I have been thinking a lot about heaven and sharing the sufferings of Christ.
I don't live like I am going someplace amazing to be with Jesus when this life is all over. I live like this is it. All my time and energy are focused on making me happy. I don't even think about heaven that much. And I think it's supposed to motivate me and all believers. All the people in Hebrews chapter 11 - lived for a promise that most never got to see. Abraham and Sarah didn't see a nation with more descendants than the stars - they had one son. Yet he trusted God's promise enough to even kill his son - believing that God would resurrect him. Moses took all those whining horrible people away from slavery and to the Promised Land but never got to step foot in it. 'They placed their hope in the resurrection to a better life' it says in Heb 11:35. They had some of God's promise but not the fullness.
All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised. For God had something better in mind for us, so that they would not reach perfection without us.
Hebrews 11:39-40
What would I be like, and what could I do for Jesus and His kingdom if I counted all things as loss in light of knowing Him? If I was willing to suffer anything to see God's Kingdom come?
I can't imagine a life like that yet...but He has me wondering...
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
need
I was talking with a friend today who struggles with depression. I struggle with it too but on a much smaller scale now than I used to. She was frozen in fear. She had taken her eyes off the Lord and had them trained on her fear. She was focused on how things used to be - when she was stuck in depression - and not wanting to go back there. I know what that is like. I struggle with the same kind of thing - having my eyes focused on the thing I fear rather than the One who has overcome it.
But I am also afraid of what the Lord will do and how He will direct -will it be hard? Will I have to give something up? Will I have to work at it? I am also afraid of those new and hard things because I am trying desperately to hang onto what I think is good and good for me.... Perhaps God has something even better up ahead - If I can just trust Him for a minute.
As I was praying this morning - I felt connected. I felt focused because I was asking the Lord what He wanted. He said He wanted me to recognize my need for Him. I needed to turn my eyes to Him and know that I can't do anything of worth without Him. I told my friend that she needed to fight to put herself before the Lord, and believe that He is in the middle of even the darkest places inside of us waiting for us to admit our need, and ask for help. And to believe that He loves us enough to help.
Pslam 139 - Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to heaven you are there...if I make my bed in the depths You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn or settle on the far side of the sea - even there Your hand will guide me - Your right hand will hold me fast. Even in the darkness I cannot hide from You - because darkness is like light to You - to You the night shines as bright as day.
But I am also afraid of what the Lord will do and how He will direct -will it be hard? Will I have to give something up? Will I have to work at it? I am also afraid of those new and hard things because I am trying desperately to hang onto what I think is good and good for me.... Perhaps God has something even better up ahead - If I can just trust Him for a minute.
As I was praying this morning - I felt connected. I felt focused because I was asking the Lord what He wanted. He said He wanted me to recognize my need for Him. I needed to turn my eyes to Him and know that I can't do anything of worth without Him. I told my friend that she needed to fight to put herself before the Lord, and believe that He is in the middle of even the darkest places inside of us waiting for us to admit our need, and ask for help. And to believe that He loves us enough to help.
Pslam 139 - Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to heaven you are there...if I make my bed in the depths You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn or settle on the far side of the sea - even there Your hand will guide me - Your right hand will hold me fast. Even in the darkness I cannot hide from You - because darkness is like light to You - to You the night shines as bright as day.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
pain free
It's amazing to me how much we (as in all people - perhaps mostly Americans I am not entirely sure) want to run away from the things that are hard, difficult, simply don't like, or are painful. I mean I will do almost anything to avoid things I don't like. And my kids will run from me if I have to perform any procedure whether it be for their good or not. My daughter and eye drops comes to mind - my husband has to pin her to the floor so I can put one tiny drop in each eye and you would think the world is ending. But I am no different. I am running kicking and screaming from all sorts of things the Lord wants of me. I do not want to give up my addiction to food - I still want to be able to comfort myself with just the right flavor when I want to. I still want to drown out all thought in front of the TV when I am having a bad day. And if I am doing well in avoiding those areas - then I will be really spiritual and find a novel to get lost in (reading is at least a good thing). Why is running to the Lord my last choice always? Why at times does He seem so uncomforting?
