I am off next week to a wonderful retreat in Florida with my husband. We will be in a free condo on the beach, he will be working/writing/retreating on his own and I will have many days of solitude.
I haven't known just what I wanted to spend my days doing - not specifically anyway. There have been books purchased, and I have prayed many prayers asking God to be present... but mostly I feel like the Lord is waiting to reveal the entire purpose of our trip.
It feels like I am being drawn into a deep breath ... and soon... in the exhale He will reveal it all.
As I wrote in my last post - I do feel a call to deeper repentance ... though, I am not sure what that means exactly. I feel called to fast ... so I will be doing some of that as well. Mostly, I want to seek the Lord, and I want to be found by Him - I want to feel His presence - I want to feel Him near and worship. I want to feel Him working in me, making me clean, making me ready for whatever is next.
I was reading a prayer in the Puritan collection The Valley of Vision, called Openness... it speaks my heart better than I do.
Lord of Immortality,
Before whom angels bow and archangels veil their faces,
enable me to serve thee with reverence and godly fear.
Thou who art Spirit and requirest truth in the inward parts,
help me to worship thee in spirit and in truth.
Thou who art righteous,
let me not harbour sin in my heart,
or indulge a worldly temper,
or seek satisfaction in things that perish.
I hasten towards an hour
when earthly pursuits and possessions will appear vain,
when it will be indifferent whether I have been rich or poor,
successful or disappointed,
admired or despised.
But it will be of eternal moment that I have
mourned for sin,
hungered and thirsted after righteousness,
loved the Lord Jesus in sincerity,
gloried in his cross.
May these objects engross my chief solicitude!
Produce in me those principles and dispositions
that make thy service perfect freedom.
Expel from my mind all sinful fear and shame,
so that with firmness and courage I may
confess the Redeemer before men,
go forth with him bearing his reproach,
be zealous with his knowledge,
be filled with his wisdom,
walk with his circumspection,
ask counsel of him in all things,
repair to the Scriptures for his orders,
stay my mind on his peace,
knowing that nothing can befall me
without his permission, appointment and administration.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
cake and humility
I have been reading Andrew Murray's Absolute Surrender. I have been reading/thinking about the passage below over and over again the past couple of days - feeling like the Lord is speaking to me through it. He is speaking about Peter's life, and his repentance after he denied Jesus, then these are his conclusions...
The first lesson is this—You may be a very earnest, godly, devoted believer, in whom the power of the flesh is yet very strong.
That is a very solemn truth. Peter, before he denied Christ, had cast out devils and had healed the sick; and yet the flesh had power, and the flesh had room in him. Oh, beloved, we have to realize that it is just because there is so much of that self-life in us that the power of God cannot work in us as mightily as God is willing that it should work. Do you realize that the great God is longing to double His blessing, to give tenfold blessing through us? But there is something hindering Him, and that something is a proof of nothing but the self-life. (WOW) We talk about the pride of Peter, and the impetuosity of Peter, and the self-confidence of Peter. It all rooted in that one word, self. Christ had said, “Deny self,” and Peter had never understood, and never obeyed; and every failing came out of that.
What a solemn thought, and what an urgent plea for us to cry: O God, do reveal this to us, that none of us may be living the self-life! It has happened to many a one who had been a Christian for years, who had perhaps occupied a prominent position, that God found him out and taught him to find himself out, and he became utterly ashamed, falling down broken before God. Oh, the bitter shame and sorrow and pain and agony that came to him, until at last he found that there was deliverance! Peter went out and wept bitterly, and there may be many a godly one in whom the power of the flesh still rules.
And then my second lesson is—It is the work of our blessed Lord Jesus to reveal the power of self.
How was it that Peter, the carnal Peter, self-willed Peter, Peter with the strong self-love, ever became a man of Pentecost and the writer of his epistles? It was because Christ had him in charge, and Christ watched over him, and Christ taught and blessed him. The warnings that Christ had given him were part of the training; and last of all there came that look of love. In His suffering Christ did not forget him, but turned round and looked upon him, and “Peter went out and wept bitterly.” And the Christ who led Peter to Pentecost is waiting today to take charge of every heart that is willing to surrender itself to Him.
Are there not some saying: “Ah! that is the mischief with me; it is always the self-life, and self-comfort, and self-consciousness, and self-pleasing, and self-will; how am I to get rid of it?”
My answer is: It is Christ Jesus who can rid you of it; none else but Christ Jesus can give deliverance from the power of self. And what does He ask you to do? He asks that you should humble yourself before Him.
Some verses I am thinking on... what does it mean to humble myself?
2 Chronicles 7:14
Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.
Daniel 10: 2-3, 12
When this vision came to me, I, Daniel, had been in mourning for three whole weeks. All that time I had eaten no rich food. No meat or wine crossed my lips, and I used no fragrant lotions until those three weeks had passed... Then he said, “Don’t be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer.
