(this post has been in my drafts for a while - so a bit out of sequence) While on my retreat the Lord put some things together for me.
I have been reading Luke with a friend and discussing. So of course we have read Christ's birth narrative. I have been reflecting on Zechariah's angelic meeting with Gabriel verses Mary's. And how they both asked questions of Gabriel but only one gets rebuked and muted for 9 months. I am afraid up until recently in my faith journey I would have fallen into Zechariah's camp. I have questioned unto doubt. I have doubted God's character, I have questioned His love for me, questioned His desire to bless. It stings to know that about myself, but it is true nonetheless.
Mary questions unto faith. She trusts God's character even when she doesn't know how all the details will work. She knows God's love is true - it is real to her - it is daily truth to her. She has felt His hand of blessing, but hasn't expected blessing as if she deserves it, ... but that is what I have always done. I have expected that being a daughter of the King of the Universe means that I would get certain perks in life. My imagining of life as a princess has been more of fairy tales and less like Christ's life. He came to suffer, to serve, to die. He had no perks in life except one - complete intimacy with the Father.
I felt like God was saying to me while I was praying that I didn't have to be like Zechariah anymore. Even though I do not have it all figured out ( as if I could! ) - even though I could not wrap my brain around all the things that I feel like get in my way when I am questioning - that I could still trust his good character - in faith. He would provide me the faith I need to put that struggle to rest in me - and I could just trust and rest in who He is. I could still wrestle with all my questions but He would help me just say with Mary, ' I am the Lord's servant, and I am willing to accept whatever He wants. May everything you have said come true.' She could say that because she knew God's heart for her - it was her daily truth - Lord make it true of me as well!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
surrender
How do I give myself to the Lord like that? How do I give Him all? How do I walk naked before Him - reserving nothing for myself? How do I stand always at the edge of the cliff waiting and open? Am I even able to do this - as I feel like you are calling me Father? I hear you calling me, I feel you pulling me there! I am so frightened and yet so exhilarated!
I started reading Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray last night before bed. He was a contemporary of Hudson Taylor living in South Africa as a writer and pastor. I am only a couple pages in and already I am overwhelmed...
He writes "... the condition of God's blessing is absolute surrender of all into His hands"
"I have come with a message to those who are fearful and anxious. God does not ask you to give the perfect surrender in your strength, or by the power of your will; God is willing to work it in you."
Phil 2:13
For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him.
Hudson Taylor wrote that even when we are faithless - He abides faithful ....
So if we are joined in Him, united into His body, one with Him, complete in Christ, sealed with the Holy Spirit, hidden with Christ in God - then even when we are faithless - He is faithful enough for us all and I need not worry - He will not allow me to be put to shame. He will do the faith providing. He will give all that is necessary.
God I am not faithful, I am weak and small, I am tired and worn out, I am powerless. But in You I am filled with all faith, I am strong, I am an heir, I am full of energy, I am new, I am filled with power. I am one with You. May I surrender everything to You.
May I weep at your feet, washing your feet with my hair, praising your name - willing to sacrifice all that is precious to me. It scares me to write that - to have it out there - as if having it in print makes it more true. But that is what I want Lord. I want to worship you with everything that I am.
I started reading Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray last night before bed. He was a contemporary of Hudson Taylor living in South Africa as a writer and pastor. I am only a couple pages in and already I am overwhelmed...
He writes "... the condition of God's blessing is absolute surrender of all into His hands"
"I have come with a message to those who are fearful and anxious. God does not ask you to give the perfect surrender in your strength, or by the power of your will; God is willing to work it in you."
Phil 2:13
For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him.
Hudson Taylor wrote that even when we are faithless - He abides faithful ....
So if we are joined in Him, united into His body, one with Him, complete in Christ, sealed with the Holy Spirit, hidden with Christ in God - then even when we are faithless - He is faithful enough for us all and I need not worry - He will not allow me to be put to shame. He will do the faith providing. He will give all that is necessary.
God I am not faithful, I am weak and small, I am tired and worn out, I am powerless. But in You I am filled with all faith, I am strong, I am an heir, I am full of energy, I am new, I am filled with power. I am one with You. May I surrender everything to You.
May I weep at your feet, washing your feet with my hair, praising your name - willing to sacrifice all that is precious to me. It scares me to write that - to have it out there - as if having it in print makes it more true. But that is what I want Lord. I want to worship you with everything that I am.
hudson taylor
I have finished Hudson Taylor's biography, it was excellent. But not because it was written so well or anything like that ... it's because He poured out his whole life to the Lord. Nothing was held back, not his wife, not his kids, nothing in his own life, not his own finances, sleep, time - all was given up - gladly to the Lord.
