i will

I am not sure it is wise to write right now. I am all over the place.

This morning as I prayed I longed for the Lord to feel near. I cried out for Him, I prayed for His Spirit to be unleashed and to rescue me and many who I know are suffering. And I actually do believe that He will come and do just that.

Later in the morning, the weight of my sin, and this seemingly never ending sense of oppression was so heavy. The gloom and fog that come are overwhelming. It is hard to think, hard to pray, hard to remember that Jesus loves me. And all I want is to shake it loose. I want to eat, and bury myself in self-pity, and watch TV and forget.

Instead, I emailed a friend and asked her to pray. She is the kind of friend you know prays when you ask her to. She contacted me right away full of prayer. I am grateful for her. And then I got up, put my iPod full of worship music on, and started the days chores (they weren't even the ones I like to do either!).

Hours later the gloom is still here. My resolve to stand firm in belief is melting away. My mind immediately goes to blaming everyone else around me for being annoying or irritating or straight to blaming God. Why do You make promises you don't keep? Where is Your peace, where is the power of Your Spirit to overcome? And then I get mad at myself for being so sinful and wish I could either run away from everything or wish I was born with a sweeter kinder personality - and then at least being kind would not feel so hard.

I don't want my mind filled with such disbelief. I don't want to continue the way that I have been. I don't want to let the doubt and Satan's lies to win. I don't want to wallow, and get fat, and wash my cares away in TV or whatever. I want the Lord. I want to be faithful. I want His Spirit to renew me, change me, and empower me to follow Him and love Him - no matter what.

The weight is still here. And I have to say - God does not feel near, and there is no peace. In fact - I am amazed I am being coherent right now - my brain is full of crazy thoughts.... But I will keep turning to the Lord. I will trust Him. I will believe that He is always good and wants what is good for me. I will be patient and wait for His deliverance. I have to - I don't want my old life anymore. I want the one He wants for me. And I want to bring Him glory.

rescue

I woke up in despair this morning. All night long I felt the presence of evil discouraging me, filling my dreams with darkness.

This weight of darkness has been pressing in on me for weeks now. It is hard to stand under. It is hard to breathe. It is hard to move.

How do I believe the truth? How do I stay focused on who the Lord has declared me to be? How do I walk in my oneness with Him? How do I walk in my newness? How do I walk in the Spirit? How do I shine with the fruit of the Spirit? How do I overcome in Your victorious power? How do I push off my flesh and say no to its desires? How do I walk away from Satan's lies? How do I get this weight off my chest?

I turned to the Lord. I cried out. I told Him what is wrong.

Will you rescue me, Lord?

I know what is true ... will You make it true in me, Lord? Will you make all of this true in my heart? Break down my walls - make me wholly open to You. Work in me.

requested

A friend requested a reading list. This is going to be thorough. I thought why just write down the ones that have been big for me this year ... Instead, I am just going to write down all that have been big in my life - then as I continue forward I can just add on.

I became a Christ Follower when I was 16. That is really when I started reading. I didn't enjoy reading until I began to read my Bible and then wanted to know more about it. So the first on my list ' My First 30 Quiet Times ' - pretty sure you can't get that one anymore but it drew me in and I began to devour my Bible ... It made me want more!

I'll start with what I am reading and have read recently (within the last 6 months). I typically am reading 5 to 10 books at a time for various study reasons... I will rate on a 5 star scale - 5 being the highest.

A Disruptive Faith  -  A.W. Tozer  **** - so far
Absolute Surrender  -  Andrew Murray  **** - so far
Why Revival Tarries  -  Leonard Ravenhill  ** - so far
Living Sacrifice  -  Helen Rosevere  ***
The Valley of Vision  -  Arthur Bennet ( compilation )  ****
Experiencing the Spirit  -  Robert Heidler  ***** - can not recommend enough!
A Long Obedience in the Same Direction  -  Eugene Peterson  ***
Surrender to the Spirit  -  Keith Miller  *
Prayer  -  Richard Foster  ****
Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret  -  Howard Taylor  ****
A Praying Life  - Paul Miller  ****
The Beginner's Guide to Spiritual Gifts  -  Sam Storms  ***
The Beginner's Guide to the Gift of Prophecy  -  Jack Deere  ***
God's Empowering Presence  -  Gordon Fee  -  a reference tool  ***

Seems like there should be more! I have been looking through lots of books looking for just the right read - so there many snip its and chapters here and there too I guess. The only one I absolutely cannot recommend from the above list is Keith Miller's book - he is a terrible writer - though there are many interesting stories!

