hunger

Food.

Everyday it comes down to food for me. Did I do well today? What did I eat that I shouldn't have? What can I eat? Should I eat? What should I eat, Lord?

I am so damn sick of the whole thing. Sick of this sin - sick of me in this sin.

This past fall I had really hoped to learn from the Lord what I need to be free. And that was after the Spring and Lent when I thought the Lord would free me. Then after Spring I had summer - the summer of indulging in whatever I wanted - revealing that I have made little to no progress in this sin struggle.

The Spring was fasting and Lent ... praying through my need and learning to trust the Lord. Then for some reason taking the summer off seemed okay at the time. It wasn't.

The Fall was praying through spiritual warfare prayer and learning about strongholds and generational sin etc... helpful in understanding, but I am still wondering what the practical day to day looks like.

This morning I felt so frustrated. There is a really big part of me that wants to throw in the towel along with all my smaller clothes and give in to the new old me. I am sick of thinking about it - fighting it everyday. I want to eat. I love food. I am hungry all the time. I don't want restrictions - I want to eat whatever and have it not matter! Just to be. Just to enjoy. Just to relax.

But I want my cake and to eat it too.

Because the other part of me wants to be godly. I really want this sin killed in me. I want to be healthy and serve the Lord and be the right weight for me. I want everything in me to sing praises to Jesus and to be free in Him. Be full on Him. To relax in Him. To enjoy Him.

And this sin feels so in the way.

Here are my 2 natures at war. The flesh wants what it wants without God interfering. And the Spirit wants to be free to serve the Lord in everything.

I feel the Lord calling me to fast ... but it is Christmas time - and it seems so ill-timed. I feel the Lord calling me to accountability to my husband ... but that whole idea sounds really awful. Not because my husband is awful but because it seems better to me to keep it all to myself - accountable only to me. Then I can hide out when I need to. And even if I said I am accountable to the Lord ... I have seen how that all plays out - badly. I feel the Lord calling me to pray more about this - to pray before I eat every time and to be thankful for tiny amounts of tasteless food, and to be thankful just to hunger after Him. But each morning as I recommit to this whole thing again, by the time I make it down to the kitchen I have forgotten again.

Lord where is the keeping power of the Spirit? I need lots of that today and everyday. This war is too much for me. I am tired and my flesh really wants to plunck in front of the TV and just blow off the day and eat whatever delight I dream up.

BUT I know that can not be YOUR desire ...

Please fill me with YOUR unmistakable desires. Change my taste, my eyes, my stomach, my mind - to conform to your will and Your tastes. I want to hunger for You and be filled with Your Spirit to overflowing. This feels so weak in me today, Lord ... but make it what really matters, please I pray.

Philippians 4

This 2 hour block we did as a group. I started us out with a devotional on thankfulness and then I read through Phil 4. For about an hour we each prayed and wrote what the Lord was saying to each of us. The time flew by as it did in each 2 hour block of time we had.

What struck me in the devotional is that thankfulness is beneficial training. And that if I walk on the road of thankfulness, I will find all the delights God has for me. Then it talked about how we can be so distracted by the world that we become darkened. That immediately made me think of Romans 1 ... they would not honor or even give Him thanks ... and they thought up foolish ideas about who God is ... and as a result their minds became dark and confused ... and then they chose to worship creatures rather than the Creator.

So if I forget to be thankful ... I am not honoring God, I begin to believe lies about who God is, I become dark, confused - and focused on me... and to top it all off I worship idols instead of the ONE true God. All from forgetting to be thankful... wow that is a testimony of evil - how it sneaks into the smallest of cracks - the chinks in our armor.

The devotional went on to say that if thankfulness is the rule in my heart ... the scales begin to fall off my eyes - and I can see even more of His glorious riches. And that a life of praise becomes a life filled with miracles taken from the treasure house of God. Wow - I really want that!

So here is what the Lord gave me from Phil 4...

Paul is longing to see friends reconcile. He wants them to be full of joy and to rejoice. I always thought that verse had very little to do with the above verse about the 2 women - but I think it all comes together  when he says we need to be considerate because the Lord is coming soon.  What does rejoicing have to do with being considerate? Paul wants these women to be considerate and to reconcile soon - because we never know when the Lord will return.

Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.... and these thoughts came ...
- give yourself over to thanks and praise (the O)
- a focus on thanks leads to humility
- thanks takes our eyes off of self and puts it back onto Him
- a memory of growing up - feeling like I could never express my true feelings of beauty, joy, thanks, or beaming excited love ( During prayer - I confessed this sin that I took out of my childhood and asked the Lord to heal me ... it felt so deep - so old and untouched. And asked the Lord to fill me with wonder again and give me a vision of Him High and lifted up and to filled up with thankfulness)
- my flesh feels like it deserves and is entitled
- thanks leads to His glorious storehouse of riches vs 19

Thanks and prayer bring God's peace and peace guards when I am IN Jesus. Focusing on the 'right' things and practice of the 'right' things ... and the God of peace is WITH you. He is with me ... because Jesus is in me ... I will know He is with me because I am doing these things - it is the fruit of the Spirit.

The secret to contentment - Jesus! He gives the strength ... another reason to keep my eyes fixed on Him. God supplies all my needs from His glorious riches. Ephesians 1 - He is head over everything - and the church is His body - made full and complete by Christ ... who fills us with HIMSELF. Eph 3 - infinitely more than we can ask or think! Fullness of life and power!

Why do I ever look anywhere else to be filled? Why do I ever take our eyes off of Him? Lord forgive my smallness - my complete lack of sense - my complete and total self is always focused on me and my desires... teach me to take my eyes off of myself and place them totally on YOU!

Philippians 3

Wow - now I am a bit lost!

Put no confidence in human effort! Rely only on what Jesus has done for us!

Paul goes on to list off his whole pedigree as the perfect Jew - all his accomplishments - all his accolades. And then he says but I count that all as loss in the view of Christ.

The Lord brought these questions to mind...

What do I need to consider worthless - in light of knowing Christ? What would I say my pedigree is - and why am I still clinging to it? What seems to be worth it still? (I still need to answer this!)

I have no idea what the answers to these questions are - they are new ... and I have nothing...

Then as I continued on in the passage Paul was calling everything garbage and said that it needed to be thrown away! Horders keep trash - but trash needs to be chucked. This is knowing about what is trash - and being willing to let go of it.

Then it goes on to say that our righteousness comes through faith in Christ ... or another way to put it - is that righteousness comes from the faithfulness of Christ. Then it says we have to know Him, experience His mighty resurrection power, suffer with Him - share in His death ... and then we get to attain to the resurrection of the dead. This brought my thoughts to Romans 6 - that we died with Christ - and rose with Him when we were joined with Him through baptism.

But then the Lord took me on a tour of Hebrews. I remembered a verse a friend had shared with me from chapter 5 that she said the Lord had impressed on her for me. I didn't get it then - I am still unsure now - but I am sure the Lord is trying to break thru and show me something! Anyway the verse says that Jesus had to LEARN obedience from the things he suffered. Which made me ask the question - what did Jesus have to LEARN about OBEDIENCE?

The verse right after says that this - that then he was qualified to become the High Priest. I asked is it because he had faced the same tests as us and yet did not sin - as it says in 4:15? Because then He is able to deal gently with us - as it says in 5:2?

Then I read a bunch more of Hebrews ... but before that I went back to Phil 2 and asked is the obedience that he had to learn - Jesus becoming human - becoming a slave? So he had to be a perfect human - so he could be a perfect slave - so He could be the perfect sacrifice - Heb 8:3 and thus the perfect High Priest 8:1-2... then in 10:7 and following it talks all about Jesus coming to do Gods will perfectly and then he is able to sit down beside the Father... - the Father's will was to make us holy - which He accomplished!

This whole tour through Hebrews needs to happen again ... I am just scratching the surface of some great understanding of Jesus as High Priest and what that is supposed to me to me - to us - as believers.

Lord I confess I have been tired and lazy since I got back from the retreat - draw me close again... unfog my mind!

Philippians 2

Wow ... ok where to begin!

If we have all of these great things in Christ ... belonging to Jesus, comfort from His amazing love, fellowship together IN the Holy Spirit, and our hearts are even a little tender and compassionate toward one another ... If we can say yes to these things - yes this is true and I know it even a little then....

We need to be unified in vision, unified in purpose, overflowing with love, giving, pouring out, speaking only from the Spirit, recognizing our place as a humble slave - where everyone else is better and more important, we need to recognize our sinfulness - our smallness ... and give everyone our utmost and genuine care. This should be the results of the above ... is this what is true in my life?