Here are some of the gems:
They would hear a match stuck (even after the most horrible days of travel or struggle) and see the flicker of candlelight which told that Mr. Taylor, however weary, was pouring over the Bible in 2 volumes always at hand. From 2 to 4 am was the time He usually gave to prayer; the time he could be most assured of being undisturbed to wait upon God.
Turning back, Mr Nichol could not help exclaiming " How can you whistle, when our friends are in so much danger?!" " Would you have me anxious and troubled? " was his quiet reply. " That would not help them, and would certainly incapacitate me for my work. I have just to roll the burden on the Lord."
He abideth faithful and cannot deny Himself. If we are really trusting in Him and seeking from Him, we cannot be put to shame.
Surrender to Christ he had long known, this was something more; this was a new yieldedness, a glad, unreserved handing over of self and everything to Him. It was no longer a question of giving up this or that if the Lord required it; it was a loyal and loving acceptance, a joyful meeting of His will in things little and great, as the very best that could be for His own.
There is a needs-be for us to give ourselves for the life of the world. An easy non-self-denying life will never be one of power. Fruit-bearing involves cross-bearing. There are not 2 Christs - an easy going one for easy going Christians, and a suffering, toiling one for exceptional believers. There is only one Christ. Are you willing to abide in Him and thus bear much fruit?
Wow - and that is only some of it!
I am blown away by the faith God gave to this man.
How I long for such a faith yet feel so unprepared for the trial and suffering that come with it. I guess he was not prepared either ... but oh how he welcomed whatever came from the Lord - as gain. Even when his daughter died, then a son died, even when his wife and newborn child were taken by the Lord, he wept in joy. All was for His glory.
Here are some of the gems:
They would hear a match stuck (even after the most horrible days of travel or struggle) and see the flicker of candlelight which told that Mr. Taylor, however weary, was pouring over the Bible in 2 volumes always at hand. From 2 to 4 am was the time He usually gave to prayer; the time he could be most assured of being undisturbed to wait upon God.
Turning back, Mr Nichol could not help exclaiming " How can you whistle, when our friends are in so much danger?!" " Would you have me anxious and troubled? " was his quiet reply. " That would not help them, and would certainly incapacitate me for my work. I have just to roll the burden on the Lord."
He abideth faithful and cannot deny Himself. If we are really trusting in Him and seeking from Him, we cannot be put to shame.
Surrender to Christ he had long known, this was something more; this was a new yieldedness, a glad, unreserved handing over of self and everything to Him. It was no longer a question of giving up this or that if the Lord required it; it was a loyal and loving acceptance, a joyful meeting of His will in things little and great, as the very best that could be for His own.
There is a needs-be for us to give ourselves for the life of the world. An easy non-self-denying life will never be one of power. Fruit-bearing involves cross-bearing. There are not 2 Christs - an easy going one for easy going Christians, and a suffering, toiling one for exceptional believers. There is only one Christ. Are you willing to abide in Him and thus bear much fruit?
Wow - and that is only some of it!
I am blown away by the faith God gave to this man.
How I long for such a faith yet feel so unprepared for the trial and suffering that come with it. I guess he was not prepared either ... but oh how he welcomed whatever came from the Lord - as gain. Even when his daughter died, then a son died, even when his wife and newborn child were taken by the Lord, he wept in joy. All was for His glory.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Colossians 1
During the full day of prayer on the prayer retreat, the Lord highlighted many things for me, and I tried to keep in mind the words He had given me that morning. Let yourself be naked before me, wide open, and worship. I kept my dream in mind as I prayerfully read through Colossians. I was expectant and hopeful and I felt the Lord's presence strongly on me, my heart even beat erratically.
These are all parts of Colossians 1:
For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and your love for all of God's people, which come from your confident hope of what God has reserved for you in heaven.
We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people...
Everything was created through Him and and for Him.
As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.
But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don't drift away...
And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory.
God was beginning to link all of these verses together for me as I prayed to understand their meaning.
These are all parts of Colossians 1:
For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and your love for all of God's people, which come from your confident hope of what God has reserved for you in heaven.
We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people...
Everything was created through Him and and for Him.
As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.
But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don't drift away...
And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory.
God was beginning to link all of these verses together for me as I prayed to understand their meaning.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
naked dream
I had a dream last week. The kind that you know are different even while you are having it. It was from the Lord...
