ache

I was chatting with a friend last night, and she said that it felt like I was demanding of God. I agreed with her. I have been demanding. But then I also said I know that it doesn't work - just because I want something doesn't mean I am going to get it, He has shown me that. I still do it anyway at times... Yet in my pursuit of trying to practice the Lord's presence I am trying so hard to understand what and where I am going and doing - what is my role in the drawing near? What are You trying to show me - where are You leading?

I am learning to 'let' God work in me. I have to learn how to 'let' or learn the 'letting' process - or whatever...There is a learning curve I think for sure. She pushed back against me 'trying' to do anything - that felt like more demanding to her - which I can totally see. As I tried to explain it to her I realized what is driving me so strongly to want to know and try and push and pursue...I ache.

The ache is so strong, so deep, so consuming.

Last summer and my experiences with the Lord have left me with a deep wanting. I know what it can be like, I have seen, heard, felt the Lord - walked with Him. We were so close, so intimate. And now that I am without His constant presence I ache for Him.

I asked my friend if she thought that perhaps the Lord has given me this ache - so that I will pursue this journey...she thought maybe yes.

Last night, as I was falling asleep I let myself feel the ache. I took down my barriers to it. I had been avoiding it for quite some time. It hurt to feel it. Like a pain I can barely describe... but as I let myself feel the ache - He was there too. And He said 'I am here - in the ache.'

The place I was avoiding and running from was the very place I could find the Lord. I have been letting myself feel the ache and the Lord all day now - it hurts but the Lord is present. It's worth it.