Father - let me confess right now that this is not true of me. Even knowing what humility means was hard for me. I am very focused on me still ... what will I get - what do I need - grabbing for myself - taking anything just to have... It is a protection - I guess I really don't believe that you will exalt me ... and that instead I have to do it for myself that I have to take it for myself. It is not just about things but recognition - being seen - being important - being heard.

Lord - this doesn't even feel real yet - I hear myself saying this - but I haven't even owned it fully yet - I do not see the pain that this causes you - I do not feel the weight of the sin. I want to ask for forgiveness but it feels so premature. It would feel so fake. Awaken me - stir my godly sorrow. Help me to recognize my sinfulness.

And then we see Christ ... we are called to be like Him. Jesus let go of everything - and held onto us.

Jesus let go of His God-ness ... His equality with God. He let go of the infinite, He let go of seeing and knowing everything - and planning all things, His biggness. He had perfection and He let go on purpose!

Jesus let go of His divinity ... His king-ness. He let go of being worshipped and seen. He let go of being exalted and above all.

Instead -

Jesus put on slavery. He became one who obeys, who has no will - who is not seen. He became the body that does the work. The Master speaks - and He listens and does.

Jesus put on human skin. He became finite. He became small. He humbly obeyed everything God commanded. And He died as a misunderstood criminal.

What is humility? I asked again again during these 2 hours? I at first thought it was understanding my sinfulness... perhaps that is a part. Is it being a slave - obeying a master having no will of my own? I looked up other verses to get an idea - pride seemed to be the opposite - one who is puffed up and thinks too much of themselves. Didn't I just describe pride to someone as complete self - absorption ... so then humility is completely others focused - nothing of me - it must all be about others. I become small - they must become much. I must be less, He must be more. I must decrease - He must increase ... but also He increases my love for others - as I love Him more ... the first commandment and the second is just like it... hmmm.

He let go of all of that ... and He became nothing - and then God...

Elevated Him to the place of highest honor ... and gave Him the Name above all names
- so that every knee will bow - all will be humble slaves before the ONE true KING
- and every tongue confess - all will understand His true nature and speak and worship Him as He deserves!!!!

We will not only know how low we are - we will want to become lower. We will not only know Jesus' name but His name will BE the ultimate worship. His name will be recognized and awed by all! His place was restored - and made even higher. His name is restored and made even greater!!!!!!

Luke 14: 7-11

7 Now he told a parable to those who were invited, when he noticed how they chose the places of honor, saying to them, 8 “When you are invited by someone to a wedding feast, do not sit down in a place of honor, lest someone more distinguished than you be invited by him, 9 and he who invited you both will come and say to you, ‘Give your place to this person,’ and then you will begin with shame to take the lowest place. 10 But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when your host comes he may say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at table with you. 11 For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”


Oh - don't forget the fly! The fly taught me about my absolute smallness. As he was flying again and again at the window and failing again and again to find the outside. And in that brief moment pretending to be 'God' of the fly ... I could see how wrong and small he was - and how much help he needed. Humility is knowing my smallness in comparison of the incomprehensible God. Humility is knowing my insignificance in comparison to the great abundant riches of Jesus!

Philippians 1

Paul and Timothy are slaves for Christ.

A slave is not seen - is heard only when needed. A slave is a background doer. Their skin is needed - their body is needed for the doing. In Romans 6 - Paul says that we are slaves of whatever we choose to obey. If we obey sin - we are slaves to death. if we obey God - we become slaves to righteousness. It seems which is the obvious choice - the right choice... and yet I struggle so much to obey. I want to choose to obey God and yet I seem unable to - unable to make even the right choices that would lead to obedience.

The not being seen thing seems to be a theme. I remember a few years ago - You pointing this sin out in me God. That all the changes I wanted You to make in me - all the sin I wanted purged - was not so that your glory and light would be displayed in me - but so that I would shine and be beautiful. I wanted to steal your glory. I feel like You have grown me quite a lot in this area - but still I want to be seen and acknowledged. I want things I have said to be repeated and glorified ... even though I know they are from You - I want to claim them. I want people to see the work I have done and give me praise and thanks. How ugly that is. How small minded I am. What a thief I am.

I confess that sin Lord to You now. Of my pride, of my desire to steal Your glory even still. Of wanting to be seen - instead of You just putting my skin on to be used - instead - I want my skin to be glorified. Forgive me, Father. Cleanse me. I want to want all of the glory for You ... I want to want You to be High and lifted up - to be the SEEN ONE.

Is this why I am still having a problem of catching a vision of You? Am I still standing in the way wanting glory for myself ... how can I fix my eyes on You - if my eyes are still so fixed on me. Push me to the side! Free me from this ugly desire ... and help me to see Your glory - to see you so beyond imagining that I never again question my own need to be seen!

Paul oozes affection for the Philippian people ... gives thanks for them every time he thinks of them - He is filled with joy when he thinks of them. They have a special place in his heart, he loves them, and longs for them. He says this is all comes from the tender compassion of Jesus.

I do not have this kind of love for the people I minister to - my love is more for their holiness. I want to spur them on toward love and good deeds. I want their purity and passion to overflow. My pastor said in a sermon recently that that is the gifting of a prophet - that longing for purity... and I can see that in me. But isn't that Paul's need then to write 1 Cor 13 ... Paul saying what are all these great gifts if we do not have love - are not kind and patient. Am I impatient for them to change? I know I am impatient for me to change - I think I have more patience for them than for myself! I think if anything I am impatient for You to work, Lord. Sometimes your way seems so slow! But I also know that there is nothing I can do but wait on You and Your power to show up. Because I can do nothing.  And when I try something on my own it usually turns to a mess.

Paul prays in vs 9 for their love to overflow more and more ... Oh how I need that Lord!  Not just for others but for you. I am reminded of the picture of the fountain ... I feel like I read a verse recently like that I just keep picturing in spilling over the edges ... never stopping, it just keeps coming. How I long to be known like that! Do I want to be known as loving for me or You though? I am sure there is some sort of mix. How often I have said that I wish my flesh was sweeter/nicer so that I appeared more loving. So clearly there is some piece of me that longs to be loving all on my own - without You. I think mostly though that is so I stop hurting the people closest to me - like my kids and husband. But there is another part of me that wants them to see You Jesus. I hope that part has a hold of more of me than the first. I want my kids to be dazzled by Jesus -- want to see You as the best part of their life. To see how magnificent you are and to see that they can never truly be happy in this life without knowing and loving You.

I confess to You all parts of me that want to take something for myself Lord. What a thief I am! Forgive me! I see Paul in this passage saying how great it would be for him to stay on earth and keep working - because his life is necessary ... yet at the end of the passage he says that they will take even more pride in CHRIST because of what he is doing in Paul's life. Whatever Paul does - whether he lives or dies - he wants all to HONOR Christ. he doesn't ever seem to want to steal Jesus' glory. He wants Jesus to have it all. Jesus - I want to be like that! I want everything I do - whether I speak or remain silent, whether I go and do - or you call me to stay - whether I get credit or not - I want all for your glory. I want to be in the background - the slave that does your will and whose face shines with the light of Christ!

What deos this mean for me and obedience? What does this mean for the vision of Christ - high and lifted up - you told me to look for ... how does this all tie together?

Be focused on our status as citizens of heaven - our conduct worthy of the gospel of Jesus.  Stand side by side - fighting for the faith - of One mind - NOT intimidated by our enemy ... happy to trust in Christ and privleged to suffer for HIM.

prayer retreat

The next few posts are from the prayer retreat I just led with 6 other women. It was a time full of blessing! The Lord showed up and just poured out.

At one point I was saying that the this year was so different than last year ... and someone asked why. I replied that we were so distracted last year, we all struggled, it was hard to be silent and wait for so long.  They asked what the change was ... my reply... the spiritual climate has so changed in the last year. The Spirit is on the move at our church! The Lord is changing hearts, He has broken through, people are waking up! Praise the Lord!

We all had such a fruitful time in the Word - we studied/prayed through the book of Philippians. Three 2 hour blocks of time - to study chapters 1 through 3, an hour of intercession during our lunch hour fast, and a 2 hour block the next day together for chapter 4. The following posts have my thoughts and prayers as they came to me.

Romans 6

Romans 6
Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? 2 Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? 3 Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? 4 For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.