1 Peter 5: 5-7
In the same way, you younger men must accept the authority of the elders. And all of you, serve each other in humility, for “God opposes the proud but favors the humble.”So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
I have not fully repented of my food addiction, I have not humbled myself before the Lord totally - I have reserved some of my flesh for myself. I have not laid aside all my comforts and turned to the Lord - I keep trying to have my cake and eat it too - quite literally. And just to heap more trouble on myself in the last couple of days I have been wallowing in self pity. Ugg - who can save me from this body of death - Thank You Jesus - the victory is Yours -You have already done it all - make it true in me!
The first lesson is this—You may be a very earnest, godly, devoted believer, in whom the power of the flesh is yet very strong.
That is a very solemn truth. Peter, before he denied Christ, had cast out devils and had healed the sick; and yet the flesh had power, and the flesh had room in him. Oh, beloved, we have to realize that it is just because there is so much of that self-life in us that the power of God cannot work in us as mightily as God is willing that it should work. Do you realize that the great God is longing to double His blessing, to give tenfold blessing through us? But there is something hindering Him, and that something is a proof of nothing but the self-life. (WOW) We talk about the pride of Peter, and the impetuosity of Peter, and the self-confidence of Peter. It all rooted in that one word, self. Christ had said, “Deny self,” and Peter had never understood, and never obeyed; and every failing came out of that.
What a solemn thought, and what an urgent plea for us to cry: O God, do reveal this to us, that none of us may be living the self-life! It has happened to many a one who had been a Christian for years, who had perhaps occupied a prominent position, that God found him out and taught him to find himself out, and he became utterly ashamed, falling down broken before God. Oh, the bitter shame and sorrow and pain and agony that came to him, until at last he found that there was deliverance! Peter went out and wept bitterly, and there may be many a godly one in whom the power of the flesh still rules.
And then my second lesson is—It is the work of our blessed Lord Jesus to reveal the power of self.
How was it that Peter, the carnal Peter, self-willed Peter, Peter with the strong self-love, ever became a man of Pentecost and the writer of his epistles? It was because Christ had him in charge, and Christ watched over him, and Christ taught and blessed him. The warnings that Christ had given him were part of the training; and last of all there came that look of love. In His suffering Christ did not forget him, but turned round and looked upon him, and “Peter went out and wept bitterly.” And the Christ who led Peter to Pentecost is waiting today to take charge of every heart that is willing to surrender itself to Him.
Are there not some saying: “Ah! that is the mischief with me; it is always the self-life, and self-comfort, and self-consciousness, and self-pleasing, and self-will; how am I to get rid of it?”
My answer is: It is Christ Jesus who can rid you of it; none else but Christ Jesus can give deliverance from the power of self. And what does He ask you to do? He asks that you should humble yourself before Him.
Some verses I am thinking on... what does it mean to humble myself?
2 Chronicles 7:14
Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.
Daniel 10: 2-3, 12
When this vision came to me, I, Daniel, had been in mourning for three whole weeks. All that time I had eaten no rich food. No meat or wine crossed my lips, and I used no fragrant lotions until those three weeks had passed... Then he said, “Don’t be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer.
1 Peter 5: 5-7
In the same way, you younger men must accept the authority of the elders. And all of you, serve each other in humility, for “God opposes the proud but favors the humble.”So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
I have not fully repented of my food addiction, I have not humbled myself before the Lord totally - I have reserved some of my flesh for myself. I have not laid aside all my comforts and turned to the Lord - I keep trying to have my cake and eat it too - quite literally. And just to heap more trouble on myself in the last couple of days I have been wallowing in self pity. Ugg - who can save me from this body of death - Thank You Jesus - the victory is Yours -You have already done it all - make it true in me!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
patient
I am trying to be patient. I gotta say its going better than usual - I am not really a patient person.
I am waiting on God - to do something ... though I am not quite sure what that is. I have only had glimpses of what it might be. A spiritual renewal - in me, my family, and/or church. An unleashing of the Spirit. I can feel it building - His energy, His movements.
I have been praying for it. I have been led to be praying for God's Spirit to fill me, fill me and my church with His power to overcome - to live out His victory. I have been praying for more to pray - and I have been seeing that happen too.
I am trying to wait and think about the joy He will bring, the freedom, His presence. I am praying for us to be open, expectant and abandoned unto Him. It's exciting. I can't wait to see how it all unfolds.
I am waiting on God - to do something ... though I am not quite sure what that is. I have only had glimpses of what it might be. A spiritual renewal - in me, my family, and/or church. An unleashing of the Spirit. I can feel it building - His energy, His movements.
I have been praying for it. I have been led to be praying for God's Spirit to fill me, fill me and my church with His power to overcome - to live out His victory. I have been praying for more to pray - and I have been seeing that happen too.
I am trying to wait and think about the joy He will bring, the freedom, His presence. I am praying for us to be open, expectant and abandoned unto Him. It's exciting. I can't wait to see how it all unfolds.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
just mundane?
This morning I have been feeling burdened to be praying about a conversation I had last night:
I was with a group of friends and we were talking about what faith is and isn't. Someone asked what Christ followers are supposed to live like in light of Christ's return and an eternity in heaven. I started sharing about living abandoned to God - that willingness to give up, lay aside, sacrifice - whatever God asks - to live the kind of life He is calling us to. I said I have never known someone like that (I have read about them).