Here is the list from recent years (at least that I can remember) this does not include any fiction that I have read - if it did I would have to recommend the Twilight series - loved it! ... I will mark my standout favorites with a star.

Spiritual Classics  -  Foster/Griffin *

Devotional Classics  - Foster/Griffin *  

     - these 2 books are compilations and influenced many of the choices below

Spiritual Direction and Meditation  -  Thomas Merton
When the Heart Waits  -  Sue Monk Kidd *
     - about the importance of waiting on the Lord
Battling Unbelief  -  John Piper
Spiritual Intimacy with God  -  Alice Smith
Beyond the Veil  -  Alice Smith *
    - a great book on intercession
Talking with God  -  Fenelon
Celebration of Discipline  -  Richard Foster
On the Unity of Christ  -  St. Cyril of Alexandria
Sacred Romance  -  Curtis/Eldridge *
    - a great book on understanding where we fit in God's design
The Pilgrim's Progress  -  Paul Bunyon
Rilke's Book of Hours  -  Rilke
Abandonment to Divine Providence  -  Jean Pierre de Caussade
Sacred Influence  -  Gary Thomas *
When Two Become One  -  Chris McCluskey *
    - a great book on intimacy
Practicing the Presence  -  Brother Lawerence/Laubach **
      - an amazing book that still shapes the way I am praying
        and the reason I began to blog
Intercessory Prayer  -  Dutch Sheets *
       - has forever changed the way I pray
Don't Waste Your Life  -  John Piper
A Path Through Suffering  -  Elisabeth Elliot
The Helper  -  Catherine Marshall
The Best of Catherine Marshall  -  Catherine Marshall
Prayer  -  C. Peter Wagner
Intimacy with God  -  Peter Keating
Gift From the Sea  -  Anne Morrow Lindburgh
How to Meditate - Avery Brooks
Sensational Meditation for Children  -  Sarah Wood Valley
Same Kind of Different as Me  -  Hall/Moore

Here is the list of ones that I still recommend and refer to even after reading them so long ago... all have helped shape me - some have been life changing. I will mark the life changers with a star.

Girl Meets God  -  Lauren Winner
Mudhouse Sabbath  -  Lauren Winner
Christian Beliefs  -  Wayne Grudem
Revolution Within  -  Dwight Edwards *
    - helped begin my understanding of my true identity in Christ
Ragamuffin Gospel  -  Brennan Manning
Spiritual Direction  -  Henri Nouwen
The Barbarian Way  -  Irwin McManus
Celtic Benediction  -  J. Philip Newell
The 5 Love Languages  -  Gary Chapman
Captivating  -  John/Stasi Eldridge
Radical Womanhood  -  Carolyn McCulley
Why Beauty Matters  -  Thorpe/Hicks
The New Eve  -  Robert Lewis
Shepherdng a Child's Heart  -  Ted Tripp
Don't Make Me Count to 3!  -  Ginger Plowman
Talking to Your Kids About Sex  -  Mark Lasser
Intended For Pleasure  -  Ed/Gay Wheat
A Celebration of Sex  -  Douglas Rosenau
The Gift of Sex  -  Penner/Penner
Inside Out  - Larry Crabb *
    - helped me understand my sin nature and begin a deeper journey
The Marriage Builder  -  Larry Crabb *
    - has shaped my marriage and all our marriage counseling
No Compromise  -  Melody Green *
    - helped lead me to a deep repentance at a dark time

I am sure there are many others too! I have read all/most of Larry Crabb's books - and would recommend any of them.

