear and javelin
against those who pursue me.
Let me hear you say,
“I will give you victory!”
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