weakness

I have been wallowing in my weakness. I have been discouraged. I have been hating my flesh, yet swimming in it.

I was listening to a Sara Groves song this morning while out on my run. She was singing about us being the moon while Jesus is the sun. We can only reflect His light - we can not make our own - we are only a cold dark stone without Him.

The Lord asked me to stop running and look at the sun as it was rising over the trees and admit that again. Own my weakness before Him, believe again that I can do nothing apart from Him.  Realize again that my flesh can do nothing to please Him. And realize again that it really doesn't do anything for me either.

Every now and again I throw away all the promises of God and decide to take a vacation from Him. I give him half-assed effort - if any. I run to all my idols and try them out again - just to make sure they are still there - just to see if they might work. They never do - and they always disappoint and depress me. Food will never fill me up. I will never wake up from the TV to find my sin is magically gone while I ignored it.  And my anger never pushes people into the places I want them.

I so want God to work the way I want Him to. Because I am tired. I am tired of fighting. My sin feels so big and overwhelming and God doesn't bring instant relief. He doesn't just wipe it away - I have to fight through it.

This morning He said that owning my weakness is a good starting point - that is when the cross can do its work in me. That is when His light can shine.