prepared?

I have been preparing for a study on prayer each week for the last 2 weeks and it will continue for 3 more.  This last week as I prepared and studied it was so difficult. It was hard to sit still - though I kept trying. It was hard to put thoughts together - though I kept trying. Because when you are preparing to lead something - you actually want to be prepared! Finally, I gave up ... and went that night to the study praying for God to speak and work through me - regardless of all my efforts - or lack of. And that finally felt like the right thing to do. As I began leading - I had no idea what to say or where to start... I had someone else pray to open things up and then looked down and asked the broadest question about the chapter I could come up with!... 'So what did you learn?...' And God showed up and was present and filled me with thoughts and words and our time together was amazing - at least I thought so!

So I am continually confused by your ways, Lord. It seems to me you wanted me to just trust that you would provide - but how was I to know that? Why do you always have to be so mysterious? Why can't you just plainly put things? I want to listen and I want to keep putting myself before you - I want to learn to hear your voice better than my own - please teach me - because clearly I am missing something.