romans 1

Romans 1:21-25
Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles.

So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies. They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen. 
                                                                    

God has brought these verses to mind again today. A few years ago He had shown me how I was just like the people described in this passage - and it seems I have forgotten - am no less unlike them now...

When I forget to worship and be thankful - I become dark and confused, and I start listening to the lies of Satan and begin creating my own ideas of who God is and what He wants for me. It's a simple correlation. I used to get so depressed when I saw my sinfulness, now even though depression has not been my 'go to' - I still get so self-focused. My internal thoughts, my ideas, my wants, become my driving force - instead of turning to the Lord - seeking His love and forgiveness. Jesus has already taken care of all of my needs on the cross - I just need to walk in that freedom. I need to turn my face to Him and sing out my joy in knowing Him, showing Him how grateful I am by acting in belief.

rebuke

This morning the Lord rebuked me. It was good - it was needed - it was evidence of His love.

I have been so focused - once again - on me and what I want. My thoughts are so self-centered. I want God to give me a taste of Him - to fill me up - to come and rest His presence on me. But for what? Yes, I would love to feel His presence and the purest joy I have ever known again - and forever. But if that is not where He is leading - why would I want to go there? I need to learn to be satisfied with where, and what He has for me right now. Knowing that He is enough, that He will fill me with the things I need.

A new friend was sharing with me this weekend about a phrase her friend had shared with her - spiritual masturbation. As soon as she said it - I knew it was meant for me. It is a harsh and unfriendly term - and some may really hate it - but to me it is so accurate. That is how I have been behaving - trying to get God to give me the pleasure of His presence as if a certain set of actions or thoughts - or time spent - could get me there. God is not here to bring me just joy. And if I am an heir with Jesus as it says in Romans 8:17 - an heir to the glory of God, then I must also be willing to share in His sufferings - whatever they may be. Whether a prayer burden, or a struggle, or a willingness to believe in Him regardless of what is in my path.

I now realize as I was reading all the contemplatives last summer - that this is what they were talking about. They kept admonishing readers to be focused on Jesus - on the Lord and not on the feelings He sometimes brings. I didn't quite understand what they had meant until this morning. I had thought that all that I felt was God manifesting Himself to me - and indeed it was - but it is not the only way He shows Himself to us. And I can not seek that feeling only - I have to seek Him only - and be satisfied with what He provides in this moment - whether glory or suffering, or something in between. I suppose He has been teaching me this since last fall but now I am finally getting it.

So He asked me to worship Him this morning. So I used my ipod during my prayer time - it's filled with worship music - and tried to turn all of my thoughts toward Him. It really is wonderful to turn all to Him and away from myself and struggles. It wasn't until then that He granted me a taste of His presence again. And I knew He was there and I was right where I was meant to be. It was then that all the things I was meant to be praying for, came flooding into my mind, and my thoughts were finally clear. I am designed to worship - and when I am doing that - and I have my mind focused on Him - He is near and I can breathe again. Now I need to learn how to see Him, worship Him, when life is not so easy. And let Him teach me how to delight in Him when enemies are all around and life is a constant battle.(Psalm 27)

joy

I was thinking aloud with a friend today about what it means to have a lasting joy that resides in you - goes with - is a part of you. I have also been thinking about what that means recently on my own, they are just beginning thoughts...

I am thinking about that passage in Peter about women having a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious to the Lord. And how that relates to Psalm 23 and resting in the Lord - resting in the green pasture and by peaceful streams - leaning and resting on the Lord. The picture of delighting in Psalm 27 - where enemies surround but you are so focused on delighting - so focused on resting in and worshipping the Lord that what is happening in the world around you doesn't compare. A joy that bubbles up in you and makes you smile even at the oddest times because you know deep within you that He has it, and it's silly to worry.

I'll will keep thinking about it...

back

How do I get back to you, God? My life has been too loud lately. Not enough quiet, not enough calm on the inside. I have been feeling so charged up, almost wired and nervous for seemingly no reason. Ok - so the retreat was a good reason, but long before that, and now that it is done - I am still unsettled. What do I need to do - to hear from You again - how do I get my heart to quiet down? I am longing to be with You again. Longing to be close, longing to have my face turned to You and have my mind focused on Your glory and worship. I am tired of chaotic thoughts and jumbled emotions.
Father, I pray for direction and clarity, help me know what the next step is.

retreat

I was just away on our women's retreat. I had to speak in front of 40 women. Honestly, I was panic stricken beforehand. Me and public speaking are not a good match. I usually get so nervous that I can't remember what I want to say - even if I have the whole thing written out. And if I share my heart at all - I blubber and cry - so that all I say is filled with so much emotion and tears that I am unintelligible.


But the Lord directed me to do it anyway. And when the decision was made a couple of months ago - it didn't seem like a bad idea - but as the date came closer - my panic grew. Finally, I asked some really good friends to pray specifically for me. Here is my email to them...