I do not want to keep sinning. And yet something in my flesh keeps winning the day. If I am in fact dead to sin - why do I keep living in it? I don't know - but I do know that I am fed up with myself in the area of food and food addiction. I keep hearing the Lord say ... 'Be satisfied with less food - be satisfied with more of me' ... I so want that until my stomach even grumbles a little and I am back in the kitchen looking for a little more. How can this passage be true of me? How can I have resurrection power at my disposal and yet feel so powerless when I am hungry. 

 5 Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. 6 We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. 7 For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. 8 And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. 9 We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. 10 When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. 11 So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus.

Alive to God through Christ Jesus. Consider myself dead. I am united with Him in His death ... and raised to new life with Him. This is what is true. I hear and understand the words - and some part of me believes that this is not just true - but true of me. And yet... and yet ... I am stuck. So stuck in the same sin over and over again. I am set free from the power of sin ... and yet I am still stuck. What does it mean that I should consider myself dead to the power of sin? because like I said - I believe that - yet - I am still sinning.

12 Do not let sin control the way you live; do not give in to sinful desires. 13 Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. 14 Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.

Do not give into sinful desires... this has to be an act of God in me. I can not conjure this up in myself. There is no part of my flesh that can be good enough to walk in this truth. So there is the new creature - the new me - the new heart that is given to me - where Christ resides - where the Spirit lives. So why do I not automatically then do what my new nature desires? If Christ and the Spirit are within me - are they not more powerful than this sin? They are! I know that much is true - but then why is this still such a mess? I have asked the Lord to come and make my flesh obey - confessed my sin a million times - asked Him to bring Him more glory ... yet each time I walk in the kitchen - my flesh is the thing that takes over. Damn you flesh! I want my body to obey - I want my body to be and instrument of righteousness. I want to bring glory to God!


15 Well then, since God’s grace has set us free from the law, does that mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! 16 Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living. 17 Thank God! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you wholeheartedly obey this teaching we have given you. 18 Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living.

I don't want to sin! I don't want to be a slave to my hunger, or my stomach, or my food addiction, or my sin. How do I choose to obey? I want to be a slave to righteous living! a slave to God!

19 Because of the weakness of your human nature, I am using the illustration of slavery to help you understand all this. Previously, you let yourselves be slaves to impurity and lawlessness, which led ever deeper into sin. Now you must give yourselves to be slaves to righteous living so that you will become holy.

God I give myself - everything over to You and your righteousness. Make me holy like you are.

20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the obligation to do right. 21 And what was the result? You are now ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. 22 But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.

Make me do the things that lead to holiness and result in eternal work. I want to bring You honor and glory. This sin pattern is old and tired ... I am ready for victory. Put to death the deeds of this flesh and enliven me to righteousness! I present myself to You... Teach my heart, soul, mind, and body to love You and to rest in the truth of this Word. Fill me with Your fullness!

psalm 81

I read Psalm 81 randomly the other day ... ( and this is what God did in me )


Sing praises to God, our strength.
    Sing to the God of Jacob.
Sing! Beat the tambourine.
    Play the sweet lyre and the harp.
Blow the ram’s horn at new moon,
    and again at full moon to call a festival!
For this is required by the decrees of Israel;
    it is a regulation of the God of Jacob.
He made it a law for Israel
    when he attacked Egypt to set us free.

( I read these verses and said 'Yes - I want to throw a festival - I want to sing and dance to God ... God, how I am longing for you to set me free like this! To be wild and dance and sing like David when the ark came back to Jerusalem! )

I heard an unknown voice say,
“Now I will take the load from your shoulders;
    I will free your hands from their heavy tasks.
You cried to me in trouble, and I saved you;
    I answered out of the thundercloud
    and tested your faith when there was no water at Meribah. 

( The unknown voice is the Lord's voice ... a voice I did not know clearly just a few years before.

And He is declaring that He will remove 'the load from my shoulders' ... and I felt the Lord saying... soon I will free you from your shoulder and back pain.

'I will free your hands from their heavy tasks' - and I felt the Lord saying ...  the sword you have been carrying - the one I just recently told you was in your hand - the one that has been there since you helped begin this church - which is a burden of pain you share with me - it is the one that is causing your neck and shoulder pain! - that one - you soon will be able to set it down - and take a rest!

You said 'I have cried to you in trouble' ... this blog is a testament - but also you brought to my mind - the other night I cried out to you God and let myself go and admit all of my pain from this waiting.

You 'answered in the thundercloud' - indeed You have shown me this as  a theme of your rescue this season as in Psalm 18 - you come on the storm to rescue!

And 'You tested my faith - when there has been no water' ... You Lord have said that You will come and fill me with streams of Living Water - the River of Life flowing out of me, through me, and for me - this has been my prayer .... All of this the Lord poured out on me as I read... )

Interlude

“Listen to me, O my people, while I give you stern warnings.
    O Israel, if you would only listen to me!
You must never have a foreign god;
    you must not bow down before a false god.
For it was I, the Lord your God,
    who rescued you from the land of Egypt.
    Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things.

( I want to be filled with good things! Help me open my mouth wide to receive from You alone, God! Help me to shed off all of my sin of gluttony - and anything else that stands in the way - put to death the deeds of my flesh by the power of Your Spirit!)

“But no, my people wouldn’t listen.
    Israel did not want me around.
So I let them follow their own stubborn desires,
    living according to their own ideas.
Oh, that my people would listen to me!
    Oh, that Israel would follow me, walking in my paths!
How quickly I would then subdue their enemies!
    How soon my hands would be upon their foes!
Those who hate the Lord would cringe before him;
    they would be doomed forever.
But I would feed you with the finest wheat.
    I would satisfy you with wild honey from the rock.”

( I have been guilty of this kind of unbelief, Father! But no more - cleanse me! and cleanse Your people of all of their unbelief. Come and rescue us from ourselves - come and wake us up - so we can hear - so we can obey! We need you to come and take care of the enemy - rescue us! And feed us - satisfy us with YOU - fill us with the bread of your word, the sweetness of your company - You - our ROCK! )

resurrection

I just finished reading a friend's book. It was well written and full of his heart. I can tell He put so much into it - choosing every word so carefully and plotting his arguments so well. But in the end it was incomplete. There was no Jesus in the book ... and especially no resurrection of Jesus.

What good is a discussion of any problem - if we are left with no solution. Jesus came to tell us we are indeed sinners who have walked away from God but He came with the solution! He came to die on the cross and kill sin and satisfy the wrath of God but ... He did not stay dead - He rose up again and swallowed death up in victory!

That victory has purchased our ability to live a life where there is no longer an obligation to sin ... and we can live amazing lives filled with the Spirit - where streams of living water flow out of us. We no longer have to live in defeat, but instead we are given power to overcome in the Holy Spirit.

That is the life I want ... a life with the answer provided and purchased, and given. Why are there still so many believers living in defeat, living as if Christ has not come? Not too long ago I was one of them - praise God He came to rescue me out of the major lie I had bought into!

Now the problem remains - how do I share the good news with my friend - who so desperately needs to know the WHOLE truth? I do not know - I am excited to see what the Spirit provides when the time comes. The resurrection has already happened - may we all learn how to walk in it.

close

I am still praying for a vision of Jesus, praying for my spiritual eyes to be fixed totally on Jesus. So that my heart can explode in worship for His amazing beauty, majesty, and glory. And I am still pondering what it means to let myself go totally to receive the blessings of His pleasure - like He was teaching me last week.

This last weekend, I had an intense discussion with my husband about my spiritual state and of course my sex drive. It drives him nuts that they are tied up together - especially because he sees me praying and pursuing the Lord 'more than anyone I know' - as he put it, 'and yet God does not give you what you want.' Then he asked - 'Why wouldn't God want to give you what you want - when what you want is more of Him?'

Surprisingly - I had an answer. The Lord spoke it through me at my recent Bible/book study on Absolute Surrender. I was telling the women about my 'Summer of Jesus' - about the fullness that I felt - the utter completion, joy and worship. And one woman asked 'well then why don't you have that now?'  I said that the Lord had removed His presence because I was not ready for it. He gave it to me as a grand, remarkable taste - so that when He removed His presence I would know what I was heading toward every day after ... because He had a hard journey of major purging and pruning to do in me. And He wanted to me to know how amazingly He loves me, and what He wants our relationship to look like in the future.  Fullness is available! He has it waiting for us! If we will just let Him strip away all the crap that is in the way!