In the dream - the Lord asked me to walk around naked. All through my day - while I did all the things I was supposed to do, errands, chores, everything. It was awkward, it was startling to be seen, it was hard not to want to cover myself, it was scary. But all the while I could feel the Lord with me, I could feel Him near, I could hear Him encouraging me. Then later in the day I had to go to a wedding. As soon as I entered, I immediately felt even more naked and wanted to blend in and cover myself. I put on a dress. It was a pink and gold over the top princess dress - not unlike a 'dress up' dress that my girls would love to put on. And so I attended the wedding all 'dressed up' even though the dress was nothing like what everyone else was wearing.
I woke up from the dream and immediately heard the Lord say to me - A...., I have asked you to be naked before me, but you have chosen to cover yourself in your own glory.
Later that day I began looking through the Bible for references to nakedness. Of course Adam and Eve came up, a lot of references to nakedness and shame, and then in Hebrews 4...
For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.
In the dream - the Lord asked me to walk around naked. All through my day - while I did all the things I was supposed to do, errands, chores, everything. It was awkward, it was startling to be seen, it was hard not to want to cover myself, it was scary. But all the while I could feel the Lord with me, I could feel Him near, I could hear Him encouraging me. Then later in the day I had to go to a wedding. As soon as I entered, I immediately felt even more naked and wanted to blend in and cover myself. I put on a dress. It was a pink and gold over the top princess dress - not unlike a 'dress up' dress that my girls would love to put on. And so I attended the wedding all 'dressed up' even though the dress was nothing like what everyone else was wearing.
I woke up from the dream and immediately heard the Lord say to me - A...., I have asked you to be naked before me, but you have chosen to cover yourself in your own glory.
Later that day I began looking through the Bible for references to nakedness. Of course Adam and Eve came up, a lot of references to nakedness and shame, and then in Hebrews 4...
For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.
morning worship
My retreat experience was amazing. Though difficult at times - totally worth it. To have so much quiet, so much focused time, so much time in the Word, was a true gift.
Each of the 2 mornings I had set aside time for us each to have our own worship time before the Lord. I encouraged everyone to bring an iPod filled with worship music so that everyone could worship on their own.
My first morning was so wonderful. I climbed into my top bunk after showering and getting ready for the day, iPod and Bible in hand. I listened to some worship music - it was if the Lord had picked it out for me. He reminded me of His love for me, He helped me take my eyes off myself and turn them to Him. As I turned off the music, He directed me to read Luke 8 - a story that had stood out to me in the last few weeks. It's the story of the immoral woman who weeps at Jesus' feet, and pours out worship to Him. The Lord opened me wide to hear the Word fresh again. I was so struck by her willingness to give everything she had - to be so seemingly foolish and worship so nakedly in front of those who despised her. I was struck by Jesus saying that those who are forgiven much also love much. I was struck by Jesus saying that her faith saved her.
As I read the story again... the Lord pulled together the things that He desired me to say as we prepared for our day of prayer. I had no idea what he wanted me to say until then. He brought to mind a dream I had had the week before, and tied it together with this story and a selection from Hebrews. It was amazing - it was exactly the thing needed - and He did it all - and I got to experience it all.
Each of the 2 mornings I had set aside time for us each to have our own worship time before the Lord. I encouraged everyone to bring an iPod filled with worship music so that everyone could worship on their own.
My first morning was so wonderful. I climbed into my top bunk after showering and getting ready for the day, iPod and Bible in hand. I listened to some worship music - it was if the Lord had picked it out for me. He reminded me of His love for me, He helped me take my eyes off myself and turn them to Him. As I turned off the music, He directed me to read Luke 8 - a story that had stood out to me in the last few weeks. It's the story of the immoral woman who weeps at Jesus' feet, and pours out worship to Him. The Lord opened me wide to hear the Word fresh again. I was so struck by her willingness to give everything she had - to be so seemingly foolish and worship so nakedly in front of those who despised her. I was struck by Jesus saying that those who are forgiven much also love much. I was struck by Jesus saying that her faith saved her.
As I read the story again... the Lord pulled together the things that He desired me to say as we prepared for our day of prayer. I had no idea what he wanted me to say until then. He brought to mind a dream I had had the week before, and tied it together with this story and a selection from Hebrews. It was amazing - it was exactly the thing needed - and He did it all - and I got to experience it all.
prayer retreat
I just ran a prayer retreat this past weekend. It was my first ever - and I feel like it went rather well. It was 2 nights and 1 1/2 days. On Friday - the only full day I think we prayed for around 8 hours - though not straight through! I had never been on a prayer retreat before - so I didn't even know what to expect. I went to some websites to see what others do - to get an idea. Then I dove in, prayed and asked for God's guidance on the plans. We studied the entire book of Colossians - praying through it in the Lectio Divina style. I didn't give too much instruction - or even many guidelines - I just wanted to give the women who came with me an opportunity to put themselves before the Lord and be quiet for a really long time.
