40 days

There are days like this one that I feel really stupid. I haven't done anything in particular that is stupid, it's just that I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions the last few days, I am up one minute and depressed the next, lethargic, unmotivated, yet prayerful and hopeful. I feel stupid because I feel like I shouldn't feel down at all having just had an amazing retreat with God. Yet this is where I am.

So I am planning big things for Lent. I am hoping to fast twice a week, exercise 3 times a week, and do Medifast ( a diet plan ) the entire time. 40 days of sacrifice and obedience.

This damn food addiction is killing me. I feel guilty when I eat, I feel guilty when I don't eat. I crave food constantly, I am hungry all the time. I never know what the Lord wants me to eat and what I should steer clear of all together. I can't hear the Lord's direction. So I am committing the 40 days of Lent to what I think He is calling me to ... and choosing to make a drastic sacrifice in hopes of shaking my mind and heart awake - so I CAN hear the Lord clearly in this mess.

The fasting is for added time in prayer, and focus during the day. I will only be fasting from after breakfast until dinner on these days. But then there will also be a fast from all food from the Thursday night dinner just before Good Friday - through to Easter dinner. I will be praying for this addiction to be broken and for freedom to just enjoy food as it should be without overeating, without craving - and to worship God with my body - with my mind devoted to Him.

I will be doing the Medifast plan when I eat because its very prescribed. I just eat what I am told, when I am told - very little thinking. I know it has the right nutrition, keeps my body satisfied, and that it is safe. And also that it is low in calories ... I do want the whole of Lent to be a sacrifice as well - and believe me Medifast is just that - there is not much in there that is tasty.

I want to exercise but really hate it. I would love to make it a habit and enjoy it - but we will see where this leads. I will just be doing a light workout on my total gym in the basement and perhaps if the temperature improves a little running/walking. I definitely prefer to exercise outside.

I know part of my emotional roller coaster has been because I am not eating right. I know that part of the roller coaster is that I am not being obedient. The problem is that I am not sure what either of those things is supposed to look like in my daily life ... so perhaps as I pray and set my mind and body on the Lord during this time it will become clearer. I pray it does.  

I have been reflecting on Daniel 10 a little as I get myself prepared. The whole chapter is amazing but what I love most is that when the Lord gave Daniel a vision - He did something about it. He prayed for 3 weeks, he mourned and fasted. He gave up basic things to seek the Lord earnestly. No one asked him to - he was compelled to do it. He wanted to know the Lord's mind - He wanted understanding and clarity. That is what I want too. I am feeling trapped and I want out.

So Lord, please help me, I pray.

Daniel 10: 2,3
When this vision came to me, I, Daniel, had been in mourning for three whole weeks. All that time I had eaten no rich food. No meat or wine crossed my lips, and I used no fragrant lotions until those three weeks had passed.