Then someone else said - What if God needs people just to plod along and do the mundane things? ... I don't disagree that the mundane needs to get done - I do it all the time around my home and in my life. But do I think that God has called us to be His followers - His disciples - His people - JUST to do the mundane - no I do not think that at all! I said as much ... Look at all the amazing people - regular people like the disciples who did amazing things with the gifts that God gave them. They were wide open submitted to Jesus, full of the Spirit... and they helped change the whole world forever. Why can't we be like that too! We need to exercise the faith we have been given! We need to start moving forward and begin making small sacrifices now - learning what its like - so that when Jesus asks us to make bigger ones we are ready.
Oh how I wanted to scream after last night - and all the apathy, indifference, questioning looks, and even a look of disdain - at the notion that maybe we aren't living as Christ has called us to. How lazy and weak and tired we all are! I know I have much more to learn and grow, sacrifice and do!
Father, rain down Your Spirit on us! Change us, open us, free us from ourselves! Oh change me God - I don't want to be this version of myself ever again - I want to be full of You! Full of love and grace - and I want to be a part of the amazing things You have planned - show me what to do!
Luke 9: 23-25
Then he (Jesus) said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?
Romans 12: 1-2
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
I was with a group of friends and we were talking about what faith is and isn't. Someone asked what Christ followers are supposed to live like in light of Christ's return and an eternity in heaven. I started sharing about living abandoned to God - that willingness to give up, lay aside, sacrifice - whatever God asks - to live the kind of life He is calling us to. I said I have never known someone like that (I have read about them).
Then someone else said - What if God needs people just to plod along and do the mundane things? ... I don't disagree that the mundane needs to get done - I do it all the time around my home and in my life. But do I think that God has called us to be His followers - His disciples - His people - JUST to do the mundane - no I do not think that at all! I said as much ... Look at all the amazing people - regular people like the disciples who did amazing things with the gifts that God gave them. They were wide open submitted to Jesus, full of the Spirit... and they helped change the whole world forever. Why can't we be like that too! We need to exercise the faith we have been given! We need to start moving forward and begin making small sacrifices now - learning what its like - so that when Jesus asks us to make bigger ones we are ready.
Oh how I wanted to scream after last night - and all the apathy, indifference, questioning looks, and even a look of disdain - at the notion that maybe we aren't living as Christ has called us to. How lazy and weak and tired we all are! I know I have much more to learn and grow, sacrifice and do!
Father, rain down Your Spirit on us! Change us, open us, free us from ourselves! Oh change me God - I don't want to be this version of myself ever again - I want to be full of You! Full of love and grace - and I want to be a part of the amazing things You have planned - show me what to do!
Luke 9: 23-25
Then he (Jesus) said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?
Romans 12: 1-2
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
conquer
Father,
I am frustrated, I am trying to wait patiently, I am wondering where your power is?
I want so badly to overcome this sin in my life. I want to stop overeating, and thinking about food and how much it would be nice to eat this or that without it becoming debilitating and cause me to want even more of this or that! Will there be a day soon when food is just food and not some vicious beast that draws my mind and body away from you? My flesh wants to eat like a 'normal person' but as soon as I do eat like I see others just enjoying food - I gain weight and my mind doesn't just enjoy it - it craves, it longs, it loves food and flavor more than I love you.
I have prayed, I have waited, I have rested in you, I have gone back and forth and all over trying to understand, I have done Bible studies, I have dieted for what seems like forever (years actually), I have exercised, I have reshaped my life, I have cried out to you, begged, pleaded ... yet food and my flesh still have a grip on me.
I don't want their power in my life anymore - I want to see Yours displayed! When will this be conquered and be in the past - a glorious story to tell of your love and might in my life? You have already conquered sin and death when Christ died and rose can you be more present in this? What does it mean to be One with You - complete in Christ - yet to still have such sin lingering in me?
I am frustrated, I am trying to wait patiently, I am wondering where your power is?
I want so badly to overcome this sin in my life. I want to stop overeating, and thinking about food and how much it would be nice to eat this or that without it becoming debilitating and cause me to want even more of this or that! Will there be a day soon when food is just food and not some vicious beast that draws my mind and body away from you? My flesh wants to eat like a 'normal person' but as soon as I do eat like I see others just enjoying food - I gain weight and my mind doesn't just enjoy it - it craves, it longs, it loves food and flavor more than I love you.
I have prayed, I have waited, I have rested in you, I have gone back and forth and all over trying to understand, I have done Bible studies, I have dieted for what seems like forever (years actually), I have exercised, I have reshaped my life, I have cried out to you, begged, pleaded ... yet food and my flesh still have a grip on me.
I don't want their power in my life anymore - I want to see Yours displayed! When will this be conquered and be in the past - a glorious story to tell of your love and might in my life? You have already conquered sin and death when Christ died and rose can you be more present in this? What does it mean to be One with You - complete in Christ - yet to still have such sin lingering in me?
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