Since the week I studied, The Prayer of Examen and The Prayer of Tears, from the prayer study I am running - the Lord has impressed upon me the desire to confess sin for my community.
From Foster's book, Prayer:
"What is the Prayer of Tears? It is being cut to the heart over our distance and offense to the goodness of God (acts 2:37). It is weeping over our sins and the sins of the world. It is entering into the liberating shocks of repentance. It is the intimate and ultimate awareness that sin cuts us off from the fullness of God's presence."
I read this and the Lord took my mind to Nehemiah 1, and Daniel 9, and Isaiah 6. When Isaiah stands before the Lord and sees His glory, He cries out "I am a man of unclean lips and I come from a people of unclean lips." He knew that he was contaminated not only by his own sin but also the sin of his people.
In Nehemiah, when he hears of the conditions in Jerusalem it says "I sat down and wept. In fact for days I mourned, fasted, and prayed to the God of heaven.... Listen to my prayer! Look down and see me praying night and day for Your people Israel. I confess that we have sinned against you. Yes, even my own family and I have sinned!" He put his whole guts - everything into mourning for His people - and included himself into the whole collective sin.
In Daniel 9, here is a portion of his prayer:
So I turned to the Lord God and pleaded with him in prayer and fasting. I also wore rough burlap and sprinkled myself with ashes.
I prayed to the LORD my God and confessed:
"O Lord, you are a great and awesome God! You always fulfill your covenant and keep your promises of unfailing love to those who love you and obey your commands. But we have sinned and done wrong. We have rebelled against you and scorned your commands and regulations. We have refused to listen to your servants the prophets, who spoke on your authority to our kings and princes and ancestors and to all the people of the land.
"Lord, you are in the right; but as you see, our faces are covered with shame. This is true of all of us, including the people of Judah and Jerusalem and all Israel, scattered near and far, wherever you have driven us because of our disloyalty to you. O LORD, we and our kings, princes, and ancestors are covered with shame because we have sinned against you. But the Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him. We have not obeyed the LORD our God, for we have not followed the instructions he gave us through his servants the prophets. All Israel has disobeyed your instruction and turned away, refusing to listen to your voice.
I am amazed by this - I think because of our overly individualistic society - I would never own anyone else's sin except my own - and maybe to a small degree my children (mostly because I see a reflection of my sin nature in them). How do I gain this much compassion for my people? And who are my people? My family? My church? My community? My country?
Yes - I think is the appropriate response to all of my questions of 'who are my people' - they all are my people. In all of this the Lord began directing me to pray for my church family. Confessing our sin - confessing our need for Him. Confessing our sin of mixing the Lord in with our own worldly pursuits, not loving Him with our whole hearts, not being open to His calling out to us, the sin of unbelief, and our pride to do things on our own.
I feel like this is just the beginning of some serious intercession on my church's behalf.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
helper
I am supposed to be writing a praise psalm for the prayer study I am leading. It is not working out so well for me. Hence the previous entry. I felt like I needed to get that stuff out if there was going to be any room in me for praise. It seems like lately those thoughts are all that is in me. Everything is foggy and confusing and clogged. I am trying to wait on the Lord, but I am not good at waiting.
When I try to think of things that are praise worthy - I know them to be true - but they don't make my heart beat faster right now - they are just words. I hate it when the Word falls flat in me - it doesn't feel like me... and I suppose it's not the real me. It makes me think of that line in a hymn - 'my heart is tuned to sing Your praise.' Except that the reverse feels true of me.
These are the thoughts I have so far - that I know to be true:
You are the Creator.
You are faithful.
You are higher and Your ways are higher.
That was yesterday -
Today the Lord was my helper. Last night I had a dream about snakes in my house, crawling behind my bed. I woke up and felt the Lord telling me that there was evil present in our home. I also woke up with my current neck/back pain even worse than it was the night before. As I began to pray I rebuked the evil in my room, I confessed my sin and the sins of my community, and prayed for healing. I believe the Lord answered all three of those prayers. I felt His presence - a warmth as He healed me - not all the way - but drastically better! And I felt as though He was really glad of my repentance. That He has been waiting for me to know I needed not only to repent for my own sins but for my church as well. Almost like He has been calling me to do it but I didn't understand. Perhaps some of the burden I have been feeling was not my own? I don't know its something to pray about more...
But finally my praise has come out as well - I felt light and fresh as I wrote this - I am not a great writer but I think the Lord is pleased!:
Awaken my heart to praise You, Father.
Blow through me Spirit, and breathe out words of praise for You.
You are the Creator, high and mighty above all things.
You spread out the heavens like a blanket at Your feet.
The sun is only a small reflection of Your glory,
the stars and moon only a reminder of Your radiance.
When I stop and I am quiet, I can see the beauty of Your hand at work around me.
I catch a glimpse of Your power in the wind, and Your loving embrace in the heat of the sun.
Lord God, How can Your name not be known in all the earth!?
You are weaving together all of time and fit each piece perfectly with the next.
Your thoughts are so far above me, so beyond me.
And yet You take time for me, and my small concerns.