I don't think there is enough quiet in our lives.
It was interesting to hear how the Lord interacted with all of us. The first session - a 2 hour block, Col Chapter 1 - seemed to go really well for everyone after getting past our layer of distraction and surface thoughts. But then after that, meeting with the Lord seemed to come pretty easily for everyone. The hour of intercession during our lunch fast went really easily... but then the 2nd 2 hour block - Col chapter 2 was a mixed review some difficult, some easy - but generally it seemed that continuing to press in was more difficult. The 3rd 2 hour block - Col chapter 3&4 - was quite difficult - we were expecting resolution but not all received what they were hoping for.
At the debrief at dinner that night I asked everyone what they had received from the Lord, what did He highlight for them in scripture, what did they appreciate the most? All were really glad to be set before the Lord for such a long time - for so much quiet - for such a unique opportunity. Everyone it seemed had received different things from the Lord, one women looked at suffering, one at thankfulness and being brought into the kingdom of light, one at the will of God, one at the promises of God, one at fear. God had met with us all so differently - so tailored according to our needs, yet we were all reading the same text.
I don't know if I would do anything different... should I have given more spiritual direction? Should I have debriefed with each woman afterwards? Should we have given more specific instruction? I am really unsure... I guess the Lord will show me over time.
I don't think there is enough quiet in our lives.
It was interesting to hear how the Lord interacted with all of us. The first session - a 2 hour block, Col Chapter 1 - seemed to go really well for everyone after getting past our layer of distraction and surface thoughts. But then after that, meeting with the Lord seemed to come pretty easily for everyone. The hour of intercession during our lunch fast went really easily... but then the 2nd 2 hour block - Col chapter 2 was a mixed review some difficult, some easy - but generally it seemed that continuing to press in was more difficult. The 3rd 2 hour block - Col chapter 3&4 - was quite difficult - we were expecting resolution but not all received what they were hoping for.
At the debrief at dinner that night I asked everyone what they had received from the Lord, what did He highlight for them in scripture, what did they appreciate the most? All were really glad to be set before the Lord for such a long time - for so much quiet - for such a unique opportunity. Everyone it seemed had received different things from the Lord, one women looked at suffering, one at thankfulness and being brought into the kingdom of light, one at the will of God, one at the promises of God, one at fear. God had met with us all so differently - so tailored according to our needs, yet we were all reading the same text.
I don't know if I would do anything different... should I have given more spiritual direction? Should I have debriefed with each woman afterwards? Should we have given more specific instruction? I am really unsure... I guess the Lord will show me over time.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
welcome the desert
I am reading another book... The Beginner's Guide to The Gift of Prophecy by Jack Deere. It is really good - He seems to be a very level headed yet open man - and totally grounded in scripture. I have read his 2 others as well - Surprised by the Holy Spirit, and Surprised by the Voice of God - both were excellent.
I am reading it because I believe God has given me the gift of prophecy and I want to know more about it, and learn how to use my gift to bring God glory. I so long to see God's power displayed in amazing ways in my life and in my church. I believe He wants that too - so I am waiting and praying to hear His leading in whatever He may have me do.
My gift of prophecy is not very strong - as I read in the book - compared to others. I think I am alright with that for now... though Jack Deere does say that we can pray for our gifts to grow and strengthen. But it also seems like a huge responsibility to have a really strong gift - and I do not feel prepared for that - so I will follow along and learn as I go. But I feel the desire in me growing - to see God revealed in this way ... I hope that desire in me is born of God and not some jacked up form of pride. Pride can only lead this all to disaster - in fact that is what I am reading about now - how humility is a foundational quality found in the prophets of the Bible.
Humility he says is found in the desert. "The desert is necessary because no human being has the character to bear perpetual success. Jesus had the character, but His Father did not except Him from the rule. We need failure, pain , and dryness to break the power of our pride. In this life there is no cure for our pride. We are offered a daily reprieve based on the quality of our daily walk with Jesus. The desert is one of those places where we discover our absolute need of that walk... Welcome the desert. It means the gift of humility is being imparted and that promotion or restoration are on the way."
I have not been good at welcoming the desert in the past. I have always fought it. It has inspired bitterness and doubt in me instead of humility and faith. This last year has been different. When the Lord removed His presence from me - I pitched my usual blame, demand and doubt tantrum to the Lord. Thankfully He is way more patient with me than I am and gently led me along to see how ugly I was behaving and helped me to open up to His rebukes and corrections. It certainly wasn't easy but eventually I got the message! And for the first time - I felt like I actually learned something in my desert experience - usually I am so busy fighting against it - I miss the whole point!
