holding back

Today in church we sang a song. Lead Me to the Cross. The chorus goes like this:

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh lead me, lead me to the cross

As I was singing I felt an overwhelming sense that the Lord wanted me on my knees. In fact, I could feel his hand strong on me, and my voice stopped singing, I could sense His desire for me to worship Him all the way.

But I didn't. I sat back down in my chair and cried. Why couldn't I get on my knees?

I rationalized in my head that there wasn't room enough between the rows of chairs to fit me, I questioned - wondering if that was what God really wanted. But the real problem was me thinking about what the people around me would think. What would they think? I don't know - I shouldn't care - but for some reason - I did and I do.

What could God have done in me if I was obedient?

This has been a pattern in me. I hold things in reserve. I think God will be OK with my half obedience. I sat down today and cried but I didn't get on my knees. I eat healthy but I haven't given up all that God wants me to. I do just enough to appear vulnerable but I won't appear weak.

What will I do with this so-called reserve? What am I reserving? Certainly not anything worth saving - its just fear, and half-assed crap from my flesh - its not from God.

God - how do I learn to boast in my weakness?  How do I let You take care of everything? How can I learn to obey in even the little things? How do I let go of what everyone else might think? I don't want to have my own reserve - I want only to have what You want to give.