I know one thing right off the top - its the timing. He doesn't always fix it now. I know I have droned on about that subject before. Another is that I might have to work at something - I might have to go hunting in scripture or talk with someone - that ties into the 'wanting it now' factor somewhat too. Another thing - I may get confronted with sin - the last thing I want when seeking comfort. The basic gist is then (in my mind )that God somehow equals more pain ...or... I don't understand at all what comfort is...I am fully ready to admit that the latter is quite possibly true.
The other thing I have been thinking is that perhaps life here in time and on earth are not supposed to be pain free. That pain is here to teach us if we will listen. That I will be able to understand the sufferings of Christ if I am willing to enter in - and that is what life is for. How else will we be able to count any trial as joy and appear different to the world if we are not handling our pain and suffering with an openness like Job. Faith would be easy without pain and longing and blindness.
I must confess I wouldn't mind if it were easier. But if I want more of Jesus - then I must be ready to accept all His gifts with all His discipline and trials too.
Which puts me right back to praying for more faith.
I know one thing right off the top - its the timing. He doesn't always fix it now. I know I have droned on about that subject before. Another is that I might have to work at something - I might have to go hunting in scripture or talk with someone - that ties into the 'wanting it now' factor somewhat too. Another thing - I may get confronted with sin - the last thing I want when seeking comfort. The basic gist is then (in my mind )that God somehow equals more pain ...or... I don't understand at all what comfort is...I am fully ready to admit that the latter is quite possibly true.
The other thing I have been thinking is that perhaps life here in time and on earth are not supposed to be pain free. That pain is here to teach us if we will listen. That I will be able to understand the sufferings of Christ if I am willing to enter in - and that is what life is for. How else will we be able to count any trial as joy and appear different to the world if we are not handling our pain and suffering with an openness like Job. Faith would be easy without pain and longing and blindness.
I must confess I wouldn't mind if it were easier. But if I want more of Jesus - then I must be ready to accept all His gifts with all His discipline and trials too.
Which puts me right back to praying for more faith.
Friday, September 23, 2011
verses
I have had a ton of verses rolling around in my head the past few days - I am wondering how they all fit together and what the Lord is telling me.
James 1:2-4
Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
Job 2:10b
Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?
2Peter 3:14b
While you are waiting for things to happen, make every effort to live a pure and blameless life. And be at peace with God.
Proverbs 16:9, 20:24
We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.
How can we understand the road we travel? It is the Lord who directs our steps.
Hebrews 11:6
Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek Him.
John 6:26-29
...spend your energy seeking the eternal life that I, the Son of Man, can give you...'What does God want us to do?' Jesus - 'Believe in the One He has sent'.
Hebrews 4:2-11
...for only those who believe can enter His place of rest...for all who enter God's rest will find rest from their labors...let us do our best to enter that place of rest. For anyone who disobeys God...will fall.
These are just a few of the verses - there are so many more. But here is what I have so far - its not rocket science - its all stuff I know - but its always good to be reminded in the midst of tough things. It's not even that circumstances are that rough - they are difficult, but it's more twisted up on my inside.
Accept the trial - welcome it from the Lord. Wait on the Lord to direct but while you wait do what what you already know is right and good. Keep seeking, keep pressing in - there are good things ahead. Let your faith grow, stay open and rest will come.
I think I am going to study God's faithfulness and practice being thankful.
James 1:2-4
Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
Job 2:10b
Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?
2Peter 3:14b
While you are waiting for things to happen, make every effort to live a pure and blameless life. And be at peace with God.
Proverbs 16:9, 20:24
We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.
How can we understand the road we travel? It is the Lord who directs our steps.
Hebrews 11:6
Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek Him.
John 6:26-29
...spend your energy seeking the eternal life that I, the Son of Man, can give you...'What does God want us to do?' Jesus - 'Believe in the One He has sent'.
Hebrews 4:2-11
...for only those who believe can enter His place of rest...for all who enter God's rest will find rest from their labors...let us do our best to enter that place of rest. For anyone who disobeys God...will fall.
These are just a few of the verses - there are so many more. But here is what I have so far - its not rocket science - its all stuff I know - but its always good to be reminded in the midst of tough things. It's not even that circumstances are that rough - they are difficult, but it's more twisted up on my inside.
Accept the trial - welcome it from the Lord. Wait on the Lord to direct but while you wait do what what you already know is right and good. Keep seeking, keep pressing in - there are good things ahead. Let your faith grow, stay open and rest will come.