Anyway, I still feel like I am in the desert. These last few months have been so busy, difficult, and draining. But I am thankful for the lessons I am learning about God's faithfulness and my need to respond to Him with a steadfast faith in return. It has been hard but good.
I am reading it because I believe God has given me the gift of prophecy and I want to know more about it, and learn how to use my gift to bring God glory. I so long to see God's power displayed in amazing ways in my life and in my church. I believe He wants that too - so I am waiting and praying to hear His leading in whatever He may have me do.
My gift of prophecy is not very strong - as I read in the book - compared to others. I think I am alright with that for now... though Jack Deere does say that we can pray for our gifts to grow and strengthen. But it also seems like a huge responsibility to have a really strong gift - and I do not feel prepared for that - so I will follow along and learn as I go. But I feel the desire in me growing - to see God revealed in this way ... I hope that desire in me is born of God and not some jacked up form of pride. Pride can only lead this all to disaster - in fact that is what I am reading about now - how humility is a foundational quality found in the prophets of the Bible.
Humility he says is found in the desert. "The desert is necessary because no human being has the character to bear perpetual success. Jesus had the character, but His Father did not except Him from the rule. We need failure, pain , and dryness to break the power of our pride. In this life there is no cure for our pride. We are offered a daily reprieve based on the quality of our daily walk with Jesus. The desert is one of those places where we discover our absolute need of that walk... Welcome the desert. It means the gift of humility is being imparted and that promotion or restoration are on the way."
I have not been good at welcoming the desert in the past. I have always fought it. It has inspired bitterness and doubt in me instead of humility and faith. This last year has been different. When the Lord removed His presence from me - I pitched my usual blame, demand and doubt tantrum to the Lord. Thankfully He is way more patient with me than I am and gently led me along to see how ugly I was behaving and helped me to open up to His rebukes and corrections. It certainly wasn't easy but eventually I got the message! And for the first time - I felt like I actually learned something in my desert experience - usually I am so busy fighting against it - I miss the whole point!
Anyway, I still feel like I am in the desert. These last few months have been so busy, difficult, and draining. But I am thankful for the lessons I am learning about God's faithfulness and my need to respond to Him with a steadfast faith in return. It has been hard but good.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
a better plan
I have been going back and forth in a conversation with myself and others about God's sovereignty and our responsibility/free will. I know it is an never-ending circle - no one can ever win this argument. As soon as you argue too much on one side - you lose too much on the other. In the end it is a both/and. God is sovereign and yet somehow we are free to choose. Most of our conversation has been about prayer - does faith play a part, do I need to pray, do my prayers make a difference.... etc.
For me though, God's sovereignty was never in question - I do believe He is in control of all things - and is weaving together all things for His glory and our highest good and joy. My problem is knowing just what my responsibility is. We are called to be co-laborers, not to harden our hearts, to ask, and pray, be persistent, to persevere in prayer, and express our faith - what does all of that mean , look like? Why, what is it all for - if He knows the end - and has control over the end - how do we participate in all of it?
I don't know... my greatest thought on all of it is that somehow in our finite portion of life - it matters. And besides all of that He has commanded us in all these things. So I can either choose to obey and step out in faith and expect Him to lead me along just like He says He will - trusting His character, or I can sit back and do nothing and miss out on being a part of what He is doing.
Either way there will be suffering - that's what this life offers in the end ... but if I am willing to suffer along with Jesus - in whatever He may choose for me - I can experience His mercy, grace, and joy in all of that suffering. The latter sounds like a better plan to me.
As I have gone around and around on this, a theme has kept coming up - a friend put into just the right words for me ... we are spiritually lazy. We have not be doing our part - however meager it may be. We are called to pray, to persist, to have amazing faith, to not harden our hearts, to persevere in prayer, to sacrifice, to speak out the truth, to evangelize - the list could go on forever ... and we simply are not doing it enough. We are not stepping out in faith trusting that God will supply the things that we need in whatever He has called us to. In fact we are not even listening to the call. We are not putting ourselves before Him listening for our call to action. We are not willing to be fools for Him, we are not willing to sacrifice our time, sleep, tv, food, or whatever - to pray, pray and pray some more and then go and do the things He has called us to.
I have been reading a book - Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret. I just started reading it yesterday and already I am struck by his amazing faith. His total willingness to sacrifice, and sacrifice, and sacrifice for the Lord. He lived utterly on faith - it's almost ridiculous to read - I can hardly believe its true! He always expected the Lord to show up and do amazing things - and God did. I have never seen faith like this - I have never known anyone that has lived this kind of poured out life.