Your care is amazing!
The colors, and light and the movement of the trees, sing a song out to You.
They speak of Your imagination, attention to detail, and Your gentleness.
Let me sing out with them Lord, teach my heart to praise You!
Let my whole soul burst out in joy!
When I try to think of things that are praise worthy - I know them to be true - but they don't make my heart beat faster right now - they are just words. I hate it when the Word falls flat in me - it doesn't feel like me... and I suppose it's not the real me. It makes me think of that line in a hymn - 'my heart is tuned to sing Your praise.' Except that the reverse feels true of me.
These are the thoughts I have so far - that I know to be true:
You are the Creator.
You are faithful.
You are higher and Your ways are higher.
That was yesterday -
Today the Lord was my helper. Last night I had a dream about snakes in my house, crawling behind my bed. I woke up and felt the Lord telling me that there was evil present in our home. I also woke up with my current neck/back pain even worse than it was the night before. As I began to pray I rebuked the evil in my room, I confessed my sin and the sins of my community, and prayed for healing. I believe the Lord answered all three of those prayers. I felt His presence - a warmth as He healed me - not all the way - but drastically better! And I felt as though He was really glad of my repentance. That He has been waiting for me to know I needed not only to repent for my own sins but for my church as well. Almost like He has been calling me to do it but I didn't understand. Perhaps some of the burden I have been feeling was not my own? I don't know its something to pray about more...
But finally my praise has come out as well - I felt light and fresh as I wrote this - I am not a great writer but I think the Lord is pleased!:
Awaken my heart to praise You, Father.
Blow through me Spirit, and breathe out words of praise for You.
You are the Creator, high and mighty above all things.
You spread out the heavens like a blanket at Your feet.
The sun is only a small reflection of Your glory,
the stars and moon only a reminder of Your radiance.
When I stop and I am quiet, I can see the beauty of Your hand at work around me.
I catch a glimpse of Your power in the wind, and Your loving embrace in the heat of the sun.
Lord God, How can Your name not be known in all the earth!?
You are weaving together all of time and fit each piece perfectly with the next.
Your thoughts are so far above me, so beyond me.
And yet You take time for me, and my small concerns.
Your care is amazing!
The colors, and light and the movement of the trees, sing a song out to You.
They speak of Your imagination, attention to detail, and Your gentleness.
Let me sing out with them Lord, teach my heart to praise You!
Let my whole soul burst out in joy!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
teach me
I am trying to praise you. The words do not come to me.
I want more than anything to praise you and have the words just flow out of me like breath.
I have been trapped in a fog and each way I turn it seems to get worse.
I want my faith to grow. I want to believe and not doubt.
I want to know you are near even when I can't feel Your presence.
I want to believe that You are good even when my heart feels terrible.
Where does the praise come from - if not from me?
The whole earth will sing Your praise - help my heart to join in!
Then the stones can stay silent - they won't be needed.
I stand at the edge of the cliff crying out to You. You do not come.
I am awful at waiting. But I know I should wait.
You are the only One with eternal words - no one else speaks life.
There is a darkness. And I can not see.
You give light for only a step at a time.
Help me to be content with even the smallest spark.
Your voice is unclear as if I am hearing you through a great distance.
Oh, how I wish I could hear You clearly.
I pray I may know Your voice better than my own.
I desire my whole life to bring You praise.
My every thought, my every word, my every movement.
Teach me to praise You, even when the words do not come on my own.
I want more than anything to praise you and have the words just flow out of me like breath.
I have been trapped in a fog and each way I turn it seems to get worse.
I want my faith to grow. I want to believe and not doubt.
I want to know you are near even when I can't feel Your presence.
I want to believe that You are good even when my heart feels terrible.
Where does the praise come from - if not from me?
The whole earth will sing Your praise - help my heart to join in!
Then the stones can stay silent - they won't be needed.
I stand at the edge of the cliff crying out to You. You do not come.
I am awful at waiting. But I know I should wait.
You are the only One with eternal words - no one else speaks life.
There is a darkness. And I can not see.
You give light for only a step at a time.
Help me to be content with even the smallest spark.
Your voice is unclear as if I am hearing you through a great distance.
Oh, how I wish I could hear You clearly.
I pray I may know Your voice better than my own.
I desire my whole life to bring You praise.
My every thought, my every word, my every movement.
Teach me to praise You, even when the words do not come on my own.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
prepared?
I have been preparing for a study on prayer each week for the last 2 weeks and it will continue for 3 more. This last week as I prepared and studied it was so difficult. It was hard to sit still - though I kept trying. It was hard to put thoughts together - though I kept trying. Because when you are preparing to lead something - you actually want to be prepared! Finally, I gave up ... and went that night to the study praying for God to speak and work through me - regardless of all my efforts - or lack of. And that finally felt like the right thing to do. As I began leading - I had no idea what to say or where to start... I had someone else pray to open things up and then looked down and asked the broadest question about the chapter I could come up with!... 'So what did you learn?...' And God showed up and was present and filled me with thoughts and words and our time together was amazing - at least I thought so!