I think I am going to study God's faithfulness and practice being thankful.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
always
I am struggling today. PMS is definitely a factor. I realized today that when I am deep in the throws of PMS my introversion becomes more pronounced and I want even more quiet, even more escape, less talking, less touch, less people. That is hard to get when you have a family who needs you.
Today I screwed up many things. I got the time wrong for an appointment with a friend - and missed seeing her. Got lost leaving her place to run errands. Then the errands went poorly. Arrived home starving and to a house that looks like a bomb hit it. There is dirt and mud everywhere. Noise from hammers, jack hammers, a radio, a backhoe and 3 men attempting to solve all our foundation woes. Every time I look at the mess all I see is dollar signs and know we don't have the money for any of this - not even close. And then I feel my husbands stress about it all.
In my good moments - I know the Lord will take care of all of it. I have faith and see that He has a hand in it. I can see that we could have never sold this house in the future without this work being done. I see that we will have a dry and clean basement for the first time ever - in the near future when the work is finally done. And I can see how the Lord will bring us all the money we need to make it all fit back together again. He has already given us half of it through FEMA.
But the noise and the dirt and the problems are getting to me. It's the in between time that is hard. I won't have to wait 400 years for my rescue here but the Israelites did. Sometimes I wonder how they had any faith left.
As I was driving around today (some of the time I was not lost!), I felt like God was asking me to move into my ache again. Open up to my longing for Him, feel my hunger, feel the pain and the stress. I was listening to that song again 'Movements' by Rend Collective Experiment...I think I listened to it 15 or more times in the car today...here are the lyrics:
I wanna soar with You
Upon wings like eagles
But I'll crawl with You too
When the dark and lonely questions come
I wanna stand true
No matter what's new or comes through
I can’t stand still
Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You
I'm running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me
I'm running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be
Come move in me
Where I wanna be, come move in me
I wanna float with you
The currents driving me
But I'll paddle hard too
When the waves and rapids overcome
I wanna stand firm
When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm
I must stand true
Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You
I won't walk away, won't walk away
'But I will crawl with You too, when the dark and lonely questions come''I can't stand still whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You' 'I wanna stand firm when my mind is weak and my emotions squirm' - This is totally how I am feeling right now. In all of my thoughts today I remembered about Luther. How when He was in the monastery, He struggled day and night, he confessed sin constantly, how he ached to understand, how he was driven to wrap his brain around God's grace. I have no idea how long that process took - I would have to look it up. But I feel driven like that - consumed and restless, wondering how to stay open to the Lord - always and keep my heart worshipping - always, my face turned toward Him and arms open wide - always.
I feel a little misunderstood by some. It is a journey - my journey. Perhaps this is where God wants me. In the middle of a mess - learning to trust even though it hurts and its hard. I haven't learned yet to welcome pain and trials and consider it all joy - I still want to hide instead. But I know that won't get me more of Jesus. So I fight on - and keep moving toward Him. Its not always pretty, I don't always say it the right way, sometimes I am filled with doubt, sometimes I am filled with faith. But I know this ache is here for a reason.
'But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for He who comes to God must believe that He exists, and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.' Hebrews 11:6
Today I screwed up many things. I got the time wrong for an appointment with a friend - and missed seeing her. Got lost leaving her place to run errands. Then the errands went poorly. Arrived home starving and to a house that looks like a bomb hit it. There is dirt and mud everywhere. Noise from hammers, jack hammers, a radio, a backhoe and 3 men attempting to solve all our foundation woes. Every time I look at the mess all I see is dollar signs and know we don't have the money for any of this - not even close. And then I feel my husbands stress about it all.
In my good moments - I know the Lord will take care of all of it. I have faith and see that He has a hand in it. I can see that we could have never sold this house in the future without this work being done. I see that we will have a dry and clean basement for the first time ever - in the near future when the work is finally done. And I can see how the Lord will bring us all the money we need to make it all fit back together again. He has already given us half of it through FEMA.
But the noise and the dirt and the problems are getting to me. It's the in between time that is hard. I won't have to wait 400 years for my rescue here but the Israelites did. Sometimes I wonder how they had any faith left.