It makes me want to pray a lot more. It makes me want to give up more of my crap and be free from it. It makes me want to sacrifice time, food, pleasure - all of those things to see more of the Lord. It makes me want to have more faith - so God can do even more amazing things through me.
For me though, God's sovereignty was never in question - I do believe He is in control of all things - and is weaving together all things for His glory and our highest good and joy. My problem is knowing just what my responsibility is. We are called to be co-laborers, not to harden our hearts, to ask, and pray, be persistent, to persevere in prayer, and express our faith - what does all of that mean , look like? Why, what is it all for - if He knows the end - and has control over the end - how do we participate in all of it?
I don't know... my greatest thought on all of it is that somehow in our finite portion of life - it matters. And besides all of that He has commanded us in all these things. So I can either choose to obey and step out in faith and expect Him to lead me along just like He says He will - trusting His character, or I can sit back and do nothing and miss out on being a part of what He is doing.
Either way there will be suffering - that's what this life offers in the end ... but if I am willing to suffer along with Jesus - in whatever He may choose for me - I can experience His mercy, grace, and joy in all of that suffering. The latter sounds like a better plan to me.
As I have gone around and around on this, a theme has kept coming up - a friend put into just the right words for me ... we are spiritually lazy. We have not be doing our part - however meager it may be. We are called to pray, to persist, to have amazing faith, to not harden our hearts, to persevere in prayer, to sacrifice, to speak out the truth, to evangelize - the list could go on forever ... and we simply are not doing it enough. We are not stepping out in faith trusting that God will supply the things that we need in whatever He has called us to. In fact we are not even listening to the call. We are not putting ourselves before Him listening for our call to action. We are not willing to be fools for Him, we are not willing to sacrifice our time, sleep, tv, food, or whatever - to pray, pray and pray some more and then go and do the things He has called us to.
I have been reading a book - Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret. I just started reading it yesterday and already I am struck by his amazing faith. His total willingness to sacrifice, and sacrifice, and sacrifice for the Lord. He lived utterly on faith - it's almost ridiculous to read - I can hardly believe its true! He always expected the Lord to show up and do amazing things - and God did. I have never seen faith like this - I have never known anyone that has lived this kind of poured out life.
It makes me want to pray a lot more. It makes me want to give up more of my crap and be free from it. It makes me want to sacrifice time, food, pleasure - all of those things to see more of the Lord. It makes me want to have more faith - so God can do even more amazing things through me.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
give what you have
Here is a letter I wrote to a friend recently about my current state in my prayer life - I feel like it sums up where my head has been...
"I know what it is like to constantly be going back and forth, back and forth with the Lord. One day I am full of faith, the next i am full of doubt and I question God, His ways, and His love. It is very frustrating!
Lately, I have been praying for more faith, patience, and a steadfast spirit that will wait on Him in faith, not doubt, and remain constant in my belief and my action toward Him and others. All of my prayers lately on my own have felt very fruitless and chaotic - it is only when I have prayed together in my prayer group - or minutes before as I am preparing for the group that I can feel His presence and His words for me. I am not sure why that is, but I guess i should be grateful i am hearing Him at all.
These times of fog and waiting must be something the Lord wants for us - though I do not know the entire purpose - they must be here to grow our faith and faithfulness to Him. I don't like it, but I feel like I need to stop fighting it and instead submit to it... after all it seems to be what He desires for now. That is not to say i can't ask for His presence - or ask for Him to reveal any sin that may be blocking our fellowship ... but also to be happy and content to wait.
Last week before my prayer night i felt the Lord rebuke me for wanting to take from Him always - have more understanding, more power, more presence, more glory... do i want the glory for Him or myself? Why do I want to take so much - to fill myself up and make myself content - regardless of God and His glory? These are questions that need reflecting on... How and what do I have to give to the Lord except my mess and meager attempts to worship - and even that seems like it is born out of His grace ... in the end I just need to put myself at His mercy and wait."
Soon after this I was reading in Luke and was reading a familiar story that suddenly became wildly fresh to me:
One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!”
Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.”
“Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied.
Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver[i] to one and 50 pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?”
Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.”
“That’s right,” Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.
“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”
The men at the table said among themselves, “Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?”
