give what you have

Here is a letter  I wrote to a friend recently about my current state in my prayer life - I feel like it sums up where my head has been...

"I know what it is like to constantly be going back and forth, back and forth with the Lord. One day I am full of faith, the next i am full of doubt and I question God, His ways, and His love. It is very frustrating!

Lately, I have been praying for more faith, patience, and a steadfast spirit that will wait on Him in faith, not doubt, and remain constant in my belief and my action toward Him and others. All of my prayers lately on my own have felt very fruitless and chaotic - it is only when I have prayed together in my prayer group - or minutes before as I am preparing for the group that I can feel His presence and His words for me. I am not sure why that is, but I guess i should be grateful i am hearing Him at all.

These times of fog and waiting must be something the Lord wants for us - though I do not know the entire purpose - they must be here to grow our faith and faithfulness to Him. I don't like it, but I feel like I need to stop fighting it and instead submit to it... after all it seems to be what He desires for now. That is not to say i can't ask for His presence - or ask for Him to reveal any sin that may be blocking our fellowship ... but also to be happy and content to wait.

Last week before my prayer night i felt the Lord rebuke me for wanting to take from Him always - have more understanding, more power, more presence, more glory... do i want the glory for Him or myself? Why do I want to take so much - to fill myself up and make myself content - regardless of God and His glory? These are questions that need reflecting on... How and what do I have to give to the Lord except my mess and meager attempts to worship - and even that seems like it is born out of His grace ... in the end I just need to put myself at His mercy and wait."

Soon after this I was reading in Luke and was reading a familiar story that suddenly became wildly fresh to me:

 
One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume.  Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them.

When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!”

Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.”

“Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied.

Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver[i] to one and 50 pieces to the other.  But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?”

Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.”

 “That’s right,” Jesus said.  Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.

“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”

 The men at the table said among themselves, “Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?”

 And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”


When the Lord rebuked me for wanting to take take take - I instantly knew He was right and though I know its true... I often do not know how to praise Him - what to give back. My words are lame and my thoughts scattered. As I read this - I knew the Lord was saying to me - give what you can! If you only have lame words - give those. If you only have tears - give those. If you only have confused and scattered thoughts - give those. This woman gave what she could - she had some perfume - a precious gift ... but also she gave tears, kisses, and a sacrifice of pride. She was willing to walk into a room filled with men who I bet she knew despised her and worship Jesus. She chose to look foolish before men - to be near her Lord.  She chose to pour herself out in one of the most beautiful displays of worship ever recorded. She chose to be 'naked' and unashamed before Jesus. She just had to be near Him.