40 days

There are days like this one that I feel really stupid. I haven't done anything in particular that is stupid, it's just that I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions the last few days, I am up one minute and depressed the next, lethargic, unmotivated, yet prayerful and hopeful. I feel stupid because I feel like I shouldn't feel down at all having just had an amazing retreat with God. Yet this is where I am.

So I am planning big things for Lent. I am hoping to fast twice a week, exercise 3 times a week, and do Medifast ( a diet plan ) the entire time. 40 days of sacrifice and obedience.

This damn food addiction is killing me. I feel guilty when I eat, I feel guilty when I don't eat. I crave food constantly, I am hungry all the time. I never know what the Lord wants me to eat and what I should steer clear of all together. I can't hear the Lord's direction. So I am committing the 40 days of Lent to what I think He is calling me to ... and choosing to make a drastic sacrifice in hopes of shaking my mind and heart awake - so I CAN hear the Lord clearly in this mess.

The fasting is for added time in prayer, and focus during the day. I will only be fasting from after breakfast until dinner on these days. But then there will also be a fast from all food from the Thursday night dinner just before Good Friday - through to Easter dinner. I will be praying for this addiction to be broken and for freedom to just enjoy food as it should be without overeating, without craving - and to worship God with my body - with my mind devoted to Him.

I will be doing the Medifast plan when I eat because its very prescribed. I just eat what I am told, when I am told - very little thinking. I know it has the right nutrition, keeps my body satisfied, and that it is safe. And also that it is low in calories ... I do want the whole of Lent to be a sacrifice as well - and believe me Medifast is just that - there is not much in there that is tasty.

I want to exercise but really hate it. I would love to make it a habit and enjoy it - but we will see where this leads. I will just be doing a light workout on my total gym in the basement and perhaps if the temperature improves a little running/walking. I definitely prefer to exercise outside.

I know part of my emotional roller coaster has been because I am not eating right. I know that part of the roller coaster is that I am not being obedient. The problem is that I am not sure what either of those things is supposed to look like in my daily life ... so perhaps as I pray and set my mind and body on the Lord during this time it will become clearer. I pray it does.  

I have been reflecting on Daniel 10 a little as I get myself prepared. The whole chapter is amazing but what I love most is that when the Lord gave Daniel a vision - He did something about it. He prayed for 3 weeks, he mourned and fasted. He gave up basic things to seek the Lord earnestly. No one asked him to - he was compelled to do it. He wanted to know the Lord's mind - He wanted understanding and clarity. That is what I want too. I am feeling trapped and I want out.

So Lord, please help me, I pray.

Daniel 10: 2,3
When this vision came to me, I, Daniel, had been in mourning for three whole weeks. All that time I had eaten no rich food. No meat or wine crossed my lips, and I used no fragrant lotions until those three weeks had passed.

wonder

I was just in Florida. Anna Maria Island. It was beautiful and quiet. The weather was perfect - 70's and 80's. I spent most of my days on the beach worshipping along with my iPod, reading scripture, and reading a couple of books. A lot of time was just spent soaking up the serene beach.

There were so many moments where I just felt so loved by God. I prayed very simple prayers and God answered them. Things like - 'God, it would be awesome to see a dolphin', or 'can you bring that really tall bird over here so I can see him?' But, God answered all my seemingly silly requests and gave me some wonderful surprises too. The first time I saw one of the dolphins was during sunset. As we watched the sun going down a dolphin jumped right up out of the water - right in front of the sun. And when I asked to see the tall bird (later I found out it was a Heron), the Lord brought him right in front of me, along with a bunch of sandpipers, and seagulls playing over head, and pelicans diving in the ocean just beyond. Birds were everywhere - it was so beautiful - and I knew that God had brought them to me to show me all His handiwork. And my heart worshipped and thanked Him. He just kept the gifts coming  all week long, moment after moment.

I went on this retreat not knowing what to expect but hoping for some big things. I did not get the big things I was hoping for. I did not get a lot of clarity, direction, or vision from the Lord. But, I am thankful for His love and His presence and all the beauty He showed me. I am thankful that he showed me that He cares about even my small desires. He showed me what it is to see His wonder again and just worship Him with childlike thankfulness.