always

I am struggling today. PMS is definitely a factor. I realized today that when I am deep in the throws of PMS my introversion becomes more pronounced and I want even more quiet, even more escape, less talking, less touch, less people. That is hard to get when you have a family who needs you.

Today I screwed up many things. I got the time wrong for an appointment with a friend - and missed seeing her. Got lost leaving her place to run errands. Then the errands went poorly. Arrived home starving and to a house that looks like a bomb hit it. There is dirt and mud everywhere. Noise from hammers, jack hammers, a radio, a backhoe and 3 men attempting to solve all our foundation woes. Every time I look at the mess all I see is dollar signs and know we don't have the money for any of this - not even close. And then I feel my husbands stress about it all.

In my good moments - I know the Lord will take care of all of it. I have faith and see that He has a hand in it. I can see that we could have never sold this house in the future without this work being done. I see that we will have a dry and clean basement for the first time ever - in the near future when the work is finally done. And I can see how the Lord will bring us all the money we need to make it all fit back together again. He has already given us half of it through FEMA.

But the noise and the dirt and the problems are getting to me. It's the in between time that is hard. I won't have to wait 400 years for my rescue here but the Israelites did. Sometimes I wonder how they had any faith left.

As I was driving around today (some of the time I was not lost!), I felt like God was asking me to move into my ache again. Open up to my longing for Him, feel my hunger, feel the pain and the stress. I was listening to that song again 'Movements' by Rend Collective Experiment...I think I listened to it 15 or more times in the car today...here are the lyrics:

I wanna soar with You
Upon wings like eagles
But I'll crawl with You too
When the dark and lonely questions come

I wanna stand true
No matter what's new or comes through
I can’t stand still
Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You

I'm running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me
I'm running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be
Come move in me
Where I wanna be, come move in me

I wanna float with you
The currents driving me
But I'll paddle hard too 
When the waves and rapids overcome 

I wanna stand firm
When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm
I must stand true
Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You

I won't walk away, won't walk away

'But I will crawl with You too, when the dark and lonely questions come''I can't stand still whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You' 'I wanna stand firm when my mind is weak and my emotions squirm' - This is totally how I am feeling right now. In all of my thoughts today I remembered about Luther. How when He was in the monastery, He struggled day and night, he confessed sin constantly, how he ached to understand, how he was driven to wrap his brain around God's grace. I have no idea how long that process took - I would have to look it up. But I feel driven like that - consumed and restless, wondering how to stay open to the Lord - always and keep my heart worshipping - always, my face turned toward Him and arms open wide - always.

I feel a little misunderstood by some. It is a journey - my journey. Perhaps this is where God wants me. In the middle of a mess - learning to trust even though it hurts and its hard. I haven't learned yet to welcome pain and trials and consider it all joy - I still want to hide instead. But I know that won't get me more of Jesus. So I fight on - and keep moving toward Him. Its not always pretty, I don't always say it the right way, sometimes I am filled with doubt, sometimes I am filled with faith. But I know this ache is here for a reason.

'But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for He who comes to God must believe that He exists, and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.' Hebrews 11:6