I realized afresh that night with my husband how much I am longing for God to come and fill me again. We ended up praying together - my husband aloud - but I could not. I was a blubbering mess - pouring out my soul to the Lord for what seemed like forever. I heaved sobs while my husband clung to me. Just telling the Lord how much I missed Him. I realized as I was praying that the Lord has been very present - when I minister to other people. When I am at church, or leading a study, or praying with someone, or counseling them ... and I am glad and grateful for being full of Him for others. I love that... but I realized during that prayer that I want Him to come and fill me up for me and my family.

I have been struggling so much with my sin - food, anger, disobedience ... but what I want is to be filled with the fruit of the spirit... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  This can not be conjured up in the flesh ... no matter how hard I try, my flesh can not do eternal work. And even if my flesh was pretty - like some people I know who seem nice no matter what! - if it is done in the flesh - it is still flesh - it is not pleasing to God - and it is not eternal work.

I want to move and walk in the Spirit - all the time! I want the streams of living water to flow out of me - all that fullness to land on my husband, kids - AND everyone else. I want my face to glow with the glory of Jesus, I want joy, and love to abound in me. I want to rejoice in wild praise. I want to feel His fullness all the time!

And here is the great part ... I know that what I am asking for is what Jesus wants to give me! I am not asking for too much - no way - I asking for just what He has promised! And He has the power to keep it alive in me and growing ... We worship an omnipotent God - almighty - all-powerful! So why would He not provide the power to keep the promises supplied.  This IS amazing truth. And we all need to stop expecting so little from our God who promises so much!

Bring it on Jesus - strip whatever you need to off, and fill me up with the streams of living water!

interruption

***A warning: If you are not open to reading me reference my sex life - do not continue on. I am honest but not graphic.

I woke up this morning ready to spend time with the Lord - really wanting to give the Lord time to work in me the answers to my burning desire to have the Spirit come and fill me with streams of living water. So I began praying and seeking as soon as I awoke. Not too soon after my husband came in, he said 'to cuddle' ... but I knew what that meant! I really did not want to have sex, but I try really hard not to say 'no' unless I really do not want to.

But let me back up a bit ... before my new spiritual journey began, my sex drive was pretty healthy ... and during my 'Summer with Jesus' ... it was quite good. But when the Lord removed His 'felt' presence I was so sad... that my sex drive completely fell off the map. In fact for quite some time - more than a year - when we fought it usually had to do with sex. Somewhere in there I begged the Lord to restore some of my drive just so my husband would not feel so rejected ... because even when I said yes - I was only barely participating, my body would not physically respond. The Lord was gracious and honored my prayer.

I had read a book a year or two before my Summer called 'When Two Become One' by Chris McCluskey. It is an excellent book. One of the greatest things I took away from that read was that sex is a reflection of our spiritual lives. As an example - there were times in my life when I would hide to get undressed - so my husband would not see me - and then therefore not desire sex. Or I would avoid eye contact and conversation on nights when it was more usually expected etc... And I realized that I was hiding. But then I realized that the times when I was hiding out from my husband - were usually the same times I was hiding out from the Lord as well. Hiding from the Lord takes on a different look however. I would watch lots of tv or get sucked into a novel to escape - I would cover up my thoughts with noise, and I would not listen and go to Him when He called. But recognizing that connection has been super helpful when I counsel ... and super helpful for me as well. (caution - my reflections are for me ... and not for everyone. Each person will show their area of sin differently!)

So going back to this morning... and being interrupted during prayer. I consented to have sex but but when I was done I felt the Lord was talking to me. I did not have an orgasm ... and the Lord was asking why. And felt that the answer was that I had not given myself over to it ... I was fighting the whole idea of sex from the beginning - feeling it was an interruption. To have that immense whole body experience  - we have to give ourselves completely over to the pleasure of it.

It was that idea of giving ourselves over to pleasure that the Lord wanted me to know. That was why the 'interruption' needed to happen (among other reasons!). So then that set my mind aflame with the idea of pleasure and the Lord reminded me of Piper's verse Psalm 16: 11...

You will show me the way of life,
    granting me the joy of your presence
    and the pleasures of living with you forever.

So I am pursuing pleasure - real pleasure - the purest pleasure - knowing Jesus and being completely abandoned to Him. I want to give myself completely over to Him. And I continue in prayer asking God to reveal a vision of Himself so that my heart and mind, and body may come fully alive to worship Him.



***I cross referenced and came up with some other verses to reflect on - I do not know or understand all of their meaning... I am waiting on the Lord for that. Here they are if you would like to read them:

Psalm 36: 5- 9

Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
    your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
    your justice like the ocean depths.
You care for people and animals alike, O Lord.
How precious is your unfailing love, O God!
All humanity finds shelter
    in the shadow of your wings.
You feed them from the abundance of your own house,
    letting them drink from your river of delights.
For you are the fountain of life,
    the light by which we see.


Psalm 21: 5-7

Your victory brings him great honor,
    and you have clothed him with splendor and majesty.
You have endowed him with eternal blessings
    and given him the joy of your presence.
For the king trusts in the Lord.
    The unfailing love of the Most High will keep him from stumbling.

Psalm 17: 15

Because I am righteous, I will see you.
    When I awake, I will see you face to face and be satisfied.

1 John 3: 2-3
Dear friends, we are already God’s children, but he has not yet shown us what we will be like when Christ appears. But we do know that we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is. And all who have this eager expectation will keep themselves pure, just as he is pure.

1 Cor 13: 8-12

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Eph 3: 14 - 21

When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

Hebrews 12: 18-29

You have not come to a physical mountain, to a place of flaming fire, darkness, gloom, and whirlwind, as the Israelites did at Mount Sinai. For they heard an awesome trumpet blast and a voice so terrible that they begged God to stop speaking. They staggered back under God’s command: “If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned to death.” Moses himself was so frightened at the sight that he said, “I am terrified and trembling.”

No, you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to countless thousands of angels in a joyful gathering. You have come to the assembly of God’s firstborn children, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God himself, who is the judge over all things. You have come to the spirits of the righteous ones in heaven who have now been made perfect. You have come to Jesus, the one who mediates the new covenant between God and people, and to the sprinkled blood, which speaks of forgiveness instead of crying out for vengeance like the blood of Abel.

Be careful that you do not refuse to listen to the One who is speaking. For if the people of Israel did not escape when they refused to listen to Moses, the earthly messenger, we will certainly not escape if we reject the One who speaks to us from heaven! When God spoke from Mount Sinai his voice shook the earth, but now he makes another promise: “Once again I will shake not only the earth but the heavens also.” This means that all of creation will be shaken and removed, so that only unshakable things will remain.

Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring fire.

Revelation 7: 17

For the Lamb on the throne
    will be their Shepherd.
He will lead them to springs of life-giving water.
    And God will wipe every tear from their eyes.”

revelation

So my last post was just the tip of the iceberg ... yet I am still waiting for the full iceberg - I am excited that God has brought some revelation!

After I wrote yesterday, I reread the chapters in Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray - that I had assigned for my class that night. I had read these chapters 3 or 4 times already but now they were new! God was speaking through them in a new way. Then I read Romans 7 and 8 - which was part of the Bible study I assigned - but I decided to read them in the Message this time.

Romans 7 - The Message


14-16 I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21-23 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.


This is where I was stuck yesterday. I knew that my flesh was evil - and that it can do nothing that God desires ... I even know the answer! I need the Holy Spirit to come and work in me... but He hasn't revealed to me yet what that looks like - what that means - and i couldn't figure out why - what was I missing!?

Then I read this part of Romans 8 in The Message:

5-8 Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn’t pleased at being ignored.

Oh what an indictment! I knew as soon as I read this that I was staring continually at my flesh - why is it here?, when will God fix me?, why do I have to live with this? ... on and on - I was ruminating on my flesh - it was the worst case of rubber-necking of all time! See that train wreck, A - that is you - you are a mess! Keep looking at it - keep your focus there.
Oh how the enemy wants us to keep looking at our sin and flesh and fall into despair! Because then we forget the next part....

Romans 7: 24, 25
Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

In Absolute Surrender ...


 You know the wonderful place that this text has in the wonderful epistle to the Romans. It stands here at the end of the seventh chapter as the gateway into the eighth. In the first sixteen verses of the eighth chapter the name of the Holy Spirit is found sixteen times; you have there the description and promise of the life that a child of God can live in the power of the Holy Spirit. This begins in the second verse: “The law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death” (Rom. 8:12). From that Paul goes on to speak of the great privileges of the child of God, who is to be led by the Spirit of God. 