And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
When the Lord rebuked me for wanting to take take take - I instantly knew He was right and though I know its true... I often do not know how to praise Him - what to give back. My words are lame and my thoughts scattered. As I read this - I knew the Lord was saying to me - give what you can! If you only have lame words - give those. If you only have tears - give those. If you only have confused and scattered thoughts - give those. This woman gave what she could - she had some perfume - a precious gift ... but also she gave tears, kisses, and a sacrifice of pride. She was willing to walk into a room filled with men who I bet she knew despised her and worship Jesus. She chose to look foolish before men - to be near her Lord. She chose to pour herself out in one of the most beautiful displays of worship ever recorded. She chose to be 'naked' and unashamed before Jesus. She just had to be near Him.
"I know what it is like to constantly be going back and forth, back and forth with the Lord. One day I am full of faith, the next i am full of doubt and I question God, His ways, and His love. It is very frustrating!
Lately, I have been praying for more faith, patience, and a steadfast spirit that will wait on Him in faith, not doubt, and remain constant in my belief and my action toward Him and others. All of my prayers lately on my own have felt very fruitless and chaotic - it is only when I have prayed together in my prayer group - or minutes before as I am preparing for the group that I can feel His presence and His words for me. I am not sure why that is, but I guess i should be grateful i am hearing Him at all.
These times of fog and waiting must be something the Lord wants for us - though I do not know the entire purpose - they must be here to grow our faith and faithfulness to Him. I don't like it, but I feel like I need to stop fighting it and instead submit to it... after all it seems to be what He desires for now. That is not to say i can't ask for His presence - or ask for Him to reveal any sin that may be blocking our fellowship ... but also to be happy and content to wait.
Last week before my prayer night i felt the Lord rebuke me for wanting to take from Him always - have more understanding, more power, more presence, more glory... do i want the glory for Him or myself? Why do I want to take so much - to fill myself up and make myself content - regardless of God and His glory? These are questions that need reflecting on... How and what do I have to give to the Lord except my mess and meager attempts to worship - and even that seems like it is born out of His grace ... in the end I just need to put myself at His mercy and wait."
Soon after this I was reading in Luke and was reading a familiar story that suddenly became wildly fresh to me:
One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!”
Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.”
“Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied.
Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver[i] to one and 50 pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?”
Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.”
“That’s right,” Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.
“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”
The men at the table said among themselves, “Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?”
And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
When the Lord rebuked me for wanting to take take take - I instantly knew He was right and though I know its true... I often do not know how to praise Him - what to give back. My words are lame and my thoughts scattered. As I read this - I knew the Lord was saying to me - give what you can! If you only have lame words - give those. If you only have tears - give those. If you only have confused and scattered thoughts - give those. This woman gave what she could - she had some perfume - a precious gift ... but also she gave tears, kisses, and a sacrifice of pride. She was willing to walk into a room filled with men who I bet she knew despised her and worship Jesus. She chose to look foolish before men - to be near her Lord. She chose to pour herself out in one of the most beautiful displays of worship ever recorded. She chose to be 'naked' and unashamed before Jesus. She just had to be near Him.
your faith has made you well
I am not sure where to begin. Life has been so ridiculous - so busy. I feel like this is the first moment that I can truly breathe. I have wanted to do some writing but have had not a free moment in the last couple of weeks. I have completed the prayer study I was leading at church, and finished an art project that was hanging over me, and my basement is at least at a place of toleration for the moment - and all of those things were just the most pressing - I still have piles of laundry backed up among many other household things that have been on hold... but that can all wait another day.
I guess the most pressing thing I have on my mind is this verse... Matthew 13: 53 - 58
When Jesus had finished telling these stories and illustrations, he left that part of the country. He returned to Nazareth, his hometown. When he taught there in the synagogue, everyone was amazed and said, "Where does he get this wisdom and the power to do miracles?" Then they scoffed, "He's just the carpenter's son, and we know Mary, his mother, and his brothers—James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas. All his sisters live right here among us. Where did he learn all these things?" And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.
Then Jesus told them, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family." And so he did only a few miracles there because of their unbelief.
What does that mean? Here are a bunch of other verses that talk about faith and healing/miracles.
18 Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” 19 And Jesus said to the man, “Stand up and go. Your faith has healed you.”
22 Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said, “Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well.” And the woman was healed at that moment.
42 And Jesus said, “All right, receive your sight! Your faith has healed you.”
28 They went right into the house where he was staying, and Jesus asked them, “Do you believe I can make you see?”
“Yes, Lord,” they told him, “we do.”
29 Then he touched their eyes and said, “Because of your faith, it will happen.”
13 Then Jesus said to the Roman officer, “Go back home. Because you believed, it has happened.” And the young servant was healed that same hour.
28 “Dear woman,” Jesus said to her, “your faith is great. Your request is granted.” And her daughter was instantly healed.
50 But when Jesus heard what had happened, he said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith, and she will be healed.”
