unsettled

The last few days have been difficult. I am unsettled. Trying to be satisfied with what God is giving and/or is not giving is not fun. I keep trying to present myself to the Lord, but my distracted thoughts keep getting in the way. I am aching for more, but getting nothing. I definitely still have not mastered waiting in hope.


I was talking with a friend today wondering if a holy discontent is okay. Or should I just continually be glad to accept whatever situation I find myself in - believing God has me here for a reason... The same questions come up when I am unsettled - Have I done something?, Have I sinned?, Do I just need to keep waiting, But why do my prayers feel flat?, Why does it feel like I am trapped, and my prayers are crashing into the ceiling? It seems good and pointless to keep asking these same questions. Good because I am examining myself, but bad because I feel like I am too focused on myself. 


He is not giving any answers - though not entirely true...I did get confirmation on someone who might be able to answer some of my questions. I don't know if it will turn into a mentoring relationship but who knows...it may. I just know things feel confused and jumbled as I try to put myself before Him and i don't know what to do next, or even what to think next. 


Part of my unsettling this week has been dealing with a couple of people who are in sin - and having to confront them. It was via email but still awful. Why do people want to leave Jesus behind - He is the only one who can answer all of our sin, and mess, and confusion - that much I do know. 


Here is a portion of the letter I wrote to my friend - as much as everything else seems so unclear - while I was writing this - God was very clear to me - His words ringing in my ears.... 


I know for me when I have to stand before the Lord at the end of my days - I want to know I have done everything in my struggle against sin. I have fervently prayed, struggled, and wept over it, been humbled, mourned - but it is worth it - to be able to stand in the light of His love. Because I know that Jesus has done the work for me. He has bought me at a price - and He is my master. And when He is directing my life and I am obedient, I will get to do amazing things that will last for all eternity. All because He is covering me with His blood and I am walking in His light. The beauty of having that kind of love in my life is priceless to me...I am praying that it is for you as well.