What a contrast between - not knowing what do do at all in Romans 7 and being completely awakened to the Spirit in chapter 8! OK - so I know I need the Spirit - that is not the problem - the problem is that he has not come in power yet - and I am stuck waiting. And in the waiting I am not waiting in faith - I am going over again and again just how awful my flesh is.

But what I need to be doing is fixing my eyes on Jesus - the author and perfecter of my faith. But even this I can not do on my own... so I have cried out to God - come and do what only you can do!

Andrew Murray -

And now are you willing to give yourselves up to the Holy Spirit? You can do it now. A great deal may still be dark and dim, and beyond what we understand, and you may feel nothing; but come. God alone can effect the change. God alone, who gave us the Holy Spirit, can restore the Holy Spirit in power into our life. God alone can “strengthen us with might by his Spirit in the inner man.” And to every waiting heart that will make the sacrifice, and give up everything, and give time to cry and pray to God, the answer will come. The blessing is not far off. Our God delights to help us. He will enable us to perfect, not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, what was begun in the Spirit.

Begin in me this work! I want my eyes fixed on Jesus! I can not even do that. I have no vision - I have no idea what to even imagine - come and write on my heart a vision of your beauty, majesty, amazing glory! So that my heart can worship - and finally do what it was made to do!

Hebrews 1:2-3

God promised everything to the Son as an inheritance, and through the Son he created the universe. The Son radiates God’s own glory and expresses the very character of God, and he sustains everything by the mighty power of his command. When he had cleansed us from our sins, he sat down in the place of honor at the right hand of the majestic God in heaven.

Revelation 1: 10-18

 It was the Lord’s Day, and I was worshiping in the Spirit. Suddenly, I heard behind me a loud voice like a trumpet blast. It said, “Write in a book everything you see, and send it to the seven churches in the cities of Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia, and Laodicea.”

When I turned to see who was speaking to me, I saw seven gold lampstands. And standing in the middle of the lampstands was someone like the Son of Man. He was wearing a long robe with a gold sash across his chest. His head and his hair were white like wool, as white as snow. And his eyes were like flames of fire. His feet were like polished bronze refined in a furnace, and his voice thundered like mighty ocean waves. He held seven stars in his right hand, and a sharp two-edged sword came from his mouth. And his face was like the sun in all its brilliance.

When I saw him, I fell at his feet as if I were dead. But he laid his right hand on me and said, “Don’t be afraid! I am the First and the Last. I am the living one. I died, but look—I am alive forever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and the grave.

stuck

I am stuck.

I know the truth. That I can't do anything in my flesh. That my flesh is broken and wicked and can do nothing to please God. And that anytime I exercise my flesh - I sin - against my husband, my kids, everyone! and especially Jesus. Because my flesh can only produce sin.

I know the truth of that. But I am stuck on the in between. I am in between knowing about my flesh - and knowing how to walk in the Spirit. I have to say it is a horrible place to live. I know my flesh is useless and horrible but I seem powerless to stop - yet scripture says that I am under no obligation to live according to the flesh.

I have cried out to God wondering about this. I have confessed to Him regularly in the last few months that I can't live to please Him - if I am living this way. So please come and take this body over and fill me with the power of the Spirit ... I can not obey, I can not love, I can not find rest, I have no peace, I can not fight the enemy, I can not do anything eternal without You. You have to come - You have to fill me with the power ... and You have said that You want this for me.

So fix your eyes on Jesus - the author and perfecter of your faith... Heb 12:2

I have learned the necessary piece that flesh is useless ... but I have not learned how to fix my eyes on Jesus. I know my need of it, but the power to do it in the Spirit, or the revelation that I need from God - or whatever God deems I need - has not been fully given yet.

And the waiting is hard - when you seem to be continually harming those around you, and obedience seems impossible. When all you want is to love people and to obey God. It is the cry of Paul in Romans chapter 7.

Oh God, please fill me with understanding! Please fill me with the Spirit! Please take my eyes off of myself and to fix them totally on Jesus - the Perfecter! The Faithful One... the One who deserves all my praise and thanks and glory! I know I can not do that without you making it happen - so please come and strip off anything in the way! Tear away the veil from my eyes!

Psalm 18: 30-36

God’s way is perfect.
    All the Lord’s promises prove true.
    He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
For who is God except the Lord?
    Who but our God is a solid rock?
God arms me with strength,
    and he makes my way perfect.
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
    enabling me to stand on mountain heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
    he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.
You have given me your shield of victory.
    Your right hand supports me;
    your help has made me great.
You have made a wide path for my feet
    to keep them from slipping.

rest

'So relax in the Spirit - and let Him lead you to find rest - even finding rest can not be done in the flesh - we can screw up even the most basic act - right?'

I just finished an email to a friend with the above line ... as I wrote it I knew it was from the Lord ... because once again - I can not think this stuff up!

We must be led in the Spirit in everything! Even to finding rest! Our flesh is dead and useless. It can never do anything to please God. It will never do anything eternal. And it certainly can not lead us to find rest. Rest is only found in God - when we fully believe that He is who He says He is - then we can rest in His amazing character - we rest in truth - we rest in Him.

When we finally own that truth - how much freedom will there be? I can only imagine! Because then I will finally get that the Spirit must have everything in me at His disposal - to wield as He wills. Only He can lead me to truth and rest.

Oh open me wide, Father... set me free Jesus, and fill me up to overflowing Spirit!

voice

A friend just emailed and asked me questions about hearing God's voice and here was my reply...


Ok! So you have good questions! That is good because God is the one stirring you up to ask those questions! And if you are longing to hear and know His voice - that is because He is longing to teach you how to hear His voice.

Look at John 10:
10 “I tell you the truth, anyone who sneaks over the wall of a sheepfold, rather than going through the gate, must surely be a thief and a robber! 2 But the one who enters through the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. 5 They won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice.”

What is so great about this verse - is that we do not need to question whether or not God talks to us - He Does! He wants us to know his voice! And He says that we will recognize His voice if we are His sheep. So first answer that basic question - are you His sheep? ( I believe you are ... but You need to be sure - more than me!)

I believe you are His sheep - you know why? Because you have already heard His voice! Those moments that you outlined were all times when the Holy Spirit convicted your heart of sin ... He doesn't do that for everyone - but He will do that to His own children - as it says in Hebrews 12 - He disciplines those He loves - just like a good father.

But I bet you were hoping for more of a dialogue between you and He - right? How do you know His voice in the everyday ins and outs of life - yes? It is a process! Probably not the answer you want to hear but it is the truth. Like I said that night during the study - you have to be in relationship with Him. Just like you have gotten to know your boyfriend - you spent time knowing his ups and downs - what he loves and hates, everything! So you need to commit to getting to know the Lord like that. You have to put in the time to spend with Him - you have to get to know His Word. Praise God for the Bible - because he has given us something that is not subjective - but is objective - so we can know for sure who He is and what he wants - and what he wants for us. Learning to know His voice is awesome - but also can be a subjective hard to grasp experience. But the more you know His Word, and study it - the more you know His heart for you! And then learning His voice becomes much easier!

The Lord has been very gracious to me - I have heard His voice a lot. I am very grateful. But just because i hear Him regularly - does not mean I am always prepared to obey! Everything is a work of the Spirit in us.... and that is why we need to be totally surrendered and sold out to God ... and that is indeed when He loves to bless His children with every spiritual blessing under the sun - more Holy Spirit, more of His voice and direction, more of His presence. And there is nothing else like spending time with the Lord - when life is that full of Him - it is awesome... I never feel more alive than when He is so present with me. Pray that God will give you a taste - so that you will want to put in the time to know Him that much! And he will not disappoint.

His voice has become more easy to know - because I know His heart more. I have put the time in. A couple years ago I was so fed up with myself - and my lacking in my spiritual life that i just decided to give more time to the Lord. I gave Him an hour every day. ( I am in no way saying you need to do this ... let the Lord take you where you are meant to go ... let Him lead you). But that hour became the best hour every day. And then I gave Him even more time - sometimes 3 or 4 in a day. ( I had the time - it was a summer and the kids were at home - and we were all relaxed and chill - I am sure a work of the Spirit! ) But in those hours the Lord overwhelmed me with Himself. It was if I was floating along on His will - i always knew where to go, and what to do - it was as if time came up to meet me. And I could hear Him all the time, my heart was always singing a praise song, and I had visions and dreams, and words of knowledge for people. It was the most amazing 6 months of my life. Then the Lord removed his presence - or at least the overwhelming sense of His presence - and said lets get to work! i had much in my life that needed to be purged, much I needed to learn about faith and how God works ... and all the while I ached to be back in that amazing time with the Lord. Now my heart beats for Him - and all I want is more of Him ....