I have read a book by Dutch Sheets, called Intercessory Prayer... its a good book... but I must say since writing it several years ago he seems to have fallen off the deep end and has been puffed up in the knowledge and gifts that God has given him. But that all aside for this one moment... in a couple of chapters he contends that God has set up the earth in such a way that He releases His power through us. That He might not work in some situations because there is not enough prayer or faith surrounding the situation. Because He has made us His representatives here and therefore desires to work and extend his power through us. He writes a more compelling argument than I have time to get into now - but I think I have the basic gist.
So as I have been reflecting on that - all of the verses that I listed above started popping into my head. I glazed past them for many years now - they are not something I have pondered much - or if discussing them in the past - they have been explained away with less than compelling answers. Now as I read them I am wondering... why didn't Jesus say things like "God's power has made you well", or "The power of God has been displayed in your midst" or something like that. No he put the ball in our court - saying that their faith in Him is what made them well ... but this seems to fly in the face of all the 'God is sovereign' arguments - that we play no part in salvation or sanctification. (before any reader gets too worried - I still believe God is sovereign!) I am just thinking out loud and wondering what it all means... and praying through it.
I have been wondering why in none of the churches I have ever attended have I seen a miracle - or really heard of any? Why have I seen so little power in people's lives to overcome sin? Why do so few people hear from the Lord? Why so few people get saved in our midst? Why is there so little true repentance when confronted with sin? Is there a spiritual oppression over the northeast? Are we steeped in fear? Are these kinds of things just not welcomed into non-charismatic environments? Or is our faith too small?
Where is God's power?
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
- 2 Tim: 1:7
I guess the most pressing thing I have on my mind is this verse... Matthew 13: 53 - 58
When Jesus had finished telling these stories and illustrations, he left that part of the country. He returned to Nazareth, his hometown. When he taught there in the synagogue, everyone was amazed and said, "Where does he get this wisdom and the power to do miracles?" Then they scoffed, "He's just the carpenter's son, and we know Mary, his mother, and his brothers—James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas. All his sisters live right here among us. Where did he learn all these things?" And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.
Then Jesus told them, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family." And so he did only a few miracles there because of their unbelief.
What does that mean? Here are a bunch of other verses that talk about faith and healing/miracles.
18 Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” 19 And Jesus said to the man, “Stand up and go. Your faith has healed you.”
22 Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said, “Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well.” And the woman was healed at that moment.
42 And Jesus said, “All right, receive your sight! Your faith has healed you.”
28 They went right into the house where he was staying, and Jesus asked them, “Do you believe I can make you see?”
“Yes, Lord,” they told him, “we do.”
29 Then he touched their eyes and said, “Because of your faith, it will happen.”
13 Then Jesus said to the Roman officer, “Go back home. Because you believed, it has happened.” And the young servant was healed that same hour.
28 “Dear woman,” Jesus said to her, “your faith is great. Your request is granted.” And her daughter was instantly healed.
50 But when Jesus heard what had happened, he said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith, and she will be healed.”
I have read a book by Dutch Sheets, called Intercessory Prayer... its a good book... but I must say since writing it several years ago he seems to have fallen off the deep end and has been puffed up in the knowledge and gifts that God has given him. But that all aside for this one moment... in a couple of chapters he contends that God has set up the earth in such a way that He releases His power through us. That He might not work in some situations because there is not enough prayer or faith surrounding the situation. Because He has made us His representatives here and therefore desires to work and extend his power through us. He writes a more compelling argument than I have time to get into now - but I think I have the basic gist.
So as I have been reflecting on that - all of the verses that I listed above started popping into my head. I glazed past them for many years now - they are not something I have pondered much - or if discussing them in the past - they have been explained away with less than compelling answers. Now as I read them I am wondering... why didn't Jesus say things like "God's power has made you well", or "The power of God has been displayed in your midst" or something like that. No he put the ball in our court - saying that their faith in Him is what made them well ... but this seems to fly in the face of all the 'God is sovereign' arguments - that we play no part in salvation or sanctification. (before any reader gets too worried - I still believe God is sovereign!) I am just thinking out loud and wondering what it all means... and praying through it.
I have been wondering why in none of the churches I have ever attended have I seen a miracle - or really heard of any? Why have I seen so little power in people's lives to overcome sin? Why do so few people hear from the Lord? Why so few people get saved in our midst? Why is there so little true repentance when confronted with sin? Is there a spiritual oppression over the northeast? Are we steeped in fear? Are these kinds of things just not welcomed into non-charismatic environments? Or is our faith too small?
Where is God's power?
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
- 2 Tim: 1:7
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