fight

I have been uncommitted to putting myself before God lately. This morning at church I was wondering why that is. Our pastor was talking about Elijah and how up on Mt. Carmel God showed up big to defeat the priests of Baal. But also how right after that, Elijah ran away in fear from Jezebel who threatened to kill him. How unfaithful Elijah was - so untrusting of what He had just experienced. But that is in me too - just looking through my blog - I can see the almost daily ups and downs of my mood, fears, and unbelief.

I feel like Elijah. I am soooo not steadfast, so afraid, so tired. And no one has threatened me with death. My fear is that I will keep putting myself before the Lord and that He will not show up. But it is a lie. He has shown up, and He has promised to reward those who seek Him. So why am I so afraid? There is only more of Him to know...

I am tired. It is indeed true, I am tired. But also I should not be trying to reach to the Lord in my own strength. I can only give Him what He has given me to give.

I have been listening to this song a friend gave me - its from Rend Collective Experiment, Organic Family Hymnal, song called Movements: and the words to the chorus go:

I'm running fast and free to You
Cause You are the movement and fight in me
I'm running fast and free to You
Cause You are my home...where I want to be...come move in me

I like that they say the movement and fight in them is the Lord...Knowing where I fit into the whole thing is hard to figure out. I have to put myself before the Lord but He has to put the desire there to seek Him, but then I have to be obedient to the call but then He has to give me the will and power to be obedient. I could play this game all day but in the end its all God and yet somehow I fit into it too.

So I am back to praying for more fight in me, more faith, a sense that You are there even when I can't feel You...
Lord, I pray You make the movement and fight in me stronger. I want to find my contentment in You and You alone. I want to want You more. I want to be lost in You. I want all things in comparison to You seem like not a big deal. I want to shine out for You, I want to know You, serve You, love You more. I want You to be my home.