Hey ladies

i am emailing because I am doing my writing for the retreat. I have to speak 2 times once on Friday morning and the on saturday morning too. As the retreat is getting closer I am getting more and more steeped in fear and panic. Me and public speaking - no matter how little this may be - 15 max for each... - is like death to me.  I have awakened in the night already in sheer panic a couple of times and all i want to do is avoid writing and just run away from the whole thing screaming. I know i tend to exaggerate - I really am not doing that here - at all. 

i need your prayers desperately. I read recently in a Piper book that He used to be deathly afraid to speak in public too - vomiting etc. He prayed and asked God to give him a marked measure of success to know that He should continue doing it. I don't feel called to keep speaking per se - but I would really love for people to hear my heart without me being a blubbering, crying idiot in front of 43 women.  Oh how that would be amazing. i want to submit to Him, and I have felt called to speak the things that he has in me to say, but oh my....this is way harder than i imagined.

please pray earnestly with me. love you both!

God you really showed up, thank you so much. You filled me with the words before I got there and then you spoke them through me while I was there. You gave me passion, and of course some tears, but thank you so much for keeping the blubbering at bay! Even though I was still filled  with fear, each time I prayed for peace and calm you provided. It did feel like dying a death moving toward my fear, but coming out on the other end of it all, it felt like gain! You have blessed me and I am grateful, I praise you, Father!

busy

Life has been too busy. I am missing the quiet. I am missing You, Jesus.

nothing compares

So we have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's spirit when He adopted you as His own children. Now we call Him, 'Abba, Father'. For His spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children. And since we are His children we are His heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His sufferings....yet what we suffer now is nothing to the glory He will reveal to us later.                                    

                                                                   Romans 8:15-18

I have not received a spirit of fear and slavery - no I have God's spirit and I am His child. He has adopted me - He has plucked me out of darkness and placed me in the light and into His family. I can call on Him as my own father, not like my earthly father, but recognizing Him as He is - and seeing His true character. His spirit joins in with mine and reminds me continually of who I am and who He is - I just need to listen. And since I am a child - I am an heir - heir to all His glory - I get to share His glory with Him! But...to share in His glory - I also have to be willing to share His suffering. I have to be willing to walk on whatever path He puts in front of me. He will choose all the right ones, for the right reasons - I just need to be obedient and do it, and trust His father's heart toward me. So that I will know that what we suffer here and now on earth is nothing, nothing, nothing!...compared to the glory we will have with Him in eternity.


Father, I am amazed at the way you have worked in me, changed me, and made me see so much more clearly. You have shown me who You really are. And I know that this is only the beginning of seeing you as You are, instead of what I would like you to be. I am so excited to see what is next, I am excited to be amazed by You. You have chosen me, and some day You will show me all of Your glory! Help me to be worthy of it by suffering well here and now. Show me how to have more faith, to continually to trust Your heart, and believe Your Word. I want to question without doubt, and believe...I want my hope to be in You only.

negative space

I haven't prayed much in the last couple of days. We have had family staying in our home for the weekend and finding the time, and negative space on the inside has been hard. I have come to realize how much time it takes to have the kind of relationship with Jesus I want. When I don't get the time and quiet that I need, my relationship with the Lord suffers, and I feel lost and lonely.

It's like that when I paint as well, when there is no negative space and everything is too full of color or objects our eyes have no place to rest. When life is too full and busy - whether with good things or annoying problems - our heart has trouble finding a place to rest - there is no negative space. I can see why it would be easier to live off in a cloister somewhere, all time is generously allotted for work and prayer and rest. My life is not like that at all, though I do my best at trying to keep life quiet, there are things, and people, and times, that just can't be put off.

I know God knows all of these things and is not staring down at me with a frowny face wondering why I didn't manage to squeeze Him in. But I also know that if I do not make the time and space - it will get eaten up with so much that does not really matter. Worship matters, time with Him matters, hearing Him matters, His Word matters. These are the things that will shape me into the living sacrifice I desire to be, that He calls me to be, so that I can pour myself out when He calls.

attack

Fear seems to be a theme in my life right now. The kind that grips your heart and seizes your stomach, and keeps you awake at night and keeps you consumed during the day. It seems to come and go at odd times, though I try not to entertain those thoughts, I confess that sometimes I do. I do not like being afraid, everything about it feels wrong and out of place, yet it still comes. It comes at me in little lies that life can fall apart at any minute, my husband could get hit by a car, or I could die unexpectedly, or a disease could hit. These lies also come with a lie that God is too small to deal with any of those things or that He doesn't care enough to keep them away. I keep reminding myself that 'perfect love casts out all fear' - again and again I say it to myself.

At first I was trying to figure out if it was a warning from the Lord, but now I am convinced it is a spiritual attack. Because not only am I struggling against fear but confusion. When I try to pray it is almost like I can not put two coherent thoughts together. I usually just end up praying for clarity and to rest in the truth, and end my prayer time early. Another unpleasant side effect is that I am grouchy. Everyone feels like they are hovering, irritating, and fussy. I know it can't be all their fault.

So how do I find my rest in You in all of this Lord? How do I rest in the truth - that your perfect love really does cast out all fear? Jesus - rescue me from my lack of faith.

Psalm 27:3-6
Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. The one thing I ask of the Lord, The thing I seek the most - is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in His Temple. For He will conceal me there when troubles come; He will hide me in His sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. At His sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing and praising the Lord with music.

Today I will sing Your praise - loudly!