invisible

It was by faith that Moses, when he grew up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter. Hebrews 11:24

Many years later, when Moses had grown up, he went out to visit his own people, the Hebrews, and he saw how hard they were forced to work. Exodus 2:11

He chose to share the oppression of God's people instead of enjoying the fleeting pleasures of sin. He thought it was better to suffer for the sake of Christ than to own the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking ahead to his great reward. Hebrews 11:25-26

During his visit, he saw an Egyptian beating one of his fellow Hebrews. After looking in all directions to make sure no one was watching, Moses killed the Egyptian and hid the body in the sand. The next day, Moses went out to visit his people again, he saw two Hebrew men fighting. "Why are you beating up your friend?" Moses said to the one who had started the fight. The men replied, "Who appointed you prince and judge over us? Are you going to kill me as you killed the Egyptian yesterday?" Exodus 2:11-14

It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt, not fearing the king's anger. He kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible.
Hebrews 11:24-27

Then Moses was afraid, thinking, "Everyone knows what I did." And sure enough Pharaoh heard what had happened, and he tried to kill Moses. But Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in the land of Midian. Exodus 2:14-15


I started reading this section of Hebrews 11 - the faith chapter and I really loved this section about Moses. How he wanted to be identified with His people, pass up on the good life, leave the fleeting life of sin behind. I especially loved the last verse - 27 - 'he kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible.'
Then I remembered the story of Moses killing the Egyptian and fleeing and wondered... perhaps God sees things so very differently than we do - so much more differently...How might He describe me in all my fumbling to find Him? He the loving, doting Father, sees me as He sees Jesus - the beloved Son in whom He is well pleased. Jesus actually earned that right - I am adopted into it by blood, either way...He loves me with more love than I can imagine. How do I keep my eyes on that Invisible One - even when nothing around fits or makes sense...perhaps I don't need to worry so much - perhaps the leading will just come.

Keep my heart turned toward You, Jesus. Keep my eyes fixed on You - the Invisible One - whose hand is behind everything that is seen.

reward

What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave His approval to people in days of old because of their faith...It is by faith that Enoch was taken up to heaven without dying - " suddenly he disappeared because god took him." But before he was taken up, he was approved as pleasing to God. So you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that there is a God and that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him.  

Heb 11: 1-2, 5-6

The Lord brought this to my mind the other day...especially the last verse - that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him. I felt encouraged to keep moving toward Him. I realized in all my wallowing that I had lost sight of His character, that I was too focused on what I wanted again. I am back to praying for more faith, praying that in the future it will be so strong and steadfast that I do not waver. Even if life is hard, or my sin is overwhelming - that I will be able to turn myself back to the truth and believe.

Ahh - flesh is so annoying, frustrating, so infuriating! How I long for the day when heaven will be my home!

wallowing

I have been wallowing. One time a very wise women told me that when you wallow in your own shit - than that is all you have to give to others - shit. I have been handing out quite a bit of shit recently. I don't want to anymore. I am done wallowing.

I came to the cross covered in my own shit, dirty, gross and hideous. And You brought me into the light and clothed me in white, washed me in blood, and cleansed me from the inside out. How grateful I am Lord! You love and love, and love - help me to walk in Your love and light.

questions

What does it mean to walk with You? In Genesis, it says Enoch walked with God. And that He was so special that You took him. Moses got to meet with You - it says face to face, and He glowed with Your glory. The prophet Jeremiah felt Your presence so strongly that He says it felt like a fire in His bones - burning until He spoke Your word.

Did Brother Lawrence, and Frank Laubach, have a special gift that most people do not receive? Is it even possible to walk with You like they did? Or was it a special grace for a special time? What am I doing - is this even something I can pursue? Or is it all just a gift? Did You place this desire in me so that I would draw near?

God - I have no clue what to do next or where we are going or what to think?

weakness

I have been wallowing in my weakness. I have been discouraged. I have been hating my flesh, yet swimming in it.

I was listening to a Sara Groves song this morning while out on my run. She was singing about us being the moon while Jesus is the sun. We can only reflect His light - we can not make our own - we are only a cold dark stone without Him.

The Lord asked me to stop running and look at the sun as it was rising over the trees and admit that again. Own my weakness before Him, believe again that I can do nothing apart from Him.  Realize again that my flesh can do nothing to please Him. And realize again that it really doesn't do anything for me either.

Every now and again I throw away all the promises of God and decide to take a vacation from Him. I give him half-assed effort - if any. I run to all my idols and try them out again - just to make sure they are still there - just to see if they might work. They never do - and they always disappoint and depress me. Food will never fill me up. I will never wake up from the TV to find my sin is magically gone while I ignored it.  And my anger never pushes people into the places I want them.

I so want God to work the way I want Him to. Because I am tired. I am tired of fighting. My sin feels so big and overwhelming and God doesn't bring instant relief. He doesn't just wipe it away - I have to fight through it.

This morning He said that owning my weakness is a good starting point - that is when the cross can do its work in me. That is when His light can shine.

simple

I started reading a book on my vacation - it's called 'A Praying Life' by Paul Miller. It is a great book because it is so simple yet so full of truth. One of the things I really like is getting to see how Paul uses prayer in his life constantly. He is practicing God's presence - and it is so beautifully simple. He doesn't seem to over think things like I tend to do - though maybe he hasn't let us in on that part of himself - I don't know for sure. But what we do get to see is a man leading his family and walking through his life by small continual acts of prayer. He seems to bring even the minutia of life into God's presence, things I wouldn't want to bother God with - he prays about. And crazy, I know, it doesn't seem to bother God one bit.

In his book he talks a lot about seeing ourselves as dependent children - letting all our weaknesses drive us to Jesus, and laying aside cynicism so that we can see the wonder of God all around us.

Already God is using these new thoughts to free me up in prayer. Last night our power was out, and since I sleep with a fan for white noise...sleep was a bit elusive. So I was up late reading and then as I was falling asleep, I began to pray for all the things I really wanted. The things we feel like we shouldn't pray, and the things I feel like I am supposed to fix on my own, the things that hurt to admit I want help with. Oh - how freeing it was! And I felt so close to the Lord! I can't wait to write them all down and see what God will do with it all - see how He weaves His answers together - see how He changes me and the things and people around me - all because I asked - and because He wants to give me good things!

Crazy simple I know...man we know how to screw things up that are really meant to be that simple.

Matthew 7:7-11
Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks. You parents - if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

vacation

I just got back from vacation. I think I took it a bit too seriously. I think I took a vacation from all things that matter. I hardly spent any time with Jesus. There was not enough quiet on my vacation it was too full of doing, moving, shopping, talking, tv watching, and everything you can imagine. There is nothing wrong with any of that, but I wish I had taken more time for quiet, more time to focus myself on the Lord - so that when I was doing all of the things listed above I brought Him with me - instead of leaving Him in the dust trail behind me.