That is just a small piece of my journey to knowing His voice better. His voice is spontaneous ... it cuts across my thoughts ... I know it is Him because it is not my idea. There are times that things fly out of my mouth - words that I have never even thought before ... and ring with the truth of the Word and the power of the Holy Spirit - and again I know they are not my own. Other times He fills my head with His scripture - brings something to remembrance that I could not have come up with on my own, directs me to a passage in a book, or reminds me to pray for someone. Other times He wakes me up to pray, and sometimes i can just feel the presence of the Spirit burning in my chest directing me - or comforting me. Sometimes it comes as a vision, sometimes a dream, sometimes just an intense sense of His presence all around. But in all of it - I have had to learn that this was Him... I had to get to know Him... I had to make the time to listen.

incarnate

I had an amazing experience the other night as I slept and then as i awakened to listen more intently to the Lord.

As I slept i felt the Lord stirring in me the presence of the Holy Spirit. I kept thinking about stuff my pastor had said in his sermon on Sunday evening. He had been talking about who Jesus is/was when He incarnated to the earth ... and how He had done so many amazing things - how He had done miracles, and spoke amazing truth, and walked with the Holy Spirit. Then he talked about how we are to be like that - present, full of love, and full of truth.

But it got my mind all stirred up wondering about this:  if that is how Christ was then - what is He now that he has gone to sit at the right hand of the Father ... is He done being all those things on earth? Does He work differently now than He did then? What are we to expect from Jesus now ... what is His ministry in essence?

I felt like that night like the Lord was saying - I am no different! And eventually He dropped the verse in my mind - Jesus is the same today, yesterday, and forever - from Heb 13. If I healed people then - I will heal people now... just like that woman who was healed because she reached out to touch my robe - you can reach out and touch me now - but even more so - you can boldly approach my throne and ask for whatever you may need! So I prayed for a friend's baby - who has prenatal heart problems and asked for a miracle. And then I reached out and touched his robe and prayed for my back issues ... and in the morning - I felt significantly better - like He had removed a whole layer of pain.

Somewhere in all of this I felt the Lord asking me to read Phil 2, and Heb 12, and study more about what Jesus does for His people now today... I need to do that - soon!

HIS WAY

Me and food. This seems like a never ending drama at times. BUT now I am truly hopeful that my struggle is nearing an end.

Since my confession of generational sin a couple weeks ago - things have been lifting. That was a Sunday 2 weeks ago, that Wednesday I prayed with some friends about it all and all the confusion that I had had every time I walked into the kitchen - has lifted. This confusion was so overwhelming that I never knew what was right to eat or not, I could not hear the voice of the Lord clearly, it was always a knotted mess of chaos - 'what about this?, what about that? You should get to eat whatever you want... You should get to have that taste... but you must deny yourself, you must eat only the medifast foods - on and on it went - all at the same time. And in the end I always felt guilty about whatever I ended up eating.

Before that first week at the Spiritual Warfare class I had been attempting Medifast again. It is a medical  fasting program that has worked for me in the past in losing weight - you eat their foods every 3 hours and get to have 1 normal meal of meat and veggies a day. I do want to lose weight - in fact I need to - my clothes do not fit me - and not just some of them - all of them! Over the summer I gained probably 10 or more pounds as I continued feasting on each vacation and even on the weeks in between. So anyway... I tried the medifasting - and I did not lose a pound - not even one. That is unusual - it typically takes off quite a few right away. But not this time - not for me, which is super frustrating when the food is not great and you have to pay a lot for it. This went on for a month.

Then the class - then the confusion lifted - and then the Lord reminded me of His words spoken through me way back in May at a class I was teaching on the Holy Spirit. "What if I want you to know my voice so well, what if I want you to trust me so much that whenever you put food in your mouth - you pray and ask me first - what if I want you to rely on me that much?" I knew it was the Lord speaking to me ... but I was not ready for it then. So that was just before my summer filled with vacations and feasting. And then by the end of summer I knew things needed to change but I wanted to go back to what I knew would work - I wanted to control it all again. But it didn't work - Medifast did not work.

But now I am ready. I am ready to listen to the Lord and follow Him. I am ready to know His voice and listen as He tells me and shows me what to eat at each meal.

My husband was not immediately on board with this idea. It scared him - on my behalf - he knows how much I struggle - how hard it is to not fit any of my clothes... and He hates watching me go through all of that. For me it is like my closet rebukes me each day, and I get to wear my sin on the outside. So he said why not do what we know works and just commit it to the Lord like you have done in the past. But I said that is no longer enough. That IS my problem - committing MY ideas to the Lord for approval and blessing - instead of committing my whole self to the Lord for Him to lead as He sees fit. Just hoping I get His blessing on my thoughts and ideas is not what I want - I want to think His thoughts after Him - I want all of me to be free to follow His ways - His way.

So I have been doing this for the last week and a half or so and I am discovering though that it is still not 'easy'! The confusion is gone and so when I pray - I can hear the Lord telling what I should eat - or sometimes it comes as a picture of my plate. So that is huge - a huge answer to prayer ... the problem is that I do not always obey! Ahhh - the sin nature is still present! So what must I do to obey? I thought at first that it was a matter of exercising my will to obey - but the Lord quickly corrected me and said that I do not have that power within my flesh - It all must come from Him. The desire, the will, the obedience, the ability to hear Him - IT ALL MUST COME FROM HIM! 

Doesn't that make it easy? yes and no... yes because it is all Him - no because then I must let go of the control of the whole thing to Him - let everything be His - and let myself just follow. I am still learning, and sometimes I still forget to pray about what I should eat, sometimes it is hard to stop when I should, sometimes I just disobey even when I know what I should do... But the key here - is that I do not feel guilty! I just feel like a kid learning a new skill - and it takes time, and practice! And I feel like the Lord is looking on with love and compassion and encouragement to keep pressing into Him! It is a wonderful new feeling! And it feels like freedom.

bloodline

The last couple of weeks have been interesting! I have had so many opportunities to pray, study, and grow!

I have a friend who is suffering under the weight of a ton of spiritual warfare and some friends and I were able to go to her house and pray and then walk around her house and 'create' a bloodline. I have never done this before - and I had only ever heard of it one time - and it was recent. But when we were praying inside - The Lord just threw the idea into my mind and said to go for it. So we did - we went outside and traversed through wet grass, landscaping, and large pine trees - but we made it all the way around the perimeter of her property praying as we went - and had fun too!

The idea came from a story I had heard in the Spiritual Warfare class I am taking. A witch was attending services at a church and the congregational was all glad to have her - hoping she would be touched by the love and truth of Christ. She was quiet at first but eventually she started casting spells during the services at the back. So that day they asked her to leave and not return. On that day one woman walked around the whole property claiming/praying the blood of Christ to protect them from the evil of the spells and anything else the witch might have done. The witch came back later while the woman was still there and she thought she was trying to enter again, but the witch told her that she could not enter. The woman asked why and she said "you don't know? - There is a bloodline around this church now - and I can not pass over it. But I left my purse in there - would you mind getting it for me?"

Ha - so we prayed that the bloodline that we created would not allow evil to pass over it! I am excited to hear how everything is going - now that we have prayed in and outside of their home. Our God is a powerful God - and the blood of Jesus protects us in ways we have never even fathomed!

praise block

The other day I noticed that every time that I want to let go in my prayers and praise God that nothing comes into my mind. The last time that I noticed this (almost 2 years ago) the Lord pointed out my complete preoccupation with myself. I wanted - no demanded that God give me what I wanted now - and if He didn't I would go away pouting like a child. It was a Sunday morning before church lying in my bed ... wanting to praise and being completely devoid of anything to praise and thank Him for. Of course I could have just gone through some sort of vain list of blessings - my house, my family, etc... But in that time and in this one, I wanted my praise to be spontaneous and led by the Spirit - but there was nothing, I was blank, it was like a wall.

So I am left wondering if my problem is the same as it was before... or if there is something new that I need to be aware of and confess. I read this in the Valley of Vision last night before bed in the Colloquy On Rejoicing:


Remember, O My Soul,
It is thy duty and privilege to rejoice in God:
He requires it of thee for all his favours of grace.
Rejoice then in the Giver and his goodness,
Be happy in him, O my heart, and in nothing but God,
for whatever a man trusts in,
from that he expects happiness.

He who is the ground of thy faith
should be the substance of thy joy.
Whence then come heaviness and dejection,
when joy is sown in thee,
promised by the Father,
bestowed by the Son,
inwrought by the Holy Spirit,
thine by grace,
thy birthright in believing?