As I was driving around today (some of the time I was not lost!), I felt like God was asking me to move into my ache again. Open up to my longing for Him, feel my hunger, feel the pain and the stress. I was listening to that song again 'Movements' by Rend Collective Experiment...I think I listened to it 15 or more times in the car today...here are the lyrics:
I wanna soar with You
Upon wings like eagles
But I'll crawl with You too
When the dark and lonely questions come
I wanna stand true
No matter what's new or comes through
I can’t stand still
Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You
I'm running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me
I'm running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be
Come move in me
Where I wanna be, come move in me
I wanna float with you
The currents driving me
But I'll paddle hard too
When the waves and rapids overcome
I wanna stand firm
When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm
I must stand true
Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You
I won't walk away, won't walk away
'But I will crawl with You too, when the dark and lonely questions come''I can't stand still whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You' 'I wanna stand firm when my mind is weak and my emotions squirm' - This is totally how I am feeling right now. In all of my thoughts today I remembered about Luther. How when He was in the monastery, He struggled day and night, he confessed sin constantly, how he ached to understand, how he was driven to wrap his brain around God's grace. I have no idea how long that process took - I would have to look it up. But I feel driven like that - consumed and restless, wondering how to stay open to the Lord - always and keep my heart worshipping - always, my face turned toward Him and arms open wide - always.
I feel a little misunderstood by some. It is a journey - my journey. Perhaps this is where God wants me. In the middle of a mess - learning to trust even though it hurts and its hard. I haven't learned yet to welcome pain and trials and consider it all joy - I still want to hide instead. But I know that won't get me more of Jesus. So I fight on - and keep moving toward Him. Its not always pretty, I don't always say it the right way, sometimes I am filled with doubt, sometimes I am filled with faith. But I know this ache is here for a reason.
'But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for He who comes to God must believe that He exists, and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.' Hebrews 11:6
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
ache
I was chatting with a friend last night, and she said that it felt like I was demanding of God. I agreed with her. I have been demanding. But then I also said I know that it doesn't work - just because I want something doesn't mean I am going to get it, He has shown me that. I still do it anyway at times... Yet in my pursuit of trying to practice the Lord's presence I am trying so hard to understand what and where I am going and doing - what is my role in the drawing near? What are You trying to show me - where are You leading?
I am learning to 'let' God work in me. I have to learn how to 'let' or learn the 'letting' process - or whatever...There is a learning curve I think for sure. She pushed back against me 'trying' to do anything - that felt like more demanding to her - which I can totally see. As I tried to explain it to her I realized what is driving me so strongly to want to know and try and push and pursue...I ache.
The ache is so strong, so deep, so consuming.
Last summer and my experiences with the Lord have left me with a deep wanting. I know what it can be like, I have seen, heard, felt the Lord - walked with Him. We were so close, so intimate. And now that I am without His constant presence I ache for Him.
I asked my friend if she thought that perhaps the Lord has given me this ache - so that I will pursue this journey...she thought maybe yes.
Last night, as I was falling asleep I let myself feel the ache. I took down my barriers to it. I had been avoiding it for quite some time. It hurt to feel it. Like a pain I can barely describe... but as I let myself feel the ache - He was there too. And He said 'I am here - in the ache.'
The place I was avoiding and running from was the very place I could find the Lord. I have been letting myself feel the ache and the Lord all day now - it hurts but the Lord is present. It's worth it.
I am learning to 'let' God work in me. I have to learn how to 'let' or learn the 'letting' process - or whatever...There is a learning curve I think for sure. She pushed back against me 'trying' to do anything - that felt like more demanding to her - which I can totally see. As I tried to explain it to her I realized what is driving me so strongly to want to know and try and push and pursue...I ache.
The ache is so strong, so deep, so consuming.
Last summer and my experiences with the Lord have left me with a deep wanting. I know what it can be like, I have seen, heard, felt the Lord - walked with Him. We were so close, so intimate. And now that I am without His constant presence I ache for Him.
I asked my friend if she thought that perhaps the Lord has given me this ache - so that I will pursue this journey...she thought maybe yes.
Last night, as I was falling asleep I let myself feel the ache. I took down my barriers to it. I had been avoiding it for quite some time. It hurt to feel it. Like a pain I can barely describe... but as I let myself feel the ache - He was there too. And He said 'I am here - in the ache.'
The place I was avoiding and running from was the very place I could find the Lord. I have been letting myself feel the ache and the Lord all day now - it hurts but the Lord is present. It's worth it.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
fog
I am not sure what's going on with me today. I woke up anxious but I am unsure if it was a prayer burden or some of my own fear, I prayed for all of the above. My life is a bit of a mess right now. Everything feels so foggy and uncertain. Even the things I thought were certain feel foggy.
