rebuke

This morning the Lord rebuked me. It was good - it was needed - it was evidence of His love.

I have been so focused - once again - on me and what I want. My thoughts are so self-centered. I want God to give me a taste of Him - to fill me up - to come and rest His presence on me. But for what? Yes, I would love to feel His presence and the purest joy I have ever known again - and forever. But if that is not where He is leading - why would I want to go there? I need to learn to be satisfied with where, and what He has for me right now. Knowing that He is enough, that He will fill me with the things I need.

A new friend was sharing with me this weekend about a phrase her friend had shared with her - spiritual masturbation. As soon as she said it - I knew it was meant for me. It is a harsh and unfriendly term - and some may really hate it - but to me it is so accurate. That is how I have been behaving - trying to get God to give me the pleasure of His presence as if a certain set of actions or thoughts - or time spent - could get me there. God is not here to bring me just joy. And if I am an heir with Jesus as it says in Romans 8:17 - an heir to the glory of God, then I must also be willing to share in His sufferings - whatever they may be. Whether a prayer burden, or a struggle, or a willingness to believe in Him regardless of what is in my path.

I now realize as I was reading all the contemplatives last summer - that this is what they were talking about. They kept admonishing readers to be focused on Jesus - on the Lord and not on the feelings He sometimes brings. I didn't quite understand what they had meant until this morning. I had thought that all that I felt was God manifesting Himself to me - and indeed it was - but it is not the only way He shows Himself to us. And I can not seek that feeling only - I have to seek Him only - and be satisfied with what He provides in this moment - whether glory or suffering, or something in between. I suppose He has been teaching me this since last fall but now I am finally getting it.

So He asked me to worship Him this morning. So I used my ipod during my prayer time - it's filled with worship music - and tried to turn all of my thoughts toward Him. It really is wonderful to turn all to Him and away from myself and struggles. It wasn't until then that He granted me a taste of His presence again. And I knew He was there and I was right where I was meant to be. It was then that all the things I was meant to be praying for, came flooding into my mind, and my thoughts were finally clear. I am designed to worship - and when I am doing that - and I have my mind focused on Him - He is near and I can breathe again. Now I need to learn how to see Him, worship Him, when life is not so easy. And let Him teach me how to delight in Him when enemies are all around and life is a constant battle.(Psalm 27)