Art thou seeking to rejoice in thyself
from an evil motive of pride and self-reputation?
Thou hast nothing of thine own but sin,
nothing to move God to be gracious,
or to continue his grace towards thee.
If thou forget this thou wilt lose thy joy.
Art thou grieving under a sense of indwelling sin?
Let godly sorrow work repentance,
as the true spirit which the Lord blesses,
and which creates fullest joy;
Sorrow for self opens rejoicing in God,
Self-loathing draws down divine delights.
Hast thou sought joys in some creature comfort?
Look not below God for happiness;
fall not asleep in Delilah’s lap.
Let God be all in all to thee, and joy in the fountain that is always full.



What then am I trusting in that blocks all of my spirit's praise? What do I need to repent of Lord? What other comfort am I seeking outside of you?
Ephesians 5: 17- 20 Keeps popping in my head - though I am unclear just what the Lord is trying to say to me....
Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I did a word search at biblegateway.org on praise and asked the Lord to highlight things as I read through the list - here are the highlighted ones - things to pray over and ponder:

Psalm 30: 11,12

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
  that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Psalm 51: 15-17

Unseal my lips, O Lord,
    that my mouth may praise you.
You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
    You do not want a burnt offering.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
    You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

Psalm 57: 7,8

My heart is confident in you, O God;
    my heart is confident.
    No wonder I can sing your praises!
Wake up, my heart!
    Wake up, O lyre and harp!
    I will wake the dawn with my song.

Psalm 63: 3,5,11

Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
    how I praise you!

You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
    I will praise you with songs of joy.

But the king will rejoice in God.
    All who trust in him will praise him,
    while liars will be silenced.

Psalm 64:10

The godly will rejoice in the Lord
    and find shelter in him.
And those who do what is right
    will praise him.

Isaiah 61:2,3

He has sent me to tell those who mourn
    that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
    and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
To all who mourn in Israel,
    he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
    a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
    that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Acts 2:25,26

I see that the Lord is always with me.
    I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
No wonder my heart is glad,
    and my tongue shouts his praises!
    My body rests in hope.

generational sin

I am attending a spiritual warfare class at a church nearby on Sunday afternoons for the next 8 weeks. I just began yesterday. The class is taught by some acquaintances of mine ... and I am looking forward to see how things are done. So far the whole thing seems very fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants but that also seems to be the way they are used to doing things - so far it doesn't bother me. The leaders are a husband and wife team who lead missions trips for adults, 6 months of the year, with YWAM. So they definitely fall into the charismatic side of Christianity - of which I do not come from, but am anxious to learn more about. Before they head out for their mission - they do a lot of training with their teams - they do deliverance and healing ministry with them. It sounds exciting.

So far on my first day we got a basic overview and started looking into generational sin. As I was reading the verses about generational sin - the Lord immediately brought my mind to my father and his family and their relationship to food ... and my addiction to food/aka - the sin of gluttony. My father is overweight for sure, but the rest of his family is even more overweight than he is. All type 2 diabetics, all obese, all do not know when to say when.

So when the next part of the session came to us  - praying for some sin to be revealed so we could practice with it and confess - I knew what the Lord wanted me to confess!

So I walked through the steps with a friend that came with me and then she with me. First you pray for God to reveal to you anything that may have been passed down to you from your family... and write down what the Lord reveals and from whom it came to you by.

Then you confess this sin (and any of its accompanying sins that go along with it) - even for something you had no control over! Repent of your ancestors sin as well as your own. Also, ask forgiveness if you have ever been angry at God for allowing this to be passed to you - I struggle with blaming God so I definitely added that part in.

Third, forgive and release your ancestors for passing this on and any curses that may have come with it.

Then ask for God's forgiveness - especially that you receive and believe His forgiveness.

Finally, you recognize the authority that has been placed in you - as one you who is united in Christ - and you place the cross between you and the ancestor's sin and command all it's curses to be halted in the name of Jesus.

This is something like what I have done in Neil Anderson's book the Bondage Breaker... but the Lord had never revealed this generational tie to food before. And it is not at all a coincidence that I just recognized my need to confess any unbelief as sin to the Lord earlier in the week! The Lord was preparing me to receive this very message from Him.

The leaders of the group told us to expect God to work in this area of our lives this week.... So I am excited to see what He may do in me. I prayed for big things. That he would heal me of my addiction to food, change my metabolism and make it even the tiniest bit faster, change my taste buds - and all my senses to relate more wisely with food, and for my stomach and mind to know when I am hungry and full. Yay - let's see what He does!

confess unbelief

Unbelief is sin. All unbelief about who God says He is - is sin.

I have never completely realized this was sin before. I was always working under the assumption that unbelief is just part of who we are - a part of our nature to question if things are true or not. And if I have ever thought of unbelief as sin before - it was only ever in relation to my initial salvation - and not to my ongoing sanctification.

Usually we just acknowledge that we have been believing lies about God. And once we acknowledge them - we then have an opportunity to choose whether we are going to walk in the truth or the lie... this is our normal course of things - at least in all I have seen and done.

Now the Lord has pointed out to me something that is entirely new to me - if my unbelief is a sin - then I must confess it - and bring it before Him into the light.

Here is the other amazing truth - I can not choose the truth over the lie .... NO! I must pray for the unbelief to be removed, and pray for the faith to believe the truth - so that my whole being will know that truth without question.

Then we will see God as He is - He is everything! - He is both the remover of sin and the filler of truth. AND the provider of faith.

Many verses ....

Heb 3:19
So because of their unbelief they were not able to enter His rest.

Heb 4: 1-3
God’s promise of entering his rest still stands, so we ought to tremble with fear that some of you might fail to experience it. For this good news—that God has prepared this rest—has been announced to us just as it was to them. But it did them no good because they didn’t share the faith of those who listened to God. For only we who believe can enter his rest.

Romans:10:17
Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.

Heb 11:1
Faith is the assurance of things hoped for - the confidence of things not seen.

Heb 12:2
Jesus is the author and perfecter of our faith

Romans 12: 3, 2 Cor 10:13
Faith has been allotted to each of us but - we can grow in it too.

Galatians 3:3
If you began your new life in the Spirit - what makes you think you can now perfect it in the flesh - we need Jesus from start to finish - to perfect this faith in us.

truth

As I woke up this morning singing ... Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner... I also felt the Lord calling me to recall many of His promises. And pray for them to be exercised by faith in me.

Yesterday was full of doubts. Doubts about what God has called me to do, and doubts about His character. As I said yesterday - when I can not hear Him - or feel Him near - I get lost and I start exercising all of my old doubts. But I can NOT continue down that old path anymore!

I believe the Lord is calling me out of this old way - which is part of my bondage to sinful eating. As soon as I eat the 'wrong' thing (I say it that way - because I do not believe any food is wrong to eat - but all good food comes from the Lord. However, He has called me into a fast - and so I am abstaining from many normal foods - in order to learn discipline and obedience.) - I do not run to the Lord - I do not confess it to Him and keep moving on with Him. No - instead, I eat the 'wrong' thing, listen to the lies of the enemy telling me that my day is ruined, feel all the guilt - and continue on in my day, rehearsing more lies that lead into doubting the goodness of my God. This is the seasick pattern that has been my way for so long.

So how do I do it differently? I need to stop going over the lies again and again. The new way has to be a rehearsing of the truth when temptation comes ... But the work of faith has to come from the Lord - He will grow the faith in me until I believe the truth... until the truth owns me and I find rest in it.

As I was praying this morning - I felt the Lord calling my attention to one particular lie. The lie that says when I can not hear Him and feel Him near - that He is actually NOT there. BUT that is simply not the truth of scripture, James 4:8 says very clearly that if I draw close to Him, He will draw close to me. It doesn't even matter why I am still believing it - I just am. The lie has become such a part of me that I can not undo its work in me - God must heal me of it.

So as I was praying - I cried out to God to help my unbelief. And I asked Him to create the faith in me to believe James 4:8 without question. And even now as I am typing I am confessing my unbelief - my SIN of unbelief - and I am moving ahead with the Lord today.  And I choose to believe that He will keep me from moving into that sin again. Because He is here. Because He is a God who gives good gifts to His children when they ask.

*** Ah an answer to prayer! I asked God to do this very thing in me on September 5 - down in the post called 'true'. Praise God for His good gifts!

afresh

I wake up most mornings with this song in my heart ... it is from the liturgy that I sang at church as a kid. Except I always hear Leigh Nash's voice from one of the City on a Hill albums...

