staying open

How do I stay open? Standing on the edge - its hard - its hard to stay open. God is scary. He is not safe, we can not control Him no matter how much we would like to.

I think I have been trying to claw my way to Him. With my every thought and action I am wondering "will this make Him want to be near? or Am I doing something to make Him want to stay away?" I want so badly to hold onto any scrap of what I had with Him last summer. I feel desperate and crazy to know him like that again - like it may never happen, and that perhaps he may never bless me like that again. In fact someone just said to me " You must have known it couldn't last forever...?" I may have known that but I certainly did not wish for it to be over.

But last summer was like taking my first real breath, truly becoming alive for the first time. It was being surrounded by love and purpose all day and all night.

I think to myself, "God should want that for me, right? So why does He not show His presence like that again? I am trying to put myself before Him all the time - I am drawing near - why isn't He?" I know these are wrong thoughts but nonetheless I have been thinking them. So then I come back to me, I am the problem - because in the end it's always our problem. We are the sinners and He is the perfect One. 

So how do we trust someone who by our definition is not safe? How do we stay open? How do we stay open to Him when He is not safe and at times seems like He isn't even listening? Trust and faith...

Trust and faith are the 2 things I am really beginning to learn that I am terrible at. I am praying for God to grow them in me. That I may believe in His goodness even when I do not understand what He is doing. That I would trust His character even when I do not have a clue where this is going. And I don't really know where this is going - except for a few vague leading thoughts at the beginning, that by the way I constantly question - I do not know where this is all heading. But I want to love God more than anything else, and I have had this amazingly grand taste of Him - so I will keep pressing ahead even when I screw it up. I am praying to stand on the edge, praying for God to keep the doors of my heart thrust open to Him, praying that I can keep standing, living in the fear and wait on Him. Wait for Him to show up. Just because He says He will.