So I am continually confused by your ways, Lord. It seems to me you wanted me to just trust that you would provide - but how was I to know that? Why do you always have to be so mysterious? Why can't you just plainly put things? I want to listen and I want to keep putting myself before you - I want to learn to hear your voice better than my own - please teach me - because clearly I am missing something.
So I am continually confused by your ways, Lord. It seems to me you wanted me to just trust that you would provide - but how was I to know that? Why do you always have to be so mysterious? Why can't you just plainly put things? I want to listen and I want to keep putting myself before you - I want to learn to hear your voice better than my own - please teach me - because clearly I am missing something.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Jesus
I am struggling this morning. Prayer time was awful - no - worse than awful. I couldn't put 2 coherent thoughts together. I ended just saying Jesus' name over and over for an hour. Begging for clarity, begging for help.
I just read over the last couple of entries in my blog and am in awe that God has brought some clarity and direction in the last couple of months and that He allowed me to actually hear it. The rest of the time I feel like I am floundering around in the dark trying to find a door out of the darkness and into light.
Why do I ache so much? What is it? What is it for? What are you trying to teach me? And if that is where I can find You - how can I stay open to so much pain?
This verse kept coming to mind... I will meditate on it.
Luke 22: 39- 46
Then, accompanied by the disciples, Jesus left the upstairs room and went as usual to the Mount of Olives. There he told them, "Pray that you will not give in to temptation."
He walked away, about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him. He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.
At last he stood up again and returned to the disciples, only to find them asleep, exhausted from grief. "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation."
I just read over the last couple of entries in my blog and am in awe that God has brought some clarity and direction in the last couple of months and that He allowed me to actually hear it. The rest of the time I feel like I am floundering around in the dark trying to find a door out of the darkness and into light.
Why do I ache so much? What is it? What is it for? What are you trying to teach me? And if that is where I can find You - how can I stay open to so much pain?
This verse kept coming to mind... I will meditate on it.
Luke 22: 39- 46
Then, accompanied by the disciples, Jesus left the upstairs room and went as usual to the Mount of Olives. There he told them, "Pray that you will not give in to temptation."
He walked away, about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him. He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.
At last he stood up again and returned to the disciples, only to find them asleep, exhausted from grief. "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation."
Saturday, October 8, 2011
helpless
I have been thinking about prayer a lot lately. I am leading a study on it at church. The thinking about prayer is way better than the leading I would have to say - I much prefer one on one to large groups. But alas I am trying to go where the Lord leads... and at the very least I will learn some humility in the leading. Ugg - lots of people make me nervous.
Anyway - back to the thoughts... The first study was on simple prayer - or child like prayer. Where you toss aside all your masks, your thoughts about how it should or should not be done - and essentially just start asking God for any and everything that comes to mind - like a child does. Don't worry about motives, don't worry about the right words, don't worry about the right things - just ask.
It has been so refreshing. I thought I was being honest with God before - and I think I was to a point... but there were things I held back from God - didn't bother to pray for - because I thought 'why bother Him - I can take care of that.' Well - good heavens! - I am not supposed to take care of anything without the Lord's help. I am supposed to be totally helpless and weak before Him - so that He can make me strong in Him. So that His light is the one that shines through - not mine - I have no light to offer except that which is reflected.
Learning again about my helplessness is freeing. Now all that is expected - though it always was - but now I am more aware... is for me to rest in faith for the Lord to do His work in me. Listen and try to follow. I have to put everything at the foot of the cross - dump all my crap there and let Him make sense of it. He can and does care about all of it. Unlike I, when my kids ask a thousand times for something - I get irritated and angry, but the Lord wants us to come near, wants us to know just how much we need Him in all the minutia of life.
So I have started asking for a lot more ... and just maybe I will get it if I keep asking!
Matthew 6: 7-11
Anyway - back to the thoughts... The first study was on simple prayer - or child like prayer. Where you toss aside all your masks, your thoughts about how it should or should not be done - and essentially just start asking God for any and everything that comes to mind - like a child does. Don't worry about motives, don't worry about the right words, don't worry about the right things - just ask.
It has been so refreshing. I thought I was being honest with God before - and I think I was to a point... but there were things I held back from God - didn't bother to pray for - because I thought 'why bother Him - I can take care of that.' Well - good heavens! - I am not supposed to take care of anything without the Lord's help. I am supposed to be totally helpless and weak before Him - so that He can make me strong in Him. So that His light is the one that shines through - not mine - I have no light to offer except that which is reflected.
Learning again about my helplessness is freeing. Now all that is expected - though it always was - but now I am more aware... is for me to rest in faith for the Lord to do His work in me. Listen and try to follow. I have to put everything at the foot of the cross - dump all my crap there and let Him make sense of it. He can and does care about all of it. Unlike I, when my kids ask a thousand times for something - I get irritated and angry, but the Lord wants us to come near, wants us to know just how much we need Him in all the minutia of life.
So I have started asking for a lot more ... and just maybe I will get it if I keep asking!
Matthew 6: 7-11
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