treading water

I am still waiting. But the last few days I have not been waiting expectantly. I have not been open.

To be truthful - I am tired. Everything about life right now feels slow and exhausting and I am having a hard time seeing the Lord in it. I want to trust His character and I am trying not to try, while I still try to do something to draw near.

I struggle with striving. Trying to get God to do what I want Him to do - or at least trying to do all that I can to make the way open for Him. But I can't seem to let go and rest in Him when He doesn't feel near. I am not sure how to let go. I don't feel led, I don't feel like I am moving forward - I feel l like I am treading water - just barely staying above the water.

Last summer it didn't feel like 'trying' to be with Him - it just was. Since that is my only point of comparison I am feeling lost. I am trying not to despair. But again I am still trying.

Perhaps I need to let myself drown? - I don't know.