i will

I am not sure it is wise to write right now. I am all over the place.

This morning as I prayed I longed for the Lord to feel near. I cried out for Him, I prayed for His Spirit to be unleashed and to rescue me and many who I know are suffering. And I actually do believe that He will come and do just that.

Later in the morning, the weight of my sin, and this seemingly never ending sense of oppression was so heavy. The gloom and fog that come are overwhelming. It is hard to think, hard to pray, hard to remember that Jesus loves me. And all I want is to shake it loose. I want to eat, and bury myself in self-pity, and watch TV and forget.

Instead, I emailed a friend and asked her to pray. She is the kind of friend you know prays when you ask her to. She contacted me right away full of prayer. I am grateful for her. And then I got up, put my iPod full of worship music on, and started the days chores (they weren't even the ones I like to do either!).

Hours later the gloom is still here. My resolve to stand firm in belief is melting away. My mind immediately goes to blaming everyone else around me for being annoying or irritating or straight to blaming God. Why do You make promises you don't keep? Where is Your peace, where is the power of Your Spirit to overcome? And then I get mad at myself for being so sinful and wish I could either run away from everything or wish I was born with a sweeter kinder personality - and then at least being kind would not feel so hard.

I don't want my mind filled with such disbelief. I don't want to continue the way that I have been. I don't want to let the doubt and Satan's lies to win. I don't want to wallow, and get fat, and wash my cares away in TV or whatever. I want the Lord. I want to be faithful. I want His Spirit to renew me, change me, and empower me to follow Him and love Him - no matter what.

The weight is still here. And I have to say - God does not feel near, and there is no peace. In fact - I am amazed I am being coherent right now - my brain is full of crazy thoughts.... But I will keep turning to the Lord. I will trust Him. I will believe that He is always good and wants what is good for me. I will be patient and wait for His deliverance. I have to - I don't want my old life anymore. I want the one He wants for me. And I want to bring Him glory.