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

I woke up singing it again this morning. Yesterday was a mess for me with food - and I knew today I would need to start again. I wake up singing this song most days - but today especially, I was glad to open myself up to this confession, and receive the Lord's work in me.

I read an Andrew Murray chapter yesterday from 'Abide in Christ' about the blessing God has given us in the cycle of days. Each day ends and allows us to start afresh the next day. Each day ends with a time of rest - so that we are ready for the next day. And we are reminded in Matthew 6:34 - that we only need to worry about today - because each day has enough trouble of its own.

And Andrew Murray reminded me of something that I learned a couple of years ago - that I only need to worry about being obedient today. And that God gives us grace and mercies only for this day - and tomorrow we will receive new ones again.

I am a sinner ... but a sinner that is saved by a good God who gives His children good gifts.

sea sick

Ugh. I truly hate my emotional ups and downs. One day I am charged and ready for a new challenge ... excited to follow God into whatever. The next day - like today - I have thrown in all of those ideals for my own ideas ... like eating whatever, indulging my doubts, and watching too much TV.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

What is to become of me if I continue on this course besides getting sea sick. 

Do I want healing, do I want to be free of this addiction, do I want to know God better - I can honestly say YES! But today my thoughts are dull and it is hard to hear the Lord - to feel Him - and that is when I get lost. I keep praying and He still seems distant ... and then my doubts set in and I follow after the comfortable well-known lies. The lies that are worn in and time-tested - my rut. I keep pursuing the truth - listening to music - but my ears are dull. I read, studied, and prayed until I fell asleep - but my ears are still dull. 

What is the deal, Lord? I already feel sea sick... please break through.

deserve?

I have been thinking about the word 'deserve'. It is one that we as Americans throw around a lot.
I 'deserve' a break!
You 'deserve' that piece of cake or that 300 dollar phone etc...
That person 'deserves' what he gets.
All Americans 'deserve' health care.

I was thinking about it in regards to me and eating. I began my fast today and I feel like crap. So I am taking this day slow. But then I got to wondering about that word 'deserve'. Do I 'deserve' a slow day? Am I not the one who got myself into this situation? It may not have been entirely a conscious decision to over indulge when I was young ... especially as it then snowballed into an addiction in my teen and adult years. But somewhere in there I was aware that my overeating was a problem. The issue is that no matter how many times I have tried to overcome my addiction - I am incapable of freeing myself of its bondage. Yet here I am still - with the same mentality that I have begun this whole thing with - 'I deserve'.

So I looked up all the verses with the word deserve in it and also looked up the definition. Deserve simply means that we get what our deeds render, we reap what we sow. If I plant tomatoes - I will get tomatoes. Well than - haven't I gotten what I deserve? If I have eaten to the point of gluttony - than it stands to reason that I am a glutton (or is the reverse true - I am a glutton - so I eat to the point of gluttony?) and thus I am overweight and unhealthy - the natural consequences of such behavior.

But that is not how Americans use this word is it? - they use the word more like it means 'entitled'. Which means to authorize or privilege. For example - I have a coupon for half off my entree - this authorizes me to get this discount. I have been given a special privilege - and this is outside of the normal practice... It denotes that I am a special case or different in some way. The problem with Americans though, is that this kind of privilege is bestowed on us regularly - and now we have come to expect it - regularly.

My regular entitlement is .... I should get to eat whatever tastes good. Whatever people serve me... that I need a feast, that I should get to eat however and whenever I want. Oh and regardless of all of that eating - I should then also be thin and attractive and fit and not have to work at it. I think I am 'entitled' to a different body, set of circumstances, different stomach, a different mind or even a free pass from all of this nonsense. So then I start to blame God for making me this way - or allowing this or that to happen etc etc.... And wow - that will get messy quick - and pretty sure I am on the losing end of that conversation!

So what is it that I deserve? In my sinful flesh - I can only reap what it sows - and that will be more sin. If I continue to allow my gluttony to win the day than I will reap its consequences. Because sin deserves more sin - because that is the only thing it can sow - so thus it is the ONLY thing it can reap.

But thank God - in Jesus I am entitled to so much more! Because He has given me the privilege to be united in Christ! In His death, resurrection, and new life - and only because of what Christ has done - and not from anything in me - He has secured so many promises - so many blessings, to those who are found in Him. So I am a special case - I actually am different - but not because I am American but because I am found in Christ! Those promises and blessings are mine because I am united to Christ! His grace entitles me to so many great things - He has given me so much MORE than I deserve.

So in regards to my body and eating what are my promises? .... I think I need to leave that for my next post!

Some interesting verses from my search:

For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time—to show us his grace through Christ Jesus.
2 Timothy 1:9

He repays people according to their deeds. He treats people as they deserve.
Job 34:11

He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.

Psalm 103:10

Give to the LORD the glory he deserves! Bring your offering and come into his courts.

Psalm 96:8

But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”

Jeremiah 17:10

O my God, lean down and listen to me. Open your eyes and see our despair. See how your city—the city that bears your name—lies in ruins. We make this plea, not because we deserve help, but because of your mercy.

Daniel 9:18

Don’t move around from home to home. Stay in one place, eating and drinking what they provide. Don’t hesitate to accept hospitality, because those who work deserve their pay.

Luke 10:7

Likewise, David said, “Let their bountiful table become a snare, a trap that makes them think all is well. Let their blessings cause them to stumble, and let them get what they deserve.

Romans 11:9

For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body.

2 Corinthians 5:10

freedom

I am getting ready for a fast. This Sunday I will be fasting, and then on Monday I will be Medifasting for the next few months. During Lent this past Spring I fasted and Medifasted, and hoped that through this act of discipline and dedicated time set aside for the Lord that He might heal me from my eating addiction. Instead, he healed me from my TV addiction instead!

All during that fast - I was feeling terribly oppressed and I used TV as a ready and easy escape. I was pursuing the Lord so much during that time - that it felt like it was OK to take a break and watch some TV. Yet, during the fast I felt the Lord asking me to give up my TV escape. But I asked in desperation to please continue till the end of Lent and He said 'that's OK'. Then at the end of Lent - I let go of TV and felt an actual release inside - something in me was finally free, as I spontaneously cried and was led into worship.

So to be honest, I am hoping for big things for this fast! I want to be free of my addiction! I want the Lord to heal me!

A friend just gave me a link to a blog where this woman was honestly sharing her thoughts on eating. One thing that she said that I wholeheartedly agree with is that we are meant to have times of fasting and times of feasting. Yes - that seems truly biblical. But, she also said that we as Americans have taken feasting to a whole new level.  I agree - this is where I fall into my problem. If I take a break to feast, then I never want to stop feasting. Everything tastes so good and fresh when you are on vacation or when it's summer, or at Christmastime. We should get to taste all those lovely flavors at different times of the year. But then I begin to think I deserve to continue eating like that all the time. And I stop listening to the Lord's voice on what I should eat and not eat - and start listening to my flesh.

As I was praying about this issue yesterday, and thinking through what healing will mean for me, the Lord brought something to mind. Way back in May I was leading a study on the Holy Spirit - I can't remember exactly what we were talking about but as I started to say something -- I knew the words coming from my mouth were not my own and were in fact for me as much as everyone else in the room ( It was the Spirit breaking in). I was sharing about my food addiction and saying 'What if The Lord really wants me to listen to His voice about every bite that I eat, what if He wants me to know His voice that well - especially while I eat? What if He desires that kind of obedience?'

I think He does want that kind of obedience from me. And so I am fasting again. Praying that as I do He will bring healing - not just break the bonds of my addiction but heal my body from all of my back pain. For some reason - I feel like the Lord is linking the two things together. Soon - I will get to see what happens! How I am longing for the freedom He will bring!

true

We are not at liberty to change or to limit the promises of God whenever they present some difficulty to us; neither can we insist that they shall be clearly explained to us before we can bring ourselves to believe what they state. It is for us to begin by receiving them without resistance; then only can the Spirit of God find us in the state of mind in which we can be taught and enlightened.
                                                                               - Andrew Murray, Divine Healing

This quote is excellent. How many of my days as a Christ-Follower have I done this very thing - limit the promises of God. I have spent too many moments doubting God, too many days asking God to prove Himself to me.

But I do not need to understand His promises to believe that they are true. I simply believe they are true because Jesus is true.



Lord Jesus, move away my walls of doubt, fill me with faith. Strip off my unbelief and help me to firmly stand on your truth.