I have been feeling lately as I pray that I am stuck. It is such a struggle to escape my own mind and flesh. I feel like as I pray I continually need to be pushing aside all my own sin and continually confess, sweeping it away with my hand. the next layer is all my distracted thoughts - all the random bits of life that invade when we are quiet, and I try and sweep that away with my other hand. Yet I still feel buried under sin and distractions and I never really get free of it - they just keep piling back over me again and again. And I feel buried. I never feel like I meet with God and then I give up and just pray for all of my requests amongst all the crap swirling around in my mind. It feels like a big mess.
I keep wondering if this sweeping away is my work to do - or the Lord's? Will He take care of this or am I supposed to keep trying? Even the word 'trying' sounds wrong. How am I to be still and wait - when my mind will not settle?
lately, i have been thinking a lot about your last paragraph... the trying and the striving. God has been overwhelming me lately with his grace... i am seeing things he has granted me that i never asked for, i never tried for. i have also "tried" lots of things... tried to be a good mother, tried to be like all the good christian wives out there, tried to just be okay. all that striving me has been empty, worthless, anxious and impure. i am getting a taste of the glorious sanctification that God brings now that i am learning how to release... stop trying, stop fiddling, stop trying to meet some standard. it feels so great and i never want to it to end.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing this journey here.