retreat

I was just away on our women's retreat. I had to speak in front of 40 women. Honestly, I was panic stricken beforehand. Me and public speaking are not a good match. I usually get so nervous that I can't remember what I want to say - even if I have the whole thing written out. And if I share my heart at all - I blubber and cry - so that all I say is filled with so much emotion and tears that I am unintelligible.


But the Lord directed me to do it anyway. And when the decision was made a couple of months ago - it didn't seem like a bad idea - but as the date came closer - my panic grew. Finally, I asked some really good friends to pray specifically for me. Here is my email to them...



Hey ladies

i am emailing because I am doing my writing for the retreat. I have to speak 2 times once on Friday morning and the on saturday morning too. As the retreat is getting closer I am getting more and more steeped in fear and panic. Me and public speaking - no matter how little this may be - 15 max for each... - is like death to me.  I have awakened in the night already in sheer panic a couple of times and all i want to do is avoid writing and just run away from the whole thing screaming. I know i tend to exaggerate - I really am not doing that here - at all. 

i need your prayers desperately. I read recently in a Piper book that He used to be deathly afraid to speak in public too - vomiting etc. He prayed and asked God to give him a marked measure of success to know that He should continue doing it. I don't feel called to keep speaking per se - but I would really love for people to hear my heart without me being a blubbering, crying idiot in front of 43 women.  Oh how that would be amazing. i want to submit to Him, and I have felt called to speak the things that he has in me to say, but oh my....this is way harder than i imagined.

please pray earnestly with me. love you both!

God you really showed up, thank you so much. You filled me with the words before I got there and then you spoke them through me while I was there. You gave me passion, and of course some tears, but thank you so much for keeping the blubbering at bay! Even though I was still filled  with fear, each time I prayed for peace and calm you provided. It did feel like dying a death moving toward my fear, but coming out on the other end of it all, it felt like gain! You have blessed me and I am grateful, I praise you, Father!