God, I really wish You were a bit easier to know, and feel. There are so many moments when I wish You would just makes things clear. I feel like there is a room in You that I am not allowed in yet. As I have read some of the old contemplatives - they all spoke of You in that way too...going deeper into a castle, drawing near to holy of holies, or being drawn deeper in a spiral of stages. I am longing to know You better but lately there is very little peace. I feel tired and numb.
This verse is from my facebook post this day last year. I am here and waiting Lord, help me to wait with patience.
So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion. He is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait on His help. Is 30:18
God, I really wish You were a bit easier to know, and feel. There are so many moments when I wish You would just makes things clear. I feel like there is a room in You that I am not allowed in yet. As I have read some of the old contemplatives - they all spoke of You in that way too...going deeper into a castle, drawing near to holy of holies, or being drawn deeper in a spiral of stages. I am longing to know You better but lately there is very little peace. I feel tired and numb.
This verse is from my facebook post this day last year. I am here and waiting Lord, help me to wait with patience.
So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion. He is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait on His help. Is 30:18
Sunday, September 11, 2011
fight
I have been uncommitted to putting myself before God lately. This morning at church I was wondering why that is. Our pastor was talking about Elijah and how up on Mt. Carmel God showed up big to defeat the priests of Baal. But also how right after that, Elijah ran away in fear from Jezebel who threatened to kill him. How unfaithful Elijah was - so untrusting of what He had just experienced. But that is in me too - just looking through my blog - I can see the almost daily ups and downs of my mood, fears, and unbelief.
I feel like Elijah. I am soooo not steadfast, so afraid, so tired. And no one has threatened me with death. My fear is that I will keep putting myself before the Lord and that He will not show up. But it is a lie. He has shown up, and He has promised to reward those who seek Him. So why am I so afraid? There is only more of Him to know...
I am tired. It is indeed true, I am tired. But also I should not be trying to reach to the Lord in my own strength. I can only give Him what He has given me to give.
I have been listening to this song a friend gave me - its from Rend Collective Experiment, Organic Family Hymnal, song called Movements: and the words to the chorus go:
I'm running fast and free to You
Cause You are the movement and fight in me
I'm running fast and free to You
Cause You are my home...where I want to be...come move in me
I like that they say the movement and fight in them is the Lord...Knowing where I fit into the whole thing is hard to figure out. I have to put myself before the Lord but He has to put the desire there to seek Him, but then I have to be obedient to the call but then He has to give me the will and power to be obedient. I could play this game all day but in the end its all God and yet somehow I fit into it too.
So I am back to praying for more fight in me, more faith, a sense that You are there even when I can't feel You...
Lord, I pray You make the movement and fight in me stronger. I want to find my contentment in You and You alone. I want to want You more. I want to be lost in You. I want all things in comparison to You seem like not a big deal. I want to shine out for You, I want to know You, serve You, love You more. I want You to be my home.
I feel like Elijah. I am soooo not steadfast, so afraid, so tired. And no one has threatened me with death. My fear is that I will keep putting myself before the Lord and that He will not show up. But it is a lie. He has shown up, and He has promised to reward those who seek Him. So why am I so afraid? There is only more of Him to know...
I am tired. It is indeed true, I am tired. But also I should not be trying to reach to the Lord in my own strength. I can only give Him what He has given me to give.
I have been listening to this song a friend gave me - its from Rend Collective Experiment, Organic Family Hymnal, song called Movements: and the words to the chorus go:
I'm running fast and free to You
Cause You are the movement and fight in me
I'm running fast and free to You
Cause You are my home...where I want to be...come move in me
I like that they say the movement and fight in them is the Lord...Knowing where I fit into the whole thing is hard to figure out. I have to put myself before the Lord but He has to put the desire there to seek Him, but then I have to be obedient to the call but then He has to give me the will and power to be obedient. I could play this game all day but in the end its all God and yet somehow I fit into it too.
So I am back to praying for more fight in me, more faith, a sense that You are there even when I can't feel You...
Lord, I pray You make the movement and fight in me stronger. I want to find my contentment in You and You alone. I want to want You more. I want to be lost in You. I want all things in comparison to You seem like not a big deal. I want to shine out for You, I want to know You, serve You, love You more. I want You to be my home.
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